I said nothing...

[Stephanie Anne]

So I went to a fast food drive through for lunch today. No big thing...

There was a long line so I was waiting. Along comes this rather rotund man to the car in front of me. I knew what he wanted right away. Well the woman gives him some cash and he then proceeds to look me right in the eye and head over to my car.

I had my window down so there was no avoiding him. He was as polite as a homeless person gets pan handling and said "I mean no disrespect ma'am" and I told him right away I had no money and couldn't give him anything. I was courteous and apologetic. He asked me to get cash from the drive through and I said "sorry but they do not give cash like that".

I thought that was the end of that, he would leave me be.

Not so... As I am rolling up my window, I hear "Are you a man or a woman"? Now I don't have a masculine voice but my inflections often come off more masculine from years of living male and as such often are the biggest sign something is different about me. There was no reason to ask such a question aside from it was the first thing he could think of to piss me off for not giving him money. That or he lost his will to care and thought nothing of asking such an insensitive question.

What I wanted to do was tell him that was a hell of a thing to say. Instead I hid behind a plate of glass fuming at such an insensitive remark. My better judgment and experience has taught me it is often wise to avoid confrontation with those down on their luck. Something about not caring really can make a person go ape sh%^ when confronted.

I am not really devastated, more irritated I had no comeback and just let it go. It does piss me off that people like that have more freedom and respect than I, a trans woman, do.

Thank you for reading my rant, I felt I needed to put this here. This sort of thing still gets to me. It is like the few times I dress down and hear in ear shot the same question. It's like whispering in front of someone that their dress is hideous. you just don't do it.

[Jeanna]

You handled that situation in the best way that it could have been dealt with. Don't get too irrated as you know what level he's at.

[Felicity71]

It hurts a bit, you didnt do anything wrong by not commenting. He probably felt a fool after getting no reply. ive delt with it in a couple of ways. Working in my retail shop, I had a tourist from spain ask "forgive me, but are you a man or woman." i took a deep breath and was about to get flustered, then decided to give him an explanation. He wasnt rude, just very inquisitive. Maybe i educated him alittle on that.

[Melissa A.]

You can bet that if you gave him money, the question would never have been asked. Living where I do, I am not unfamiliar with being hit up for cash sometimes. Sometimes I do, sometimes I do not. But the best rule is to not get involved in a random stranger's life in any way whatsoever, especially one that down on their luck. That includes reacting angrilly to any precieved slight. It's just safer. Save your wit and wisdom for safer situations. I do understand why it bugged you for a while, though!

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[sandra-leigh]

Last week at the back of a nearby shopping center, as I was walking towards the cabs, an obviously underage obese boy asked me whether I had a cigarette I could sell him. I don't smoke and I am opposed to those who provide smoking to underaged, but I just told him, "Sorry no" and kept walking. He thereupon started saying in a loud voice, "You're a faggot", and "I hate fags", and even "I'd like to kill you". I walked on and did not turn around or acknowledge his words at all.

My impulse was to turn on him and say something like, "Oh no you don't, you love fags! Don't you know what fag means? Fag and Faggot are a British words that mean "Cigarette", derived from the appearance of cigarettes being similar to the appearance of bundles of sticks, which was the original definition of "faggot". You asked me to sell you a cigarette, so you are addicted to faggots! What do you think of that?!" But I decided that the effort wouldn't be worth my time, that he'd be unlikely to learn from it, that he would just continue trying to insult me and get a rise from me, and that the only way to "win" would be to refuse to play the game.

Possibly I "lost" from the point of view of some of the passers-by by refusing to defend myself, or by "acknowedging by not denying", but on the other hand, what kind of gentleman or lady turns upon a kid close to 4 decades younger? Damned if you do, Damned if you don't, to typical groups of onlookers. On the other hand, I'm not there for the on-lookers, and controlling my temper is a win for me.

[bobi jean]

I'm sorry, my card doesn't allow cash back, then, I"m a trans woman. all the explaination needed. If he does say anything else, HONK YOUR HORN one continous blast, a little trick that will cause him to retreat in a hurry. It draws a lot of attention from inside the building and panhandlers don't care for much attention. they are outside for a reason, and will be escorted off the property for bothering paying customers at the first complaint and a honking horn to draw attention is a complaint to management. next time, right before he/she gets to the front of your vehicle, honk the horn for a few seconds, see what happens.... works every time!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH, I forgot to mention the attention you will get to, but if you are good with it, I'll bet ya a burger and fries he/she won't be......

[tanyalynn51]

Stephanie, I work with the homeless now, and spent 17 years that way myself. You did the right thing on both counts- dont give money, and then dont confront. As to the first, if he says he's hungry, I would offer food, if there are no places in your area for them to eat. I know there are a number of them in Vegas itself, as I hitchhiked through there when I was homeless. In the long term, if you felt you wanted to give something somewhere, give it to them. On the second count, there are some very nice people on the streets, who would actually have a very low opinion of the way he acted. There are also some extremely dangerous ones, and a lot in between. I tell people to avoid confrontation. If that happens again, I know this may be hard as a person in transition, but draw attention to yourself if you feel threatened. Honk your horn, flash your lights, whatever it takes. Usually that will drive off people, as most homeless dont want to attract attention to themselves like that (that's one of the reason I survived 17 years out there- being good at keeping my head down). Hope this helps.

[dilane]

I answer that question from strangers with: I'm a woman.

In more sociable surroundings, I may say I'm TS, if the question comes up.

[Sarah Michelle]

"That or he lost his will to care and thought nothing of asking such an insensitive question."
I'm betting on this one...
That and life skills were never his strong suit....
You did right by not engaging.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Some of you gals have some weird experiences. I must live a sheltered life or have just been pure "lucky!"

[Jorja]

Some of you gals have some weird experiences. I must live a sheltered life or have just been pure "lucky!"

This is what happens when you fly above the clouds. :)

[tanyalynn51]

Some of you gals have some weird experiences. I must live a sheltered life or have just been pure "lucky!" Traci, I would at times trade mine for almost anyone elses. Even when I am at a place that can be considered safe, I am never truly relaxed. I would give anything to have a quiet life. Maybe I can go on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire and win it all. Ill transition, go buy a huge chunk of land around it, preferably in Oregon in the mountains, and live with the wolves. Im sure they wouldnt care about any of out genders, sexualities, etc.

[Kelly DeWinter]

"Are you a man or a woman"?

I think you did well, if it had been me I would have just said "yes"

[Melody Moore]

I think it come down to how well you pass. I've been living full-time for over 4 months now and I have only had 2 incidents when I've been out in public and it was way back in the beginning when my voice wasn't very good. I am sure on both occasions that it was my voice that gave me away. On one occasion when I was confronted after the guy who passed through the checkout in front of me overheard me talk to the cashier. But to cut a long story short, I made a joke of it with the girl who was serving me, so when she laughed along with me the bigot felt so embarrassed for say such a stupid thing that he ran away.

In the other incident was a trans-woman believe it or not who standing beside me waiting to be served. When I spoke to the cashier, this trans-woman with a very masculine face says to me 'You got the face of a man'. I replied 'And you dont honey?' I then pulled my drivers licence out of my purse and shoved it right in her face.... I said 'Now read it... what does my sex say?' and she replied 'Oh so you are a woman?'... I replied 'Yes, now get out of my face'. The cashier who served me then refused service to this very rude trans-woman & ordered her to leave the store.

I go about my business with lots of confidence now and my voice has improved a lot so I dont have any issues. Today I had to go see my regular GP and the waiting room was very busy, I sat down and noone looked at me twice. The doctor was running a little late, so I decided to go outside and have a cigarette. While I was outside having my cigarette, a nice looking guy in about his mid 30s was passing me by while saying 'hello' and giving me a wink. When I went to go back inside a guy also in is 30s was also entering the doctor's surgery and stopped and held the door open for me while saying 'After you madam', I said' Thank you' and went back inside.

Its those little things from these younger men that also give me lots of reassurance about myself at the ripe old age of 48. LOL

[Stephanie Anne]

I think it come down to how well you pass.

First off thank you to everyone.

MelodyN, I am not singling you out here but your comment brings up my point I make to any transgendered person I meet. The worst thing we do for ourselves, our community, our future, and those around us is trap ourselves into the hypocrisy of passing. We are sometimes so consumed with fitting in, hiding away, and denying our very transition, that we in effect, become our own worst enemy.

I learned something very valuable from my experience today. It was almost an epiphany if you will. There is no reason at all to not be proud of being a transsexual, irregardless of my gender. I will not deny myself being a trans woman any longer and will stop trying to focus so much on passing and blending into society.

Should a situation like this arise again, I know what to say... "I am a trans woman thank you".

I am a woman from birth but not from physical birth sex. I choose now to not let my femininity define me. By doing so, I am free to enjoy life without the hyper critical obsession with outward appearance.

And I like makeup, it's fun! :P

[Danni Bear]

While I was outside having my cigarette, a nice looking guy in about his mid 30s was passing me by while saying 'hello' and giving me a wink. When I went to go back inside a guy also in is 30s was also entering the doctor's surgery and stopped and held the door open for me while saying 'After you madam', I said' Thank you' and went back inside.

Its those little things from these younger men that also give me lots of reassurance about myself at the ripe old age of 48. LOL

Afraid that comment might make me look for a red light over my head. :eek: :tongueout

:hugs:
Danni

[Melody Moore]

The worst thing we do for ourselves, our community, our future, and those around us is trap ourselves into the hypocrisy of passing. We are sometimes so consumed with fitting in, hiding away, and denying our very transition, that we in effect, become our own worst enemy.


This sort of thing still gets to me. It is like the few times I dress down and hear in ear shot the same question. It's like whispering in front of someone that their dress is hideous. you just don't do it.

It sounds to me like you are still trying to convince yourself "I'm OK" and comfortable
in your own skin, but are you really OK when you admitted this incident got to you?

Stephanie, please understand this.... I have no issues at all with people knowing I'm a transsexual female, in fact Im very vocal in advocating for better health services for intersexed & transsexuals here in Australia. I am quite prepared & confident enough to even front the media if I have to and that might also be necessary at some point further down the track. But I also know that the better we do blend in the least we draw attention to ourselves & put ourselves in situations of unnecessary risk.

I am very confident because dress well and present well because I like to look good as a female for my own self-esteem first & foremost - I especially love the nice comments I get from other females & I don't have wear a lot of make up now to do that. I'm also hoping to get a job & return to work as a female, so I dont get around the streets looking like a bum by any means. Because I do go the extra mile the road for me is much easier. So the way I see it there is nothing wrong with taking pride on one's own appearance. But if I had issues or fears of being outed & couldn't deal with it confidently, I would most definitely do a little more try to blend in & would definitely make sure noone ever knew I was a transsexual female. But the couple of times I have been outed I did deal with it very confidently & those bigots that tried to stir me up paid the price.

Just be happy in who you are, happy within yourself, make up or no make up.... I like
make up too, especially if im going out at night, thats when I can really have lots of fun :)

[Stephenie S]

"Are you a MAN, or a woman?" is not a polite question.

If someone asks you this they are ALREADY being confrontational to YOU.

My advice? DON'T engage them unless you want to escalate the confrontation. Having a witty comeback is sometimes helpful to your own self esteem, but rarely useful within the encounter. The other person has already decided to engage you for what ever reason. If they are pan-handling they just want to intimidate you into giving money. If they are not, they may be just horribly insecure about themselves. Whatever, they have made the first move toward you. Unless you want a confrontation, just ignore them or leave.

If you can't leave, make as big a stink as you can quickly. Having your gender challenged is only ONE thing that will happen to you in this life. If you continue on your journey into womanhood you will encounter all SORTS misanthropic, boorish, and idiotic men who consider the sole fact that you are a woman gives them free rein to touch you, pinch you, ask you insulting questions, give you insulting compliments, and generally make absolute jerks of themselves.

Women have to deal with this ALL THE TIME. Get used to it. Welcome to the world of women.

As has been said already, a firm and secure belief in who you are will help immensely. And it does get easier as you go on. Good luck.

Stephie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Stephanie I think you need to make a further distinction that I am realizing as I continue on my transition..

it is human nature to want to be accepted, in fact embraced..this is different than being tolerated.. as a transsexual person, as a woman, as a woman raised as a man, as all of the above...i want to feel authentic and valid..

i don't think this makes me my own worst enemy, i think it makes me feel good about myself. i am proud to be a transsexual..to be myself, but i see no reason to tell the rest of the world this... and i enjoy the feeling of blending in and feeling like i am just like everybody else. some folks are activist types and enjoy pushing themselves into peoples faces and making their point..i don't.. i just want to work, take care of my kids and be myself...and as a woman i don't see how it helps me to tell people that i lived my first 45 years as a guy..

and to add one more layer to it...its a major financial risk to declare your transness ...many can keep their jobs but many can't, and when you are out in the world looking for work. being transsexual is a disadvantage.. if i lose a sale because i'm trans, thats food out of my kid's mouths ...

of course, some girls don't have the option to not say they are trans. this is an unfortunate truth for all of us..that we all can't pass all the time, and in the end, we can always be exposed by a gesture or google search..when that happens, i couldnt agree with you more....in that case, i take the position (like i do with my friends and family) that hey i'm here, this is me, and i'm happy about it...

I have heard many transitioners that are in their 2nd-5th year, they started out proudly and openly trans, and many wish they hadn't as they realize how much they treasure being just one of the girls..as i become 100% confident in myself as a person...i'm counterintuitively realizing that i like being a woman more than being a transwoman...and when i actively and proudly exclaimed I'm trans!! that it feels more like a phase I went through..i'm not denying my transition, i'm finalizing it.

[Melody Moore]

I have heard many transitioners that are in their 2nd-5th year, they started out proudly and openly trans, and many wish they hadn't as they realize how much they treasure being just one of the girls..as i become 100% confident in myself as a person...i'm counterintuitively realizing that i like being a woman more than being a transwoman...and when i actively and proudly exclaimed I'm trans!! that it feels more like a phase I went through..i'm not denying my transition, i'm finalizing it.

Kaitlyn, you make a very valid point, at the moment I'm proud to do my bit to help promote awareness, & improve anti-discrimination laws & health services as an activist, but I know that there will come a time I will want to take a huge step back from this as well and just blend into society and live my life in peace as a regular everyday female. My housemate did the same thing and appeared in newspaper articles (http://www.cairns.com.au/article/2009/10/31/73405_lifestyle.html) to help promote local transgender awareness & acceptance. Now that Robyn has now completed her journey and is fading into the background & is engaged to be married soon, I feel its my turn to step up to the plate and do my bit as well seeing how she has also helped me.

We are all different and some are stronger than others and can cope with the bigotry, while others cant. Our journeys are all heading in the same direction, but we all are on our own paths. Helping others gives my life some meaning now, something I really didn't have before I started my journey. Yes I can be brutal & frank, but that's me and the way that I am - but I'm honest and live my life for myself and noone else. So whatever way that Stephanie chooses to go, I respect her, as I do with all other transsexuals because it really is a brave step that takes tremendous amount of courage. So Kudos to you and all our other brothers & sisters.

[sandra-leigh]

"Are you a MAN, or a woman?" is not a polite question.

If someone asks you this they are ALREADY being confrontational to YOU.

I've had some people politely ask me whether I was male or female. Polite as in we were in level conversation and they were trying to understand, not trying to confront. Those were "educational opportunities". Not like the pushy pan-handler after Stephanie, or like the punk that yelled after me: such people don't want to understand.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

genetic woman and men can get asked if they are man or woman...its just a different terrible feeling for them ..can you imagine?

now i'm more of a one on one activist...i have come out to 100's of people privately...in the past, i have spoken to large groups of students and medical professionals. however, i also quietly live stealthily in plain sight, in the house i've had for 5 years, i just changed day by day...i drive my kids to school..etc..and i'm working on a career change, so now i have to decide whether to risk going for stealth (in the end, it is what it is...i'm not offering up the info, but its easy to find out my past) so its much more nuanced than passing is a trap, or passing is the holy graill....like EVERYTHING...its life...and iwonder if i should continue to give these speeches (next one is tuesday)...for now, i'm taking the chance..posting here all the time is taking a chance.

i remember when i started my finance career, my boss came to me and said that he'd like me to be the businessman on a deal, and that it was a big responsibility..i asked him what i needed to do...he said "everything"...and i asked what I needed to learn and know to do that, and he said "everything"...i never forgot that...and i think it applies to transition. and i think that we all look down this marathon like road in front of us and if only we could just know everything going in...because to us the business of our transition really ends up being everything

there are no absolutes for us and i'm like a broken record in saying that everything we do in our transitions is to try to improve our quality of life. often times, prior to transition, our quality of life is incredibly poor (even tho it doesnt look that way to others)...and within reason and without harming others, its reasonable to do whatever it takes...including obsessing about passing, including being an out and proud activist, and everything in between.. if in the moment, you get an epiphany, and you feel like its all sorted..be careful...tomorrow you may feel differently...it's been 10+ years since i've actually gone through a day without thinking about something related to my transness..but my job search has given me that gift...i get whole days where i'm just me!! doing what i do!! it's an incredible feeling..and i don't get to have it every day...i had to actually do this to understand it..and that's why i think passing is under rated and important....of course...that's today! who knows about tomorrow! LOL

[Stephanie Anne]

Melody, thanks for your opinion. I do take a little offense to taking what I wrote out of context and the two times I assumed you made a passive comment on appearance as it pertains to "passing" and my acceptance. I know you did not mean it as that but I did take it that way. I am "OK" with my self, who I am and what goes on with me to the extent of it does not interfere with my life. I would not be human if something like what happened did not bother me. How I have decided to handle it moving forward is what I care about.

This being said, I really value your opinion and experience.

Kaitlyn,

I so know where you are coming from. Perhaps I will eventually want to blend into the world as a woman. I feel at this point in my life (not necessarily my transition) that hiding in plain site does a disservice to both transgendered people and those who are not. I have the opinion that by not being open about being trans, we only continue to allow the negative stigma to exist.

Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate myself telling the world from a soapbox and to anyone I meet. Your example of losing sales is the very same reason I have told my work I have no intention of telling my clients I am trans. There is a time and place for everything, I just do not feel being stealth is my answer.

[Melinda G]

We tend to think everyone is like us. They aren't! The world is full of assholes, and you will meet several every day. If he had any brains, or anything on the ball, he wouldn't be in that situation. Just thank god every day, that you are not that guy. Must suck to be him. He gets paid back every day, more than anything you could do or say to him.

[Jorja]

First off thank you to everyone.

MelodyN, I am not singling you out here but your comment brings up my point I make to any transgendered person I meet. The worst thing we do for ourselves, our community, our future, and those around us is trap ourselves into the hypocrisy of passing. We are sometimes so consumed with fitting in, hiding away, and denying our very transition, that we in effect, become our own worst enemy.

I learned something very valuable from my experience today. It was almost an epiphany if you will. There is no reason at all to not be proud of being a transsexual, irregardless of my gender. I will not deny myself being a trans woman any longer and will stop trying to focus so much on passing and blending into society.

Should a situation like this arise again, I know what to say... "I am a trans woman thank you".

I am a woman from birth but not from physical birth sex. I choose now to not let my femininity define me. By doing so, I am free to enjoy life without the hyper critical obsession with outward appearance.

And I like makeup, it's fun! :P

YEA!!!!! Someone finally gets it!!!!!
Good for you Stephanie Anne. You will have a very successful transition with an attitude like that. Now, hopefully more here will read and understand.

Kaitlyn Michell, I also agree with your comments but I found that during my transition it was most important to become proud of who and what I was first and formost. Until I achived that about myself, I was my own worst enemy. It is a progression from one stage to the next. The feeling of wanting to be authentic and valid didn't come until almost the end of my transition. Then you move into where you seem to be entering now, stealth. Once you have disappeared into the mainstream of daily life as a woman and have achieved everything you want or needed to achieve, you may re-emerge with a need to help guide others along the way.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Stephanie;

He was homeless and you ignored your instinct to avoid those situations, and no it does not excuse the fact it was a rude question. And as far as your voice, there are plenty of women with a hint of a deep voice such as Kim Carnes and Marlene Detrich and Kat von Tesse, they ignored comments and went on to be very sucessful. I see your avatar with the playful wisp of hair and the mona lisa hint of a smile and I say put this behind you and hold your head high . :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Traci, I would at times trade mine for almost anyone elses. Even when I am at a place that can be considered safe, I am never truly relaxed. I would give anything to have a quiet life. Maybe I can go on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire and win it all. Ill transition, go buy a huge chunk of land around it, preferably in Oregon in the mountains, and live with the wolves. Im sure they wouldnt care about any of out genders, sexualities, etc.


Although western Oregon is indeed beautiful, I would not retreat to the mountains...you run a greater risk of becoming a charcoal relic like at Pompey.

Imagine, 1,000 years from now a tour group is looking at your ash covered preserved body and the tour guide states: "And ladies and gentlemen, here we have a transsexual woman preserved perfectly. Please do not touch her on the way out but pictures are permissible!

Sorry I had to add a little levity to this thread.

[Karen564]

"Are you a MAN, or a woman?" is not a polite question.

If someone asks you this they are ALREADY being confrontational to YOU.



I agree, it's an extremely rude question & shows no class...


You did the right thing Stephanie Anne on all counts...:hugs:

I've never been confronted with such a rude question such as that yet & hope I never do....But think I would handle it the same way & not bother to answer..& just ignore the jerk..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am enjoying reading everyone's experience. It's a good way to feel that I'm not alone.

I think to be clear Steph when i say hiding in plain sight, i am basically saying that i just am.. hiding is probably not the right word.... the rubber will meet the road when i find a job and i really don't know how i'll feel about being known as the company transperson....i went to a career coach and i told her i was trans (btw i floated home that day when she told me that she had no idea until i told her).. but when i interviewed i didnt tell them anything that wasnt asked...and i wasnt asked..hehe

it doesnt bother to be viewed as trans,but i have a preference to not be viewed that way.. being comfortable with who you are gives you the freedom to go either way i guess...

on the OP, has anyone here been asked by a NON bum whether they were male or female?? i'm not talking about being maamed or sir'd incorrectly..i'm talking about being asked...i have been incorrectly addressed, but never actually questioned..

[Kelly DeWinter]

It sounds to me like you are still trying to convince yourself "I'm OK" and comfortable
in your own skin, but are you really OK when you admitted this incident got to you?

Stephanie, please understand this.... I have no issues at all with people knowing I'm a transsexual female, in fact Im very vocal in advocating for better health services for intersexed & transsexuals here in Australia. I am quite prepared & confident enough to even front the media if I have to and that might also be necessary at some point further down the track. But I also know that the better we do blend in the least we draw attention to ourselves & put ourselves in situations of unnecessary risk.

I am very confident because dress well and present well because I like to look good as a female for my own self-esteem first & foremost - I especially love the nice comments I get from other females & I don't have wear a lot of make up now to do that. I'm also hoping to get a job & return to work as a female, so I dont get around the streets looking like a bum by any means. Because I do go the extra mile the road for me is much easier. So the way I see it there is nothing wrong with taking pride on one's own appearance. But if I had issues or fears of being outed & couldn't deal with it confidently, I would most definitely do a little more try to blend in & would definitely make sure noone ever knew I was a transsexual female. But the couple of times I have been outed I did deal with it very confidently & those bigots that tried to stir me up paid the price.

Just be happy in who you are, happy within yourself, make up or no make up.... I like
make up too, especially if im going out at night, thats when I can really have lots of fun :)

I think it's obvious from Stephine's original post, that she was looking for some comfort and support from her sisters requarding an ugly situation. I can't imagine her wanting to charge up the TS San Juan Hill after such an ugly encounter.

Giving HER affirmation and words of encouragement are probably the most important things right now instead of an "I","I","I" lecture.

Even a soldier in war who is wounded is taken back, given time to heal and comforted before being sent back on the front lines.

[Karen564]

on the OP, has anyone here been asked by a NON bum whether they were male or female?? i'm not talking about being maamed or sir'd incorrectly..i'm talking about being asked...i have been incorrectly addressed, but never actually questioned..

Nope, Never...

<Karen is now knocking on her wood desk...lol >

[sandra-leigh]

I've been asked by non-bums whether I was male or female, but usually in the tone of, "But you're a guy, right?" as part of a conversation. I don't think I've had a random person come up to me on the street or in a store and just come out and ask the question. I would, though, not be surprised if at some point someone (e.g., another customer) were to come up to me and say something like, "Excuse my curiosity; I don't mean to be rude, but I wonder if you would mind telling me whether you are male or female?"

I was asked rudely once by a non-panhandler, a very drunk and rather pushy fellow who was trying to "pick me up" at a bar; my answer to him was just "Yes" (that I was a man or a woman). I think, though, that he would count as a "bum" no matter how much money he had.

For the purposes of this discussion, keep in mind that I stopped wearing wigs about 1 3/4 years ago, and don't often wear makeup beyond foundation and lipstick -- and that for what-ever reason, very few people have any trouble connecting my "male" appearance to my "female" appearance.... even if they've only met me once before, a year earlier, in bad light. Do I have a scarlet letter written on me?

[Jorja]

I am enjoying reading everyone's experience. It's a good way to feel that I'm not alone.

I think to be clear Steph when i say hiding in plain sight, i am basically saying that i just am.. hiding is probably not the right word.... the rubber will meet the road when i find a job and i really don't know how i'll feel about being known as the company transperson....i went to a career coach and i told her i was trans (btw i floated home that day when she told me that she had no idea until i told her).. but when i interviewed i didnt tell them anything that wasnt asked...and i wasnt asked..hehe

it doesnt bother to be viewed as trans,but i have a preference to not be viewed that way.. being comfortable with who you are gives you the freedom to go either way i guess...

on the OP, has anyone here been asked by a NON bum whether they were male or female?? i'm not talking about being maamed or sir'd incorrectly..i'm talking about being asked...i have been incorrectly addressed, but never actually questioned..

The last time I was ever asked that question was about 6 months into my transition. I lived among some of our nations brightest minds and most observant people (CIA,FBI,and all thoes other letters) with my husband and neither they or thier wives ever once even hinted that there might be any suspicion I was not born a woman.

[Melody Moore]

Hi again Stephanie, no way did I ever intend to offend you and nor was I giving you an 'I' lecture. I was just pointing out some of the ways I deal with situations like this and also pointing something you did say for a better understanding - as a result I do understand your point even better now. My only intention was to help you to be stronger in these situations. As I already said bigotry is usually something we all have to deal with and you handled it quite well as far as I'm concerned.

There are some transsexuals who argue that we should blend right in and not be out in the open, almost like they are running from themselves. But being trans is part of the process we all have to go through. No sense in denying it & when you are confronted then it's up to you whether or not you want to turn it into an educational experience for those asking the questions. If they are polite to me in asking the questions, then I am polite in giving my answers, but if they are rude & obnoxious and appear to be going out of their way to embarrass me, then I don't mind putting them in their place and showing to them they have the real issues by using a more witty, humorous & confident approach. I'm sure there are those that have been talking behind my back & whispering about me too, but I ignore this banter and just walk tall with confidence & a smile on my face because I am proud in who I am... Just like Jorja was saying here....


I found that during my transition it was most important to become proud of who and what I was first and foremost.

I respect all other transsexuals because it really is a brave step that takes tremendous amount
of courage to be who we are. So everyone should feel proud of themselves from that fact alone.

[tanyalynn51]

Although western Oregon is indeed beautiful, I would not retreat to the mountains...you run a greater risk of becoming a charcoal relic like at Pompey.

Imagine, 1,000 years from now a tour group is looking at your ash covered preserved body and the tour guide states: "And ladies and gentlemen, here we have a transsexual woman preserved perfectly. Please do not touch her on the way out but pictures are permissible!

Sorry I had to add a little levity to this thread.

Lol!! Ok, ok, maybe that is a little extreme, but I still think wolves would be good company- I used to have a half-wolf half siberian husky- as much as one of them could ever be "mine". I got along better with him that almost any humans by far. And a transsexual forever immortalized? Im not sure where the downside of being that one is :D.

[Stephanie Anne]

Just want to be clear here. I so value all my sisters and brother's experience here so never let it be said I would ever say someone is wrong for their opinion. I might get a tad opinionated or mildly offended but that is just me being me and I get more out of someone with an opinion that those who just agree.

I have to say this has been most cathartic. Almost as good as a call home to mom to get the emotional equivalent of a warm chocolate chip cookie.

[katrinakat]

Choose your battles, sweetie. Is some pan-handler worth your time or money? Let alone make you feel ashamed and self conscious? Never

Look at the situation from a different perspective. The homeless, are perhaps, entirely more socially outcasted and stigmatized than us. They want to be treated like people, but to no avail. I assume that this person may have been out of line, so keep moving. If something was endearing then hand him a quarter with your pretty red nail (don't touch!) Treat those as you would like to be treated. And when disrespected fight or flight. In my experience having been in a total of 2 fights, I prefer to FLY. You'll be prettier and live another day!

[Sheila11]

IMHO there is a lot of overthinking and overanalyzing going on.

A lot of people in our world are stupid. Stupid is as stupid does.

The better woman will simply have a piece of chocalate and move on.

[Melody Moore]

Just want to be clear here. I so value all my sisters and brother's experience here so never let it be said I would ever say someone is wrong for their opinion. I might get a tad opinionated or mildly offended but that is just me being me and I get more out of someone with an opinion that those who just agree.

I have to say this has been most cathartic. Almost as good as a call home to mom to get the emotional equivalent of a warm chocolate chip cookie.
Personally I cant stand people who try and sugar coat things and tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I have no trust or faith in people like this. Personally I value people who are open & honest because you know where you stand with them. But having said that I have no time either for those that simply can't agree to disagree.

And don't worry, your not alone, my mother has often given me the sh*ts many times
with her verbal diarrhoea, but I feel a lot better after good old purge on this forum. :heehee:

[Hope]

on the OP, has anyone here been asked by a NON bum whether they were male or female?? i'm not talking about being maamed or sir'd incorrectly..i'm talking about being asked...i have been incorrectly addressed, but never actually questioned..

Nope... but sadly, I think that this is because there has never been anything ambiguous about my gender. Though I am getting "sir-ed" a lot more now that I am wearing make-up.

However, when it comes, and I am still in that stupid, giddy, hoping it will someday come stage, I hope that I treat it as a teaching moment and not as a personal attack. I generally try not to get too torqued over questions people ask - and certainly not questions that people honestly ask, or even those that they ask out of ignorance, not being aware that such a question is ... possibly offensive.

I hope the response to the question "Are you male or female?" is something along the lines of "Well, how do you mean?" Something that can spark a helpful enlightening conversation. But knowing me I will simply freeze and mumble something irrelevant, only to later come up with some witty retort.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah if a homeless guy is being an ass, it is kind of hard to really sy or do anything, I mean he is in bad enough shape as it is.

I don't get asked much the "man ro woman" questions anymore, usually just people assume I am woman. Either that or they are polite enough to see I present as such and go with it.

The real fun insults are the ones I have gotten a few times lately - "I knew this one TS woman but with her you could not even tell" or this one instructor at school that sees i present as female, knows my femme name, and still wants call me "sir" or by the guy name. When it is someone you know, it is more the pain in the ass than when it is some random passing stranger.

[Aprilrain]

Iwould have just said "why yes sugar" in my sweatest voice possible then ran over his foot!

Just kidding I would have done what you did. Roll up the window and ignore him.

I find myself asking myself what would a GG do in this situation. Well it depends on the GG. My wife wouldn't ever be mistaken for a man and if she was she would probably just laugh because it would be such an absurd notion. She is very petit and feminie looking. She is anything but demure though. I've had to get between her and the police before because she was working her way toward getting arrested. But I digress.

[Danni Bear]

Iwould have just said "why yes sugar" in my sweatest voice possible then ran over his foot!

Just kidding I would have done what you did. Roll up the window and ignore him.

I find myself asking myself what would a GG do in this situation. Well it depends on the GG. My wife wouldn't ever be mistaken for a man and if she was she would probably just laugh because it would be such an absurd notion. She is very petit and feminie looking. She is anything but demure though. I've had to get between her and the police before because she was working her way toward getting arrested. But I digress.

April,

Us small girls can be just as tough as anybody else. :eek:

Danni

[MarieTS]

True story. I had a similiar occurrence a little over a year ago. It was night time and I was dressed in pinstripe slacks, a turtleneck, and pumps---nice, but certainly nothing over-the-top-- basically office wear. I was fueling my car after just buying a few groceries at the self-checkout. A guy kept hitting me up for $ while I was waiting for my tank to fill. I couldn't go anywhere, so I just turned around and began going through my purse on the front seat. One potential complication was that my voice was incredibly hoarse from an oncoming cold. He wouldn't let up, so I turned, pointed my key/clicker/remote at him and in my gravelly, hoarse voice I told him to leave. I then pushed the panic button and the horn and headlights went nuts. He spun away and tripped over the pump curb during his hasty retreat. Another lady two refueling islands away yelled, "Way-to-go, I couldn't get rid of him." To this day I wonder which sound scared him most: The horn, or my voice :-)

[Melody Moore]

i turned, pointed my key/clicker/remote at him and in my gravelly, hoarse voice i told him to leave. I then pushed the panic button and the horn and headlights went nuts. He spun away and tripped over the pump curb during his hasty retreat. Another lady two refueling islands away yelled, "way-to-go, i couldn't get rid of him." to this day i wonder which sound scared him most: The horn, or my voice :-)

ROTFLMAO :rofl:

Who cares what worked? You got the result you wanted and that was priceless! :devil: