Not sure I want to come out

[SienaDawson]

I'm not sure if anyone is in this situation. Like so many others I've been aware of my femme side pretty much my whole life but it is something I have kept hidden. Exposing this side of myself to my family and or friends will obviously change how they look at me and also change the dynamics of all of these relationships and I don't think I want that. This is a part of who I am but it is a small part and the way the world is I don't think it would be perceived as a small part. I think, perception-wise, it would overwhelm the other parts of who I am in addition to causing pain and confusion to my loved ones. Because of all this I can't imagine coming out in any real sense.

Does anyone else have similar feelings?

[Amanda22]

From what you've written, and this is only my opinion, you should not come out. If your feelings ever change, then you can always reconsider. I agree with you wholeheartedly that crossdressing is a small part and I've had a couple of friends I've come out to who see it as a much bigger deal. It is really difficult to predict reactions. This is why when I come out to someone, I do so knowing full well I may lose or see the relationship seriously altered for the negative. On the other hand, if that happens, it wasn't as loving and understanding relationship as I had perceived. I'm at a point in my life where I really do want to know where my genuine and respectful relationships lie. I would rather invest in relationships, whether they be family or friends, which will return the same unconditional love and respect that I extend to them. Life is too short to do otherwise!!

Good luck to you!

[Chickhe]

Yup it is the same for me. However, I've been letting this side of myself be more visible and I care less and less about what anyone else thinks, but I don't broadcast it either. My strategy is to just do it and not get in to any deep philosophical discussions about why or to explain what it means to me... I keep it in the fun and unusual activity category vs. here is the new me...

[SienaDawson]

Thanks so much for the feedback and support Mandy! If this was a perfect world things would be different. Things are always evolving and my feelings about this could definitely change.
I have so much respect for those of you who do risk to much and come out to friends and/or family. Everyone deserves to be happy.

[Office Stacy]

I agree with everyone else. I am still trying to discover why i do it and what makes me happen about getting dressed you. The best thing is to find out and understand more about yourself and why you dress up. The more you understand the better you may feel.

[Nicole L.]

I'm new here too. I've try'd to figure out the answer's to the same question's you have.. Still trying.. My mom knew, my youngest son know's, and it's never changed how they felt about me.. I'd like to be able to tell everyone else.. But, I also don't want to hurt anyone.. There's other's here that hopefully can help us both.. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone..

[SienaDawson]

Thanks Nicole, Stacy, and Chickhe. It is comforting to know people dealing with the same issues. It seems like everyone needs to do what works for them. My only fear is one of my kids accidentally finding out about this side of me. I try to be extremely careful to avoid that but as they get older I'm sure the possibility/probability of that increases.

[marny]

Pain, confusion!!!! and what to do about these hands??? :brolleyes:

[JohnH]

Sorry for my abrupt reply - but I guess I have a different take on wearing women's clothing. I do have a feminine side to me. But the masculine side is with me all the time...

I would say come out and don't keep things a secret! Sure you are going to cause some reactions among your narrow minded relative and friends. However, it would be better for you to come out on your own terms instead of someone discovering you on down the road. Now if you are discovered you will be in a world of hurt.

I wear skirts, dresses, and heels because I like to do so. I don't examine myself why I like do do it. My wife eschews all those items. Those items are simply not her style. I don't wear those items at church or when my wife comes home from work out of respect and the feelings of others.

It really makes me seethe with anger that women have all the freedom to wear whatever they want, but let a man wear a skirt, dress, heels, and/or makeup he is regarded as abnormal!

As far as hurting other peoples feelings, it's your life that you are living.

[Nikki A.]

I think we all go through this. I want to come out & be open but fear the consequences w/job and family. Thankfully once my kids are out of college I'll be close to retiring and then I really don't care what anybody thinks.
The more I dress the more I realize that it is a part of who I am and I do despise hiding it. After this Halloween, I was kidded that I pulled it off way to well. As he put it "not if you're a CD but for how long". I just looked and him and said guess

[Stephanie47]

I've been dressing for over 55 years. Except for my wife, I do not believe anybody else knows. She does not approve. I prefer to keep it that way out of respect for my wife's feelings. In a era in which it seems you cannot voice a political opinion without being called names, I suspect most persons are not going to be tolerant of anybody cross-dressing. It has always been interesting, but, expected, that the persons you think are the most tolerant quickly become intolerant when it hits close to home. Yes, I wish I could go out en femme, but, I do fear negative reactions. If the urge to go out en femme is overwhelming I think it's best to do it away from home. Also, cultivate friends of similar interests. I know many of you feel 'just do it' and let the chips fall where they may, but, once done you cannot undo it. Life is full of compromises.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I had no intend of coming out to family. I understand your feelings. By my Ex made that choice for me. So I have learned to live with it.


Em

[Lynn Marie]

I have to take issue, JohnH, with the "narrow minded" label for relatives and friends. Before I became one, I viewed CDs with a very narrow mind. Before getting divorced I viewed divorced people with a narrow mind. It takes a humble heart to be able to learn and expand our horizons and to overcome our lifelong prejudices. It doesn't happen overnight. It is a slow and often times painful transition to an enlightened state of acceptance of our fellow man and woman and crossdresser!

I also fully understand your dilema, Brad, of staying pretty close to that closet. Many, many folks here are in exactly the same boat as you, and many more are in a limited state of getting out. Family and relatives and friends and work and clients are all important and often extremely important to all of us. I don't feel it's my job to force them into an enlightened state whether they like it or not because if they don't like it, I've lost someone near and dear to me. I could also lose a great deal of my financial worth too!

So my life is somewhat limited. So what? I have to obey traffic laws and the laws of the land and the common rules of the society. They limit my freedom. I'll live with it. The alterative of going to prison or becoming and outcast is not an option here!

[ReineD]

This is a part of who I am but it is a small part and the way the world is I don't think it would be perceived as a small part.

There's no harm in wanting to keep the CDing from your family and friends if you do not feel the need to express it any more than you do now. But, I would strongly recommend telling a girlfriend if you ever do begin a relationship. She would want to know if even a small part of you wants to express femininity. Gender is one of the fundamental fabrics that form and separate the members of our society and it can be confusing for the uninitiated if they find out about the crossdressing inadvertently.

Also, if you read many of the threads here, you'll see that the need to cross the gender barriers does grow, the more a person gives him or herself permission to do so.

[Joanne f]

This is a subject that will keep appearing as it will play on the minds of may as what to do , i am not sure any more if it is right to advise on the matter as if all go`s well when you do come out with it, it can become one of the best things you have done in your life but if things go wrong then it can become one of the worst things you have ever done in your life .
Just to complicate things if you do not come clean with it to your wife/so ( and i guess morally you should) and your wife/so finds out then you could find yourself in a lot more trouble than if you do tell her/him.
It is only you who can decide this from knowing your wife/so as you should know them .

[Kate Simmons]

Taking responsibility for our own actions isn't always easy but no one ever said it would be. It's our life, we decide what to do but if we are mature, we take ownership of our own vessel and deal with the results. Simple and hard at the same time really.:)

[SienaDawson]

That is a good point Reine and things would be different if I were beginning a relationship now. When my wife and I got together I hadn't accepted this side of myself. I agree with what Lynn Marie says, too, that it is okay to accept some limitations in life. That doesn't mean I don't fantasize about a closet full of dresses and hundreds of pairs of heels. Of course I'm also fabulously rich and a size 4 in those fantasies :). Things may continue to evolve and maybe my thoughts on this might change as the need to go further increases but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

[TiffanyTgirl]

I know how you feel. I won't come out to my parents nor will I while they are living. I won't do it to my son. He doesn't need any extra weight to carry. Maybe years from now.

[GingerLeigh]

Your immediate family may surprise you. If they're like mine they will be accepting and not judge. After telling my father about it he told me "so? You're still the same man you were a minute ago before you told me!" and "Hey, I cannot blame you for liking nylons on legs! It really turns me on, just on a woman's legs that is."

Friends, well that's another story. Many of my co-workers (and some friends from work) merely suspect I dress and their attitudes towards me have changed for the worse. Some are fine with it, some cannot deal with the embarrassment of being seen with me, others outright hate me. In essence at work I've been treated like...
1) The Fragile Child
2) The Leper Pervert
3) The Evil Enemy

In time, you will begin to accept it for what it really is. No big deal. It will be at that point you can tell someone about it. If you cannot accept yourself for who you are, how can anyone else? (I still haven't told my wife, so I'll just get off my soapbox now......)

Ginger

[melissacd]

Taking responsibility for our own actions isn't always easy but no one ever said it would be. It's our life, we decide what to do but if we are mature, we take ownership of our own vessel and deal with the results. Simple and hard at the same time really.:)

I could not agree more. I took action, accepted the consequences and have survived it all.

[ReineD]

That is a good point Reine and things would be different if I were beginning a relationship now. When my wife and I got together I hadn't accepted this side of myself.

Oops, I thought you were single! You might want to tell your wife then, even if you tell her that you enjoy expressing femininity, but it is a very small part of you. Then leave it up to her as to whether or not she wants to participate.

You don't want her to find out about this in any other way. :hugs:

[giuseppina]

Hello Brad

There are some good points made above. A very good sticky by Marla GG at the top of this section provides advice on how to tell your wife. Allowing your wife to find your frillies generally, but not always, causes a lot of hard feelings.

Your children will adjust to your cross dressing if given the chance. The problems that arise are, to be honest, mostly about others' issues surrounding gender and sexual variance and how wrong and perverted it is.

Prejudice and intolerance are entirely learned behaviors and thought patterns.

Good luck. :hugs:

[lmildcd]

I kinda know what you're going through. Only two people in my everyday outside the internet know about me crossdressing. One is an ex-grilfriend who I hope keeps her mouth shut about it. A yahoo group that I belong to also knows. I don't know how far I'll come out or how far I want to go. I'm still undecided about somethings.

[Maddie22]

I would say that once you do tell someone that it does change things. Not necessarily in a bad or good way, it just changes things. Some of the friends of mine that do know ask me about it every once in awhile. I also feel for me there is not going back, the toothpaste is out of the tube and you can't put it back in now. If I were to start a relationship with someone then a few that do know, I feel like they would expect me to eventually tell that person I'm involved with. With a few friends, telling them actually made us closer, and a few I had a falling out with (not because of me telling them what I do, just naturally) And so with those I always wonder do they tell other people.

We definitely don't have simple situations that we deal with.

[bridgetta]

i buried it for years.. been thinkng about it.. and i do not want to tell anyone.. .

[Christy_M]

Your story seems to mirror mine from not too long ago. As you have undoubtedly read on other posts, the "need" or "desire" or whatever you call it will grow over time. As you get older, you start to realize who you are is not who people see you as. My male self is a real jackass and I know I developed that persona in order to keep anyone from ever suspecting that I wore women's clothes. The more I express Christy, the more I feel like myself and I don't need to create a personality to fit what people expect of me.

Will there be set backs? I could tell plenty of stories and even recently have a doozy. Will I stop trying to be me? No. Once I get past this current storm, I need to figure out how to express myself becasue I don't want the jackass back in front of people I care about. How you determine your situation's readiness to be known is something noone else can help with. You have to weigh the consequences of who will be affected and then decide if the fall out is something you can live with. For what seems like many, they have decided they can live with their own fall out from their expression of themselves. They are not you and you should do this on your own terms and not feel pressured into stepping off the ledge until you feel comfortable with how you will land.

I have found there is such a great support structure on this site. My life would be far less rewarding without the friendships I have developed here and have yet to develop. Please use the information and experiences found here to make the best decisions for yourself. Just remember, you are the only one who has to live with the outcome of your actions. While all of us can be here to help pick up the pieces for you, we will never be able to walk down your road for you.

Hugs,
Christy

[suzy1]

Members that say things like “it’s your life, and, don’t be put off by hurting others” have not, perhaps ever been in that position.
When you have family, including children that you love, then going out dressed without thinking of the consequences for them is wrong in my opinion.
Most of us know the people we are close to. And have a good idea as to how they will react.
Or are we that selfish?

SUZY

[noeleena]

Hi,

Its not for every one to expose them selfs to the world around them in fact not very wise as the end result would not be good .

For many they do get caught up with the thought of it would be fun , not so. & you are wise enough to know whats best. .

For some its good . & works out . & dont get pushed in to it . & regret , you live with for a long time .

...noeleena...

[ReineD]

Most of us know the people we are close to. And have a good idea as to how they will react.
Or are we that selfish?

It depends.

Scenario #1: If the CDer can "take it or leave it", if he CDs only rarely, and can even choose to not dress when he does have the opportunity, say he doesn't feel like dressing most of the time, then the CDing is not an important part of his life, as the OP has suggested.

BUT, with everything I've read in this forum over the years, the urge to CD is seldom that quiet or unobtrusive, especially over time.

Scenario #2: If the CDer looks for opportunities to CD, for example if he can't wait for the wife and kids to go away, or if he lives for his business trips, or if the family was supposed to go away and their plans change, thwarting his own dressing plans, he is bound to feel impatience or a degree of frustration. Or if he does dress when they're away, he may feel guilt when they come back. He may be secretive as to his activities when they were gone. Whether he likes to admit it or not, all these feelings do shine through and the rest of the family is at a loss to understand why husband/daddy is upset. Over time, especially as the needs to CD increase, this is bound to erode relationships. The wife feels her husband's distance, she cannot imagine what is causing it, so she fills in all the blanks with her own explanations. An unspoken rift develops. Mistrust takes hold. The resentments build. And then, when the urge to CD become so strong as to make it impossible to carry on without telling the wife, or God forbid, should she find the cache, she is much less likely to listen with an open heart, since she's been mad at her husband for years because he has felt so distant to her. The connection they had before the CDing, before the secrets, is no longer there.

So in this second scenario, is it selfish to tell the wife? I really don't think so. I think it's a kindness.

But, the biggest mistake a CDer can make, is actually being in the midst of scenario #2, but telling himself he is in scenario #1. :sad: This is sad for him, his wife, the kids, for everyone.

[suchacutie]

The genie cannot be put back into the bottle. I don't know what I'd do without support from my fabulous loving wife, but I do know that the rest of the world doesn't matter. I don't feel I have any obligation to explain all of my private thoughts to anyone other than my wife. However, if I had been CDing before entering a committed relationship, I have no idea how I would be able to handle it. I am in awe of all of you who have to handle this situation.

tina

[Sophie_C]

Totally! I live in the closet! Thank God you're only a crossdresser and not keeping being transgender in the closet. It's a serious pain in butt, lots of consistent repression. Still, the consequences in 2010 are just too great. The norm is to lose your job, as well as family and most friends. And, they're what I vaue the most in my life. How could I give that up out of sheer principle? Hats off to you all who have the fortitude to do it! My respect for you is sky-high.

[Patty B.]

This is something a wife, s.o. should know, honesty is the best policy I know from experience. But my wife has told family about me and now its known in our community and also at work which has now become very unpleasant. I am now treated differently by coworkers, a very few seem ok with me but most avoid me as much as possible and only interact with me if absolutely necessary. Management has to follow ny state laws, but I'm also aware they can find or make up enough reasons to let me go. If one person knows about you its just a matter of time before everyone knows. My children are very accepting of me which is a huge relief Ive never wanted to have this cause my family any grief. My wife started out ok, but after about a year she has gone just the other way and I'm not so sure this marriage will survive. So be prepared for all the good and bad that can happen by coming out.

[Sarah Doepner]

I think, perception-wise, it would overwhelm the other parts of who I am in addition to causing pain and confusion to my loved ones. Because of all this I can't imagine coming out in any real sense.

Does anyone else have similar feelings?

I can't tell you how to deal with your situation, it's unique to you and the relationships you have. I can only tell you my experience.

I put off telling my wife for exactly that reason, her world was full of conflict and worry about kids, parents, work, friends and it would have been selfish of me to load one more thing on her overburdened shoulders. Then she found out and after a little bit of time, quite a bit of research and a lot of questions the biggest problem was "Why didn't I trust her enough to tell her?"

As for having it overwealm the other parts of my life, it hasn't happened. Once I was out to her and didn't have to hide it any longer the crossdressing demon no longer lurked in the shadows waiting for a chance to take me away. I could pick and choose my time. Actually, except for expanded shopping desires, I got to be much more in control. As for how others take it, well, that's something you can influence but not control. I believe the mantra around here is "find your comfort zone, not mine".

[mklinden2010]

is cheap.

[bridgetta]

i keep thinking.. i reallly enjoy cd ing.... why would i tell someone who would take the fun out of it.. .its private.. its sexual.. and therefor its not anyones business... i dont want to know other peoples fetishes.... furthermore.. if i would tell someone.. it would be because they could have the same enthusiasm i do.. otherwise.. whats the point!!??

[danielletorresani]

I would never come out to my friends and family. Hell no...not for me, anyway.

[mmm4umichelle]

wow, this is such a reality for me also, no Brad you are not alone, not in a long shot. I have kept my other self secret for over 25 years. My mother caught me when I was in college one night and she made me swear I would never do it again. Well, so much for that... I want to tell my wife at least but I also see that things are fine the way they are (except for the fact that I am hiding something from my wife). Coming out would probably take away all of those freedoms I have as a CD. Even if my wife would be somewhat accepting, I would be constantly asked every time I would have some time to myself if I was going to become "her" again? Once my kids get bigger the chances are very good that they may find something of michelle's or find me as Michelle, then what? wow, scary... I have also thought, is all this dressing really worth the risk of losing my whole family and all of my friends ??? But it is so much a part of me, I feel at ease, at peace, whole, when I am dressed as Michelle, you dont just give that up. what to do, what to do?... And then throw in the whole christian beliefs that I grew up with and still have, gets even more interesting... Those of you that have come out to your SO's and have lived:), consider yourselves VERY lucky. I also very much admire your courage. Wish I could find some of that. Anyways, there are a lot of us like me and until society allows men to dress in fem like women dress like guys, this is what we got...:) Good luck to all of us:)