Strange Comment

[Christina2008]

I was discussing with a woman at work another college who we suspected to be gay. Both of us agreed if he was to come out, we would fully support him as it’s not an issue to either of us. I joked I know, it’s even cool to be gay these days” So far so good, two open minded people having a conversation.

THEN, she comes out with “what I don’t get is men who dress up as women and wear lipstick etc. Why would a guy want to do that?” what’s wrong with that I say?. “its just weird and I don’t know how I’d react if my son turned up home in a dress.” I asked what if he came over and said he was gay?, “it wouldn’t bother me, if that was his choice I’d still love him just the same and have no issue with it”

So I’m standing in a middle of a busy, yet quit office, (trying not to get nervous or fidget) I can’t just blurt out reasons for cd’ing without completely outing myself to my work. Instead the conversation ended as we had to get back to work.

It left me thinking, does she know about me? I underdress every day, I’m sure she seen my thong a few years back when bending over and on one occasion she gave me a lipsalv which was slightly pink and glossy. I told her I liked it, made my lips soft again but because it was coloured pink I could only wear it in the house. Now this lady adores me (I’m the same age as her sons so I’m not sure in what way, but we have DVD nights at her house, go to the cinema a lot and are quite close in general. So I doubt she would try to offend me.

So do I get her on her own and educate her (tell her its quite common, doesn’t mean you’re gay, just a bit of fun etc) or just let her comments pass? Or do you think she brought this up for another reason. Maybe a GG would understand any underlying logic behind this??

Sorry for rambling but since Friday I’ve wanted to post this for suggestions and thoughts.

[Loni]

ever here about eggs? and walking?
she does not quite understand herself. sounds like she is putting up a fake wall about being "pc" about gays, (as you stated "it's even cool to be gay") sounds like she is just being in with the crowd about gays but really is not so fond of them. so less fond about "other life styles".

but here in my area, with not knowing you or her, or even what it is like in your area, this is just my take. hoping it is better than what i say.

but please ramble on, this is what make a great way to help all of us when and / or if it happens to us.

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[alluts]

Sounds like to me she knows about your dressing and is trying to open up a conversation about it. She dosn't understand it, therefore it is wrong. But sometimes if you plant a seed... As much as I crossdress I still think I would be upset to find my son doing it, not sure as to why. There is always alot of confusion around crossdressing and sexuality in general, everyone thinks differently about these things.

[Patty B.]

Depending if you want or feel comfortable being outed at work, there may be unintended consequences to your actions that can not be forseen. This is a personal choice only you can really make. How she seems to feel about crossdressing doesn't sound very understanding. Whether you can educate her or not is once again your call. Against my wishes I am out in our relatively small town and at work which I've found I'm kind of a leper now and it remains to see how these unintended consequences will play out.

[Rachel Morley]

Humm .... tricky one this one. She's ok with people being gay but she doesn't "get" why a guy would want to dress up as a woman and wear lipstick etc. If you tell her why some guys like presenting this way she for sure is gonna get suspicious as no doubt you're gonna explain it in a very knowledgeable way.

This is a tough call. If it were me I think I'd be a chicken and not say anything in case it compromised our relationship, but then again if you are able to explain it and she comes to understand us it might enhance your relationship with her. Like I said it's a tricky one and a tough call. :thinking:

[Alberta_Pat]

I would simply suggest that males dressing en femme is little different than women dressing en homme. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

[Karren H]

If she likes you that much I wouldn't take the chance of ruining that.. My wife accepts our gay son but not her crossdressing husband.. Sigh...

[Christinedreamer]

I have had this same situation a few times.I always ask the woman to tell me why she likes to get dolled up, wear stockings and satins, sheer blouses, perfume, lipstick, heels, etc. The response is usually along the lines of "I like the way it feels and looks." My next query is usually" you like the way it feels on your skin or just something about it brings you pleasure, right?" Then I explain (remind) her that men also have tactile senses and that for some, they like to feel it more than just touching their GF or wife through it.

Some men like the way the materials feel, the way they move, the sensations of wind going where it usually does not go. For others, the reasons can be the same as when you like to change from comfy worn out jeans to a real froufrou party dress or a wedding gown. They are totally impractical BUT you like the feel, the freedom, the overall look.

Do you wear nylon panties and not cotton? Why? the same reasons. Just because a person is endowed(?) with male genitalia does not mean that they necessarily traded away the tactile and emotional pleasure responses in order to have a p*nis and t*sticles.

Obviously we all understand that CDing et al is more than just tactile sensations that are pleasurable, but I have found that asking questions like that usually opens the door to a more in depth discussion. This concept is not guaranteed but it may give a hesitant GG a moment to analyze and examine her own preferences and prejudices.

[AKAMichelle]

get her alone and tell her, but be prepared for having a huge coming out party. It could go badly and you are completely outed at work.

[LisaM]

I'm with Karen---I'd leave it alone. Why take a chance in hurting your relationship. I don't think she was giving you a hint.

[Christina2008]

I knew you girls would help.

I’m guessing that to her being gay is more mainstream and acceptable and she accepts that. Crossdressing is just too unknown and alien to her. Now that I think about it, is it not a human trait that if we don’t understand something we reject it? (Very generally speaking of course)

I’m now thinking I doubt she really knows or suspects anything about me as she wouldn’t have been so negative about it. She likes everything I do, she even wants me to teach her to play golf, although I know she’s not the slightest bit interested in golf. I’m not even sure she likes half the films we watch, but its company for her.

It would be good to come out to her, and bring her round to my way of thinking, BUT in reality that aint going to happen so I’ll just leave it at that. I work for a construction company which is more than stereotypically closed minded and macho!

I forgot to say the main thing that has annoyed me about all this is I really wanted to stick up for the other CD's in the world (I didn’t like to hear them/us getting verbally abused) I feel I let everyone down including myself. As the advice given suggests though it probably wasn’t the right time to unleash my crusade for Crossdressing acceptance. :)

[carhill2mn]

I would advise you to "leave it alone". There are many people who are able to be at least somewhat accepting of gays and lesbians but are unable to comprehend CDing. It has taken many years and a lot of sacrifices for gays and lesbians to get to where they are now. Unfortunately, even many of them do not understand CDing very well. A great many people do not
understand why we, at least some of the time, prefer to present ourselves as women. For many, being a male/man is still superior to being a female/woman.

[mklinden2010]

To burn it.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Yep, we are more misunderstood than gay or lesbians, and prolly more looked down upon too. I would think that is the reason for her comments, and you may be better off letting it go, but thanx for thinking of defending us.
If you still want to at least give her some things to think about without compromising yourself, you might try and think out loud in a 3rd person way. Something like "well, i don't know, there was a time when women only wore dresses and they were prolly called CDers when they began wearing pants?",
or " who knows, maybe they are just comfortable enough with their masculinity that wearing women's clothes doesn't change who they are inside?, what is the big deal it is only clothing?".
But then again, if she does suspect you might be a CD and she feels the way she does, you might be setting yourself up for more than you are ready for.
mj (Cassie)

[Amy Lynn3]

Follow the advise Karren gave you and leave it alone. Ask yourself...What do I have to gain by telling/educating her? Only you can answer that and I would wait until she lays all her cards on the table.

[joyce483]

When you tell someone in the company, the whole company will find out eventually!! One of the reasons I dont have a picture up is I dont want to lose my job now, or get harressed at the shop after I get out of the truck!!

[pernille d]

I. Have to side with the "don't tell,s"

A complex problem I can understanding the urge to defend crossdressers,and educate the uneducated . As that is what it is about gay people have been out and about for a long time but the world is not so to used to crossdressers yet.

you seem like very close friends and from my experience my close friends have been good about who I am . If it will ruin your friendship/ job then forget about telling her but if you feel you have to tell her then be prepared for all the knock on affects it could have. I am sort of certain my boss knows something or she has worked me out ,but there is no way I will let her know as somethings are best left in the closset.

[Frédérique]

I’m guessing that to her being gay is more mainstream and acceptable and she accepts that. Crossdressing is just too unknown and alien to her. Now that I think about it, is it not a human trait that if we don’t understand something we reject it?

I’m guessing that this woman doesn’t desire any competition from crossdressers, at least as far as femininity is concerned, and you are dangerously close to crossing the line into her territory. Also, it’s no surprise to me that adult females are clueless as to why a male would want to wear women’s clothing – I mean, there are issues of necessity and societal expectation woven into the presentation, so why on Earth would a male wish to take on such baggage? Can you explain what you get out of MtF crossdressing to a female? Good luck…

Meanwhile, it’s OK to be gay. That’s a start, I suppose, but crossdressing is “unknown” and “alien?” How about if the male crossdresser was gay – would that help to explain things? Would that scenario somehow be acceptable? Again, it’s all about gender boundaries – apparently heterosexual crossdressers are dangerous, and simple human understanding is at a premium these days…

[juligirl1984]

I get to hear knocking on CD and drag from family. that show with ru paul that started had my sister like "ewwww". I wanted to say something but I just ignored it and kept fiddling with my phone.

[Marie-Elise]

I have to go with the others who say to keep away from that conversation. You may disagree with her comments. However, your relationship has nothing to do with CDing. If you want to educate folks and bring them to your way of thinking, become a politician or a preacher. Otherwise, maintain the relationship.

[DianneW]

sounds to me like she's fishing for something,,,, what goes on in the office, never stays there. I think you should back off and head for deeper water.

[Jilmac]

If it was my co worker, I would invite her to meet a friend who is very dear to my heart. If she accepted the invitation, I would start by showing her pictures, (your avatar pic makes you look very feminine), and I would tell her that the person in the photo is me. Then I would explain as best I could that crossdressing is part of me as well as many other men throughout the world. If she had questions I would do my best to give her truthful answers from my own knowlege of why men dress.

[SamanthaS]

I wouldn't come out at work unless your sure you can work there if things go south.

[TGMarla]

She can understand why a person would want to have sex with their own gender, but not wear the clothing of the other gender? Sounds like she's splitting hairs. One is a preference for clothing. The other is far more serious, if you ask me. I wonder how she feels about transexuals? She okay with that, too? Over the years, gay people have garnered a whole lot more acceptance in mainstream culture. Crossdressers have not. She's only reflecting pop culture in her opinions. As for you rigorously defending crossdressing with your co-worker, you might just want to portray yourself as the open-minded person in the crowd, and little more. So when (if ever) it comes up again, you can tell her that you see nothing wrong with it....whatever floats your boat is fine with you as long as it's not hurting anyone. And hey, women enjoy all those clothes, it's not much of a stretch to see how some guys might, too.

[t-girlxsophie]

I told a few select girls in work,Thought That would be as far as it went didn't work out that way,wasn't anything they did,was uncovered by Accident.I havent experienced any negatives but It does make It harder to keep the lid on things the more ppl know.I know its not nice hearing such negative remarks,especially from a close friend and the urge to stand up for The community may be strong,but Its true in Life you gotta look After number one

:hugs:Sophie

[Shelly Preston]

I would not make any commet to your co worker at all

However it might be worth thinking about what to say if it comes up again in conversation

Like they may be transsexual or just enjoy dressing up

Make it general enough so as not to out yourself there have been enough programmes on TV around the subject

[Dana]

Not to be rude and crude about it?

But even a dog knows not to crap where it sleeps!

DON'T JEPORDIZE YOU JOB!

Even if she's cool with it, (and she probally already suspects) it would only take one one or two from her to get some anal retentive SOB up the food chain?

And bidda~boom ~ bidda bang! Your out on the street looking for a job!

[Rachel05]

To be fair she sounds just like my SO, she would be fully supportive of either of our kids if they were gay, but for years she used to make such a fuss about men dressing in women's clothing and how she could never understand it and that was before she had the shocker of finding out about me!!

Now she has every opportunity to discuss the why and wherefore of it all and she chooses not to, but hey, we have time yet

If I was you and she is a good friend, I would leave any direct discussions or revelations but keep sneaking a bit of time back to the subject when the time is right, that would be how I do it, it is how I try and do it with my wife, but I have to say it doesn't work or hasn't yet so who am I to give advice!!!

[Elizabeth Ann]

I knew you girls would help.

I’m guessing that to her being gay is more mainstream and acceptable and she accepts that. Crossdressing is just too unknown and alien to her. Now that I think about it, is it not a human trait that if we don’t understand something we reject it? (Very generally speaking of course)


I agree with most of the advice not to out yourself. Your observation reminds me of a story my artist father-in-law told me about an well known exchange between an art critic and a collector. "I know what I like," the collector says. "No," the critic responds, "you like what you know."


I forgot to say the main thing that has annoyed me about all this is I really wanted to stick up for the other CD's in the world (I didn’t like to hear them/us getting verbally abused) I feel I let everyone down including myself.


General statements of tolerance and support for individual rights and lifestyles will slowly (and I hope surely) bring about a shift in attitudes. Since I am aware of no obligation for you to give up your right to privacy and out yourself, I don't believe you let anyone down.

Liz

[Roberta Marie]

Christina,

1. I was struck by her comment that “it wouldn’t bother me, if that was his choice. . ." Neither bieng gay or being transgendered is a choice. This is something that people so often fail to comprehend.

2. Don't get down on yourself for not sticking up for the TG community. I think all of us have been there, and judging from the responses, very few would make a decision to the contrary.

3. Perhaps a tiny tale, tell her that your conversation peaked your curiosity, so you did a quick google search and found a book for her. Then give her a basic book on the subject, perhaps, "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd.

Bobbi

[NicoleScott]

I don't think she knows, or she wouldn't have been so direct and so negative. If she suspected, she might have been more inquiring and less judgmental (implied, I think). You shouldn't come out just to make a point, which you may fail at making. You did what you could - asked her what wrong with it, and didn't seem to get an answer. Sometimes you have to be content with just planting seeds.