Significant steps and scared

[KateConnors]

Hi,

I've not posted for quite sometime, probably about a year. Been lurking for sometime though :)

Anyways, to cut a long story short, we (my wife and I) had our first baby in February. During the pregnancy my trans-anxiety was pretty extreme, and the impending nature of fatherhood stressed me out no end. However, this was nothing compared to he anxiety I've felt since Rowan, our gorgeous little girl, was born. She brings us both such joy, however, I am feeling more certain about my transgender status than ever before. Our baby being born seemed to set off a catalyst in my brain, specifically the drive to be honest to myself, my wife and my baby in order to be the best parent and spouse I can be.

I've been in therapy for a couple of months now, even taking my wife me to last appointment. While she's supportive of me, she naturally enough doesn't want me to transition full time. However, she is beginning to understand the depth of my gender dysphoria, and we have talked a lot of late. I have talked to her about starting hormones, and she is supportive of this decision, and understands it could be for the best. As she put it, I'm pretty useless at the moment since I'm pretty spaced out or feeling crappy. One of our concerns was regarding subsequent children, but we've talked about freezing sperm, and my wife is willing to go down this route.

My therapist is supportive of me taking hormones, and I've pretty much made the decision to go down this path. I made my first laser appointment today (which incidentally is something that freaks my wife out more than hormones).

Anyway, this is something I've wanted my whole life - I'm 32 tomorrow. I started to transition about 10 years ago but held back because of my urge to procreate, but nevertheless I'm pretty petrified. Perhaps, it's best to say that I'm scared to be happy for the first time.

From my previous experience on hormones I know how calm and happy I was. This is the person I feel I should be, but I realize that going on hormones may a prelude to transitioning which will mean potentially mean the breakup of our marriage.

If I start hormones, and don't transition and/or have SRS, then I'll never be able to take my daughter for swimming lessons - well it makes it much more awkward for certain. This makes me sad.

Anyway, I'm just venting here, I don't expect any miracle responses. Thanks for listening........

[Melody Moore]

Hi Kate,

I really do think that you are on the right path given the fact that you are under therapy and your wife is involved and you are working through issues. Your wife's feelings about not wanting you to transition full-time I think is because she feels that she is losing her husband, another reason she has some issues with your laser treatment. You say that you've already made this decision to start hormone therapy and that will eventually lead to other issues to your wife that you will both have to deal with. So I believe you really need to start talking to her more about the affects of hormones and how you & your relationship with your wife will change. Sex wont ever be the same and neither will your role as a parent because you will be a second mother to your daughter. Biologically you are her father, but in your role you wont ever been seen as her father by your daughter and her peers when she reaches school age. So your wife will have to also do her own transitioning as well, - sexually, as a parent & socially with family & friends. You need to be prepared that there are quite a few things that she might not accept - including the lesbian aspect of your relationship.

I wouldn't be too concerned about taking your daughter to swimming lessons if you don't have SRS, there are ways & means to getting around this issue. What is most important here is that you are happy. The good things I do see here are as I have already mentioned, you are under a therapist and your wife is involved & most importantly your daughter is very young & at an age where she shouldn't have any problems adjusting to your changes & your role as a parent. The older they are the more complex this issue is and harder to deal with.

I wish you luck and hope that everything work out for you.

[Hope]

It sounds to me like you are being responsible and doing this the right way, and taking all of the right things into consideration along the way.

Remember, there is no set "end-point" and there is no program you have to follow. You are finished when you are finished, and you don't have to decide today who you will be in 10 years.

[sandra-leigh]

I like what Hope had to say about not needing to decide today who you will be in 10 years.

With regards to swimming: I don't know the exact time frame, but through the 1930's at minimum, swimming shorts and top for men was the norm.

Keep in mind that any breast growth you get through hormones will not be the same as breast augmentation: ending up with only an A cup or B cup is the most common. I seem to be an A cup these days (without hormones) and my wife is the only one who notices even if I'm topless; I wear bras that lift it me to look more like small B; if anyone at work has noticed, they haven't said anything. There are enough men with "moobs" that in the A-B range of sizes, even going topless might not be remarkable. On the other hand, hormones tend to alter breast shape, and it can be quite difficult to predict what shape you will get, and difficult to predict the mixture of tissue versus fat that you will get. If you do end up with a fair bit of elasticity and noticeable amount of fat (and thus a much more distinctive female shape) then chances are that a minimizing bra would move things around enough to significantly blur the "breast" vs "moob" distinction.

Telling anyone who gives a damn that you are wearing a top "to hide my moobs" is likely to be quite enough. It is very unlikely that you are going to end up with firm DD's.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kate

What resonates with me in your note is what you said about your daughter. I have 2 daughters...they are teenagers and I would say that knowing how my loss would hurt them created so much sadness inside me..
it didnt end up that way...i wore tshirts for years as my boobs grew...they didnt grow that much..

taking it slow..knowing the risks..and thinking things through is the best way to make this all work out.. be good to your wife and understand that she is going to be most affected by this..her feelings and her decisions over time are a huge unknown as you go down your own path...her feelings and decisions will have a huge impact on the relationship you have with your daughter too..

all the best
kaitlyn

[Traci Elizabeth]

Hope & Kaitlyn have made very important comments. In my case, my wife is very supportive, loving, and an active partner in my transition but does have her sad days too. I think those days are unavoidable as well.

My adult daughter is having a more difficult time than my wife, and my grand-daughter (we have always had a very very close relationship) is having a very difficult time of it. And still can not bring herself to talk to me. I remain hopeful. Only time will tell.

I want to share part of a recent email I received from my daughter with you to give you a real perspective of some of the anguish loved ones go through while you are happier than you have ever been in your life:

"I never know how to feel...I don't know whether to be sad for you or
happy for you. I do know I'm scared for you either way. I cry and cry
because I don't know this female, I only know the male...my dad, and I
don't want to let him go. Just as I didn't want to let my mom go. Maybe
its selfish reasons but all I know is you were the one man I could
count on in my life...where every other man in my life has hurt me.

(My daughter's reference to her mom (my first wife) is based in the fact that she died way too early in life from a very slow protracted death.)

So although there is much to rejoice about in transitioning, you may also feel much heartache along your journey. There are no right or wrong answers only our individual personal experiences. Everything else and everyone else are not relevant to your journey.

I hope the years bring continued happiness and support for you.

[Areyan]

Hi Kate,

I really do think that you are on the right path given the fact that you are under therapy and your wife is involved and you are working through issues. Your wife's feelings about not wanting you to transition full-time I think is because she feels that she is losing her husband, another reason she has some issues with your laser treatment. You say that you've already made this decision to start hormone therapy and that will eventually lead to other issues to your wife that you will both have to deal with. So I believe you really need to start talking to her more about the affects of hormones and how you & your relationship with your wife will change. Sex wont ever be the same and neither will your role as a parent because you will be a second mother to your daughter. Biologically you are her father, but in your role you wont ever been seen as her father by your daughter and her peers when she reaches school age. So your wife will have to also do her own transitioning as well, - sexually, as a parent & socially with family & friends. You need to be prepared that there are quite a few things that she might not accept - including the lesbian aspect of your relationship.

I wish you luck and hope that everything work out for you.

i have to agree with everything written in here. i also think it's great that your wife is on board with you and trying to accept but if she's not really keen on your living full time as a woman and not prepared for the emotional trauma this may cause her as a cis/straight woman, please focus on this and definitely keep talking to her about the changes. she's either going to be ok with being your lesbian wife socially or not. it's unrealistic to keep on seeing yourself as a father figure if you no longer feel like a man and indeed are making steps to becoming a woman physically/emotionally and mentally.

i also have to add as a parent and one who has formerly given birth to children - she simply may not have the emotional energy to deal with something this serious right now. i hope it works out for you both, but she is going to need some help. having a baby is just as stressful as dealing with a transition.

[KateConnors]

Greetings from New Orleans (on a business trip). Thanks for the replies, your comments hit home.

My wife's already told me that sexually she's dead because of lack of action in the bedroom. I've always found heterosexual sex very difficult because of the amount of mental projection required. My wife has said she may not be interested in sex with me if I have a feminized body. I did point out to her that if I am much happier with who I am then this could have a positive effect on our sexual relations, though I did tell her it would be different than now. She did agree that this is possible, but we'll have to see. My hope, perhaps an unrealistic one, is that my wife will see how much happier I am and the hormones / some degree of transition will be extremely positive for our relationship.

My wife certainly has her sad days, but can also be extremely supportive as well. She's embraced my chosen name for our daughter to call me (Maddy), partly I think because she thinks I'm mad :) Initially, she was happy with me being transgendered as long as I didn't do anything about it, e.g., take hormones etc., but is now accepting of this. While SRS is an end dream, I'm trying to be realistic and I don't want to push us/her to breaking point. I understand that a lot of trans-women do find peace in hormones, and I hope that I can to.

What makes things especially difficult is trying to find the time to talk to each other. Mon-Fri we're completely wiped out with work and getting our daughter ready for daycare etc., so that after 9pm when we've put her down neither of us is in a fit state to talk. The weekends feel so precious at the moment, just the three of us hanging out together that I feel I don't want to ruin it. Anyways, we are talking, on and off all the time. She really does seem fine with the hormones now, and so I feel comfortable making this step forward.

Thanks for your ears (or should that be eyes....)

[KateConnors]

Hi all,

Ok, so I thought things were going really well:

1.) Had first laser appointment last week. It's going to take many more, but I can see definite reduction in hair density. Damn those white hairs :devil:

2.) My therapist fully supports me going on hormones. She said she has no doubt this is the correct path I should go down (this was after I said I made the decision to go down this route - she wasn't putting words into my mouth).

3.) I found a new PCP who is trans herself, and is happy prescribe hormones.

So I'm about to make my first appointment with my PCP, in order to obtain those "pink pills", but....it makes me desperately sad about what effect this will have on my relationship with my wife. We had a long conversation last week, and while she's not going to leave me if I do start hormones, she's really unhappy at the thought of me doing so. We're both 32 years old with a 10 month old baby. We want to have a another child, and freezing is an option that's "ok" with my wife, though she would prefer au natural. When I'm not feeling down, I am extremely optimistic that this is best thing I can do, and the positive effect it will have on me will be reflected in our evolving relationship. When I'm low, I get upset by never making love to my wife again: straight sex never has done it for me, but the closeness after sex is bliss; she's made it clear that she doesn't want to make love to a trans-woman.

I feel like I'm on verge of crying 24/7 at the moment, and by then end of the working day I'm well past the verge.

[Kiera79]

Hi Kate,

I too am going through a little debacle right now. I have been on the dressing faze for almost a full year now, and I too have (actually started taking HRT) on day 4 today. I don't feel any change as of yet(my libido has skyrocketed for some reason). Me and the fiance' seem as though we are physically dead and I don't understand it. I love to be with her and everything I'm fully functional and ready so maybe I will still be able to perform.(:battingeyelashes:) I know how I feel inside and that is woman, but at the same time I too have children (3) ages 10(GG), 6(GM),
and 4(GM) so I am wondering how it will go. They have seen me dressed and love me either way so that is a blessing in itself. I am wondering where this road will lead fore only time will tell. Just communicate everyday with your wife and go from there.

[Sejd]

I wonder if you have ever thought of making some kind of compromise with your wife. Like figuring out how much you need to be femme to function with some happiness. Could you be happy being femme some of the time, and guy other times? Seems to me like your marriage is falling apart from what you write. And why are you two thinking of more kids in this uncertain situation? I don't get that part. Everyone of course are different and we all respect that. A marriage completely without sex is not going to hold up for long because she is clearly not getting her needs met and neither are you. From what you write I would seek couples counseling rather than the trans friendly therapist you are seeing right now. Or maybe it all comes down to what you want to do. Somehow your information tells me that you kind of want it all, and I don't think that is going to happen.
Anyway you are going to handle this one, I wish you luck and hope you will go forth with a lot of patience for the ones you love.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Kate, its good to hear from you again even though the news isn't good because its easy to see that you are at a crisis point & need some help.

Kiera & Sejd both make some very good points but I can't say I agree with everything they have had to say because some suggestions could
cause a lot more confusion & problems for you, and have very bad consequences if you don't choose the right way of dealing with these issues.

Kiera admits that she is only into Day 4 of taking hormones and is also claiming that her libido has sky-rocketed.
But trust me, this surge she is experiencing will be very short lived as your testosterone levels start to diminish
and I believe that she will only kidding herself to believe that she will remain 'fully functional' with her male bits.

Sorry Kiera, I don't mean to sound like I am taking a shot at you because that isn't how this intended, but you have
to accept the hard cold reality of what will happen to your libido after you've been on hormone therapy for sometime.

I don't think the advice offered my Sejd is very sound advice either because I don't think she is understanding how convicted you really
are. What I'm getting at here is I don't see how you can be femme just part of the time with the course that you have already chosen.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I understand that Seld is in a relationship that also has problems, so for this reason I don't think what
she is suggesting is the right thing for you. I do agree with Sejd regarding a marriage without sex & how it will impact on you & your wife & this
does need to be addressed, but I don't believe a regular marriage counsellor who normally counsels heterosexual couples will consider your
best interests as a transgendered person who is in a relationship and my fears are that such a counsellor could do a lot more harm than good
to your relationship with your wife. I would stick to working with a pyschologist who specialises in gender issues because they have a total
understanding of all the dynamics that are involved in your type of relationship.

From what I understand about you after following your posts - you do suffer from pretty severe gender identity crisis and I don't believe that
doing things by halves is the best approach for you. You seem determined to go all the way and don't seem like you would be happy just being
a cross-dresser - I get this feeling about you from the fact that you've already thought & talked to your wife about freezing sperm.

So my advice is this... keep following your heart & staying true to yourself no matter what happens, because if you don't and start making too
many compromises here then I believe this will eat away and destroy you from the inside out. If your wife truly loves you, then she also needs to
take time to understand how this will affect you if you don't do what is right for you. If this relationship is not meant to be, then its not meant to be.

I would get your wife to go see your therapist with you and start to talk about these issues & stay away from conventional marriage counsellors
who are use to helping a man & a woman work out their issues, rather than 'two women' who are in such a deeply committed relationship.

[Kiera79]

@ Melody,

I know it isn't going to last this way. I know just from research if I choose to stop HRT I can do so with little adverse affects. I may be sterile(good) as I have my kids and do not want anymore, but as the estrogen goes away t takes back over and function restored. I DO NOT want to fully transition at all. I just want to feminize my body, move some stuff around a bit and see what it is to feel the emotional state as a woman feels it every day. PM me if you want to continue this conversation.

[Sejd]

I agree with MelodyN that giving advice at best is sketchy on any forum because we don't know a lot of the facts which plays into peoples lives. I guess, I fell for the temptation. The benefits of the TG Forum is that we have a place where someone listens to our stories and we don't feel completely alone in our situation. And yes, MelodyN, I think that any relationship with the TG issue would be problematic at best LOL. However, it is sometimes possible depending on the teamwork one is able to do with the partner. My own experience, and you made me think of this, is that in my first two years of coming out, I was indeed very self centered, and received an amazing amount of support, so much that I got the idea that everything was about me!!!
Now I am 4 th year out and I have learned some humbling lessons and have had to come to terms with some choices I had to make. For me it boiled down to either complete self realization as in complete transitioning, or keeping my marriage and compromise on some issues. since I have been married for over 30 years and love my partner, I chose to keep my marriage. Other people may choose differently because of other reasons as good as mine. We all make choices, hopefully with integrity and love.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kate, first off...I HEAR YOU! what you are doing is very stressful on every part of your life...and on your relationship partners too..

one fact i'd like to share is that over the years, I have found out that our expectations can be our worst enemy,
and as people transition fully they almost always say it wasnt anything like what they thought... things you think now, things you worry about now will end up being in the rear view mirror..this is good and bad

the good is that these things that are making you so stressed and sad will get resolved...and if you and your wife are kind and loving towards each other, then they will resolve in the best possible way...the bad is that i can pretty much guarantee it won't be resolved in any way that you (or your SO) can imagine right now...it's only going to hurt you (and her) to try to think that far ahead..

a good example of this concept is my libido...my apparently unkillable libido... i have been on HRT for many years, I have a had bottom surgery...i love to orgasm...i still have a very strong sexual desire almost every day... this is was totally completely unexpected to me, and i know other girls that are like this too...

I used to worry incessantly about my ability to have sex after i started hrt... i had no problem at all getting erections while i had the equiptment...i wasnt nearly as powerful and not nearly as much ejaculate...but i continued to be a good lover..
i was soooo worried about this....it was not a problem at all...i spent years on HRT before getting SRS...and i had no sexual issues...i have friends who enjoyed sex more!!
and then the next surprise came...i lost my desire to have sex with women totally and started to accept my heterosexuality as a woman... this got my libido even more in high gear, and was very frustrating....

i can't imagine how upsetting this scenario would have been to my wife (and to me) if i had "promised" or "compromised" my transition..Kate I am telling you that NO MATTER what you say now, it may be very different after a year or two on HRT, and you need to be incredibly careful with promises around sexuality with your wife...
(btw...i admit bias here...i was not given the choice to compromise, i was dumped...i bet i would have said anything to keep my marriage..and now i know i would have had to reneg on my promises or be miserable)...

i'm not saying i'm representative of anything except the variability and unpredictability of transition, and the impossibility of making promises in relationships during transition..

the best thing you and your wife can do is try to be honest and loving towards each other no matter what happens...the problem with the honesty part is that you don't want to hurt her, you don't want to lose her...and so it's on you to keep her informed in an honest way about your thoughts and your progress..

..i found this period in my life to be the saddest and most challenging time i ever experienced, and i felt i would not wish the experience on my worst enemy...however, i am here today saying it turned out NOTHING like i thought..and it's hard for me to even think back about what i so worried about...
my ex wife would say the same thing...she spent years in an emotional wasteland dealing with her anger and her guilt over her changing feelings towards me...throw a new child into the mix and i am sure you and your wife are being challenged daily...

don't get caught up in blending day to day ups and downs which are ALL manageable with the serious task of managing the long term plan you have (which is to stop the misery of your gender identity crisis)

it's like the value of your house...it goes up and down everyday, but you don't focus on it every day...you just have a general feeling of going in the right or wrong direction...in your transition you have this same general feeling..if you start feeling its going in the wrong direction...then its time to consider making a change to what you are doing..

[Melody Moore]

I DO NOT want to fully transition at all. I just want to feminize my body, move some stuff around a bit and see what it is to feel the emotional state as a woman feels it every day.

This is exactly where I differ strongly in my opinion - I think its a very dangerous game to play by taking hormones if you don't intend to fully transition.

Here in Australia if you made that statement that to a gender specialist your hormones would be stopped
immediately because it doesn't conform to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders.

[KateConnors]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

To answer Sejd, we both want to have more children and we love each other, therefore having more children together is logical. While this may further complicate issues down the road, and our love for each may not be enough to see us through this, we both are aware of the implications.

I just called the PCP's office to schedule my first appointment with her. The first opening the lady at front desk had was February :devil:. After coming out to her, telling her I wanted to start hormones soon, and that I had emailed the Dr. asking if she would accept me as a new patient she squeezed me in the first week of Jan. First time I've come out to a stranger on the phone, but it was no big deal. She didn't seem to care either, she was more interested in my accent (I'm Scottish living in Boston, MA). Feeling so much better now I've made my appointment :)

In retrospect this month wait may be a good thing. It gives plenty of time for more conversation between my wife and myself, and will give me ample time to do the sperm banking.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

its worth knowing the standards of care but they are just words on a piece of paper..they help doctors liability insurance as much as they help us.

Melody although your statement about danger is 100% accurate, we are all in such wildly different circumstances and have so many pent up issues in our minds that its essential to focus on improving your own quality of your own life by knocking out those issues one by one and by dealing with your personal circumstances in a positive way..

Kate's problems and Kiera's problem's are unique to them...what's important is that girls know the risks and that they make good decisions...those of us that transition have alot to share.. that's why these forums are important and i don't think just ignoring hormones because you don't want to fully transition is going to work for every person..

who the heck cares what the therapists in australia say..they don't run my life (or yours)...your information regarding standards of care is very valid..but the conclusion you draw is simplistic and wrong...i know MANY (specifically 4 that i can think of) girls on HRT with no intention of transition and they are all doing quite well, the girls i know are doing it under a doctors care, and not just ordering hormones off the internet.....transition is risky in so many ways...jumping in with both feet is one good way to transition but not the only way..one thing that i would add is that some girls that started HRT HAD no intention of transitioning but after time on HRT, transition becomes more central to their thinking....

that's why the best way to think of things is to get all the info, think about it, take your time , take some chances, think about what you want out of life... go outside dressed, get read, make the kinds of calls Kate made, tell some trusted love ones and see how you feel (Kate you are doing so well...i think you are doing everything right...you have time to figure this all out!!!) having that feeling around just one phone call is a big deal..its a great data point for you...i know I felt soooooo good about telling people..this helped me get more comfortable and made me realize how much i got out of sharing my "identity" with others....try HRT and see how you feel, but take care of your other business first...it just makes so much sense..start when you are ready..if you can knock out one doubt in your mind prior to starting HRT, why no do it...its just nonsense to think you can't go back and get off HRT...you just need to know the risks..

Kate...your comment about kids makes a ton of sense..look up the story of Dr McGinn in Philadelphia...she was in the navy and froze her sperm way before she met her wife...she always wanted kids...and kept the option open by freezing sperm prior to HRT...she now has beautiful twins with her partner..

[sandra-leigh]

Here in Australia if you made that statement that to a gender specialist your hormones would be stopped
immediately because it doesn't conform to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders.

Melody, the statements do appear to me to conform with the 6th Edition standards of care (Feb 2001), http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf

See for example the "Natural History" portion of section II.


Where I live, there are no standards of care officially in place, and it turns out that in theory any medical doctor can prescribe hormones. There is a local clinic with a transgender care unit that does its own screening, with on-site blood testing, and I can get a prescription just by satisfying them. I have already gone through the initial interview with them, and my first meeting with the doctor and my baseline bloodwork is tomorrow.


I did not know that it could be that simple at the time I made the decision that I wanted to check out HRT as a serious possibility for me. Before the time of that decision, I went to a gender therapist for most of a year; at the time I asked for an appointment, I fully expected it would take a fair while to get an appointment and several visits over a number of months to get formal agreement and probably more months of delays after that. I put in for appointment anyhow because one has to "get in line" at some point. My gender therapist has stated quite clearly that she would have absolutely no problem with writing a formal letter of recommendation for me, and that she recommends that I try HRT. It turns out I won't need that letter from her: if I had needed one, she would already have prepared one for me. And yes, I have made it clear to her that I do not identify as TS, that I identify as being "somewhere inbetween".

[Kiera79]

@bzychick

I totally agree. I can lay down with my SO and rub, kiss, talk, massage and whatever else comes to mind and still have a total body orgasm and love it and we never have penetration. I love my baby and she knows this.

@ Kaitlyn

I thank you for understanding my situation, I love my male bits and do not want to take them away. Reguardless how I feel inside as a woman i was born with these parts and can hide, tuck or whatever very well. I look and present to me very well so we will see how this goes..

@ melody

I am seeing a therapist, my personal journey is exactly that my person journey. As long as my family supports me and I have wonderful friends that accept me for me to hxxx wit what negative comments come my way. I have read the dangers and risks that come with hrt and I feel I am in good enough health to do so. If I feel anything out of the ordinary common sense is to STOP and that is exactly what I will do.

Tootles.

[Melody Moore]

Melody, the statements do appear to me to conform with the 6th Edition standards of care (Feb 2001), http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf

Where I live, there are no standards of care officially in place, and it turns out that in theory any medical doctor can prescribe hormones.

My gender therapist has stated quite clearly that she would have absolutely no problem with writing a formal letter of recommendation for me, and that she recommends that I try HRT. It turns out I won't need that letter from her: if I had needed one, she would already have prepared one for me. And yes, I have made it clear to her that I do not identify as TS, that I identify as being "somewhere in between".

And its because of policies like this that bent the rules was the reason why the Monash Gender Clinic here in Australia was shut down after a couple of people were misdiagnosed and are now suing the clinic, now transsexuals like me have to suffer because the Monash Gender Clinic was the only place here we could get SRS. Now I have to try & come up with $20,000 to go to Thailand for my surgery.

Also I doubt that any doctor anywhere (especially in Australia) will prescribe hormones without reports from other specialist, if they did and something was to go wrong, then responsibility & possible litigation would most certainly fall upon them for failures under their 'duty of care'. I also know for a fact that here in Australia that anyone who is not sure about transitioning are put on anti-androgens as a test to see how they will feel with such issues as loss of libido etc. before going on Oestrogen.

I am NOT saying don't try to find out what is right for you, but don't go experimenting blindly with hormones, do it under the control of a proper clinical environment that offers all the proper support - pyschologist & endocrinologist etc. I get the distinct feeling that many people here offering advice are self-medicating without this type of support and that just sounds plain crazy to me. And I most certainly wouldn't be taking their ill-informed & unprofessional advice.

[sandra-leigh]

And its because of policies like this that bent the rules was the reason why the Monash Gender Clinic here in Australia was shut down after a couple of people were misdiagnosed and are now suing the clinic, now transsexuals like me have to suffer because the Monash Gender Clinic was the only place here we could get SRS. Now I have to try & come up with $20,000 to go to Thailand for my surgery.

I do not accept responsibility for the actions of the Australian government, and I am not prepared to give up my access in the hopes that "if only REAL TS's get HRT for a while, maybe they'll relax the criteria in Australia!" If the Monash clinic was still open, would you refuse to use it until transsexualism ceased to be a crime in all parts of the world? I don't think either of us is Buddha, refusing to enter Nirvana until everyone else has gone before.

I have done my part. I went through at least 3 times as much therapy as is necessary before diagnosis in USA. My therapy was with a Clinical Psychologist with a PhD -- the more authoratiative of the two classes of persons that the Benjamin standards of care require for the "two letters" required for SRS, and more than enough for the single letter the SoC require for HRT. My therapist did not merely say that she would "consider" writing me a letter, she said she would definitely write me a letter at the time it was needed. As far as she knew, the required paperwork involved a letter and a 2 hour psychological test to confirm that I was mentally competent -- a point she had absolutely no doubt about. (I asked the clinic; they said that Yes, those things would be needed, but only for major surgery such as a voluntary orchi or SRS.) I've also had more than 4 years now of RLE of androgyony.

I laid all of the foundation in accordance with the best practices, and now that it turns out that I did not offically need to do all of those things, I'm not going to turn down taking action on the basis that someone else really not suitable might find a way to abuse the system. And if I had known a years ago that HRT didn't require letters and what-not, I would not have done anything differently: when I entered therapy, I had no intention of starting HRT, just an intention of trying to understand myself better and learn to live with my circumstances; that and a "nagging feeling" that some day I wouldn't be able to resist "seeing what it's like".) That "some day" time-frame was like, "oh, I don't know.. a decade, maybe after I retire": I was afraid of HRT while still knowing myself well enough to suspect my needs were going to continue to escalate until I was desparate for HRT. Things didn't turn out that way: instead I lost most of my fear of HRT and am approaching it calmly under controlled conditions without feeling that my life will fall apart if I have a bad reaction to it.


What I described are how this provincial government has chosen to handle TG and TS. They have been pressured to put in formal standards of care, and they have declined to do so. They have also (as of mid 2009) "delisted" SRS for funding from the medical system, so my provincial health insurance will not pay for it. There is a clinic in Montreal Canada that does SRS; I have seen indications that there may be a clinic in British Columbia Canada, but I am unable to confirm that at the moment. Some provinces to still fund various aspects of SRS (e.g., orchi), but some (such as Manitoba and Alberta) do not fund anything beyond hormones, and that mostly because the same drugs have other uses ("fund" in this case does not mean free, just that province-wide rates have been negotiated with the manufacturers rather than having to pay free-market US rates.)



I am NOT saying don't try to find out what is right for you, but don't go experimenting blindly with hormones, do it under the control of a proper clinical environment that offers all the proper support - pyschologist & endocrinologist etc. I get the distinct feeling that many people here offering advice are self-medicating without this type of support and that just sounds plain crazy to me.

I'm taking it slowly, consulting the authorities and reflecting upon the risks, my options and the probable consequences, exploring feelings and scenarios with my (two) therapists.

[Melody Moore]

I do not accept responsibility for the actions of the Australian government.
First of all it has nothing at all to do with the Australian Government and that's OK you feel that way,
because unlike you I do seriously care about ALL my TG/TS brothers & sisters around the world. ;):huggles

[Kathryn Martin]

Sandra Leigh: Most Canadian Provinces do not have SoC related to this. However, most gender clinics or therapists conform to WPATH standards. BC has clear standards of care and is an amazing resource when dealing with your family physician etc. While the letter from your therapist may not be required in the strictest sense of the word, I do not believe that any MD would prescribe hormones without assurance that the decisions made to transition are made by someone who can make them. My MD would not have done so without me showing up with this letter. I think your approach to this is very responsible

Melody: I am not sure what you mean when you say "policies that bend the rules"? Ultimately, the decision to prescribe hormones is a clinical decision by an attending physician. It is her responsibility to ensure the treatment recommendations do not harm the patient outside of acceptable risks. That is why most physicians require a letter from a clinical psychologist, not to diagnose the person, but to ensure the request is made with a sound mind, and the person is capable to make such a request. I am not sure I understand how the lawsuit for an alleged misdiagnosis can be the reason for a shut down? Who shut this down? Weren't they insured like all clinics and physicians should be? Or did they have their license revoked because they violated proper clinical protocol. If they did, who would want to have surgery there?

And finally, caring for someone is quite a different thing than accepting responsibilities for government activities half a world away. What does one have to do with the other? Or was this just a gratuitous sideswipe because you didn't like what Sandra Leigh said?

[prene]

Great story,
I know it is not a story it is your life.
I feel the same as you although I have no kids or SO.

I have held back because of my urge to procreate also.

My therapist is supportive of me taking hormones only after I live 100% for 3-6 months.
ARG....

Sorry I am just venting
I am consumed with dressing and have been seeing a

[Jorja]

First and formost, you must understand that the SoC (Standards of Care) and WPATH are GUIDES not the LAW on how transgendered people should be treated. The therapist treating you has complete authority and latitude to say when you are ready to start hormones or ready for SRS.
For example: MelodyN has been living full time as a woman for 8 months. She has had previous counseling with a gender therapist but not within the last year. After 1 visit to the current attending therapist she is OKed for hormone therapy and after 6 visits she is approved for SRS. Prene is making her first ever visit to the same therapist. She has never tried living full time as a woman and she has never been to any counseling. The therapist tells her she must visit for at least 6 months before they will recommend hormones. Is this within the SoC? No. Is it correct for the individual being assessed? Yes.
My point being, each and every case that comes up is different. Different circumstances, situations, and conditions. You must respect and fully understand each and every case. Also as I have said before, each country has different laws rules and hoops to jump through. So what is correct in the US or UK may not be correct in Canada or Australia or Asia.

[Melody Moore]

MelodyN has been living full time as a woman for 8 months. She has had previous counseling with a gender therapist but not within the last year. After 1 visit to the current attending therapist she is OKed for hormone therapy and after 6 visits she is approved for SRS.
Jorga, while I agree that the HB SoC are a guideline in some countries, they are policy in others. And that is the case here in Australia. I have been told after 6 visits that it is highly probable that I will be approved for Gender Reassignment Surgery after bit over 12 months of being on the books with my particular gender clinic because I have been completing my RLE & living full-time as a female since I started & changed my name within a few weeks of that as well and proving that I am adjusting very well in my gender role. Also my intersex condition also could play a huge part here. Other factors that also play a part in this determination for suitability for GRS is how well you cope with the social acceptance by family & friends and those that might reject you which could impact on you emotionally & affect your decision making abilities. Here in Australia, each case is different and these determinations are made on a case by case basis but within the standards set out in the HB SoC.