Sexuality

[Byanca]

My therapist told me some months ago that I should think more about my sexuality.

I find guys attractive sexually. And for fixing stuff. And making me feel a woman.

But when there is time for intercourse. I bail. I'm really not feeling it. Practically redress and run out the door. I've done it lot's of times lately.

I've only had random guys pick me up while I have been out on the streets. So the emotional connection with trust and security have been missing. I had one man make love to me. But that's it. I was very drunk. And it was over almost before it started. So the physical aspect didn't bother me to much.

I thought I was quite secure in my preference for men. But now suspect it's a pink fog. And have become insecure.

And thoughts?

[Hope]

I've only had random guys pick me up while I have been out on the streets.

Any thoughts?

I think that your sexuality is your own, and you should embrace and enjoy whatever that sexuality is without guilt or shame. I think that you are the only one who can decide, or even gets a vote in what that sexuality is. I think you should explore that part of your personality and do it without guilt or remorse.

If you want to play with guys - great. If you like girls - wonderful. If you like both - even better.

I also think that getting picked up by random guys on the street is an absolutely idiotic behavior, and guaranteed to end in disaster. And from a purely selfish perspective, I think it feeds an already well-fed stereotype about trans folks - and I would appreciate it if you knocked it off.

[Faith_G]

So the emotional connection with trust and security have been missing. I think you nailed it right there.

Even though a lot of people treat sex as a casual thing, that's not a healthy attitude. For both medical and emotional reasons, sex ought to be part of a relationship rather than an isolated event.

[Melody Moore]

I've only had random guys pick me up while I have been out on the streets. So the emotional connection with trust and security have been missing. I had one man make love to me. But that's it. I was very drunk.
I have to agree with both Hope & Faith here, what you are doing by allowing yourself to be picked up from the street for a casual encounter is very unhealthy and extremely dangerous for you most of all - especially if you were very drunk. So far you might have been lucky to get away with it, but a time will come where someone really bad comes along and something while happen that you really regret. Iver read lots of statistics that support the belief that transsexual females are amongst the most abused of women right around the world - I good transsexual friend of mine was gang raped very violently by 4 guys and will carry the emotional scars for a long time to come.

The other thing I dont think you are considering here is the emotional implications of allowing yourself to be used & abused by men for quick sex. Personally I would feel cheap & worthless if I allowed myself to be used by men like a piece of meat. This is the sort of behaviour that can also seriously affect your self-esteem more than it already is and leave you feeling very insecure because it is complete devoid of an emotional connection with trust and security.

[Stephenie S]

OMG!!!

Do I SO agree with Faith, Hope, and Melody.

Getting "picked up" on the streets is about the most dangerous thing you can do, sexually. And what, pray tell, do you imagine that these guys have on their mind? Yup. You got it. Just one thing. Sex. And what, pray tell, do you imagine these guys might do when they don't get it?

Well, this part you might NOT have realized. They might beat you into a bloody pulp. That's what.

OK, sorry. I got carried away there. I apologize. Of course that might not happen. Hasn't happened so far, I guess. But it does happen to trans girls, and not that infrequently. Please dear, try and find some other, safer way of meeting guys.

Guys are great. I SO love guys! But let's be sensible here. And safe. We want you here on the forum for a long time to come.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Byanca]

I think that your sexuality is your own, and you should embrace and enjoy whatever that sexuality is without guilt or shame. I think that you are the only one who can decide, or even gets a vote in what that sexuality is. I think you should explore that part of your personality and do it without guilt or remorse.

If you want to play with guys - great. If you like girls - wonderful. If you like both - even better.

I also think that getting picked up by random guys on the street is an absolutely idiotic behavior, and guaranteed to end in disaster. And from a purely selfish perspective, I think it feeds an already well-fed stereotype about trans folks - and I would appreciate it if you knocked it off.
I've played with girls before. That was nice. Except the sexual part, that I could not get comfortable with. I'd like to have children though. That would solve all my worries.


I think you nailed it right there.

Even though a lot of people treat sex as a casual thing, that's not a healthy attitude. For both medical and emotional reasons, sex ought to be part of a relationship rather than an isolated event.
Yes I know. But I feel that my life is far to complicated to burden someone else with more then a little bit. When I go out, and guys pick me up I know that I'm appreciated, if only for sex. That's at least something. I probably exaggerated a bit, about that lots of times. One gave up because I started to cry. And one more was suffering from depression, and had to call the nurse as he lived in welfare to get anti anxiety medication. And told me it was not due to me, and I should not feel bad about it. But it happened after I got sceptical when he wanted sex and I asked if he had any deceases. He said no, but if seemed it triggered something. Most gets the boot upon attempt. And those I did follow was after careful screening if they where good guys. at least one hour conversation. So random and random. It seems to me that many GGs do the same here. So it's not just me. And they have a lot better foundation to make a relationship work successfully.


I have to agree with both Hope & Faith here, what you are doing by allowing yourself to be picked up from the street for a casual encounter is very unhealthy and extremely dangerous for you most of all - especially if you were very drunk. So far you might have been lucky to get away with it, but a time will come where someone really bad comes along and something while happen that you really regret. Iver read lots of statistics that support the belief that transsexual females are amongst the most abused of women right around the world - I good transsexual friend of mine was gang raped very violently by 4 guys and will carry the emotional scars for a long time to come.

The other thing I dont think you are considering here is the emotional implications of allowing yourself to be used & abused by men for quick sex. Personally I would feel cheap & worthless if I allowed myself to be used by men like a piece of meat. This is the sort of behaviour that can also seriously affect your self-esteem more than it already is and leave you feeling very insecure because it is complete devoid of an emotional connection with trust and security.
I'm aware of the risks. I'm trying to drink less before I go out. I'm sitting inside far to much-almost constantly. Have been for the last 10 years-and I have not even started transitioning yet . It does make me feel better to know that I am sexually attractive, at least to some. And going out and offering myself is a way of giving someone something. I don't really care if I get little in return. I try to not want much. And I'm trying to be realistic about it. Even though it is despicable-I do think I'm making progress. My therapist was actually proud of me, and she said it was great.

I could have hugged her. Was sure she was going to berate me.

But wanted me too hook up with the local TG community. I made a thread about that earlier.

I have not gotten any further on that. I'm just lacking motivation all around, and feel sorry for myself to really get to experience anything, or do anything. Sitting at home crying.


OMG!!!

Do I SO agree with Faith, Hope, and Melody.

Getting "picked up" on the streets is about the most dangerous thing you can do, sexually. And what, pray tell, do you imagine that these guys have on their mind? Yup. You got it. Just one thing. Sex. And what, pray tell, do you imagine these guys might do when they don't get it?

Well, this part you might NOT have realized. They might beat you into a bloody pulp. That's what.

OK, sorry. I got carried away there. I apologize. Of course that might not happen. Hasn't happened so far, I guess. But it does happen to trans girls, and not that infrequently. Please dear, try and find some other, safer way of meeting guys.

Guys are great. I SO love guys! But let's be sensible here. And safe. We want you here on the forum for a long time to come.

Lovies,
Stephenie
Thanks I guess. I've mostly been experimenting. To learn guys better. I know I go about this the whole wrong way-especially the alcohol bit-but I feel so stuck up otherwise-anxiety, for all sort of things.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Even as a young adult, I never enjoyed "****ing" it always had to be "love-making." I have to have an emotional attachment to my lover before I can become intimate.

[Areyan]

I also think that getting picked up by random guys on the street is an absolutely idiotic behavior, and guaranteed to end in disaster. And from a purely selfish perspective, I think it feeds an already well-fed stereotype about trans folks - and I would appreciate it if you knocked it off.

:yt:

not very cool. and also guaranteed to give you HIV or something horrible at some point. even if you like to play it safe i dunno if i believe that is always the case with hookups like these. seriously, have some more self-respect. i think internalized homophobia is damaging... look at why you feel uncomfortable with sex and why you aren't making much effort yourself to be more involved romantically with guys you're having encounters with. it takes two to make this emotional connection you know. you're not coming off that innocent to me either.

[Byanca]

:yt:

not very cool. and also guaranteed to give you HIV or something horrible at some point. even if you like to play it safe i dunno if i believe that is always the case with hookups like these. seriously, have some more self-respect. i think internalized homophobia is damaging... look at why you feel uncomfortable with sex and why you aren't making much effort yourself to be more involved romantically with guys you're having encounters with. it takes two to make this emotional connection you know. you're not coming off that innocent to me either.
I don't have any contact with people. Only my doctor and terapist and sometimes family that live far away. So I do walks. And sometimes go to the pub to see if there are people who will talk to me. The one encounter I did have sex I made sure he used a condom. I would not even touch it before he did that. And on dating sites ALL are just interested in sex. So have dropped that and try the real world instead. In fact, if they make an advance to quickly I know they are not interested, like this last guy. That I just said no to, after we had made out in the sofa for an hour. I do love kissing! So I'm starting to find out what it is that it is that I want in a lover. And sex is not it, that may be something I give to them if they have been really nice too me.


Even as a young adult, I never enjoyed "****ing" it always had to be "love-making." I have to have an emotional attachment to my lover before I can become intimate.
For me, this basically means security. They don't seem able to provide that. All these encounters leave me an emotional wreck, questioning if I'm into guys at all.

[Faith_G]

Yes I know. But I feel that my life is far to complicated to burden someone else with more then a little bit. When I go out, and guys pick me up I know that I'm appreciated, if only for sex. This made me cry. You are a wonderful treasure, not a burden! It makes me sad that you value yourself so little.

[Krystyna_Marie]

Even as a young adult, I never enjoyed "****ing" it always had to be "love-making." I have to have an emotional attachment to my lover before I can become intimate.



+1, OMG me too. I have missed out on some great sex looking for more than just a hookup. My feminine side maybe.

[7sisters]

Seems like you should think of resolving the most important relationship you will ever have- the one with yourself. Only when you love yourself enough, can you love another person in a mature responsible way.
There is a lot of pressure in certain societies to 'prove your worth' by getting an SO. This pressure is felt most by ladies. Please don't succumb to this kind of pressure.

[DeeDee1974]

I understand what you mean about emotional connections. I met a guy in a chatroom 7 years ago. Back then I only considered myself a CD. We became friends for 7 years. Has been there through 2 divorces with me. We started hanging out a lot and before I new it my best friend was my lover. I think sex with men is about comfort and feeling he'll be there tomorrow. For me atleast.

[tanyalynn51]

I am still working this out, but right now am only attracted to girls. But, I have just started on hormones, and my therapist has said that may change- I guess Ill see. Im happily on an abstinance kick while Im going through this anyway. As far as being picked up by guys, Ill go along with everyone else- :eek: girl, I work with people on the streets, some of whom are there because they have suffered the worst things that human scum can inflict on another human being. If you keep doing this, you are a target for predators whose thinking is beyond comprehension. Please, please, please, stop! If this sounds harsh or strong, its because I gave a similar warning to a mtf ts that was coming in where I work several months ago. I wanted to connect with her as a sister, but couldnt because of having to keep this secret at my job. I havent seen her in months. I hope that's because she has gotten off the streets, but all I can think about is that my city has recently been proven a rather fertile ground for serial killers- look it up. Be safe. I dont want to read about you somewhere. This is not meant to be pretty, its a warning from someone who sees it everyday. Take care of yourself.

[Melody Moore]

With regards to sexual orientation... From the age of 16 until the age of 26 I was very homophobic about gays and transphobic towards transsexuals, but I do know that it was bigotry that was the catalyst & contributed to that. A year earlier at the age of 15 I had been thinking very seriously about wanting to change sex. But what changed that was when I overheard two guys talking very nastily about a transsexual they knew when I was working with at the age of 16.

When I finally realised a bit over 2 years ago that I really was more female than male I have now become open to the idea of a relationship with a male after my SRS because I do realise now that it would be a heterosexual relationship and not a gay relationship. One thing I know I wont ever do is cheapen myself, I don't have any insecurities or self-esteem issues and maintain far too much pride & respect in myself to do something like that - I feel sorry for some people on this thread who do have such issues and behave in such a way. I want to feel an emotional connection where I feel loved and respected by a male before I give myself to them. To cheapen yourself through sex is very dangerous& this type behaviour only feeds a stereotypical view of us held by some people in society.

[Melissa A.]

Wait a minute. And don't misunderstand me, please. I love being in love. There aren't alot of things that feel better than an emotional connection with another human being. But are we actually passing judgement on people who choose, at certain times in their lives, to engage in casual sex? Does that not sometimes have a place, for some people, at some point? It may not be for some of you, and I know there are folks who have never had sex without being in love, or at least seriously in like. I also realise that the the image of "random guys out on the streets" doesn't exactly conjure up at very least, all that safe a picture. If that is literally what the OP is doing, she is most likely putting herself in alot of possible danger, in the immediate sense. It is a sad fact of modern life that all women need to be careful when it comes to any man that they don't know very well. That goes double for trans women.
It's not like I have a date every weekend, or anything even close to that. And even well meaning men can be such lunkheads sometimes, when it comes to trans women. But I occasionally meet guys, here and there. A sustained relationship has so far eluded me, and I certainly don't sleep with every man who acts nice to me. But sometimes, even if a romantic relationship is not in the cards for two people, humans sometimes get lonely, and are sexual creatures. If sex is safe, sane, and consensual, What an adult man or woman does is nobody's business but their own, and very few deserve to be branded with a big "S"(****ty OR stupid!) for occasionally fulfilling physical needs.

The last time I had a "casual" relationship with someone, I was sitting waiting for my pizza, minding my own business. This guy starts chatting with me, and eventually asks for my number. he was polite and seemed sane, so I gave it to him. He called me a couple times a week for the next 3 weeks, while I put him off while I got to know him on the phone a bit. Finally, I agreed to meet him for dinner, no place extravagant. It wasn't until the next time we met, a couple days later, that we had sex. I knew from the get go that he wasn't looking to marry me, and I feel the same way about him. Nice guy, not my future. we meet up every couple of weeks, it seems, have had a nice time, and that's that. if I start dating someone else, I won't see him anymore. I want a relationship. a connection. someone to love. Almost everybody does. In the meantime, a girl gets lonely and wants to touch, and be touched. is there really something wrong with that?

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Felicity71]

I totally agree with Melissa.