danielleb
11-12-2010, 05:48 PM
I've been reading the boards here for a couple weeks now, and am pushing hard against myself for acceptance, and am preparing to push against the world around me. From everything I've read here, I was amazed to find so many that suffered so much, as I have. It gives me hope that there may be a future out there I can build for myself. Not only that, I hope that through the words of all of us, maybe we can help shape generations to come. If this board was around when I was in my teens or twenties, I'm certain my life would be different than it is now.
Anyway, taking all the acceptance I have started building for myself, I find I have lost any type of excitement I previously felt over "getting away with something," or a new experience, which I craved like a drug (which I had been wrestling with for a long time), and felt the warmth of moving into a much more level state.
If you managed to read through all the garbage I spouted here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143264-So-this-is-my-story....), then you can understand that good days are rare for me as of late, and even a moment of happiness has eluded me for the past three years.
I went out shopping A couple days ago, taking advantage of the last couple of days of reasonable weather, trying to build some foundation of a wardrobe so I can go out full time. Given my current state, I've been relegated to the clearance racks, and don't usualy find too much that I connect with.
It seems my luck may be changing, I managed to snag a belt that goes with my favorite pair of heels and a workout top on the first day, and I picked up my first pair of skinny leg pants and a pair of heavily discounted shorts ($100-10), among a couple of basic T's and tanks.
But the victory is greater than just the things for me. I tried on a bunch of clothes, which I would have never done before. I always felt shame over buying womens clothes, and I would never impose myself on anyone else, so I didn't want to subject anyone else to even seeing me carry clothes into the dressing rooms.(As an added bonus, I tried on a couple size 6 pants that were too big for me!)
Now I carried the aditude that, "this is who I am, and it's who I deserve to be." Not in a defiant manor (as I would have before), but with acceptance, and that simple change made me finally feel that maybe I can belong.
It was still hard for me to have to look in the mirror and see myself as a male cd'ing. When I look in the mirror as a male, I haven't seen my face in a long time, and find nothing to like about who or what I see. I kind of had to force myself to buy the workout top because it's a crop top, and as a male I would never even take off my shirt around anyone. But once I got home and got to dress I felt much better about myself and the top.
I may fail at "passing" as a woman (and I've still got a ways to go before trying), but I work hard just to retian what little beauty I find in myslef, and I don't want to stay afraid of portraying that to the world. Not just the work, but the fact that I can find beauty within myself. That simple idea is one that I think I have been doing the exact opposite of for a long time.
I ususally feel guilty after every dollar I spend, knowing that I have no income, and feeling like I was only feeding a disgusting drug habit. Now, I feel that I'm building twoards something, for the first time in a long time, and am willing to completely commit myself to it, for better or worse. (If history has taught me anything, it will be worse, but you gotta ride the ride)
I'm still a bit manic, and a couple months of winter may crush everything for me, but for now, I got a couple days of light into my dark little life, and wanted to thank you all.
Anyway, taking all the acceptance I have started building for myself, I find I have lost any type of excitement I previously felt over "getting away with something," or a new experience, which I craved like a drug (which I had been wrestling with for a long time), and felt the warmth of moving into a much more level state.
If you managed to read through all the garbage I spouted here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143264-So-this-is-my-story....), then you can understand that good days are rare for me as of late, and even a moment of happiness has eluded me for the past three years.
I went out shopping A couple days ago, taking advantage of the last couple of days of reasonable weather, trying to build some foundation of a wardrobe so I can go out full time. Given my current state, I've been relegated to the clearance racks, and don't usualy find too much that I connect with.
It seems my luck may be changing, I managed to snag a belt that goes with my favorite pair of heels and a workout top on the first day, and I picked up my first pair of skinny leg pants and a pair of heavily discounted shorts ($100-10), among a couple of basic T's and tanks.
But the victory is greater than just the things for me. I tried on a bunch of clothes, which I would have never done before. I always felt shame over buying womens clothes, and I would never impose myself on anyone else, so I didn't want to subject anyone else to even seeing me carry clothes into the dressing rooms.(As an added bonus, I tried on a couple size 6 pants that were too big for me!)
Now I carried the aditude that, "this is who I am, and it's who I deserve to be." Not in a defiant manor (as I would have before), but with acceptance, and that simple change made me finally feel that maybe I can belong.
It was still hard for me to have to look in the mirror and see myself as a male cd'ing. When I look in the mirror as a male, I haven't seen my face in a long time, and find nothing to like about who or what I see. I kind of had to force myself to buy the workout top because it's a crop top, and as a male I would never even take off my shirt around anyone. But once I got home and got to dress I felt much better about myself and the top.
I may fail at "passing" as a woman (and I've still got a ways to go before trying), but I work hard just to retian what little beauty I find in myslef, and I don't want to stay afraid of portraying that to the world. Not just the work, but the fact that I can find beauty within myself. That simple idea is one that I think I have been doing the exact opposite of for a long time.
I ususally feel guilty after every dollar I spend, knowing that I have no income, and feeling like I was only feeding a disgusting drug habit. Now, I feel that I'm building twoards something, for the first time in a long time, and am willing to completely commit myself to it, for better or worse. (If history has taught me anything, it will be worse, but you gotta ride the ride)
I'm still a bit manic, and a couple months of winter may crush everything for me, but for now, I got a couple days of light into my dark little life, and wanted to thank you all.