To Tell Or Not To Tell....

[Areyan]

hey all,

my question today is: are you ready to come out/have you got a plan on how you're going to come out OR if you already have, how did you go about it?

this question may also be answered by MTFs but i posted it in the transmasculine forums because i'd like to know about the FTM experience more so.

i'm starting to wonder when the time will come when it's going to be necessary to out myself to family and friends. going to therapy will be a great step for me in dealing with my own issues around it, but i still feel the onus is on myself to make this decision at some point, especially if i feel i can no longer continue in my previous gender role for everyone and have to start making some real changes in how i live my life. i don't have concrete answers for it all right now but when i try to imagine staring down the barrel at my life as a woman in 20 years time i feel like i'm choking back blobs of pain and unbelievable madness.

my situation is one that requires therapy because i have young children and i want to do right by myself and my children. at this point i just feel like an imposter around my family of origin because i cannot bring myself to tell them anything. i know i could go on pretending for a bit longer (not sure how long) but i would be lying to myself and it would really hurt to keep that up. they are also still dealing with the grief of my former partner's transition so i can't help but squirm thinking of how awfully it would go down for them. not only that, i feel that they actually won't believe me anyway or think i'm doing something spiteful or at worst, that i am just confused. this is the first time in my life the confusion has actually stopped for a change.

my children already know and are wonderful with me, but i have a long way to go yet. while i am still fairly invisible it has not affected the kids in their own worlds but i realise going full time would have some affect after awhile. i say fairly invisible because culturally it is still so acceptable for women to wear masculine clothing. but the way i'm going with it, over time i would start having issues with people who would clue on, just because i live in a small community and a LOT of people knew about my TS ex. i guess i'm afraid of being outed before i'm ready or able to deal with it and i'm having a hard time sourcing help without outing myself to a whole bunch of anonymous people while i make enquiries. i know, it's all part of trying to source help, but it does stop me from picking up the phone sometimes.

thanks in advance for sharing your experiences. :thumbsup:

[mistunderstood]

My girl friend outed me to me. She was the one who asked me if I really wanted to be a man in stead of a woman. Now that I have said yes and she is ok with it we still have problems that pop up now and again. So we take it one step at a time.

[WalT]

Before a month or so ago, I had only come out to two people: my current partner, a trans woman, and my ex, a super transphobic, homophobic, self-loathing cis man. Dealing with abuse from the latter closeted me.

I came out a month ago in order to preempt being outed by a campus "LGBT" group due to a few... "difficulties" with a particularly transphobic jerk.

[Seamus_Jameson]

I like how concerned you are for your childrens' well-being. Just remember when you are in counseling that some social workers try to make trans an issue for removing children. I don't know how old your children are, so I don't know if this would be a problem. It is an unfortunate evil, but something that sadly needs to be kept in mind.

If you can't keep living the lie, don't. Just be prepared for the worst. My father, in a lopsided attempt to not be offensive, now calls me by my middle name, instead of my chosen name. My sister refuses to acknowledge it at all; she's stopped using gender specific pronouns with me just to avoid more arguments. My mother refuses to even talk to me about it and now tries to keep me from interacting freely with my younger siblings. So this can be very hard. Even if you think someone is very accepting of "alternate" lifestyles, don't count on their support. There can be a lot of difference between what someone feels towards society "in general" and you. In another words, if you out yourself, you may find that people who "support" transsexuals have completely different feelings when a friend/family member is one.

Even if people are very accepting to start, don't expect that they necessarily "get" it. You may find yourself patiently explaining transsexualism over and over and over to the same people. Eventually you may discover that some of them are deliberately "not getting it" because they don't want to deal with your masculinity, but they don't want to come right out and say that your weirdness offends them.

I say, go for it. You can't keep hiding from the people closest to you, not if you want to have a meaningful relationship with them. Just make sure you have at least one person (possibly an older child?) who can support you unconditionally and listen when you need to rant.

I'm sorry about your family situation. It definitely sounds like this will be very hard and cause major conflict for them and you. Just stay firm. You know who you are. And remember, sometimes people surprise us in the best ways. You may find greater warmth than you could possibly hope for.


P.S. I have stayed the hell away from the campus LGBT group for just that reason--gays and lesbians usually have no clue and can be very rude to boot.