I didn't see this coming

[Sarah Doepner]

I returned home from a support group meeting this evening, still dressed en femme and found my wife still up and watching TV. We chatted a little bit about her evening and what she had been watching on TV (Utah Jazz - Her team) and a little about my meeting. Eventually she began telling me she wanted to find a particular web page to share with our adult children when I tell them about my crossdressing. I have not mentioned this as an option to her and was wondering how we would deal with that situation.

Now I have to start thinking about how I'll deal with it and, of course, what to wear when they get to meet Sarah. I don't know if it will be soon, but it shocked me that she brought it up without my prompting. What to do? I think I need to lose some more weight, and get some new eyeshadow and blush. Maybe some new brushes would help.

[Christy_M]

That is certainly a big step. It sounds like a great opportunity to include more of your loved ones in your life. You might want to moderate how to see you en femme. I have heard many people say that their children are accepting but would rather not see it. You have to weigh those comments against your own situation. I certainkly wish you luck and much joy in letting your children into this part of your life.

As far as sites, this one certainly has a lot of diversity of opinions. If there is a specific message you want them to receive, maybe there are more controlled sites that deal with information distribution only and no public inputs into the data available. As I am sure you are aware, there are plenty out there if you Bing it.

[Helen_Highwater]

My instinct would be to tell them, give it time to sink in, perhaps then show them some photos of yourself and at each stage gauge the reaction. Appearing dressed and presenting them with a fait accompli that then provokes a hostile reaction means you've gone somewhere from which there may be no return. Knowing and actually seeing are along way apart. Perhaps as your wife is so understanding it would be better coming from her to show that it's not such a big deal? As often said in these threads, little steps.

[LeannL]

Now I have to start thinking about how I'll deal with it and, of course, what to wear when they get to meet Sarah. I don't know if it will be soon, but it shocked me that she brought it up without my prompting. What to do? I think I need to lose some more weight, and get some new eyeshadow and blush. Maybe some new brushes would help.

Sarah,

While we all want to look our best when we are dressed, I wouldn't worry about a few pounds nor if your blush is OK. None of us will ever look like the women we might want to be so do what you can but don't fret over it. More importantly, think about who you want your children to meet and get to know. The important thing is who you are and not what you look like.

Good luck.

Leann

[PretzelGirl]

That is good news Sarah. It sounds as it is the start of a discussion and not a "let's do it" and it happens. While it will cause some anxiety, and what doesn't with us, it will allow time to work through it and make sure that you and your wife are completely comfortable with the path chosen.

If I was to approach it with time on my side, I would just start reviewing the possibilities and then thin the herd down to one reference (web site, book, pamphlet, whatever). One thing I learned when telling is that I would tend to try and give too much information at the start to try and answer a lot of the possible questions right away. It can become information overload as I was throwing stuff at them while they were still processing initial thoughts. So make your words and your reference highlight who Sarah is. Address the things that you might think could be sitting on someone's mind negatively and leave the rest for them to ask. So, you could address that you don't want to transition, if that is true, and you think one of the kids may have that on the back of their mind and stewing on it.

I guess the key is telling them enough information at first to be sure they are engaged and let them guide the discussion from there.

If you need new clothes or brushes, then this is a good a reason as any! :heehee:

[Frédérique]

Eventually she began telling me she wanted to find a particular web page to share with our adult children when I tell them about my crossdressing. I have not mentioned this as an option to her and was wondering how we would deal with that situation. Now I have to start thinking about how I'll deal with it and, of course, what to wear when they get to meet Sarah. I don't know if it will be soon, but it shocked me that she brought it up without my prompting.

Are you displeased that she would take such a step without your approval? You seem fairly flexible on this issue, which is revealing and commendable at the same time. Personally, I think you would be a better source of information than any web page, since any long-standing member on this site is better qualified to explain the inexplicable nature of crossdressing. But, why “come out” now? Why not keep things secretive until they absolutely MUST be revealed? I would discuss the issue with your SO a little further – do you wish to reveal yourself at this time, in this way?

When the time comes, as I’m sure it will, you should wear your favorite outfit and announce, “You haven’t met ME, have you?” Be your charming, feminine self, and good things are bound to happen…
:)

[Sarah Doepner]

Maybe I'm being unrealistic and a Pollyanna about this, but I'm not concerned that she will share this without talking to me a lot more first or there will be a major negative impact when we do. I believe we raised our children right and instilled in them appreciation and respect for diversity such as this. And there is no big rush to do this so it will be done only when both of us are ready. She is, above all else, very concerned with family and very much wants to minimize the impact of anything that could have a negative outcome. That she said anything about this tells me she has put a lot of thought into it already and has recognized how much a part of my life either touches or reflects my crossdressing. The site she first saw was very focused on providing support for the S.O. and the family of the crossdresser. In her mind it also suggested that a lot of personality characteristics she found attractive in me, could be aspects of my feminine self as well. She must have confidence that message will resonate with our family as well.

When her health has permitted she has gone with me to dinner or support group meetings while I've been in Sarah mode and seen how much it means to me. She also sees how I sometimes have to place my CDing aside for her and our family, and maybe regrets some of that. I need to let her know that I'm okay with putting my interests aside for the family, because I am okay with it. We also have to make sure that our kids understand they will become the gatekeepers of this information and when, if ever, it is discovered or shared with their children. That is a decision they need control over, not me. This is something we will work on together and someday we will sit down with one or more of our grown kids and tell them about my journey of self-discovery and this particular twist in the path. With discussion and a computer full of wonderful resources (including all of you) we are pretty confident that three of the four will take this news well, the fourth may just have to wait to learn about it until the rest of us think he's ready, if ever. They were pretty inquisitive young people when they still lived at home. It may even be they already know and have been keeping that knowledge from us out of respect.

It will be okay, at least that's what I'm telling myself now.

[AKAMichelle]

Why all the worrying about your makeup? You are still going to be dad to them. Although a bit stranger looking dad. I would worry more about what to say.

Having told my 3 kids it is tough to do. Mine worked out ok, but every situation is different. So my emphasis would be on what to say.