Where am I going?

[silverlee]

Hi, ok, kind of scared to jump in and say anything, I'm so strangely awed by the collection of amazing guys (and girls, and everyone else) here, their collective wisdom and strength is inspiring.

I guess I'm wondering if there is anyone here like me, I'm attempting a kind of natural transition, if such a thing exists...

I dont want to (at this point) go on T, I dont want lower surgery. I want to transform my body into the most masculine version of me that I can without these interventions, why, dunno, it just feels right at the moment. and this moment is all I can speak for.

I'm working on losing weight, I wear a binder and am waiting for an appointment with a phsycologist to discuss top surgery. I work out like crazy, at the gym most days, two hours, more, classes and strength training to build up muscle. I dont pass all the time, I need to make an effort, but the effort is often just as much about getting in the right headspace as anything physcial. I walk tall, try to project the masculinity I feel inside myself.

Mostly this is working, people have started to use the shortened version of my name, without me asking too, which makes me grin (internally) like a loon. I pass from time to time, I get sirred (ok, the moment I open my mouth most people catch on, but still, it's a good feeling) and it makes me feel good, better than good. it makes my day, or week, it can turn a bad day into a "I'm walking on the clouds" day. My family now buy me menswear and my amazing sister took me shopping for shirts :D

so yeah, I guess that's it in a nutshell. I feel a little as though I know where I'm going and a little as though I'm totally lost. I hope that someday my body and mind can get together, lol.

[mistunderstood]

Hi and welcome to the forum. We all wish the same thing here.

[Areyan]

welcome to the forums :D

i'm just coming out as trans-masculine myself. have no idea how far it's going to go for me but i am also pre-T, pre-op, just dressing and (now) wearing a binder. feels good, don't it? ;)

[Andy66]

Welcome, Silverlee. :wave:
I'm doing pretty much the same thing as you, but not going as all-out as you seem to be. I'm trying to get in shape (despite my irresistible attraction to snacks), working on my voice and body language, etc., but I'm not planning any surgery. Like you, I don't feel comfortable taking medications (T or anything else) if I can help it. I'm just doing the best I can with what I have. I love it too when I'm treated like one of the guys, which happens more and more as time goes on. :)

[silverlee]

thanks for the welcome folks...
it's nice to find a place to just be


feels good, don't it?

it really does, you're not kidding! it's the most liberating, confidence boosting, mood improving thing I've ever done.. the first time I wore a binder I felt, I just felt newly aware of how my body can be strong and a happy place to be.

Hi Andy, it's great to meet someone else doing kind of the same thing (hey, I'm a herd animal by nature I guess) I might not have worried so much about the top surgery, but having lost 18 stone over the last few years I'm left with skin problems that need reconstruction and I guess if they're knocking me out anyway... may as well wake up in a body I like better! the snacks are hard to give up, I swear I was comfort eating, it's a vicious circle, I ate because I hated myself, I got fatter (read curvier) hated myself more, ate more! as my curves dropped away it got easier and easier (on saying that the last couple of weeks have been tough) to keep going.

[Andy66]

You lost 18 stone? :eek: That's amazing! Good job! I've lost about 7, and still have a ways to go before I'm happy with my weight.

[Felix]

Hi there Silverlee and welcome to the board:):) we are a great crowd here and there's always someone who can help and more importantly someone who knows what ya going through and can relate to ya story.

Wow !8 stone what a guy that's amazing well done:) I started a bit like you wanting to do it as naturally as I could for lots of reasons. 3 years ago I started taking natural products which actually stimulated natural testosterone production in the brain it worked well for about six months then I realized I wanted more and that this just wasn't going to do it for me without becoming extremely expensive and by that time I was waiting to go on hormones through the NHS.

Yuppers I know that liberating feeling of the first time ya wear a binder its the most amazing feeling ever:) It sounds like ya family are kinda on board to which hopefully will help a great deal:) Well that's it from me for now if there's anything I can help with just shout k xx Felix :)

[Seamus_Jameson]

Awesome and welcome! Two hours, I'm jealous. College keeps me so busy that I'm lucky if I get twenty minutes in per day. Actually, I registered for Men's Weight Training in the spring, so if they don't kick me out, I'll get an extra two hours a week, anyway. I'm currently looking into taking hormones and I can't imagine having surgery at this point. I'm really proud of you for taking the hard road (and ultimately, the most satisfying). There's nothing quite like watching your body growing under your own power. Just don't neglect to eat! You probably have some issues about food, but just remember, you are eating to lose "fat" not "weight". For myself, treating meals and snacks as an extension of my time in the gym, handpicking the contents of my body, gives me a great sense of pride in my diet.

Congratulations on your family. It sounds like they are a very supporting bunch. Your post doesn't make it clear whether you've told them your trans yet. If not, I hope your folks are very understanding when you do tell them.

[silverlee]

yeah, the weight loss is still such a work in progress, and I'm glad to be nearing the end of the road with it! but if I haddnt done it I think I might have gone insane. my body was just so at odds with my brain and no amount of exercise was reducing its curvy stuff.

yep, the food issues are still there, for the last year I've lived on protien shakes and black coffee (supervised by a dr/counseller) plus occasional protien bars. I'm starting to reintroduce real food and am planning a protien rich diet, it really suits my body type I think, I was the original atkins believer. :D I plan to buy nice (and healthy, low cal) snacks and call it self care, something my counseller is big on as I tend to really neglect my body as I've had so much anger towards it, I think it's something I'll need to stay aware of though.

two hours is a bit ocd, lol, but I have a thing for rules, once I do say half an hour on the treadmill I'm not allowed to do less, only more each time... so yeah, it built up bit by bit. if they do bodypump in your area I'd try that,. nothing else builds/tones muscle faster as far as I can tell, I love it. everytime I work out I try to imagine it as wrapping a gift for my future self, after surgery I will have a body I can live with and it deserves a chance.
For myself, treating meals and snacks as an extension of my time in the gym, handpicking the contents of my body, gives me a great sense of pride in my diet. I think that's great, and an attitdue I could stand to adopt, thanks.

my family, it's complicated. we've never talked about me being trans, but they know not to buy me womens clothes/accesories. they love me for who I am and that's all I need for now. I brought it up in counselling today and it was the first time I've put a voice to these feelings, it felt good.

Felix, I dont know if I'll stay at this point of being natural with it, but I guess it's kind of like dipping a toe in the freezing water, I wish I was brave enough to just jump in, lol.

[Felix]

Hi there Silverlee believe you me you will know exactly when the time is right for you have no doubts about that my friend:) I can't wait to go back to the gym I'm missing it like crazy :) xx Felix

[7sisters]

:thumbsup: make fitness a way of life. Remember food advertising is bad for you. packaged food including your protein bars are not as good as making things from scratch. :rose: you should be proud of yourself.

[silverlee]

packaged food including your protein bars are not as good as making things from scratch. :rose:

lol, it's funny because I cook everything for the other people in the house totally from scratch! I'm looking forward to getting back to eating "real" food again, the bars and shakes were a speed thing... I really needed to get on top of the weight issues fast, it worked, I'm happy. but yeah, generally we do the organic/scratch thing, it just makes sense that healthy bodies need good fuel.

[Leo Lane]

Sounds good to me. Do what feels right to you; it's the only way to go. This is what transguys did through all the millennia before the miracles of modern medicine, so many a man has been there before you. I'm glad you're feeling good. Congratulations.

[metalguy639]

Hello silverlee! I'm late as usual and do not hang out much here anymore, but i just wanted to say that everyone's transition is different. What might be right for you may not be right for another person male or female. So if you feel more comfy just working out, losing weight & talking to a doctor, then that is the best line of action for you right now. When/if you feel differently down the road then that will be the right path for you then. There really is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition.