I'm not sure i can do this...

[RachelDee]

I am sorry for *another* long rant, but at the moment this forum is the only vent i have with people that i feel some level of understanding with :sad:. It must look like im moaning my head off at the moment though.

I have spent a lot of time (and sleepless nights) feeling incredibly uncertain about who I am and what’s going to happen in my future. I know my moods been affected quite severely, and I’ve been feeling periods of intense panic, depression and hopelessness (in between random moments of ‘highs’ which seem fleeting). My general anxiety has sky rocketed, and that’s in the space of a few months. It shows little signs of fading right now, which has made collecting my thoughts difficult. I don't even want to get out of bed in a morning these past weeks.

I need to speak to someone of course, and that’s what im doing -but this is going to take time. My GP’s application for funding will no doubt take a while + the waiting list for the Gender Clinic itself. I’d estimate at best it would be at least 6-8 months. My research has shown that’s the average for Nottinghams GID clinic. I’m lucky though, it used to be 18 months (so I read)…..

So that means spending half a year (at least) in limbo feeling like this? Unable to do anything. No. I’m going to make it.

I know exactly what’s going to happen. Unable to cope (like last time) – I will simply burry it. Long before I get an appointment, I will likely be in full denial again, and I’m sure I’ll be doing my best to ‘blot out’ these events all together. At least that will be easier this time round, since it’s not all out to family…

In order to try and ease my anxiety, I have of course been researching and attempting to inform myself more. To show myself there is “help” available if it comes down to it (and that the feelings and thoughts have an ‘out’ and a solution).

I’ll be quite honest when I say I felt worse the more I looked up what help id actually get (eventually).

The NHS route is totally unsuitable for me. I really do applaud and admire the people that are doing this though, you truly are stronger than I could ever imagine being. However no matter how I look at it, I cannot seem to find a way for it to work for me.

The asks of NHS funded treatment likely means ill never ever transition.

I have always suffered from low self-esteem, under confidence and anxiety. After finding some ‘real stories’ from my area, I quickly descended to rock bottom on levels of hope. Discovering that intolerance and general difficulty of ‘transitions’ of MtF in Lincolnshire is not all that uncommon. How would I cope with this? I have no idea…. It would likely send me scurrying into seclusion (at best). This person had gone through the NHS path, and was doing their RLE, as required, BEFORE any kind of feminizing treatments. This includes voice/speech therapy, hair removal and hormones. Nothing.... :eek: and as you would guess they were met by many difficult and embrassing situations.

Does this mean im one of the ‘fake’ TS? The ones they are trying to weed out with their current methods? I don’t know, I guess by their definition I would be. Maybe compared to the other TS/TG people on this forum, that means I am too. They have suffered much worse than this im sure, many seem to be living full time/part time regardless.

I am currently trying to work out if i could possibly fund my own treatment :sad: and maybe i could be part-funded by the NHS? This would be both good for them (it costs them less!) and me (i get help sooner and get a transition thats at my own pace, with lots of room to U turn if its the wrong choice).

I'm under no delusions that i could afford any of the operations of course (such as SRS, or FFS) right now. But those would be ways off anyway (especially SRS...) mainly im thinking that id fund my own assesments. Then at least id have an idea of where to go from there, ideally id like to try and live at least part-time (or mostly full if it works out well... id def like to do it as much as i could)

But to do part-time im going to need a minimum of; Hair Removal (Face), Voice Therapy. Dare i say it, but also.... hormones. The hormones are something that actually seem to offer the real gains. Not just because they generally make you look that little bit more passable and female (over time), but that there are innergains too. They make you feel more balanced and 'right'. If you feel good inside, you show it on the outside (I think there is a lot in that!). Of course if they made me feel even worse and confused, that would likley tell me something major about what im attempting to do.

Id rather experience a negative reaction to female hormones before presenting myself as female, and discovering that this is obviously not the path for me. Than present myself as female, to family and outside too, and then discover its not for me. It's going to be a lot harder to 'reverse' the more public you make it.

My own personal idea of RLE is to integrate the changes over time. It would be the only way i see myself coping with the enormity of this whole thing, including how well my family would support and deal with this.

On that note i guess, this is something that someone may be able to help me with. Does anyone know of any private clincs in the UK, like a list of, that maybe i can contact? Or any ideas of UK pricing for sessions/assesments. I want to bring up the part funded thing with my GP, and see if there is any possibility on this.

[Karen564]

Give me a minute to see what I have, if anything....or at least try to give you a starting point ..

Ok, here's a few, so if you make some CALLS or Email them explaining your situation, I think they would help or point you in the right direction to get help..or so I would hope so......In the age of the computer, there's an abundance of info on where to get the help you need for your part of the world...The thing to remember is that YOU have to do the searching, calling, & legwork (not that you need any legwork after seeing your legs..lol.....wish my legs looked that good) ...& then take that 1st step in taking control of YOUR transition, it's your life, so lets make the best of it & get this ball rolling. OK ?
http://www.agender.org.uk/
http://www.gires.org.uk/contact.php
http://www.gires.org.uk/transpeople.php
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf (note Pg 5 where it states private care under types of treatment available)
http://www.gendertrust.org.uk/
http://www.wpath.org/ (from here, there are many resources, & I highly recommend that you check out the entire site )

Hope this gives you more to go on & helps ...:hugs:

[CharleneT]

While you are waiting for the referral to the Gender Clinic, why not see a regular therapist ? They can help you with most, if not all of the issues that you face.

[Faith_G]

...and start hair removal.

You should also start going out and doing things while presenting as a woman.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

faith's idea is excellent...just do it....

it sounds so simple..and it is... i can remember going to therapy dressed for the first time and on the way home i passed a supermarket...i was sweating, overdressed, overmade up and i thought to myself I wish i could just go in there and get my groceries...
i then thought that if i'm serious about this, then sooner or later i will have to go in there..so i did and people stared at me and it was not nearly as awkward as i thought.. i just did my business and checked out and went home...i never forgot that..

just make sure you do it in a safe neighborhood

[Melody Moore]

Rachel, I can only really echo the advice of others here - but if I could add anything, then these are my thoughts....

Many of us have struggled for years to get our heads around the fact we are transsexual or intersexed. So what is the problem with being patient, going through the processes to get to where we want to go? There is bright & shining light at the end of the tunnel believe me, but I know its a long & lonely journey trying to get there. You mentioned that you were thinking about having to move anyway before you can really begin, so focus on this first. Start with the baby steps, one step at a time and eventually you will get to where you need to go in life.

At this point of time in my life there is no way I can afford SRS if I cant get it under the public health system, but Im not going to let that hold me back any longer. I will start to do what I have to which is necessary anyway before I will even be approved for SRS. If I didnt start, then I would only grow older and never realise my dream or be the person I am suppose to be. So hang in there hun and NEVER give up hope - we are all here for you.

[katrinakat]

It's a journey........... not just being TG but life. Live it to the fullest because it's your LIFE, and not to sound redundant but, "life is short." Be grateful for the blessings.

[Deborah_UK]

Rachel,

As someone who has been attending Nottingham GIC, despite the wait (14 months!!! - but they claimed they didn't get my GP's first letter) I have found their treatment has helped me no end. I'm not sure what exactly you want from them from your post. However if you want the private route initially then I believe there is a Doctor in London - Richard Curtis who has had very good write ups http://www.transhealth.co.uk/

As for "horror" stories regarding intolerance, well I can't comment for others, but I believe Nigella on this forum is also from Lincolnshire and she seems very positive.

As for negative reactions to hormones before presenting as a female, again I'm not sure what you want from them, I was four months into my RLE before I started hormones, I've now been on them for almost 7 months. They are not a "magic" pill, and everyones reactions to them are different.

You are clearly thinking long and hard about the road you want to go down, but eventually you'll need to open the door and step out. Do you go out now as Rachel? Where do you go? It is not clear from your post. In my humble opinion you should be out and about as a woman before you consider hormones, you'll know then if this is the road you want to follow. Living 24/7 is totally different from dressing occasionally but its the best move I ever made.

You mention family - does this mean wife and children? Its not clear again.

Sorry about the questions, but before you consider the gains you also consider the losses. Prior to my transition I feared the worst of everything, thought I'd have to move, that I'd be ostracised, my friends would turn their backs on me. How little regard I must have held my friends. Since my transition my friends have been brilliant (although those from further away still forget my new name, but I can live with that), my workplace has been incredibly supportive, and one of my regular pubs has welcomed me with open arms. Although I've not been in my most local - it's definitely a "man's pub". The only downside for me has been I havent seen my mother or my nieces and nephews since last Christmas, but hopefully that will change next weekend :)

Finally the a:gender.org link above relates to the Trans network for UK Civil Servants so, unless you are a Civil Servant, it may not be much help.

I wish you well.

Debs

[Felicity71]

I feel your pain there, thats a long wait. Deborah has a good point, going out as a woman before hrt is a strong step. Its not easy at first due to a fear of being verbally abused but I had great help from a supportive friend. If you have someone that can help you with that it may be a good thing. Your 28 on your profile, if you think about it, you maybe on hrt before your 30. I see you dont wont to risk everything by telling your family yet. I wont tell you that you should, but of course there maybe ways to try to let them understand your going through pain and depression.

[RachelDee]

I thank people for their input, and thank you Karen564 for finding those links. You are really kind to keep offering your advice and support (as are you too MelodyN) :)

Will try to cover everything that’s been said as best I can (without it being far too much to read!).

I am currently living with my family. I do not have any children, or a partner.

I suffer(ed) from OCD, and quite badly. It got to the point quite quickly where I was unable to work, socialize etc etc. Not the best time in my life really, and one that I have many regrets over (the wasted time mainly and wasted attempts at therapy). I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years and am now free of most of the crippling effects it was having on my life.

I'm in a position after it where I'm still living with family ,and am not in any form of work or education. I essentially have a 7 year gap in my life... I am seeking to re-gain some form of independence now after the aftermath of OCD (I actually tried to investigate if OCD would cause GID issues a while back, but didn’t find anything of relevance).

Anyway, to answer a question on if I go out as Rachel - well really I go out as Rachel whenever I go out :) she is me. Do I dress as a female and feel able to be all she is? Unfortunately not no. Do I hold back my inner thoughts and expressions? Yes because they wouldn’t all be accepted as reasonable for a ‘male’ . I know that at school i quickly learned what would get me picked on. While i couldnt force myself to like football (for example), i did try to be like everyone else which failed of course. I also learned to keep certain aspects of my personality 'hidden' because they would not be accepted by people as 'male', but my differing nature (quiet, sensative etc) was not something i could really hide.

When I look in the mirror I don't see her. I see the thing that's hiding her, and stopping her coming out. There is a man looking back at me, and while in don't think I 'hate' him, I do dislike him (the more I let the thoughts through, the more the dislike grows though ive noticed). I have never been happy with my self image since as long as I can remember. I never knew why really. Thought it was bullying/self esteem issues. I tried many things to make me feel better about myself, nothing ever worked. Its only since the issues of gender surfaced that things started to become clearer (but I wont get into this, I fear this post is going to be long enough). I did realise something amazing though recently. Compliments, even when people said they meant them never made me feel good about myself. Yet, ive had a few people comment on my legs on here (thanks Karen564 btw!) and it made me feel good about myself. Thats the first time thats ever happened...

Going back to RLE:

In order for me to dress more female and change my appearance I'd have to come out to everyone first (which i will have to do eventually anyway of course if therapy confirms what i feel?). This would add additional issues though, like reinforcing the problems my family had with this announcement last time (being pysically a man in female clothes). They wouldn't accept it, and this is another personal reason why I said the NHS route would be bad for me -I'd likely have to leave home to do it, else cause an intolerable situation. I am not sure id be able to support myself financially now, and am only just coming out of therapy for OCD.

I live in Lincolnshire in a small town. Going out as female is going to get me read easily (voice, face, body...) and this would relate to '1' in that my family would likely feel both ashamed & worried. Worried for my (and their) safety, what others will think and judge etc etc.

I am not sure i feel clothes I’m wearing very important to my identity at the moment either, well not to some extent. Don't get me wrong, when I can wear more female clothes and be accepted in them, that will be really fantastic (and ill be so glad I can). But for me now I simply want to feel happy with myself, my own identity and my own body. This relates to my own image of myself more than other peoples. I want people to acknowledge the gender I feel I am, but how I see myself feels far more important. I want my body to feel right. The more i do to make it more female the better it feels, but its a poor illusion.

That's a big reason why I was so happy seeing the routes the US (and other countries?) take. Allowing you to present as male or female as you feel comfortable. The more 'female' you start to look the more people start to live like that. Resulting in what I thought was the least painful way to transition.

People face enough issues as it is, financial, friends, family, social, mental... why would they purposely put people up for non-acceptance and make it as hard as they can for a person to move into their new role is beyond me. All for your “own good” I’m sure is the reason but who decides this stuff anyway? How do they know what’s for my own good? Why do they understand what’s better for me?

@Deborah_UK

I think most of your questions are covered above, but on what im expecting from hormones. I am not sure myself, but two things that i am really egar for is that (A) They aparently help bring a sense of balance in thoughts and 'wellness'. Or the opposite. If there is any truth in this im not sure, but it seems to be a common theme that ive seen online. (B) They would curb the maleness that is the male libido. Which would help me understand things a lot better (id really welcome this being reduced/removed).

I guess the other obvious change is that they would start giving me the body image that seems so important. Though i dont want that to sound like im saying "I want breasts!" because its not (well i do.. but you know what i mean).


EDIT:
I was attempting to write out my thoughts and such recently. And one thing that i did feel might be of significance was perhaps to some extent im androgynous. Yet relate more and feel more female than male?

[RachelDee]

Oh i did want to add a tiny little bit more... :heehee: maybe something a bit more positive.

I have been considering what clothes i could buy that would be slightly more female. So like, female jeans, or tops etc. Just to give that 'hint' but not be obvious. Perhaps this could help ease me into it?

I tend to go from "This is impossible id sooner run through the streets naked" to "Maybe i can do this". I think the adding of a 'female' touch to my clothes might be a good start for me perhaps.

I decided that i wouldnt tell anyone about these issues until after Christmas though. I didnt want to spoil it for anyone, not when its so close.

One thing that i do need to do, but is going to take time, is grow my hair out. Who knows.... maybe i can do this. Maybe ill find the guts and confidence somewhere :S if i was attending my assessments already dressed that would likley shave time off of it too? So id not only prove something to myself, but help move things forward as i wish.

Time to start looking at some options then.

[Danni Bear]

Rachel,

The one thing that you must always remember is this. No matter what anyone else tells you.the only person that knows what is right for you is you. How anyone else does the change from male to female or female to male is specific to them. There are no hard and fast rules for it. It is how you and you alone accomplish your journey to being yourself. What makes that easier in many ways is having someone to talk to and share your concerns with. That is what everyone here is for. Helping others over and through the traps and pitfalls on becoming the person you were meant to be. Most of us have faced or are still facing the same challenges that you are.

The fears of rejection and hatred run deep in all of us, not withstanding the support that many get from family and friends. Know that we will support and help you in all you try.

The gradual approach to becoming female is one that many use. Very few will make a drastic change in their appearence from male to female. It is a process of steps. From letting your hair grow longer or your nails. It can be wearing female undergarments, changing your pants to a feminine style, choosing a more feminine top or even changing to a feminine style of shoe. These are all steps in your progression. None have to be drastic or at the same time. It's when you are comfortable doing them.

The person looking at you from your mirror is one that is hard to silence. It will not be easy for you to see the difference in yourself for a long time. Just know that over time you will start noticing small changes that will make a difference. The light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter.

Danni

[Karen564]

I thank people for their input, and thank you Karen564 for finding those links. You are really kind to keep offering your advice and support (as are you too MelodyN) :)

Your very welcome..:hugs:

I have to say, some of your thoughts & concerns remind me so much almost to the T of my own many years ago...So believe me, I know what your going though...I remember thinking to myself that I will never get though all this in a million years..but it ended up my will was stronger than I thought...Also know that I had spent most all of my life fighting this condition off every single day...I never really wanted to accept that I was transsexual...but there came a point where it wore me out & it all came to a head during the seperation..I just wanted to end my life......but then, off to the head doctor I went...lol



I have never been happy with my self image since as long as I can remember. I never knew why really.

Same here



Thought it was bullying/self esteem issues.

For me, it was self esteem, even though I was a very popular kid & nobody ever bullied me..



I did realise something amazing though recently. Compliments, even when people said they meant them never made me feel good about myself. Yet, ive had a few people comment on my legs on here (thanks Karen564 btw!) and it made me feel good about myself. Thats the first time thats ever happened...


Awwww, your making me cry now....I'm so happy I could make you feel good..
& I meant what I said too...:hugs:
You have to die for legs!



Going back to RLE:

In order for me to dress more female and change my appearance I'd have to come out to everyone first (which i will have to do eventually anyway of course if therapy confirms what i feel?). This would add additional issues though, like reinforcing the problems my family had with this announcement last time (being pysically a man in female clothes). They wouldn't accept it, and this is another personal reason why I said the NHS route would be bad for me -


For RLE, yes, that is the stage you will most definitely have to come out to your family, etc..All RLE will do is access how well you will live, work & interact living your target gender, and yes, you will know by living in that role if it really feels right to you...it will either feel great & natural or it will feel very wrong & unnatural.

The way it's done in the UK would scare me to death too...seems rather beyond cruel to me..

But, you don't need to come out to anyone you don't want to if you take some preliminary steps before you get to the RLE phase..

You can do many changes before saying a word...hair removal for one, plus voice training, hrt if you can get a doctor to do the monitoring..
As an example, I've been on hrt for 6 years...and kept all treatments a secret from my family for a few years before I said a single word..
I came out to my daughters 1st, then my Ex wife & 2 friends...then waited about a year before I told my Mom & siblings & the rest of the family & friends..shortly after starting my RLE....but keep in mind, I have been living on my own & didn't see my family so much because of the distance..
Also note, I had always so dreaded that coming out day to my Mom & siblings..which that is a huge understatement, I was scared to death, terrified out of my witts really!!..lol
I had figured they would never accept this news...but my Mom really took it much better than I ever thought she would..although it was rougher for her after the shock wore off, but shes pretty good with it now & she's still their for me today...like we were always close, but this has made us even closer than we were before..she has been amazing....but I cant say the same for my siblings, they started off as accepting but then grew more & more distant...



I'd likely have to leave home to do it, else cause an intolerable situation. I am not sure id be able to support myself financially now, and am only just coming out of therapy for OCD.

It's a tough spot to be in..
And you very well may have to leave the home to do it..
Well after my divorce, I was staying weeknights at my Ex's place to take care of my 2 kids as my Ex was working a nightshift...About a year after I came out to them, my youngest daughter & my Ex were still having a hard time accepting me being TS, even though I still didn't dress as female while there because of their issues with it, so my EX suggested that I should think about not staying there to give them more time & so I could move forward & start my RLE..which I did..(actually, the whole idea was decided in a family vote)



I am not sure i feel clothes I’m wearing very important to my identity at the moment either, well not to some extent. Don't get me wrong, when I can wear more female clothes and be accepted in them, that will be really fantastic (and ill be so glad I can). But for me now I simply want to feel happy with myself, my own identity and my own body. This relates to my own image of myself more than other peoples. I want people to acknowledge the gender I feel I am, but how I see myself feels far more important. I want my body to feel right. The more i do to make it more female the better it feels, but its a poor illusion.


I can relate to this very well,
In fact that is pretty much how I was thinking for the most part many years ago...but like many of my earlier thoughts about it, much has changed since then after many experiences ...As you go though this, your thoughts will also evolve & some will do a 180 on you...
much of what your saying is what myself as a Transsexual felt...it's more about how I felt inside & how people perceived me.. I wanted my mind to be put at ease from it's anxiety & wanted my body to align with my mind, I loved wearing the clothing, it helped sometimes, but it wasn't then & still not that important to me to this day...I only see it as simply clothing for the gender I'm living....but don't get me wrong...I do love fine clothing..



That's a big reason why I was so happy seeing the routes the US (and other countries?) take. Allowing you to present as male or female as you feel comfortable. The more 'female' you start to look the more people start to live like that. Resulting in what I thought was the least painful way to transition.

yea, pretty much, we go at it at our own pace..some fast, some slow..



People face enough issues as it is, financial, friends, family, social, mental... why would they purposely put people up for non-acceptance and make it as hard as they can for a person to move into their new role is beyond me. All for your “own good” I’m sure is the reason but who decides this stuff anyway? How do they know what’s for my own good? Why do they understand what’s better for me?

I agree, because They really don't know what's best for YOU..
that's why I say that if you can do this privately, You take charge of YOUR transition, not them...because your the one paying the bill..



I think most of your questions are covered above, but on what im expecting from hormones. I am not sure myself, but two things that i am really egar for is that (A) They aparently help bring a sense of balance in thoughts and 'wellness'. Or the opposite. If there is any truth in this im not sure, but it seems to be a common theme that ive seen online. (B) They would curb the maleness that is the male libido. Which would help me understand things a lot better (id really welcome this being reduced/removed).
I guess the other obvious change is that they would start giving me the body image that seems so important. Though i dont want that to sound like im saying "I want breasts!" because its not (well i do.. but you know what i mean).

Yes, I know what you mean....LOL
And Yes, I would say your correct on what to expect...And they Will help give you a sense of Wellness , they did that for me from the moment I started on them...I knew from that moment on that I was on the correct path..

So anyway, I thought I'd give you a few thoughts so you don't feel like your alone in this, many of us have crossed the path you are now faced with..
I don't know what else I can add now........., sorry, I'm tired...lol
ps, you should see a friend request on your fb..if you cant accept, that's fine too..
:hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

So the problems with transition are more social or physical?

If they are social, yeah you may have to move. I am guessing you live in a chav-infested town if you say unaccepting. the UK chav is similar to an american "wankster" or "redneck" (different things but equally problematic). If you were able to get to a bigger town that would help. Here in the USA - big city means diversity.

If they are physical, well some things I see are - you have a slender build so that should not be a huge problem. You would have to get those eyebrows done properly, and pick a hairstyle that could kind of disguise the forehead.

You don't really need a ton of money to begin transition. First - voice training is free. You may have to wade a lot of useless crap to find the jewels but it is out there. And it takes practice.
If you are cursed with a face shadow, you can tweeze the beard. Good light, tweezers, magnifying mirror, and make sure and wear your glasses if you have them, at least while tweezing.
And dare I say it but one doesn't HAVE to go thru all the expensive doctors and therapy to get hormones. Just sayin. proceed with caution if you do that.

If you are comparing yourself to some TS who are highly successful, consider this - some of them have/had a lot of money to just throw at transition. Some may have been lucky enough to start really young, like something-teen.

With "passing", if one just doesn't like me, the best thing is to dress and present as best you can, dress and act to blend in. You eventually get tired of hanging onto the nnervousness of "what if I don't pass?"

The thing to do is start working towards it now. It can take some time, you will suffer a lot of ego blows, but things eventually work out.

[RachelDee]

@Danni Bear

That is true I guess. The RLE seems like a 'right of passage' from what I can see (especially on the NHS route. It seems to be a 'test' to see if you are worthy of treatment). I will just have to see what happens.

Rejection, by society, family and friends is a big one. What's more are the questions of, if i did transition, and i was not passable, and family and friends rejected me etc. Would it all be worth it? Maybe id be happy with my self... but likley not if thats the result of it all. Will i ruin my life by trying to make it better.

I guess thats something many people may think of too.

@Karen564

Thanks :) dont worry you've said enough hehe thanks for being so thorough (and kind).

I did add you to FB, was not totally sure (because obviously no one has a clue about any of this -and a person im very close too uses FB a lot, and if this comes to be its going to change our friendship quite a bit so been feeling rather panicy about that). Im sorry if i dont comment on things and such. But i do appreciate the gesture and will be looking :)

@ Nicole Erin

Well Social and Physical. I am not sure how people will react, but its a small town. If i do, id be willing to bet im the "only TS in the village" lol. There is also a main school route through here and umm..... yeah to be honest i find teenagers intimidating now. So.... if im dressed as a female.....yikes. Plus young people seem to have this ability to 'see through' people.

Slender lol. Yep pretty much my entire life ive had the whole "thin" thing going on. It was another reason i was such an easy target, i was not very tall and rather slim. In this regard i suppose this is actually a bonus now. Eye brows are one of the things i want to change but know would be pretty noticable to everyone around me. My poor forehead lol :( yeah unfortunatly thats not a great feature and long hair would prob help hide it.

I have been trying to find voice training sites but none free. Most wanted me to pay for some CD/DVD or such.

Oh I am trying not to look at all the young TS's, thats the best way to feel like its too late & feel terrible :/

[Faith_G]

Oh, sweetie, you'll be OK. I looked at your pics and with a shave, some makeup, and a good wig you'll blend right in. :) Your face has a good shape and you have a small chin and nice lips, you'll really look quite female.

We are our own worst enemies when it comes to self image. I hid in the house for years for the same reasons you're hiding now. I was certain that everyone would see a man in a dress and that they would humiliate me or do violence to me. My face and body really haven't changed much, I look about the same now as I did a year ago when I started going out. What I saw when I looked in the mirror was a guy in a dress, the rest of the world saw a woman. They'll see a woman when you head out the door, too. :hugs:

[Karen564]

@Karen564

I did add you to FB, was not totally sure (because obviously no one has a clue about any of this -and a person im very close too uses FB a lot, and if this comes to be its going to change our friendship quite a bit so been feeling rather panicy about that). Im sorry if i dont comment on things and such. But i do appreciate the gesture and will be looking :)



No worries sweety,

And no need to panic, I'm not going to post anything on your wall that will give anything away...
Actually I have some totally straight 8 guy's as friends (who know my past) that don't have any other TS friends & they have had no negative reaction from their own circle of friends from when I comment on their postings...so their friends are none the wiser since I don't say I'm TS in my profile. I used to, but I've gotten past that, so just female now, as it should be.
But if he does ask ya what's up with the old hag, just say I have the hots for ya & you felt sorry for me...or something like that....lol
But even if he digs & sees some of my friends that wave the TS banner, so what really, what's he gonna accuse you of ? If he does, then he has issues..not you..
And if you can't handle that, then how would you handle coming out to live as a female..see what I'm saying?...ya gotta be strong girl....& remember, baby steps..
:hugs:

[RachelDee]

Thanku Karen564 :) ah well the friend in question is not a 'he'. It's a she. I have no clue how our friendship may change if I ever told her that im unhappy with my gender and am going to do something to change it. We are not in a relationship, bit we are very close -and borderline being more than friends. The situation is not a straight forward one though (is anything ever?) and now it's even less so. Don't really want to talk about this though :( hm.

I don't have any real male friends. I have one but he knows of this issue, and it was easier to explain to him, since he is gay and had a similar experience telling ppl close to him. Lots of ppl on my facebook added me from school though etc. Now that I think about it, as tiny as my circle of friends is, they are all female but one lol hmm. I'm always in the 'friend zone' with girls though (I'm not boyfriend material). This isn't important and I'm rambling now XD

I appreciate that Faith_G. I don't know if I'd be able to cover the hair on my chin/lip though. Whenever I shave, no matter how much I try it leaves 'stubble' on my chin and lip (and cheeks at the very bottom on the bone. My top lip is tricky to shave too as I'm an eczema sufferer and shaving it seems to turn it bright red and makes it feel sore (lol isn't life funny). Also I always seem to have what looks like hair just under the skin that I can't get. I wouldn't mind some facial hair removal (at worst, it just means I never have to shave as a 'man' again... that's a bonus). Don't know if my PCT? Would pay for that or not. I think in general I don't have 'tons' of facial hair so electrolysis/laser would probably not take too long (and so probably cost a lot less?).

My lips, my mother always said I'd make a good girl with my lips lol. They do seem quite puffy/big for a male. I think things like this led me to make the 'Hormone Imbalance' thread.

[Melody Moore]

My lips, my mother always said I'd make a good girl with my lips lol. They do seem quite puffy/big for a male. I think things like this led me to make the 'Hormone Imbalance' thread.

My girlfriend and other females I have met have always commented about my lips as well because they are very full lips & soft. Every girl I have ever kissed always said I was the best person they had ever kissed in their lives. I know that being a sensitive & responsive kisser is very important, but I also think this has something to do with why they say that as well - so you really should think yourself very lucky Rachel.

[danielleb]

Rachel, I just wanted to chime in here and say that I've been reading along through your posts, and I easily could have written a large portion of them. A large seperation is; you have a path to follow, so embrace that how ever dismal it may seem right now. I think as you open up to accepting yourself, you're just going through a flood of emotions, in addition to trying to reintegrate into the world, and this is causing you all the turmoil you're feeling right now. I know for myself I feel very manic as of late, and have to just stay in bed for a couple days and let it pass. Try to hold on to the general idea of what you're after, and follow it where it may lead. I understand the feeling of urgency (I'm trying to not let it get the best of me), but think about how long you've been on this earth, a year or two is only a small percentage of your life to commit to changing it from here on out. I definitely sympathize with not being able to accept compliments, and I think alot of that stems from in your own head you have never accepted yourself, so it really never mattered if anyone else did or not, as much as you may want them to.

At 31, I only wish I could go back to 28 and start down this road! So please, try to accept the things that you have going for you in your life, ignore the things that you feel are against you, time will sort them out, and let yourself emerge from your own head. You can clearly see the results of all of the years you've spent hiding from it, and I'm sure you don't want to supress it all again and emerge years down the road from now, just to go through this all again in a possibly more difficult scenario. I'm sure that there are plenty of people here to support you, and as you start to let yourself out, you can seek those around you that will be on your side, and you may be suprised just who those people turn out to be.:)