Hopeless

[Christine Abrams]

Allright, so... obviously I crossdress, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

The thing is, I waited 'till 27 to come out and had cultivated a very strongly male presentation. Occasionally someone would ask me if I'm gay (I am), and I would respond that no, I'm not.

As you can imagine, all those years of repression has left some considerable psychological scars. Add to this the fact that I waited 'till 30 to leave home, have spotty social skills, and you have recipe for disaster.

So anyway, I moved to Seattle for the holidays last year and long story short, I spent 6 months homeless, and now live in a neighborhood that I came into while living with one of the tent cities of the Puget Sound area.

So now I have: bad hair, nightmare brows, bad social skills, feelings of the opposite gender I never learned to process properly, a few female undergarments, and a trashy evening dress I got from a so-called "friend" that was schitzophrenic and turned on me like an analogy I can't think of right now..

To make matters worse, I've been rejected by the Seattle TG community; Very occasionally, when I can muster the self-esteem to do my hair and pluck my brows, get enough sleep the night before and generally have a decent outlook, at worst I'm treated with tolerance; at best I'll get some very welcome looks from some man that finds me attractive, but I'm frankly too scared to follow through with introductions.

So, there you have it... I feel completely hopeless. I had been active in a gender processing support group at SCS but have been rejected by no less than three very prominent members there. One went so far as to invite me over for a few drinks and a bull session about me possibly joining their band as a stand-in bassist, but didn't meet me when they said they would.. message recieved.

Now that I've rambled on for most of a page, I come to the reason for me posting: what the hell do I do, now? I'm waking up at 1:00 in the afternoon, playing my xbox all night and apparently just waiting to die... I guess I'm asking for help.

Thanks for your patience, whoever has read this.. sorry, I just needed to vent.

[kimdl93]

I don't know if we can offer help - perhaps some useful suggestions and always encouragement. The first thing I'd suggest is to assess where your whole life is, and start working on getting a better sense of self esteem. This isn't just deciding to be positive - its learning new ways of behaving that will over time make you feel better about who you are. Any chance that you might be able to get some professional counseling?

[Alberta_Pat]

Wow Christine! What a mess you have to clean up. But,you already know that. That is step one.

Have you given any thought to where you want to be in 5 years? Obviously, your body clock is turned around a bit, at least as to having a daytime job. Just about perfect for night or afternoon shift. Have you developed any specific work skills? Are you working? Are you taking anything that may interfere with your thought processes?

I am sure that there are some community resources that you can utilize in Seattle. One of our members here may be able to point you towards them.

Now to answer your question. What you do now is what YOU want to do. If it is to get out of this rut, you look for the resources that are available to you. If you wish to continue the downward spiral, then keep on keeping on. YOUR CHOICE.

Yes, I say it like it is, and if you don't like it.....well, TS

[Christine Abrams]

Alberta, you're no tougher on me than I am, myself; I appreciate your candor.

As for mind-altering substances, I'm a light-to-moderate drinker; no more than 4 drinks per day, though I do drink every single day; that might have a depressive effect.

As for work-related skills, I did work as a home health care provider for four years in Spokane, so there's applicable job skills. Job-wise, that's the only one I've ever been able to hold down.. so there's that, I guess.

As for where I want to be in five years, I have no expectations; the best I can hope for is to be able to accept myself as trans, which I was well on my way to before getting discouraged; having a partner would be nice... living in a place where I can have a cat would be pretty nice, too.

After posting here, I got the ball rolling on vocational rehabilitation.. not much, but it does seem to loosen the rust a little bit and at least makes me feel like I did something. just can't get too horribly discouraged..

[Alberta_Pat]

Bravo!!!!

You are taking responsibility for yourself! Way to go.

As a health care worker, you KNOW that alcohol is both a systemic and a neural depressant. Many prescribed drugs also affect how the brain functions. Learn the side effects of anything you may be taking.

Accept that you are trans? Not necessarily. Gay, as you indicated, or perhaps bi. There is a social stigma attached to that, but if you are accepting of yourself, you will deal with that.

Getting some life goals will help you to get underway. These goals may be flexible, but there needs to be something you feel you can reasonably attain to satisfy yourself. I am having these same discussions with my 36 year old son, with wife and two children. He is working, but seems to be unhappy with where he is. There are obstacles that keep popping up in his life that he needs to learn to deal with. I suspect that you are having similar issues.

One thing I would suggest is that you find another place to call home. You have many bad memories and triggers where you are. A new view out the front door may change your outlook.

I wish you much success on this new adventure. :)

[Karren H]

Wow is an understatement!!! I can't even fathom what you've been through... But I applaud your guts to come forward and tell your story... And please PM me with your address... I have plenty of fem things I think you could use... (Hair... Clothing and undergarments...) Depending on your size... Makeup and other things... If you would like them they are yours....

[Christine Abrams]

Karen, I truly appreciate the show of support; your post shows me that maybe I do have hope, after all.. and thanks again, Alberta, you've really helped to outline my priorities.. I'm so glad I chose to register here, I just hope I'm not flagged as a loser now.

[Alberta_Pat]

I'm so glad I chose to register here, I just hope I'm not flagged as a loser now.


Hell no. You show that you want to get out of the rut. Do keep us up to date with this adventure. :)

[Danni Bear]

Christine,

You are not a loser. Many here and elsewhere have gone through what you are going through. This site and the members on it help and try to comfort each other through the hard times and celebrate with each other the triumphs and sucesses.

Danni