danielleb
11-16-2010, 03:26 PM
I've been contemplating for a while now who I should come out to, and when. I only have a literal handful of people left that even know I'm alive, so I'm pretty afraid to have to lose even one friend. I have been sort of prepping a couple of my childhood friends by tying up the leftovers of my life up until now, and making apologies where I felt the need, preparing to kill off the male part of me. In every e-mail or message, I am bursting at the seams to get this secret out of me, and try to move my life in any direction I can.
In all the thought I've put into this topic, I figured that attempting to come out to my adoptive mother would be the safest option. I perceived it as a no loss scenario. I have had no contact of any kind with her in over 16 years, and anticipated that in coming out to her I could at least offer her some explanation of my past actions, and offer minor reconcilliation. And were she to turn on me, there is no loss in what I didn't have anyway.
So I set out and called her last night, planning only to set up a time to meet with her in person. When she came to the phone, she almost immediately began to tell me that the tear in our relationship wasn't my fault, and that she was sorry for all of the yelling and anger of the past. Then she continued to tell me that she had been fighting skin cancer the past couple of years. She had been put on Prozac after being house/bedridden, and got sick and developed an infection and had to go back to the hospital, where she contracted the MRSA virus, and now several months later is just coming home from the hospital.
There I sat at an outdoor payphone, falling apart (I thought I had nothing left to break, haha). Not that I hadn't anticipated this to be an emotional phone call, but I really had no intention of talking at this point. She got onto the track of asking if I needed money, and this really irritates me. I don't understand the mentality of people that think actions are driven by finances. I have proven I'm an evolutionary failure, and indigent, but when I die, I know that I can rest with the peace that I have never been driven by money.
Anyway, somewhere around six dollars later, she says she doesn't want me to see her until April because she's afraid that she's still infectious, and wants to be able to get out of bed. I had let her know that I wanted to give her some explanation of past events and something more, and she kept pressing me to tell her over the phone, but I just wasn't ready to even attempt that conversation over a payphone in public.
So there's my first attempt at outing myself. Let's see what I can fail at today! It's funny to think how my family is locked in a three way race to the grave, and there are no favorites at this point. I was convinced that aside from being homeless, I had pretty much scraped the bottom of the barrel, but now the bottom has fallen out and I can't even see the bottom anymore.:)
In all the thought I've put into this topic, I figured that attempting to come out to my adoptive mother would be the safest option. I perceived it as a no loss scenario. I have had no contact of any kind with her in over 16 years, and anticipated that in coming out to her I could at least offer her some explanation of my past actions, and offer minor reconcilliation. And were she to turn on me, there is no loss in what I didn't have anyway.
So I set out and called her last night, planning only to set up a time to meet with her in person. When she came to the phone, she almost immediately began to tell me that the tear in our relationship wasn't my fault, and that she was sorry for all of the yelling and anger of the past. Then she continued to tell me that she had been fighting skin cancer the past couple of years. She had been put on Prozac after being house/bedridden, and got sick and developed an infection and had to go back to the hospital, where she contracted the MRSA virus, and now several months later is just coming home from the hospital.
There I sat at an outdoor payphone, falling apart (I thought I had nothing left to break, haha). Not that I hadn't anticipated this to be an emotional phone call, but I really had no intention of talking at this point. She got onto the track of asking if I needed money, and this really irritates me. I don't understand the mentality of people that think actions are driven by finances. I have proven I'm an evolutionary failure, and indigent, but when I die, I know that I can rest with the peace that I have never been driven by money.
Anyway, somewhere around six dollars later, she says she doesn't want me to see her until April because she's afraid that she's still infectious, and wants to be able to get out of bed. I had let her know that I wanted to give her some explanation of past events and something more, and she kept pressing me to tell her over the phone, but I just wasn't ready to even attempt that conversation over a payphone in public.
So there's my first attempt at outing myself. Let's see what I can fail at today! It's funny to think how my family is locked in a three way race to the grave, and there are no favorites at this point. I was convinced that aside from being homeless, I had pretty much scraped the bottom of the barrel, but now the bottom has fallen out and I can't even see the bottom anymore.:)