TG emotions: fear, sadness, frustration

[kamerynjlee]

Life is complicated. I want to be 'me' more, but cannot due to busy work, unaccepting spouse. When I say more, I mean all the time. I've been everywhere as Kameryn, but am always conscious of my size (plus size and tall). I tend to pass well in close contact situations, but never know if stares in public are due to my being a statuesque pretty woman, or from just being read. I'll eventually get pictures up, but all of you know those don't really tell any of our stories in full.

I haven't dressed in a few weeks, and jump at the chance to do so ANYTIME. I hate the nervous feeling that comes back after not having dressed in a while, combined with the intense, overwhelming need to feel more natural. I'm in Vegas now for a meeting, and always hesitated in the past to be myself here - too crowded, too much drinking, lots of people watching. But, despite that, I proceeded to go ahead and walk down the strip to Fashion Show Mall 2 days ago. I was shocked (again) that I was willing to put my discomfort aside in order to express my need to be natural. The occasional stare and/or whisper was uncomfortable, but was balanced by what I believe was absolute cluenessness on the part of the older sales associates who started dressing rooms for me in Nordstrom and Dillards. And although my 2 hour makeup jobs are flawless, I'm extremely honest with myself, based on my size alone.

Now, I find myself plotting to fly back home as Kameryn, which I've done once before without incident, but with significant trepidation. I believe that this takes the most courage, even among our sisters who are smaller in stature. But the NEED is so overwhelming, that I am willing to jump through hoops. Arriving to airport at 4AM, walking through an unknown airport for a connecting flight, going to a family restroom to quickly take it all off before my wife picks me up at BWI. It's enough to make me cry, literally.

The lemonade I'm trying to make with the lemons I've been given in life has no sugar. Intense love for my wife and young daughter seems just as strong as my passion and need to be more natural, and only my Christianity helps me cope. It's scary, because almost everything I've gotten the notion to do as Kameryn, I have over time always figured out how to do it. Where will it all go?

Thanks for listening.

Kameryn

[Christy_M]

You are surely in a tough spot. How much you moderate your expression for your wife/family depends entirely on what you can and cannot live without. The more time Kameryn needs is time away from your family. Unless your family is willing to spend time with Kameryn, there is a choice in what is more important to you. I can tell you that I struggle with this every day. The time Christy gets is very limited and not nearly as much as I want. I love my family and being around them brings me a different kind of comfort than I get from expressing Christy. My circumstances are not yours so you will have to weigh all the consequences.

Many of us are here for you to vent and talk about your decisions for your journey.

My heart is with you as you work through these questions.

Hugs,
Christy

[mklinden2010]

do.

[Karren H]

Didn't dress for a few weeks?? Ohh please.... Was over 6 months for this spring/summer... Your right... Life is too busy but you have to set priorities.. Mine are family, work, everything else, and then crossdressing.. If I have time. But I used to HAVE to crossdress every minute I could. Like an obsession. And I got irritated when I couldn't and it was driving a wedge between me and the rest of my family and the world.... But then it hit me... And I realized that its not an omg.... I got to be me and wear womens clothing but I'm already me... All the time and I am the same person no mater what clothing I wear... You need to rethink your priorities... Most people can't do everything in life they want to do... Not enough time or money... I'm not saying that what I do works for everyone but you have to make decisions based on what's most important to you. Else your going to get mired down in a limbo land of indecisiveness and self pity and end up dying and lonely old woman want-a-be! (I just added the last part for dramatic effect!). Lol.

[Crissy65]

Karen WOW!!!

[Misti]

Kameryn. When you are in Vegas the next time, go see Amy at the Glamour Boutique, 714 E. Sahara. She is an incredible friend. She got me started on this forum, for which I am eternally grateful. She and the girls go out every Saturday nite en masse, en femme. I only wish I could go with them, but I can't, yet. Keep the faith, girl. Hugs! Misti

[Chari]

Many of us here have been in your situation where it is very frustrating having the need to "dress" and not the time. Some of us "underdress" just to have those silky smooth items close to us all day and night. Others have gone out to hotels/motels just for an evening or weekend to enjoy our feminine side. You have to find and decide what is comfortable for your situation, but sometimes it becomes a trade-off as to what is the stronger need.

[Kathi Lake]

Kameryn, Karren kinda nailed it - as she often does in her no-nonsense, coal-mining ways. :)

You need to come to the point that you are you, no matter which side of the closet you get dressed from. I totally understand not being able to dress when you feel you would like to have some "girl time" but I also understand that family should always come first - as long as you want that family, that is.

:)

Kathi

[kamerynjlee]

Thanks to all of you for your words. I don’t expect any of you to have an answer to my life problems, but having a few kind people to listen is often therapeutic.? Take care.

Kameryn