Spent the Night with 12 Lesbians and NOW My Wife is Upset

[Traci Elizabeth]

Yes, it is true.

Last evening early until around 10:00pm, I was at a social gathering with 11 other lesbians with myslef making the even dozen. It was given by my new church and we talked, ate, and drank alcoholic beverages (within in church itself) and played all sorts of "games" and laughed continuously.

All the 11 other girls accepted me with very welcoming arms. And all of them talked to me non-stop. I came home horse from talking so much and laughing so much.

We where having all sorts of "girl" talk including "boobs," "sex," and other non-mentionable topics.

Several of us at a time would go to the "Woman's" bathroom and all the girls just accepted me as one of them.

The whole night was so surreal!



WELL NOW COMES THE DEFLATE YOUR UTOPIAN WORLD end to my night:

I come home and my wife greats me. She immediate sensed I had perhaps more wine than I should have and I was talking a 1,000 miles an hour.

So my wife asked me how it went. Without hesitation I "blurted out" that oh it was so great and we talked about our partners, sex, and all kinds of stuff.



That put an immediate halt to my free flowing non-stop rambling when my wife challenged me with with this:


What do you mean you talked about your partners? "well yea, we were all talking about our partners."

Didn't you tell them I'm NOT you partner but your wife? "No."

Why not? "I don't know, they just felt sorry for me."

What do you mean they felt sorry for you? "Well we were talking and I told them you were STRAIGHT and did not want to come because you did not want the label of lesbian attached to you."

Go on! What else did you say about me? "Well, I told them that you were still uncomfortable being affectionate with me in public like holding hands, or kissing and they felt so sorry for me."

Well why don't you just take your lesbian girlfriends and yourself and sleep in the front bedroom tonight. I am SO glad you had so much fun and felt compelled to seek their sympathy for me being such a "BAD, UNCARING, UNLOVING" wife!!!!!!!!

I just turned around and went to the front bedroom and fell asleep.

So I guess I am in the "doghouse" for some unspecified period of time. And I was having so much fun and was so happy!!!!!!!!!!

Such is life! (BUT it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out I really screwed myself on this one by opening my mouth!)

Anyone have a spare bedroom? :straightface:

[Melody Moore]

We all need that type of affection in our lives Traci, if she doesn't want to give it to you then that is her problem. There is more to being a 'wife' than just sharing your life, domestic chores & finances and it definitely sounds to me like she is taking all she can get without giving by claiming only to be your wife and not your partner. I think your wife's sexuality is being challenged & he feels threatened by that. You are starting to have a life that she isn't willing to give you a proper life, so I say 'tough to be her' - Either she starts giving or you might have to go looking elsewhere.

Maybe its time that such issues were brought to a head.

[Traci Elizabeth]

,, she is taking all she can get without giving by claiming only to be your wife and not your partner...

My intent was not to paint my wife with a negative paint brush because she has been and is a very supportive and loving wife. I was using the term "PARTNER" in the context of a lesbian partner which most of the gals had last night (although not with them at the social). MY wife most definitely sees herself as my life's "partner." It is her being labeled a lesbian that is at issue and thus far has caused insecurities in her showing affection in public.

Although she is "slowly" moving forward at a snails pace but forward nevertheless. My wife tells me she is still adjusting and she just needs more time to gain the comfort she needs in public. But in her defense, I must state that she holds a very professional position, runs a company, and is known by many and NO ONE in her profession or business circles knows about me yet. Even I acknowledge that such open revaluation could cause concern and lost revenue.

Rarely in life are things "simple" even though we would like them to be.

Nevertheless, my thread was a sort of confession of how I stuck my foot in my mouth before even thinking about what I was saying, not a condemnation of my wife.

[Brooke Smith]

Traci,

What happened was totally predictable. You went out and had a great time and your wife,who isn't comfortable in that type of setting stayed home and had none. No one likes to be excluded from the good times and clearly she was,even when it was her choice to stay home. Sounds like a perfectly normal wife's reaction to me.

From the things you have said in the past,you sincerely love your wife.Now make the extra effort to show her that you truly do.

[Melissa A.]

I think...this is much smaller than what you and she have already experienced. But girl, you really spilled the beans! Her being a sometimes topic of conversation between you and your new girlfirends is not surprising or even on some level, unforgivable....if she found out in a year or two!!!! But telling her about that? Before she has established any sort of relationship with or even met any of them? Hoo Boy. Think maybe you should get a few days worth of wardrobe and bring it out by the sofa, sister! Hope it blows over soon.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Traci Elizabeth]

I think...this is much smaller than what you and she have already experienced. But girl, you really spilled the beans! Her being a sometimes topic of conversation between you and your new girlfirends is not surprising or even on some level, unforgivable....if she found out in a year or two!!!! But telling her about that? Before she has established any sort of relationship with or even met any of them? Hoo Boy. Think maybe you should get a few days worth of wardrobe and bring it out by the sofa, sister! Hope it blows over soon.

Hugs,

Melissa:)


You are so RIGHT! What on earth was I thinking? That's probably it, I wasn't!

[Marissa]

"Nevertheless, my thread was a sort of confession of how I stuck my foot in my mouth before even thinking about what I was saying, not a condemnation of my wife."

Oh yes, Traci, you definately put your foot in your mouth :) and can see you are accepting the punishment so well.. hmmm how long before you kneel at her feet and ask for foregiveness????? :)

But she did pull a good one on you, in knowing you were buzzed and asked the inevitable question "how did things go?". An open door for that foot, which you gladly accepted. And even to use those words that any SPOUSE hates to hear as a subject of discussion when not present.. Our SO, Sex, and other stuff.

What other stuff?????? :heehee: And to be referred as a Partner...hmmm my :2c: on that and why it might have been hurtful to her.

Partly due to being referred as a Partner in same lights as being in a gay/lesbian relationship. Not a bad thing except when you are a wife or husband..since its not a 'partnership', its a marriage, bound by law and religion (for some).

So Wife holds more of a 'stronghold' then a Partner.. I know there will be disagreement and rightly so..we have our own thoughts. Yes, she is a 'partner in your life' but that is not the same reference of mind. When any of the lesbians are legally married, will they still say Partner? or will it be Wife???? and get upset if someone says Partner???? I'll say yes.

And then to talk about sex..that is added fuel.. :)

So what have we learned, Jeti Warrior????? You have to be careful of the trip wires.

Hugs,
Marissa

[Inna]

Baby, truth is the water of life, and if this truth unsettles those who do not understand then they them selves dwell in the world foreign to the truth. Take your time and bruises you will collect along the way but know one thing, stay the course of love, it is the only way, no regrets! The path is yours and only yours if it is meant then your wife will open her heart and absorb your love just as you are and walk along but accept, this truth may lead you places you find tough and unwelcome yet it is your path and embrace what comes even when mind and thought will betray. At the end you will see that love and truth sets us free!

[7sisters]

This sounds like my parents. They too find anything and everything to debate/bicker about. Next time I guess whats happening in the house should maybe stay in the house. This is okay. It is a very normal fight. Dont drink. Say sorry to your wife. Dont worry. for how long can she remain angry.

[Jorja]

Oh girl, you did mess up! Pink Fog srtikes again! Want some salsa with thoes Dori-toes? :D
I am sure it will blow over with some time and effort on your part. Lets see... Roses.... pedicures.... manicures..... making dinner for her.... clean the house..... laundry...... tell her I love you 50 times a day.... you got your work cut out for you.

Good Luck!

[Kelly DeWinter]

I LOVED the story , because it was so obvious you WERE going to be in the doghouse. I'm going to send you some scooby snacks, it looks like you'll be ther awhile.

By the way you have a naturlal storyteller style are you a writer perchance ?

Kelly

[Pythos]

You know. I freaking hope that when or if I get married, I will refer to my wife as.....MY WIFE.

I think this was the fail point for you. You refered to your wife as your "Partner"

Why those ladies at that gathering were refering to their SOs as "partner" is also perplexing. Why not "girlfriend"

Partner for me referes to non intimate connections (yes I know that lately it has been used in relation to intimacy).

I would be proud to say I was married to a wonderful woman, even while I looked completely fem.

[Kelly DeWinter]

""Either she starts giving or you might have to go looking elsewhere."


There is not one spouse or SO who would not take offense at such a ridiculous remark. Have you ever considered what it's like for the spouse or SO of a TG person ?

[Chickhe]

I would not appreciate my wife talking about private matters or issues with our relationship with anyone else. It is just not their business. You should appologize to her and just tell her you got carried away by their openness. Tell her something funny that happened so she can feel part of the fun. Maybe she wanted to go with you?... or she is worried about competition (that these friends will take you away from spending time with her)?

[Stephanie Anne]

Sounds oh so scandalous. I think you may have made her feel uncomfortable. I know I would be disagreeable if my spouse would have spent the evening talking to strangers about our personal business (I would be eying his balls the entire night should such a thing happen!). Then again I am an insecure little girl inside who does not want to share my intimate moments with the world.

My advise is to hide in a corner for about a week and say you are sorry.

[Karen564]

WOW Traci,

When you go for the doghouse, you go all the way !! ....lol

I don't know you & your wife personally/face to face, but this is my personal thoughts/impressions about it.

I do think you know exactly where you went wrong in your conversation wife your WIFE........ If I was her shoes, I can assure you that I would of had the same questions & reaction towards you........and what you said, would of really hurt me emotionally, and think what cuts the deepest, is not being acknowledged your wife, that's the #1 thing in my book ! I'm not sure I can put it into words, but there should be a sense of great pride when one talks about another's partner, such as, This is MY Wife, This is MY Husband.......as far as speaking for her about how she feels about you in public & talking about private matters between you & her to your new lezzie friends is also not good, it's in a sense, a form of betrayal. But fortunately for you, I think it's all repairable...I know your a very compassionate & loving spouse that never really meant her any hurt or disrepect...All that happened was you were caught up in having such a great time that you weren't immediately aware she may of been already primed & ready for you when you got home....and you failed by answering the 1st question wrong...after that, it's all down hill from there...
I have a feeling she had some deeply emotional thoughts & feelings going through her head as you were getting ready & then saw you out the door that night or before ?
But think you know exactly what's going on...because your not getting blinded by the pink fog, right ? or are you ?

And yes, I have a spare room, but that's reserved for my daughters...so I'm sorry, I can't have you there, but then again, that would be for the best, since I really don't think I need a breast exam every hour on the hour every day .....LOL

[Traci Elizabeth]

WOW Traci,

When you go for the doghouse, you go all the way !! ....lol

I don't know you & your wife personally/face to face, but this is my personal thoughts/impressions about it.

I do think you know exactly where you went wrong in your conversation wife your WIFE........ If I was her shoes, I can assure you that I would of had the same questions & reaction towards you........and what you said, would of really hurt me emotionally, and think what cuts the deepest, is not being acknowledged your wife, that's the #1 thing in my book ! I'm not sure I can put it into words, but there should be a sense of great pride when one talks about another's partner, such as, This is MY Wife, This is MY Husband.......as far as speaking for her about how she feels about you in public & talking about private matters between you & her to your new lezzie friends is also not good, it's in a sense, a form of betrayal. But fortunately for you, I think it's all repairable...I know your a very compassionate & loving spouse that never really meant her any hurt or disrepect...All that happened was you were caught up in having such a great time that you weren't immediately aware she may of been already primed & ready for you when you got home....and you failed by answering the 1st question wrong...after that, it's all down hill from there...
I have a feeling she had some deeply emotional thoughts & feelings going through her head as you were getting ready & then saw you out the door that night or before ?
But think you know exactly what's going on...because your not getting blinded by the pink fog, right ? or are you ?

And yes, I have a spare room, but that's reserved for my daughters...so I'm sorry, I can't have you there, but then again, that would be for the best, since I really don't think I need a breast exam every hour on the hour every day .....LOL


All of you girls are right and I know it! I knew it too the moment I opened my mouth. I am simply "Guilty as charged!" I have no defense. This was so out of character for me that I can't explain why I was so stupid myself.


Karen, as always you are the "Great Sage" always expounding such an assembled body of deep probing truisms.

I, unfortunately, am going to have to agree with your last comment as well as my hands are so soft and silky, I would hate to get calluses on my finger tips and palms. :heehee:

[Babeba]

aww, Traci! I can see both the fun side of your night, and also why your wife got to be upset. I probably would have, too. I suppose one of the things is, the lesbian experience is a bit different than the lesbian TG experience. Perhaps next time you get together with your girlfriends you could mention that the way your wife has seen you through thick and thin, and sees the person you are rather than just the exterior - and how she's dealing with being straight in a relationship with another woman - is something amazing to you (as I assume it is, from your posts). I don't think your wife would mind hearing that you've complimented her behind her back!

[Karen564]

All of you girls are right and I know it! I knew it too the moment I opened my mouth. I am simply "Guilty as charged!" I have no defense. This was so out of character for me that I can't explain why I was so stupid myself.


Karen, as always you are the "Great Sage" always expounding such an assembled body of deep probing truisms.

I, unfortunately, am going to have to agree with your last comment as well as my hands are so soft and silky, I would hate to get calluses on my finger tips and palms. :heehee:

I think you'll patch things up & be fine... and use this as a learning experience....We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect.. :hugs:

Thanks for the compliment, that's an honor...I think...
I don't know exactly why I am the way I am or why I say/write what I do..,,But it could be that comes from possibly living one too many past lives.....Did you know I was also Clairvoyant ? but fortunately that has been fading more as I've gotten older..it's always freaked me out as much as it does the people around me..plus it never did me any good, since I could never see the winning lottery #'s ...LOL

Hmmmm:o, Your silky hands on my silky breast, not sure which would callus 1st, your hands or my boobs...lol

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hmmmm:o, Your silky hands on my silky breast, not sure which would callus 1st, your hands or my boobs...lol

Ok, OK you two, get a private thread already !

[7sisters]

Traci I like you. You amuse me no end with your stories that you narrate so well. I enjoy reading! You should have been my baby sitter when I was small.

[Felicity71]

There is not one spouse or SO who would not take offense at such a ridiculous remark. Have you ever considered what it's like for the spouse or SO of a TG person ?

I totally agree with you Kelly. Very ridiculous.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That was a good story very well told..i agree!!

Many times i've seen people equate the unconditional support of a loving spouse for "yay!! now i can do whatever the heck i want to do!! and if my so doesnt like it, then she is not supporting me!"..

i don't think you did that at all traci.. I think you just had a wonderful night and did some overcommunicating when you got home.. ..

[donnalee]

It's time for flowers, chocolates and heartfelt apologies. You really screwed up. The person who goes through life with you HAS to kinow that there are some things that just belong to the 2 of you alone, and you violated that. There is one thing anyone who aspires to a long term relationship must memorize and repeat like a mantra; "Yes, dear." It is mandatory; you can't win and you DON'T want to get out of the game!

[ReineD]

Traci,

I'd be deeply hurt if I was in your wife's shoes.

You may be getting prepared to stop being called her husband. That's fine. But what makes you think she no longer thinks of herself as your wife?

This is no way to bring something like this up, not to someone who's standing by your side like this.

I'm sorry, but pink fog isn't the word for what you're going through.

[Sammy777]

Wow !!!

You really screwed the pooch on that one didn't you, and on sooooo many levels.

Looks like you will be spending a few nights next to it in the doghouse too. :)

[Kathryn Martin]

Tracy, this misstep has impacted your wife in a most fundamental way. While we transsexuals are prepared and ready to transform ourselves for our spouses this is the one area where they are in dilemma of either loving us and be perceived as someone other than they are, namely a lesbian, or leaving the relationship. Our sexual orientation is one of the most basic self identifications aspects and having to change it is a very difficult and huge mountain to climb for our spouses.

I believe your first clue should have been when she told you she would not attend with you because she was uncomfortable being around lesbians. That, in my view is where the misstep happened. What you said afterward really just was the catalyst to express extreme disapproval. In addition, spending a fun night with 12 lesbians, having a good time and talking to them about this really sore point that your wife is trying to resolve for herself became a breach of trust. I am with Reine on this one, while the idea of a giggly night with the girls may be a great idea in your head, the whole affair must have been so threatening to your wife on so many levels. On this one you have a lot of trust to earn back.

I love you anyway and hope that you'll find a way to make your amends.

Kathryn

[Areyan]

:yt: everything Kathryn Martin just said up there. your wife is dealing with the orientation issue surrounding being a wife of a TG person so it was rather insensitive of you from the get-go to be spending such a night out drinking with a lot of lesbians... errr, aren't you in effect asking your wife to be lesbian with you and here you are going out with ladies of this orientation in this environment without your wife? i understand it was probably perfectly innocent in your eyes but i can see how this would hurt your wife. the fact that she refused to go should have meant something to you. trust me this was not a wise thing to do...

this goes beyond pink fog, i have no words.... :eek:

[Melody Moore]

Hi Traci

Please accept my apology for my insensitivity & understanding of your situation as I have been
going through one of the roughest patches in my life in the past couple of days. However this is
something that most people on this forum could never hope to understand. Only one person on
this forum has any idea of what Ive been going through because they are dealing with it as well.

but that doesn't give me an excuse for being so selfish, do please forgive me :hugs:

[Jay Cee]

I can understand (to some extent) why she is hurting. However, unless you did something really bad (like being an axe murderer), there is absolutely NO reason why you should have to sleep anywhere but your own bed. That stereotypical behaviour (dragged on for decades by movies and television) should not be tolerated.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Hi Traci

Please accept my apology for my insensitivity & understanding of your situation as I have been
going through one of the roughest patches in my life in the past couple of days. However this is
something that most people on this forum could never hope to understand. Only one person on
this forum has any idea of what Ive been going through because they are dealing with it as well.

but that doesn't give me an excuse for being so selfish, do please forgive me :hugs:

Melody, Accepted. We all are dealing with difficult issues that affect each day differently. I think we all on here have a unique bond despite agreements, disagreements, moods, or anything else that is troubling us.


I can understand (to some extent) why she is hurting. However, unless you did something really bad (like being an axe murderer), there is absolutely NO reason why you should have to sleep anywhere but your own bed. That stereotypical behaviour (dragged on for decades by movies and television) should not be tolerated.


Jay, I can not agree with you on this. I deserved what I got.





To All My Friends Here!

I hope that you all realized that my Title for this thread was an attempt to get as many of you as possible to read what happened Wednesday night.

It was more of a confession to all of you of how insensitive I allowed myslef to befall to the one person who has stood by me since day one - my wife.

With very few exceptions, I agree with all of your judgments and condemnation of my actions.

I have sincerely apologized to my wife and am now back in our bed. Did I do any damage? I am sure I did and as many of you have said, I am going to have to work hard to gain her full trust again.

Just know friends, that I did not do this horrible deed out of malice or an intent to hurt my wife. I would never intentionally do that. I had a moment of weakness and involved my loved one, my "wife!"

So, feel free to honestly express your feelings about this as your comments have been not only deserved but respected and cause for reflection upon myself.

Traci

I have sincerely apologized

[Kelly DeWinter]

Traci,

What a lovely ending !:D Give your wife a hug for us.:cheers: If you wife forgives you then we forgive you too ........... but we will be watching you !:eek: LOL:D

[ReineD]

Traci,

I'm sorry if I came off so stern. I know this is hard for you too, and I'm sure you're handling it in the best way possible for the both of you now. :hugs:

[Traci Elizabeth]

Traci,

What a lovely ending !:D Give your wife a hug for us.:cheers: If you wife forgives you then we forgive you too ........... but we will be watching you !:eek: LOL:D

Kelly, Thank you and by all means keep a close eye out on me I need all the help I can get (smiling)!


Traci,

I'm sorry if I came off so stern. I know this is hard for you too, and I'm sure you're handling it in the best way possible for the both of you now. :hugs:

Reine, I did not take your words as too stern, they were sincere and you are right. Hugs, Traci

[jackielou]

well just do do it again ,i would not know how to be if i had a wife that just understood and acepted me like yours does ,include her and love her she is your wife soulmate and friend when no one else is there to defend and stand by you not like mine who left me over my softer side at home .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

whew..

knowing how thoughtful you seem here i couldn't imagine that things would get better.

I hope you and your wife continue to work out a great relationship

you are very lucky to have her and she is lucky to have you.

[Traci Elizabeth]

you are very lucky to have her...

Yes, I count my blessings each day. I doubt I would have half the strength you gals have without her support.

[MJ]

we all make mistakes no body's perfect, sure wish i was at that church meeting. right now you need to work on your forgiveness. get her flowers something she would like, oh and one thing girls love to do is talk. so start talking to her get your feelings out there tell her you love her and work things out.

[Danni Bear]

Traci,

From reading all your posts I know that you love your wife deeply as she does you.

This time though you just did not think. A wife does not want their other half to talk about them or their affairs to others. It wouldn't have mattered if it had been to a bunch of male friends from work or in your case to a group of females. The result would be the same. You broke a bond between the two of you. Time and love will heal that breach. Partner,SO,WIFE,Husband have all become synamous to each other over the last few years that they get used without thinking. There are major differences in them all at times. She is your partner in life,the significent other,but first and foremost she is your WIFE.

:hugs:
Danni

[Areyan]

Traci, my comment was also not made in malice but mere shock at such an event happening. i felt for your wife as i'm sure you are feeling... from your posts that i have read you do seem to love your wife very much and i hope that even though this was an upsetting moment for you both that the lessons learned from it strengthen your bond rather than sever it. it's so difficult to nurture a relationship while in transition, so i feel for you both and hope such a mistake doesn't occur again. give her lots of support, i really hope your boundaries are re-established with each other now and the trust builds up again.

:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I hope you get invited back in the rear bedroom soon. Transitioning is very hard and things happen that will change everything. I hope you are able to work things out with her and this blows over soon.

[Marie-Elise]

.... WTF? I mean, to me it sounds like you basically said everything that could be said to put you in the doghouse. You might want to buy her something expensive and ask forgiveness. I know we dress like girls here but we might want to keep some of that male intuition about how not to screw things up. Then again, you were drunk...shake it off.

[7sisters]

this thread is rich with different perspectives. Thanks Traci. Growing up with gay people, I use the word partner too. Girlfriend seems too frivolous and wife is a word that seems from my grandparents generation. I feel shy and embarrassed use it. To me words like husband and wife are really alien. I prefer partner. It's serious and practical.
Today marriages and relationships are not stable. I dont know how long my marriage will last so why start using the words husband and wife. Tomorrow I might un-husband the man I legally wedded. Or he might un-wife me.
My mother who is a decade older than you, Traci, just never gets it when I tell her things like this. And your wife is I guess like my mom. 'Wife' as a word, puts her in a traditional role she has grown into for years and identifies with. Wife is not what she is. It is who she is.'Partner' was used by gay people as a way to break free from the traditions and norms of a hetero-relationship. If someone said do you want to be my 'wife' I'd feel threatened. It's really so amazing how LGBT binds us together but at the same time we have different perspectives. Wow.

[donnalee]

this thread is rich with different perspectives. Thanks Traci. Growing up with gay people, I use the word partner too. Girlfriend seems too frivolous and wife is a word that seems from my grandparents generation. I feel shy and embarrassed use it. To me words like husband and wife are really alien. I prefer partner. It's serious and practical.
Today marriages and relationships are not stable. I dont know how long my marriage will last so why start using the words husband and wife. Tomorrow I might un-husband the man I legally wedded. Or he might un-wife me.
My mother who is a decade older than you, Traci, just never gets it when I tell her things like this. And your wife is I guess like my mom. 'Wife' as a word, puts her in a traditional role she has grown into for years and identifies with. Wife is not what she is. It is who she is.'Partner' was used by gay people as a way to break free from the traditions and norms of a hetero-relationship. If someone said do you want to be my 'wife' I'd feel threatened. It's really so amazing how LGBT binds us together but at the same time we have different perspectives. Wow.

Let me add to this post, if I may. My SO and I met each other in the mid 60s; we've been together ever since, with at least one long separation of a few months. We never married; she had gotten out of a bad marriage a while before we met, I had run screaming from an engagement to a perfectly wonderful woman, the thought of a lifetime commitment scaring the hell out of me. So we decided to be together for a day, a night, an hour; the fact that we were there at all meant a renewed commitment every minute. There were various different terms for our relationship; "old lady-old man", "girlfriend-boyfriend", "lovers", "living together", "shacked up", "common law wife-husband", some of them denigrating, some lurid, and all of them cumbersome. We usually would introduce each other by our first names, to avoid having to use these terms to describe our situation. In the early 80s we started a business and became business partners, so we started to use "partner" for each other, mainly to avoid having to educate the clueless. Some years later, when the law changed to allow it, we became "registered domestic partners" in order to get her on my medical insurance and that is our current status. We're still together, as much as her Alzheimers allows. "Partner" or "SO" for short always struck me as an apt description for the person you choose to go down life's road with.

[Hope]

I always feel like I am the one calling "shenanigans..." but I have to say that I don't get what your wife was so snippy about. Well, truthfully I think I do get it - but I don't think it has to do with what she says it was about. Bear with me. I see that she had her feelings hurt, and pulled the old "kick the husband out to sleep on the sofa" trope - but that is not a reason for her to earn an apology.

Frankly, I don't get where you said / did something "wrong."

You went out with a group of friends and had a splendid evening. Surely you are allowed to have friends. During the evening, you shared something of your self and your primary relationship. That is what friends do. As far as I understand it - you did not say anything that was not true? You may have said some things that your wife is ashamed of, but the solution to that is to resolve the source of the shame, not to try to cover it up.

Yes, you referred to your wife as your "partner" - but is she not your partner? I know my wife thinks of herself as my partner, and I most certainly think of her as mine. Given the context in which you used the term, it is completely appropriate, as the way the others in the group refer to the other person in their primary relationships is as their "partner." It is a term that in that context denotes exclusivity and reciprocity - it is the equivalent term to "wife." I seriously doubt you meant to imply that your wife was anything less than your wife when you used the term "partner" or that the women you were with understood her to be anything short of your wife.

If your wife somehow felt slighted by the term "partner" rather than "wife," that could be fair. But the proper response in that sort of situation is to have a conversation about what was said and what was intended. The proper response is not to throw a tantrum and kick you out of the bedroom and demand an apology and gifts. And acquiescing to those sorts of demands does nothing but reinforce bad behavior.

Here is what I think happened - based exclusively on your side of the story.

I think your wife feels bad about the way she behaves with you in public. The dead give away is where she calls herself a "BAD, UNCARING, UNLOVING wife," she was describing the way she feels, not the way you do. Those were her words - not yours. You merely described her behavior to a third party - who felt sympathy for you, based on that behavior,and that inspired shame in her. And that is a reasonable reaction. She feels bad because she is ashamed of you, and is at least moderately homophobic (being repulsed by being identified as a lesbian) and that feeling of being ashamed brings further shame. It is a natural enough, and easy enough to understand response. And so is her reaction to it - rather than accept responsibility for her own emotional junk she reacts defensively and looks for a reason to blame you; which required conflating a small non-issue into a much bigger issue. "You called me your "PARTNER' and not your 'WIFE' - you lout! You masher! You horrible thing! You are the one responsible for these unpleasant emotions I am feeling!" That is in her head - you shouldn't take responsibility for it.

Here is what didn't make it any better for you - you went out and had a LOT of fun with other people, other people that her insecurities prevent her from being a part of. It is fair and normal to feel a bet jealous when our partners go and have fun with other people - it is not ok to allow that jealousy over power us and motivate us to act out in bad ways. It is NOT cool for her to be mad at you because you went out and had a fun time with others - and I bet that if there hadn't been other issues she would have been cool with it. I would bet that if she had not heard about the sympathy bit, and had that not triggered a stronger emotional response your wife would have been able to handle this like an adult. But - she saw that you had been having fun without her - which pulled the pin on the grenade - and then she found out that the other women were sympathetic to your plight - and that released the handle on the grenade - and before you could defuse the thing - it went off in your face. But that is not something that YOU did wrong.

All of that junk is in her head, and she is the one that has to deal with it. Placating her, and telling her that she is right is not a good long-term solution to the issue, and will not serve you well. Which is not to say that you should ignore the issue and force her to deal with it on her own. Not at all. Because you are her partner, you need to have a serious talk about the issues that led to this, and come to some sort of resolution that works for both of you. If she is uncomfortable being identified as a lesbian - that is fine, who cares about labels? Is she comfortable hanging out with your new peer group? Is she willing to be seen with lesbians? And if she wants to be your wife, then she needs to do the work necessary to get to a place where she IS comfortable being seen, WITH you, AS YOUR WIFE. Not just for your relationship - but for her own mental stability as well. It must be extremely hard for her to keep this weird dichotomy in her head where she is his wife, but not her wife - she should probably work towards being your wife. But that is some stuff you need to work out - I can't tell you how to structure your relationship. What I can tell you is that you need to work together to resolve these things before they lead to bigger blow-ups. And she needs to work with you rather than resorting to tantrum throwing.

[Melody Moore]

Thank you Hope because I think that is where I was coming from when I made my post which went completely astray in it's context about Traci's plight. I also really fail to see anything wrong in what Traci did. My head was just so full of other stuff that my pyschologist had been bringing up last week & stuff that Danni and I have been talking about in PM that I don't think I was really capable of articulating my true feeling in such a ways they could be so understood.

I really do think Traci got a raw deal here and that her wife has some issues that she has to now face up to and deal with. I would not be placating her either. If I had a partner that did what she did, I think I would be seriously thinking about packing my bags and leaving & I certainly would not be coming back until she dealt with her issues. I just don't see how Traci can have a life and be happy in such circumstances. We all have enough to deal with in our own issues much less shouldering the issues of another person.

And as some of you know I did get back together with my girlfriend and we were having a lesbian relationship, however over the past 3 weeks our relationship has also began to deteriorate because my girlfriend is putting her own personal issues & point of view over and above my own and trying to make me feel bad in the process. We both have issues that are both relatively important to ourselves. I know Im not being selfish & greedy here because I always took the time to understand her issues & point-of-view, however she isn't willing to give an inch in understanding my issues and point of view. So for me it was time to bow right out and now I'm not seeing my girlfriend even as a friend. True friends are not so selfish & self-centred - so how can one consider such a person to be a true partner & a wife?

[donnalee]

Melody; Hope -
The difficulty with your analysies is that you are trying to apply logic to a situation that has none. Hurt feelings are something that needs soothing, not analysis. I would sooner wave a cape in front of a bull. :eek:

[Melody Moore]

donnalee, if you really think so, it was only my personal opinion & how I would have personally dealt with
that type of situation. We are all different, so how about we just agree to disagree and leave it at that? :)

[Hope]

Melody; Hope -
The difficulty with your analysies is that you are trying to apply logic to a situation that has none. Hurt feelings are something that needs soothing, not analysis. I would sooner wave a cape in front of a bull.

I guess I have more respect for my wife (and other people I choose to interact with) than to think of her as an unthinking bull incapable of addressing emotional issues in an adult manner, who simply requires me to placate her until she feels good about herself regardless of grounds to do so.

But you have a fair point - part of being in a relationship with another person is taking their emotional lives seriously and bearing each others burdens (that of course needs to go both ways). Which is why my suggestion was not "It is her problem - she needs to grow up!" but rather "Because you are her partner, you need to have a serious talk about the issues that led to this, and come to some sort of resolution that works for both of you."

[Melody Moore]

Please don't think for one minute that I am not a caring person who doesn't ever try to resolve issues before making the decision to walk away.

Problems between me and my girlfriend started to surface again recently. I have tried MANY times in the past to have that serious talk & come to some sort of resolution that works for us, but it was futile because the person I was dealing with couldn't be mature enough to also consider anyone else's point of view but their own & make some compromises so in the end I walked away. We all have a right to have some type of normal & happy life.

My girlfriend has Bipolar Affective Mood disorder and when something goes wrong, it really goes wrong and then she comes running to me for help.

Let me give you an example of a situation that happened here last week. I was at the doctors in the middle of an appointment then she calls me up on my mobile phone in tears because her pay wasn't in the bank yet. She carried on so bad that it made me feel so obligated to cut my appointment short with the doctor and get to her as quickly as possible. As a result I forgot to take care of some other important business I had to do while I was also in town.

My girlfriend ran short of cash as well earlier that week as well because she went and gambled money at the casino. I tried to explain to her that noone really wins at the casino - so who does she expect to lend her the money to get her out of trouble? Me of course and when I don't have any spare to begin with. But I loaned her money because because she promised to pay me back - but does she pay me back when she gets paid? No & then she leaves me in a financial bind. This is only one example of how she has been taking all she can get while expecting me to be there and pick up the pieces every time something goes wrong as her 'best friend'.

Another issue we have been having is over her commitment & insecurities. She isn't willing to make any sort of commitment and she wants to have her friends & give her time & space to do that. But she is also very insecure and gets jealous very easily & doesn't like me having any friends & having any sort of a life. A couple of weeks ago I took her out to an event in town 'Party on the Darkside (http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=31005&id=146799772030768)' organised by the Out! Cairns (http://www.facebook.com/melodynoble#%21/pages/Out-Cairns/146799772030768?v=info) GLBTI committee which I am also a member of. We both went in theme dressed up as vampires & it was my role that night to be an official photographer for the event. We were there for about an hour when she started getting jealous of the fact that other committee members were talking to me. Some of the people who were talking to me were lesbian girls by the way. So she left and went home in a foul mood. Later on she also tried to put me on a guilt trip about that. Sheeesh when will this insecurity crap ever end?

If you love & care about someone, then shouldn't you also trust them especially if they are meant to be your wife, partner or best friend?

I have always been there when she has needed me, but I cannot keep placating to her needs if she isnt willing to placate to some of my needs and understand me as well. So this is why I walked away and now refuse to have anymore to do with her. You can only put up with this type of selfish behaviour for so long before it really starts to have a profound effect on you. It doesn't matter how much you love someone and give all you have got, because with some selfish people it is never enough.

So its time I was a little selfish for once & reclaimed my life again & just so
I can feel a sense of normality - if you don't it will eventually drive you insane.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Please stop turning every thread into being about you.

Please

[Melody Moore]

Really? is that what you think? Sorry it come across that way, but I was trying to
highlight my own example of why I had a difference of option regarding this topic.

Some of us have had similar issues to deal with and that WAS my main point!

I have highlighted some key points in my previous post so others don't take me out of context anymore.

[Traci Elizabeth]

WOW! Hope and Donna Lee both made excellent points for me to ponder over. Thanks gals.

I have a lot of faith in my marriage and my wife but I also have to keep in mind that she never signed up for this (my coming-out and transitioning) and I need to be sensitive to that and take into account that for the most part, she has been totally accepting and supportive, and loving under this very difficult change in our lives.

But do know, I take all of your responses with the sincerity they were written in and I am thankful for all of you.

[Karen564]

It's all water under the bridge at this point & Traci is back in her bed with her wife, so what's the point of making more out of this than it is?

Everyones point has been made & think it's time to put this to bed... don't cha think ?

:love:

[7sisters]

Donnalee yours is a lovely story. Thank you for sharing, Donna. I can see that everyone's circumstances are different. there are no rules. We must choose what works for us. I like your story so much, I will mail it to myself so I can read it often. Thank you.

Traci, wish you and your wife the best. My wish is to have a strong long marriage just like yours and Donna's.

[Aprilrain]

This is why I'm thankful I no longer drink. Lol. Good luck with that one. Brings Hank Williams to mind " this dog house here is mighty small but it's better than no house at all" ! She obviously loves you or you would already be gone give her time.

[Melody Moore]

That's a very fair comment Karen, however there are still others in the community who will be struggling at times with similar issues
and not every story has such a happy ending. I just hope that my contributions to this topic can help others here to also be strong. :hugs: