How do you know what you are feeling?

[RachelDee]

Can the feelings and anxiety/distress from gender idenity disorders surface and then sort of subside for a period of time, and then come back? :idontknow:

Finding it quite difficult to know what it is exactly that im feeling, and from what i read online, people with Gender Identity Disorders have an idea of their state in early childhood. Then they feel it more so as they get older, and either embrace it or put themselves into situations or such that fit their birth role, in order to try and squash those feelings (like joining the army or something else thats like a demonstration of male-ness). I'm not sure how it works for FtM as most of the things i read were MtF (for obvious reasons heh). It's always with them though...

Whenever i try to work out what im feeling it makes me all the more confused when i try to find answers online. As an example -I don't really ever recall thinking "I should be a girl" when i was young. Even if i admit that i often looked at girls in secondary school (well not looked at them in *that* way -but their roles) and thought that it would be so much easier for me to fit in if the male situation was like that. I always felt out of place in that respect, i was far more gentle and emotional. Shy, and not at all confrontational. The total opposite of every other 'guy' that was around me (I am still like that today).

Anyway so im pretty sure that in childhood i was happy being a boy. Playing with boyish toys? Though there is one thing with that.... in childhood i can honestly say that i was pretty much totally ignorant of gender. I didn't have childhood girlfriends, infact the idea kinda made me feel awkward and creeped out :S didnt want a boyfriend either though mind you! lol... i just didnt understand the concept. I knew that girls and boys were 'different' but i didnt really pay much attention to it.

So i suppose that counts me out of GID? Probably would from a therapy POV anyway, they sound very strict on this sort of thing to avoid 'mistakes' i guess.

My question about gender issues going away and resurfacing is due to the fact that its been 5 years, and i thought that these issues were resolved. Now they have come back again and feel quite strong and hard to deal with.

I dont really understand why i feel certain stuff :/ why i look at girls and feel envy. I find them attractive of course (one thing i am certain of, im totally 110% attracted to girls not men) but as much as i find them attractive there is also the envy side of it. I want to be like them, and look like them -and i know i cant. Which makes me feel both depressed and confused. I look in the mirror and dont like that its a 'man' looking back at me :/ which is the same feeling bodywise.

I feel better when im changing myself *but* that has a pretty detrimental effect on the feeling of my current self. The more i do to express the feelings, the less i feel like the male me. Hmm..... difficult to put into words really. But the more that i express the feelings and emotions i have, the more it feels like the other (male) side of me is dying :/ is that odd?

It scares me. I remember how horrible it was 5 years ago when things came out to closer family. I don't want to upset people again, and make myself feel so exposed and even more shameful.

[Danni Bear]

Rachel,

Many if not most TG/TS know that their gender is wrong from an early age. That is not to say all of us know early some discover at later ages. Another thing to keep in perspective is sexual attraction and gender identity are two seperate things.

GID is a large umbrella that encompasses a wide range of issues.These can range from a person fully transitioning to someone who only dresses on occasion. Therapists do make it hard to get a diagonis of gid for many reasons,the risk to the individual is enormous if a mistake is made.

The ebb and flow of gender identity is common among all who either crossdress or who are tg/ts be they m2f or f2m. This can also happen to those that have no desire to do any more than just dream about it.

A gender therapist or psyhoglist to talk to is something you should consider. It can help you come to terms with the feelings that you speak of. No one can determine what or who you are but you.

Good luck in pursuing the path to your happiness.

Danni

[RachelDee]

Thankyou danni.

Yes id imagine it would be quite disastrous if someone transitioned and then later realised that it was not the right choice. I'm just wondering if by the fact that ive not been struggling with this from childhood, would mean that (a) Its going to be harder to express how strong the feelings are because that desire didnt seem to exist at young age (b) If GID could ever be a diagnosis for this reason.

It's good to know that the ebb and flow as you put it is not uncommon though. It had me confused the most, kept thinking if this issue was 'real' then it would be with me all the time surley. I suppose there are circumstances about 5 years ago that might have helped keep it at bay, not least the whole embarassment/awkward feelings/confusion and knowing that people were feeling quite distressed about it. I did go along with it though dispite all that and got as far as seeing the GP about it..... but it never went past that point.

[Karen564]

A gender therapist or psychologist to talk to is something you should consider. It can help you come to terms with the feelings that you speak of. No one can determine what or who you are but you.



I would suggest the same as Danni, you should look into seeing a professional to help you sort all this out with you....Only you really know who & what you are inside..


For myself, I knew before I hit age 5 that something was very wrong & didn't feel right having a boys body..& that feeling never went away, it just got stronger as time went on.

[Danni Bear]

Karen,

How very well I know that feeling of wrongness at an early age. I was lucky in that I had a Grandmother that saw what was happening and took steps to help me. I was 24/7 as female by age 14, that was in 1962 when being tg/ts was almost an unheard of occurance. I finally transitioned along with my husband begining in 1998. It was the one decision that saved my life.

Danni

[Melody Moore]

Hi RachelDee

For me the question for all my life has always been 'Am I a boy or am I a girl?' rather than 'I should be a girl' & I'm sure that most of us go through this until we finally understand who we really are. Like you I always felt like 'a bit of square peg trying to fit into a round hole' when trying to fit in with male peers. Like you also said the more you expressed your femininity, the more you disliked your male self. It got to a point with me that I couldn't stand seeing my former male self in the mirror - when I dressed as female & looked at myself, I knew without any doubt that this was who I was suppose to be. I felt comfortable with myself and for a long time that also really scared me - But I have to also be honest & say that it was more of a case about what other people who knew me would think.

Finally I reached a stage where I realised that what other people really thought was irrelevant - I had to
live my life for myself and not for anyone else, or based around what other people thought of me. If they
couldn't accept me for who I truly am, then to hell with them, I don't need them and their issues in my life.

If you want to get a bit of an idea of how much I struggled with my Gender issues, then please read this post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?142816-Relapse&p=2312754&viewfull=1#post2312754) & hopefully you will see how
my Gender Dysphoria nearly destroyed me a number of times & give you a better idea of how GID can relapse and how it can affect you.

I really hope this helps you to understand your own feelings a little better.

[Aprilrain]

From my experience Yes these feelings can come and go to some extent. for me each time they come back they are stronger than the last.

[Inna]

Dear Rachel, your description of recurrence, self doubt, confusion and everything about your mental state spells text book TG. Only a handful of Transsexuals are born with definite knowledge of being entirely female or male opposing their biological body assignment. The rest of us are confused, and bounce between feelings of femininity and masculinity (M2F) and masculinity versus femininity (F2M). For most recognition of who they truly are comes later in life when peer pressure lessens and internal pressure builds and the lie of a facade we carry on daily crumbles before us to expose raw spirit.
Get to the therapy, it isn't a test. Nor is it designed to label nor move but nearly to uncover the truth otherwise clouded by confusion. How can we love if we don't know what love is and how can we fell joy when all we have is pain. Love you with hope for beauty in your day babe!

P.S. Nice legs!!!!!

[RachelDee]

It does look like i need to see a GP or something about this Karen564. I think the waiting list would be a long one though and i feel quite like i need to so something or my head will explode (then again how many people with gender issues can there be around here? hmm...).


Thats a very troubling story MelodyN :( i feel so bad for you. I cannot imagine anyone coming through all that! but it seems like you have. You are a much stronger person than i. Thankyou for sharing it though and adding your support.

I feel quite volitile with my moods at the moment. I can get quite low/depressed quite rapidly, and that sort of feeling of hopelessness. I have also noticed that ive had panic/anxiety like episodes, which ive rode out silently but its like heart beating quickly, tighter chest, feeling sick and hot etc. It just makes the thoughts even more powerful.

Thanks Alexia Elliot. The feeling that the male part of me is dieng the more i do this is quite a scary one (i have friendships that i care about, and i thought id just started to build a little confidence about myself). I do worry that im going to get therapy, have all this out in the open with family again, and that the therapy isnt going to lead me anywhere. They might just say 'You are a crossdresser. You need to accept yourself.' - Like if they dont take me seriously because i dont fall into the GID criteria thats set by the NHS or such. Jumping the gun there i guess but my thoughts are everywhere right now :o

I have been trying to think to myself logically, what it is that i want. Or at least what i think i want right now.

The only answer that i can get is that i want to look in the mirror and not feel how i do now. I want to look at my body, and not feel how i do now. I dont think its about clothes or makeup at all, even if wearing those (not makeup, i cannot get away with that right now) help me to feel better about my body image for a short time (till the reality comes in...).

I am a shy and reserved person. I dont think id wear overly female clothes even if i was actually born a girl, i prefer to go un-noticed and typical girly clothing is to make u get looked at.

Well lots of stuff to think about, and hopefully i can get to my GP soon and without raising too many questions with family and get some sort of help. I just hope im able to explain this properly so i get referred to the right place/person, its such a personal issue and discussing it face to face with someone and explaining it properly is going to be tough (especially when you are trying to make sense of it yourself).

Will update with anything new that occurs :)

Oh and thankyou again Alexia Elliot lol. Its nice that people have commented on it, i was not really sure about taking pictures at all (and to be honest it made me feel kinda weird... i didnt really know why i was doing it). But i think i wanted some sort of validation of the 'self image' im trying to express. :straightface:

[Melody Moore]

Thats a very troubling story MelodyN :( i feel so bad for you. I cannot imagine anyone coming through all that! but it seems like you have. You are a much stronger person than i. Thankyou for sharing it though and adding your support.
Hi Rachel... you are most welcome.

Please don't ever feel bad for me, because if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as strong
& as affirmed in my decision as I am now. "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you grow stronger".

I know there are also many others out there in society that are worse of than I am, others
who lost their battles and are no longer with us. I'm just really grateful that I am still here.

When I was going through my worst times it was because I had no information & support available to
me and this is why I'm so grateful to still be around now. If it wasn't for the internet & others out there
who also shared their stories, then I don't think I would have made it to this point that I am at now.

[ReineD]

I'd like to make a suggestion, but not knowing your background or your situation it might not fit. If this is the case then please forgive me.

Why not just go with the flow?

If your SO (are you in a relationship?) is OK with you expressing yourself, then why not just go out and enjoy being a girl when the mood strikes, go back to being a guy when you've had your fill, and for now don't think so much about whether you are a boy or a girl. In other words, be OK with not knowing. Maybe you have the capacity to be both, and what's missing is the ability to believe this and to strike a balance. If you allow yourself to be the pretty girl you want to be - if you work on your wardrobe, makeup, get rid of facial hair and unwanted body hair, etc, and let your spirit shine through, then you could just go out and enjoy being who you are, without feeling so envious of others?

If you do have a SO and she's not OK with this, then perhaps you could work on getting her to learn more about trans issues. Then maybe you could be your girl self without feeling any guilt or shame (if this is the case), when the mood strikes.

I'm suggesting this because my SO identifies as dual-gender and she/he is quite happy. :) For now. :)

[Kathryn Martin]

I dont really understand why i feel certain stuff :/ why i look at girls and feel envy. I find them attractive of course (one thing i am certain of, im totally 110% attracted to girls not men) but as much as i find them attractive there is also the envy side of it. I want to be like them, and look like them -and i know i cant. Which makes me feel both depressed and confused. I look in the mirror and dont like that its a 'man' looking back at me :/ which is the same feeling bodywise.

So much of what you have said resonates with me. For many years I was often angry that I as a man was prohibited from expressing myself in the way women were able to, I felt envy. I tried crossdressing and it miserably failed because it did not yield for me the image I had of myself. Until recently my evolution and development as a woman took place inside of me, having resigned myself to never being who I was and how I felt. Being sanguine in temperament, I went with the flow of my life. But underneath the surface I became Kathryn and that development emotionally and spiritually came to fruition. I am now in transition. While, throughout my life I have what I called flirted with bridge abuttments and the like, making the decision to let Kathryn step into the light of day has brought an end to equivocation of my life. I am no longer in need of dying to be whole, I am whole.

We all are in this dilemma that we don't want to upset people. But at what cost, if you consider the potential consequences (see bridge abuttments), carrying with you thoughts of making the world a better place without you. In the end those that love us will be more upset if we're not there.

[Karen564]

It does look like i need to see a GP or something about this Karen564. I think the waiting list would be a long one though and i feel quite like i need to so something or my head will explode (then again how many people with gender issues can there be around here? hmm...).


Remember to take a deep breath & relax, your still young yet, so keep your wits about you & be careful of what your jumping into...You have plenty of time to take it one step at a time.....

Did you see the sticky thread on the opening page here ? http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?131324-Questions-amp-Issues-for-NHS-United-Kingdom-Members
That may help some or give you a place to ask others that live near you....

[Faith_G]

I can get quite low/depressed quite rapidly, and that sort of feeling of hopelessness. I have also noticed that ive had panic/anxiety like episodes, which ive rode out silently but its like heart beating quickly, tighter chest, feeling sick and hot etc. It just makes the thoughts even more powerful.


The only answer that i can get is that i want to look in the mirror and not feel how i do now. I want to look at my body, and not feel how i do now. I dont think its about clothes or makeup at all, even if wearing those (not makeup, i cannot get away with that right now) help me to feel better about my body image for a short time (till the reality comes in...).The first part, that was how I felt when I wasn't able to get "girl time" often enough back before I accepted who I am and began transitioning. I suffered like that for 10 years. The feelings did come and go. If I was able to get "girl time" often enough, things were tolerable and I didn't obsess too much. When I had limited privacy and had to be a guy for too long, things got really bad.

The second part was exactly what it came down to for me. It wasn't really about clothes, it was about my body. But the right clothes fooled my spirit into feeling like my body was right, at least for a while.

[RachelDee]

@MelodyN
Yes the internet really is a great thing in situations like these. I doubt id ever be able to find people in this area (as we are pretty out from main cities really) that i could share my feelings and thoughts with (not in any way that they would understand). It would have also been easier to believe this was "just me" and feel even more ashamed/guilty than i do. It's no wonder that people gone down self destructive routes :( without the support of others it easily become unbearable.

@ReineD
Hi, thankyou for your input. Don't worry about it not fitting :)

I'm not in a relationship no, well not exactly (not in the normal sense of the word). I have a very close female friend, but we do not live near each other. We've been good friends for almost 2 years, but her and my situations are such that its hard for us to see each other. This friendship is one that causes me a lot of distress when i think about all this stuff -- I dont know how she may react and i know that it would very likley kill any potential for more us being more than friends (we are both interested in each other but...). Yeah. Prob best not to get into this really :/

I currently live with my parents (which is not where i thought id be at my age....who can say it would be?) due to suffering with OCD for a number of years and being unable to function normally. I have been making a lot more progress in this regards over the past 2 years (and thanks to changing therapsits and doing CBT) and am finally coming out of what feels like a long battle. It's not gone, but i can function as a person again.

At this point, i would not be able to or feel comfortable dressing except in private. Which limits me, especially with any change that require time to remove/reverse (not that i think id want to wear makeup, because id still feel like a man - but in make-up, which would likley make me feel worse not better). I don't think my parents would accept this at all either, especially my father. I recall, when i was around 17, a friend bought me Lipstick and Nail Polish (In black) as a joke for my birthday (id told her that i kinda liked the goth look lol). My dad reacted quite badly to it, pretty much almost like forbidding me to ever use it..... it was quite an over reaction but he claimed he was protecting me from myself.

@Kathryn Martin

Crossdressing helps for a brief time. I can almost fool myself for an hour, that im just a normal person. Female. But its a fragile image, like just touching your own face and feeling you know, hair there :/ it makes me feel icky. Then i think of how i must actually look, and i feel worse. I don't have complete facial hair, but even shaving over and over -in the areas that i do you can see the dark spots of it. Makes me feel quite ill to look at it, and I find shaving ones face in general is the best way to feel instantly 'manly' :\

I'm not sure what is going to come of this myself, but im trying to keep some sort of perspective, and make sense of things the best i can. Which includes giving myself time to think without worrying what others think or questions they may ask (so im keeping this as private as i possibly can).

@Karen564

Hehe :) yes deep breaths but relaxing can be hard sometimes. It's so true though about being careful what you jump into, this is also why i do not want to involve people until im sure what im feeling. People closest to you do tend to have this way of noticing things though :\ even if u are trying to hide it.

About being young hmmm does not really feel that way :S even though people seem to think im 18< at times in real life lol. It does feel like im running out of time to live what should be the most active time and period. I have missed out on so much, because of the OCD, because of my shyness and awkwardness, probably even because of this 'out of place' feeling which ive always struggled to find explination to.

Thankyou for the link btw, i have not noticed that but i will go look in a moment.

@Faith_G

Thanks for sharing Faith_G. The feelings coming and going are what makes me doubt myself, but at the same time (as someone said to me yesterday) im still having the feelings even if they have gone away for a time. I still had them, and they have still come back. So there has to be a reason. Perhaps 5 years of 'avoiding' this and trying to burry it finally caught up with me, and thats why it feels like 'flood gates' again. I have also thought of the timing, and the fact that im just now coming out of what has been a very limiting and stressful time in my life. Finally able to focus on things other than anxiety and OCD.

What you said seems almost spot on for myself too though. I think i said furthur up in this post, that crossdressing offers a brief 'illusion' of how id like to see myself. But its easily broken. It's probably why 5 years ago i went with the most obviously femine clothes choices i could get. Items i still have now, but really wouldnt ever actually wear lol. I didnt do too badly i guess :) but was not the most co-ordinated hehe. I never found shopping for clothes so exciting and enjoyable as i do when im looking for female clothes. Male clothing wise its safe to say i dont really care :S i just buy what fits and looks reasonable. I have never enjoyed it. Oh well im waffling now.

As i said before, thanks for all the input by everyone It's most appreciated.

EDIT: Yesterday I decided to check YouTube, for stories and such on people transitioning. Just wanted to see some real peoples faces and lives. Lots of people on HRT and their videos over months. -I could not help but breakdown in tears watching them (felt much better after though), because of how much I felt I wanted that too, all of it -but then how much I knew it would screw my life up and turn it upside down, probably hurting ppl too. Felt conflicted, but also more certain of how i actually felt. Well at least its better than crying at some random thing on TV though I guess lol - I've had my moments XD emotional things on TV can set me off quite easily, and have to hold back! It's embarrassing lol. I cried just watching Toy Story 3 in the cinema the other month... thankgod for wearing 3D glasses lol!

Anyways, got my GP appointment so will be going to have a chat in the next dew days.

[RachelDee]

Just a quick update. I saw my GP, was really nervous. I almost broke down in tears before opening the door, was horrible. I was trembling inside and I'm afraid I got a bit choked up while I was telling her about why I was there.

She told me there is a GID clinic in Nottingham. I asked if I needed to be refered to a psychiatrist first to get the diagnosis? But she said the GID clinic would confirm that. But if I wanted to proceed I needed to know how much of a big deal it was to seek this sort of change, and I told her my family did not know yet and he said I'd need to be really ready and strong to go through this.

I told her I didn't know what other possible solution there could be. I don't think the feelings will go away, even if I manage to put them aside are they going to keep coming back every few years and make me feel like this? (will it get harder and harder to ignore them and become more frequent?). I need to talk to someone about them I can't ignore it and hope it resolves itself.

She asked if I'd felt like this before, she knows of 5 years ago and I told her I looked up GID and wanted to come back but my family was so distressed by this, and I felt so much worse/guilty/ashamed with eveyone knowing I just didn't know what to do. Plus I was barley able to function normally with the OCD, which is now much improved and maybe why things have become harder for me to ignore.

I told her while can't honestly say as a child I thought "Im a girl." I have always felt put of place and never really knew why. I have looked at girls in their roles, and even if I didn't want to play with dolls and ponies (I think lol) their social circumstances seemed to match how I felt. I know I thought how I'd fit in more if the male situation was like that - I was not aggressive, into sports etc etc. Not sure how to describe it really.

But 5 years ago when I gave into the desire to crossdress it all seemed to make sense. Unfortunatly it all came out to family by accident.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling, basically said to talk to my current OCD therapist and see if he knew of anyone I could talk with. She gave me an appointment to see her again (my GP) in two weeks to talk about how I want to proceed. As she has to apply for funding to send me to this GID clinic.

I'm a little confused here. While I like the idea of getting referred to a GID clinic asap, I'm concerned I need to see someoe else first or they won't be able to help me at all. The way she said it the clinic would confirm the GiD and then help. I thought that the psychiatrist was supposed to confirm GID?

Another thing that worries me, i don't know why but I'm worried that they will tell me its not GID. That's an odd feeling, surly I'd welcome being told I'm not suffering from such a serious condition as this. But I feel so strongly right now that the thought of being left like I am I unbearable. I also (as silly as this probably sounds) don't want to stop feeling like this. I don't want shame/guilt/fear to push me away from my feelings again. As much as I feel confused, depressed and allover the place things 'make sense' inside again and I like that feeling.

[ReineD]

@ReineD
At this point, i would not be able to or feel comfortable dressing except in private. Which limits me, especially with any change that require time to remove/reverse (not that i think id want to wear makeup, because id still feel like a man - but in make-up, which would likley make me feel worse not better). I don't think my parents would accept this at all either, especially my father.

EDIT: Yesterday I decided to check YouTube, for stories and such on people transitioning. Lots of people on HRT and their videos over months. -I could not help but breakdown in tears watching them (felt much better after though), because of how much I felt I wanted that too, all of it -but then how much I knew it would screw my life up and turn it upside down, probably hurting ppl too.



Another thing that worries me, i don't know why but I'm worried that they will tell me its not GID. I also (as silly as this probably sounds) don't want to stop feeling like this. I don't want shame/guilt/fear to push me away from my feelings again.

One thing to remember is that if you want to be who you feel inside, you will need to overcome, to some degree, the male look that you now have. Hormones and electrolysis won't do it all for you. You will still need to do something about your hair, eyebrows, have more feminine fingernails, etc, and you will need to dress in clothing that reflects a female gender. You will also need some makeup, unless you plan on immediately having facial feminization surgery, which can run upwards of USD 30,000-40,000. If you are TS, then the makeup would not be so much as a mask to hide your maleness as it would be an enhancement to your inner femininity.

There will be a transitioning period that you cannot skip, and this means being brave and letting your voice be heard in your family. You may need to work on job skills so that you can gain independence, and also financially support all the physical changes.

Also, don't you think it would be a good idea to go out in the world presenting as a female, in order to determine whether or not this is what you truly want for yourself? I'm not TS, and this is where other members may wish to correct me, but I've read posts from transwomen who say that finally going out in the world as a female is quite different than perhaps the ideal way it might be imagined while the individual is still in the closet. Transwomen who are out and about as themselves say that it is quite an ordinary life. They describe it as just being normal, and one TS I read here said that she wasn't treated all that differently as a female than she was as a male by shop clerks, restaurant people, bank tellers, etc. So for her it wasn't about having an idealized life as a woman, but rather it was about aligning the way she looks externally to match what she feels inside.

Sorry for the long post, but how will you really know what you want, how to rid yourself of your inner confusion, unless you begin to work on presentation skills and just go out into the world as your inner self, to see how it feels?

:hugs:

[RachelDee]

Lots of things to think about there Reine.

I can't say i have all the answers. I'm at the first step on what could be the start a very long (and hard) journey. I am scared. I will admit that. There are lots of questions and things to think about. I hope that talking it through with someone will help make things clearer for me.

Once im sure of the main answer, then of course my family will have to be told. It will be hard, last time it felt like I was 'inflicting' something on everyone around me. Seeing my mother cry and well up with tears is not something ill soon forget.

I just hope -if this is what happens, then they are more prepared for it this time when i tell them. 5 years ago it was a total shock as they never imagined this (they thought i was just gay actually). This time they will have some idea that i have had these feelings and thoughts, and i hope that makes it less of a shock and easier for them to deal with.

It would not be a good idea for me to try and go out as a female at this time. I doubt id get away with it, and i doubt it would do me any good. It would likley scare me to death, make my family view this even more badly (of their son becoming something for people to ridicule), and make me question things even more. I doubt id get an idea of how it is females are treated, be more of how crossdressers are treated? and expressing my inner self would feel more wrong than it already does -I get what you are saying though.

I am trying to take things slowly, but it does not stop me looking down the road and seeing what could be ahead. I have been asking myself, what is it that i want? What would be the major thing here that im expecting to happen and is it realistic.

I really want to feel happy with myself, and for things outside to be in sync with how i feel inside. I want to express myself without feeling its wrong or shameful, and inappropriate.

But if i do this and dont look female enough after -even if i feel better in myself and content - how will i manage? If its a constant struggle for me in social situations (not that its much of a success now) and im not accepted by people as male or female, what will i do? Am I a strong enough person with the guts and resolve to put myself through this....? Is my own underconfidence in general going to be a barrier? Questions like these ive been asking myself constantly.

EDIT: Oh and i dont really think id say i have any particular ideals on what id be treated like as female by other people. I just know that my nature would likley be understood a lot better in that role. Btw im not in the US, but from that figure id assume FFS is about £15,000? Thats an immense sum of money, and i just looked what it involves. Yes the NHS would not pay for such a thing, im not too fussed about breast size (any breast size would be fine with me! im not after huge breasts.....) but i do want to pass. So i guess this is something that might well be needed, in which case i will need to start workig in order to pay for it. Something which will be harder to do while trasitioning but well.... all more questions and concerns to go into the thought soup.

EDIT #2: I bet i sound really strange here. 28, living with parents, no job. There is a reasonable explination for it... ive suffered wtih OCD for quite a number of years , and its been at the point where i was unable to even leave a room in the house without anxiety, let alone work. Pleased to say that im over the worst of it now.

[Karen564]

There will be a transitioning period that you cannot skip, and this means being brave and letting your voice be heard in your family. You may need to work on job skills so that you can gain independence, and also financially support all the physical changes.

Also, don't you think it would be a good idea to go out in the world presenting as a female, in order to determine whether or not this is what you truly want for yourself? I'm not TS, and this is where other members may wish to correct me, but I've read posts from transwomen who say that finally going out in the world as a female is quite different than perhaps the ideal way it might be imagined while the individual is still in the closet. Transwomen who are out and about as themselves say that it is quite an ordinary life. They describe it as just being normal,

Yup....That about sums it up.....

Reine, Great job !
I can tell you've been doing your homework since I've been away.....:battingeyelashes: lol

[Areyan]

The first part, that was how I felt when I wasn't able to get "girl time" often enough back before I accepted who I am and began transitioning. I suffered like that for 10 years. The feelings did come and go. If I was able to get "girl time" often enough, things were tolerable and I didn't obsess too much. When I had limited privacy and had to be a guy for too long, things got really bad.

The second part was exactly what it came down to for me. It wasn't really about clothes, it was about my body. But the right clothes fooled my spirit into feeling like my body was right, at least for a while.

my thoughts exactly, but in reverse. i did not have "guy time" in the way of crossdressing over the years but i suffered with the same gender crashes you speak of without knowing what it was and attempting to treat it with anti-depressant meds, counselling and throwing myself into intimate relationships with others to avoid facing myself.

my identity as a woman has plagued me my entire life because although i knew at a young age that i was different i had the whole female indoctrination happen with persistence - my parents did not want a tomboy/gay daughter. being so young too i didn't think that corrective surgery was even a possibility for female-born males so i quickly dismissed the idea as ever being real. i realised i wasn't going to grow one like the other boys so i just tried to carry on life as a girl regardless - and repressed all thoughts about this for 20-something years.

yeah, we can try forcing ourselves into the gender roles expected of us. even marriage and children did not "fix" me so i find myself here now, dealing with me, finally. wearing mens' clothing takes the edge off for me now but it only scratches the surface as far as feelings about who i am inside.

so if this is one way of how we know, then it sounds like all ts/tg suffer from this on/off gender dysphoria in similar ways to varying levels.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Rachel,

I've been following your posts for the past few days and I know you based a lot of what you believed about the system in the UK about one person's
experience in the UK. I really don't believe is a real example of how things really work in Britain after I read some of the other replies on that thread.
I know you also rely on funding from the PCTs, (Primary Care Trusts), but take some note of Nigella's advice (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/PCTs,%20%28Primary%20Care%20Trusts%29) as well - my story is similar in many ways.

I also support a lot of the advice that Reine has passed onto you. So I would like to share with you my experiences
here in Australia and how I found one of the fastest tracks to getting myself under treatment & onto Hormone Therapy.

When I came out, I first came out on a social networking website back in May this year where I presented myself in my photos as a female. A month or so before I took my photos I had already started to feminise my appearance more from tips I learnt from the internet & by taking very good note of natal females. Then I posted my images to test public reaction to how people would perceive my image & to see if anyone would pick up I was male but noone did - I got a positive overwhelming response that I would be accepted as a female. I spent a great deal of time chatting online & sometimes on web-cam as a female in the privacy of my own room. I had many guys trying to chat me up, which gave me lots of confidence.

Also around this time I started looking for a doctor to help me with my transitioning. I found the doctor to be supportive, but he was ignorant of gender services available in my local area - he wanted to refer me down to Brisbane, a move of over 2000klms. So I kept researching & searching the internet until I finally found a local support group, but I had to wait a few weeks before their next meeting. But it was sometime in late June I moved into the next phase of my test - Starting my Real Life Experience (RLE). I dressed as a female and went out in public to shopping centres, just doing my weekly shopping see how people would react to me. I noticed that people passed me by and didn't even give me a second glance. I was treated no differently, except like that of a natal female & addressed as a female when I was at the checkout. I knew through my RLE that I was OK with being my true self.

At this point I started coming out to my former house-mate who had issues with my transitioning, but he has since started to come to terms with it. I also told my best friends who have totally accept it and support me in my decision to transition, so the people that mattered the most stood by me and for that I am really grateful because I was prepared to also lose them as friends if they had any issues with it.

Sometime in early July I found the Dolls House, now known as Cairns Sexual Health Services who also provided sufferers of GID with free consultation with doctors & pyschologist. I had to wait a month until the 4th of August for my first appointment. In the meantime I started living full-time as a female & also met with my local transgender support group as a female. I was told at that meeting by everyone that I presented very well for someone just coming out - but the other trans-girls did give me lots of information as well as a few tips that day which I took very good note of. I attended my first consultation at the Dolls House presented as a female on the 4th of August. The doctor who seen me was amazed at how feminine I really was for someone who they'd seen for the first time. I wasn't prescribed any hormones that day and I was asked to come back 2 weeks later to see another doctor which I realised later was because they wanted a second opinion.

It was also around this same point I started coming out to my family who haven't been accepting at all, but my attitude is, that is their problem not mine - I live my life for me & not for them or for noone else. I don't harbour any guilt over telling my family because I know I have been completely open & honest with them and damned if they think they can take that away from me - it wont ever happen. I learnt many years ago to be independent & strong without them in my life anyway.

On the 18th of August I returned to the Dolls House to see another doctor who also said that they were amazed at how feminine I was and how comfortable I was in my new gender identity at this stage. My doctor thought I was having electrolysis and was already under some type of hormone therapy. She was shocked when I told her that I had no treatments whatsoever at this stage. I told her that I was always androgynous in my appearance as a male. The Doctor then told me that she had no problems whatsoever in prescribing me hormones, but there was some things she did have to make me aware of, but she also quickly found out there wasn't anything that I didn't already know. She also scheduled some future appointments with herself and a pyschologist and also booked me into the public health system for speech therapy. I walked out of the clinic feeling that my life has just begun and haven't looked back or had any regrets since.

I should mention that I have had a couple of incidents where I was 'outed' but it was mainly because my voice gave me away. The main thing was that I didn't let these bigots affect me, I simply held my head high, laughed at the situations I where I was confronted while dealing with them positively, calmly & with confidence - I always maintained a happy smile on my face the whole time.

In summary, I think a few things helped me to get on track & stay on track...

1. Research (2 years) into understanding my GID & transsexualism before I started my transitioning.
2. Learning all I could to feminise myself to a point I could live full-time as a female and start my RLE.
3. Joining my local Transgender support group & the GLBT community where I have made lots of new friends.
4. Going through the proper channels to get help & support rather than taking matters into my own hands & self-medicating.
5. Facing up to bigotry with a very positive attitude, with confidence & not letting other people's insecurities & issues affect me.

These are some of the main things that helped me, I just hope they can also inspire you to have a little more patience & be strong.

[Inna]

Rachel, reading your further posting and not being a licensed therapist what I will say may not be taken as a prescription but nevertheless you are TG. I want to put your anxiety to rest and assure you that one thing is obvious, you are gender dysphoric and all your concerns are very typical to transgender psyche. I am certain that worrying about wrongful diagnosis is not going to be an issue, however the road ahead is and you should prepare your self for a long, but wonderful journey of discovery. No, this is not going to solve all the trouble in life but it will give you strength and enlightenment along the way. You are amongst good friends here who want nothing less then your happiness and bright smile on your face. Take a deep breath and stay still for a while and let your soul enjoy the silence for in silence you will find serenity and peace.

[RachelDee]

Thank you for sharing that MelodyN. I appreciate it, and have read it though.

My GP did tell me that I needed to be sure and strong enough in my desire before she referred me. I think the main reason she said this was because she knew my family did not know about it, and obviously its not something i can keep from them forever. If i couldnt tell them, then...

But also she told me she had to apply for funding? I was not aware she would have had to do this *before* a confirmed diagnosis was made but i guess that the assesments themselves are funded too. I asked her twice i should see someone else before going directly to this clinic and she just told me to see my current OCD therapist and see if she knew anyone i could chat to. Two weeks time im to see her again to confirm her contact with the GID clinic in Nottingham.

I decided to search out the clinic and found its website;
http://www.nottinghamshirehealthcare.nhs.uk/our-services/local-services/gender-clinic/

RLE experience is listed there, but that seems to happen at the same time as you start any treatments such as hormones. They dont mention facial hair removal or voice therapy though which is a worry. Just hormones and SRS.

I hope that i dont come accross as impatient to people here, maybe i am doing.

I just feel like ive wasted so much time in my life, not just with this issue (5 years ago i could have done something and i didnt... im cursing myself for this) but the OCD which gripped me for 7 years. I feel like ive done so little, and the idea of being in a state of limbo & emotional distress for years to come is an unbearable prospect. I am also very aware of how earlier transitions are better result wise, and im getting to the end of my 20's.... In my 'ideal' view of things i guess i wanted to be on hormones before i hit 29. Being able to live somewhat of a small amount of my 'youth' as it were (my 30's) being happy with myself and my identity (does this sound stupid?).

I dont want to insult people who are going through this in any way either. I know people have been through far more than i could possibly imagine on their way to treatment, and have likley been to support groups and other things before they did anything and for many years. I suppose it sounds like im trying to 'skip to the end'.

I was so much happier when i read this;
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Treatment.aspx



For some people, support and advice from a clinic are all they need to feel comfortable in their gender identity. However, others will need more extensive treatment, such as a full transition from one sex to the other. The amount and extent of treatment you have is completely up to you.

---

Adults who have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and transsexuals should be referred to a specialist gender identity clinic. These clinics offer ongoing assessment for people with gender dysphoria. They can also provide support and advice about living in your preferred gender role, including:

•mental health support
•hormone treatment
•ways to dress in your preferred gender role
•ways to behave in your preferred gender role
•language and speech therapy
•hair removal treatments
•peer support groups to meet other people with gender dysphoria
•relatives' support groups for your family


---

The aim of hormone therapy is to make you more comfortable with yourself, both in your physical appearance and how you feel psychologically (mentally). These hormones start the process of changing your body into one that is more female or more male, depending on your gender identity.

Hormone therapy may be all the treatment you need to live with your gender dysphoria. The hormones may improve how you feel and mean that you do not need to start living in your preferred gender or have surgery.


The information on RLE seems to indicate that you must do this for at least 1 year when seeking SRS (which is totally fair enough, and fine). The other stuff made me feel a lot happier, because it seemed like people would be 'on my side' when i went for support. Reading around what goes on in actual GID clinics in the UK though makes it feel more like you have to 'prove' something. The system in the US is what i first assumed would be used over here, and the idea of being treated and living full/part time as you felt comfortable seemed perfect. It would give someone like me a chance to build their confidence in their emerging identity. It would also be a lot easier for family to deal with im sure, because reactions of living with them and presenting as female 'as i am' would probably not go down well. For that reason since reading all this, ive been thinking of how i might even have to move out or the situation might become intolerable for me and them.

Damn. These posts get so long! Sorry for that.

@Alexia Elliot

Thankyou, and i really do appreciate the input and support people have offered. Without it im not sure what i would have done, or how id have coped with my thoughts and feelings. I just did an online COGIATI test (not sure how authentic it was) and scored 130. Apparently that's a 'COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL' as it put it.

I worry how i come accross to people on here sometimes, as im aware that im trying hard to put my thoughts into words fully. Which might not always translate well, and i dont want to offend anyone or portray myself wrongly.

I thank you for your words though. I doubt that transition will solve any issues in life for me (not any beyond how i feel about myself anyway) as its more likley to create a number of new ones with family/friends and how other people accept me in all other aspects of life. I just hope that im strong enough to see it all through and do something about it this time. I am going to have to not only risk friendships and upsetting those close to me, but gain a ton of confidence and resolve to see all this through. I don't know if i have it in me, but then i think of just leaving things as they are and i cannot accept that either....