A lifetime lie

[Danni Bear]

Living a lifetime lie.

I feel like I'm a fraud. 63 years thinking I'm a twin.How life can throw a twist in everything you think you know.

This all started in the last 18 months. After many many years in therapy for gender and other issues,transition,GRS and other medical interventions my life was getting better,complete. I was finally able to start understanding what this all meant to me and to search out answers. To find out about myself and to put back together a fractured life. Through all this rediscovery was my husband and children,helping me, guiding me forward. This came to a skreeching halt over the last three weeks. First an ultrasound on my pelvic region due to urinary and cramping problems, followed by DR. visits and followup MRI.Now comes the exploratory surgery to determine two masses found and internal scarring indicative of a partial or incomplete historectomy having been performed.

What is going on is all I can think. I go to visit my mother to tell her what is going on and to see if she has any ideas about it all.
What she then told me shocked me and shook my whole world. I am not a twin, I am the youngest of a set of tripletts. A boy( my brother),a girl(still born),and me, a mixed up combination of both (male and female). I was classified a male even though the female was primary and male secondary due to my fathers insentance and have what amounted to a twin brother. I had a historectomy as soon as my body would allow and GRS surgery to remove the female attributes. I was raised as a male and all this was hidden from me. For most of my early life I was given shots that supposedly were for allergies and took vitamins twice daily. I now know those shots were low dose testosterone to mask the feminine and to emphasize the male aspect. It didn't work, I started crossdressing at six with my grandmothers help.

Now I can't help but wonder. Who am I? What am I? Man or woman? The answer will come one day. It is back to searching and digging. Asking questions and trying to make sense of the answers. Trying once again to find my place in the world. Having a husband who transitioned and understands, kids and grandkids who accept and love me,friends and neighbors that accept. Dr's, therapists and counselors that help with this. These make my journey easier.

Danni Beard

[Felicity71]

Ohhh the insanity of those that thought they were doing the right thing for a child. Im sorry to hear that.

[sandra-leigh]

That must really have been a shock!

[Jorja]

Wow! That puts a new twist on things I am sure. At the moment, I really don't know what to say. I'm not sure I could say anything that could help the situation. Please know this though, We are all here to lend our support to our sister. Pm me if you need to talk. I am a great listener.

[7sisters]

My prayers go out to you.

[Karen564]

Danni,
I can understand the confusion & the shock of this news......But I think you do know who & what you are......

It doesn't matter what genitalia you were born with, even a mixture of both, or what a doctor says or anyone says for that matter...what matters is what your insides/your soul is telling you....so listen to that & go with it...

I hope you can find some peace & put all those questions to rest some day..:hugs:

[Kelly DeWinter]

Danni,

It's always weird how life can throw you curves from time to time. One of the things that keeps me going, is saying to myself every morning "Today is a new day, I will feel good about myself and other all day" Most of the time it works great, even though occasionaly it doesn't. We will all be thinking of you.

Kelly

[Marissa]

Wow..wow.. to have such revelations thrown at you out of the blue..I can't even imagine the feelings or thoughts that goes thru one's mind. You having gone through life grasping for what you knew was right.. who are you? what are you? well, look to all the words of wisdom you have given me in the last few months.. You know the answer to those questions..nothing changes to who you are now.. a very nice and caring woman, loved by family and friends. Wish you the best in health and mind.

Tight hugs,
Marissa

[Melody Moore]

Hi Danni,

Since you told me in PM yesterday that you were thinking about posting this thread I have been in tears because I have been hit in the face by hard cold reality & I have not really known what to say or how I should even respond here. But I think its very important for others to also know about us and our stories because there might be more of us here that haven't come to the same level of realisation yet about the real reasons why they are transsexual and why Gender Dysphoria has been such a serious issue all of their life.

So let me start by saying how wonderful the past 5 days has been thanks to this forum - its been a truly amazing journey of discovery for both of us since I posted my thread: Surge in Intersex/TG & TS Numbers - Something in the food & water perhaps? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143339-Surge-in-Intersex-TG-amp-TS-Numbers-Something-in-the-food-amp-water-perhaps)

Since you and I opened up to each other about our bizarre medical conditions I really appreciate you being there for me as we have been working together through private messages to understand why we are the way that we are and why our parents have behaved in the most bizarre ways.

So many things never made sense to me before, but thanks to you I'm really starting to see a much clearer picture. I'm starting to understand now why my father was so cruel and my mother has always been so emotionless & cold towards me in a very clinical type of way. But these are issues I am now planning to deal with in the not too distant future once I have the answers & evidence I now need to confront my parents with.

All my life I have always felt sorry for my mother because she was married to a very domineering man who was abusive in so many ways & always made all the decisions so I have always loved her for everything she has endured from my father. But thanks to you, I really do understand now more than ever why she is resentful & feeling so guilty. I believe that my father would have been the person who made the decision that I should be assigned the sex of male as an infant. All fathers of that era always seem to want boys - especially men who were farmers like my father.

It is a relief for me to know that you finally understand the truth about who you really are & this has become one huge relief for your mother & a burden that she doesn't ever have to keep carrying or feel guilty about any longer - now she can finally have some peace. It must be a very hard thing for a mother to come out about to their child - telling their child that they were butchered at such a young age all based on the decision of a very selfish father who insisted on trying to turn us into boys. I just hope I can give the same relief to my mother and form a real bond with her now before she passes on.

One very prominent thing I have to thank you for.... I never understood why our parents made some very bizarre statements which until this point I never really understood and I thought was very cruel. I've got the same feelings as you do about how your mother & what she said to you, as I do about my own father who always said "You will never grow up to be a real man, because you're not even really a boy". My father was extremely cruel in saying these things to me as a child & teenager who had the body of a male, but obviously the mind of a female.

Now I can also understand now he was also resentful & abusive towards me after he found out I was cross-dressing at the age of 6 or 7, its obviously related to the fact that the Nurture over Nature theory wasn't working with me and my true femininity kept on resurfacing - I guess My father figured that if he abused me with physical violence & taunted me enough that he could get me to repress my feminine side. My father was only superficially & temporarily successful, but as you know Danni, noone cannot change what is hard-wired into our genetics & brain before we were born.

So I really cannot thank you enough for our private discussion over the past 5 days - You have helped me to uncover some of the truth behind who I truly am. Learning the truth has been a very scary experience for you & for me because I have had to revisit my past & relive the horrors of it all to understand why these things were happening to me.

As you also know last Monday I finally mustered up the courage to ask my doctor for a blood test that will reveal my chromosomal mosaic & also got a referral for ultrasound on my pelvic region to examine my urinary tract and internal reproductive system. I haven't made the appointment for the ultrasound yet because in some ways I had the same reservations as you did about having the MRI and finally discovering the truth. But I need to know the truth & will go ahead with the ultrasound soon, I just need time now to digest everything that has been going on in my head in the past 5 days.

Thank you sister, you are one of the few people in this very cruel world we live in that I consider to be a true friend - I love you so much :hugs:

[Traci Elizabeth]

I think Karen hit a good cord here. I would not let any of that news alter your feelings about who you are. That comes from within.

An analogy of sorts would be finding out one day you are adopted. Does that fact change who you are...no!

We have too much to live for and many to love so leave the past behind.

[Debb]

Oh God I feel sick.

Danni, I do know how you feel. This same thing happened to me, six years ago.

In my case, I wasn't a twin or anything; I was born with characteristics of both sexes. Like you, female was "probably" primary (mom and dad didn't remember, the doctor who discovered this said it was likely), but being first-born, I was modified to be male.

I found out through my doctor, shortly after I had an emergency surgery on my gut to remove a blockage. They'd found some ... oddities ... while doing the exploratory. A year later, I also found out that my condition has a name -- Klinefelter's -- and that I have an "extra" chromosome .. yes, another "X" chromosome.

Same crap with the shots and pills -- I was told the pills were for my acne (which wasn't really that bad).

Mom and dad were astounded when I brought it up, and wouldn't talk about it. My medical records have disappeared, having burned up in a hospital fire -- total loss.

I too began crossdressing at an early age; unlike you, I was unsupported, and knew it even at that age. I hid it well, and still do, from my dad and brothers (Mom died last July).

Danni (and MelodyN), I am so sorry that this happened. It's good that you know about it, it removes one more small shred of doubt, at least it did for me. I still wonder "what's wrong with me", don't get me wrong ... but now I have a rope tied to the dock, maybe a flimsy rope but it's still something to hold me in place a little bit.

[Debb]

I forgot to say:

Danni -- you are YOU. Your identity has only been altered in your own perception -- you were always this person, this lovely person.

[Rianna Humble]

Now I can't help but wonder. Who am I? What am I? Man or woman?

Danni, I can't even begin to imagine what this news has done to you, but I want you tgo know that there are many of us here who want to be there for you.

As for your question, others have said it probably better than I will, but here is my take:

1 You are a loving and caring woman

2 You are loved not only by your family but also by people like me who have only come to know you through these forums

3 You are an immensly important member of our wider family not for what you can give (although there is certainly plenty of that) but because you are you

What was done to you at such an early age beggars belief, but of one thing I am sure - it hasn't altered who you are at the very core of your being

[Louise C]

Danni, Melody, Bethany,

I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. You have my admiration for sharing your experiences with us. I hope the three of you can find some peace. At least you know you have support from your friends here on the forum.......:hugs:

[Melody Moore]

Danni, Melody, Bethany,

I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. You have my admiration for sharing your experiences with us. I hope you can both find some peace. At least you know you have support from your friends here on the forum.......:hugs:
Life has been much better for me for sometime now, but finally making to decision to stop fighting my femininity & starting my transition has had me looking back at my past a far bit lately. I am a person who doesnt ever want to look back because it has never served me much good. But because I am under a pyschologist who has identify my gender markers & has been delving into many issues from my past, many painful memories have been brought back to the surface lately. I am sure that its a similar situation for Danni as well since the evidence has come to light about her condition. Right now I want the answers to so many questions so I can deal with this as quickly as possible and put it all behind me once again.

Now I'm going through this process where I am constantly thinking and analysing so many issues with my family, so let me give you another example...

For most of my life I have always wondered why my father has blamed me for all his problems during his marriage to my mother. This arsehole also blamed me for their divorce 23 years ago & he still blames me for all his problems today. I never considered this issue so deeply until lately, I never considered the reasons why my mother become a Registered Nurse when I was a young child and how this might have impacted on my parents relationship that might have been the catalyst to why my father to have so much deeply seeded resentment towards me.

But I imagine life must have been hard for them and the decision they made must of been a tough one. But now when I look at the pieces of this massive jigsaw puzzle I can see a much clearer picture. I think now that my mother's decision to become a nurse had something to do with me being born intersexed and was influenced by the fact that she was around doctors & other nurses a fair bit of the time. I also know my mother as a nurse who was very committed & dedicated to her job because I distinctly remember how she did do a lot of shift work, so she was either sleeping or at work.

This must of been tough for my father as well & also know that when he was most abusive towards me was while my mother was at work. so its very obvious to me now that this is related to the fact that he wasn't getting to spend as much time with his wife since I came into their lives. My mother still has very little knowledge about most of the abuse he put me through because she rarely seen most of it and my father had me in such a state where I was so scared that I never told my mother anything about what he was doing to me. I have tried to tell my mother about the abuse in recent years, but she doesn't want to know about any of it because she is no longer married to my father and makes me feel that I'm lying about it. I have understood for sometime now that my father was the catalyst about why I become so fearful, and felt so much shame & guilt about my true inner feelings as a female.

My whole life has been one huge big lie really and when I was a male it was purely a superficial act. So many years have been wasted through suffering and all because my father thought he could play God with a young intersexed child. I suffered and my mother suffered because of one man's decision. My mother tried to stick things out with my father for me and my siblings & I have never really understood why I hated him so much and why I cant ever forgive him, but now I do. This is really about someone else making the decision to assign the sex of an intersexed child before they determine their own true gender identity. Once again this has clearly proven that 'Nuture over Nature' theory does not work - so may the likes of John Money rot in hell for the countless lives their ill-founded theories have destroyed and all because of their lies.

Is all I want now are the answers to just a few more questions, so I can now help my mother stop being in denial & accept the
fact that I finally do know truth & hopefully we can form new bonds & rebuild a few lives & then go forward before its too late.

[Inna]

I want you to know that however confusing and jarring this revelation was to you I only wish it happened to me. Searching all my life for an answer which is so illusive that I fall into and out of understanding, such discovery would finally ground my emotional charge and provide explanation for unexplainable. I know as well that even though we get further in embracing this phenomena we live day in and out, emotions rain havoc on our psyche. I wish you baby to finally embrace the fact that you are not cause of your own delusion but real, substantial, beautiful, and rightful YOU! I am starting to understand that even though we tend to think we have power to steer our lives in direction and outcome desirable by our own action, we in fact are observers of path already predicted and laid in front of us and all we can do is embrace the fact and let go the egocentric need to be in charge and let our spirit soar free, whole, and careless about inevitable. Miracles are all around us daily, but one has to have his eyes opened to see the light!

[Stlalice]

For those who might be interested there is a book that goes into the debate over nature vs nurture - it looks at the famous "Twins Case" and touches on intersex issues as well. Well worth the time to read and consider when thinking about gender identity. The title and author is below...

"As Nature Made Him" by John Colapinto - not sure if it is currently in print but it should be findable on Amazon and the like.:2c:

[MJ]

wow sending you my love and huggs

[morgan51]

Sorry you are going thru this just know you are in our thoughts and prayers. I find this site a wonderful support system when there is no other outlet close by. Rant away we are all listening and feeling your anguish. We are here to listen if you need to talk.

[Cherry Lynn]

Danni,
Your story is shocking to say the least. I live a little north of you and always enjoy reading your posts as neighbors enjoy each others company. I will be thinking of you in your time of need.

[noeleena]

Hi Danni.

Some thing like this is never easy to understand ,of cause knowing this has happened to many of us the Dr s of the day & some males in thier thinking only of them selfs & wonting a son .those i know have been through like yous have . we can not answer now for them or ask them why did you not just leave us to be us & grow as we should .our minds are wired in the right way . they of cause could not see that,

I feel for you,

my friend is intersex & we spend time to gether & with our Dejarn grand daugter , we have gone through her life with a fine tooth comb & how she was treated by her dad i relate with her in so many ways shes the same age as me 63 she finily had a redo surgery 10 months ago & has made so much difference for her . her detail could have been sorted 50 years ago like you, not so .

We do if you dont allready know have two forums for those of us who are intersex, if interested let me know.

The what am i . ? intersex some of both ...The crossdressing i dought it, those clothes were a reflection of who you are. you knew like me , we were brought up contray to who we were trying to show others .your right it didnt work ,

Can i say this to you tho your going through the hell of all this dont ever stop accepting you. i know you have lots of ? s like me & ill never know the answers to mine thats to late .

if you can just accept what has happened work through it ,i have had to , & enjoy whats left to salvage & build on that ,
I know you going to ? your self on every front, oh hell thats going to be bloody hard to say the least , no words i can offer will help .

You r whole mind set will change . youll see your self in a new light..
I know youll fight this, yet you have to , work through accepting you. that will be the most important thing you can do .

Lots of HUGS xxx

...noeleena...

[Danni Bear]

Noeleena,

It was not the accepting of me as I am. It the knowledge of what occured so many years ago. Like you I am 63 and I did transition back to my true gender over 12 years ago. My wife at the time also transitioned F2M and we have since remarried. We have been soulmates since we were teenagers.

Danni

[morgan51]

My heart goes out to you. I hope you have peace in your life. Hugs

[AKAMichelle]

sounds like you are very lucky to have your soulmate helping with your journey and vice versa in your case since both of you transitioned. I personally think that you came back to your original sex which you should have been from birth. I hope the tests reveal nothing serious and you will be back to your spunky self really soon.

[Danni Bear]

Thank you all for the kind and sincere words. :bighug2:
as I said in my OP. My mom told me about my sister. She told me where she is interred. My brother, husband and I went to the gravesite Friday. They both let me go alone at first. I found it but also four others around it. All had the same name and surname with dates from 1885 to my sisters in 1948. All were female with but a single date for birth and death. All from the same family line and all with MY name on each headstone.

My husband and brother found me there sitting in shock. Looking at five markers, all bearing the same name as me and struggling to find out what it meant. Was I meant to discover this now or is it just a coincidence? Questions and more questions but few answers.

Danni

[noeleena]

Hi,Danni.


HUGS .

...noeleena...

[Melody Moore]

Was I meant to discover this now or is it just a coincidence? Questions and more questions but few answers.
Danni, you & I both know that we were meant to discover this, what we have learnt & uncovered in the past week between the two of us through private messaging here is more than just coincidence and you know it - it spans beyond the realms of reality and deep into the spiritual world of the of the Hijra (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hijra_%28South_Asia%29) & Ojibwe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojibwe) type cultures even though I have no direct linage to either to these 2 cultures, however we are united with the spirits from these two cultures through our two-spirited intersexed beings.

The message that has been specifically given to us has been very cryptic & prophetic - but the message I am getting is very clear. And I know many others might struggle to get their heads around some of the really bizarre supernatural aspects behind our recent private discoveries & revelations. But its a miracle that what ever is behind this seems to have chosen both of us as intersexed individuals & tasked us with a very special job to do. Its also very ironic that we have been awoken from our dream state over the past week & snapped to attention on the international Transgender Day of Remembrance. I feel the spirits of our transgender/transsexual & intersexed brothers & sisters are now trying to reach out to us, so we can start reaching out to help so many thousands of others.


Hijra History (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hijra_%28South_Asia%29)

During the era of the British Raj, authorities attempted to eradicate hijras, whom they saw as "a breach of public decency." Anti-hijra laws were repealed; but a law outlawing castration, a central part of the hijra community, was left intact, though rarely enforced. Also during British rule in India they were placed under Criminal Tribes Act 1871 and labelled a "criminal tribe," hence subjected to compulsory registration, strict monitoring and stigmatized for a long time, after independence however they were denotified in 1952, though the century old stigma continues.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojibwe#Culture

The Ojibwe viewed the world in two genders: animate and inanimate, rather than male and female. As an animate, a person could serve the society as a male-role or a female-role. John Tanner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tanner_%28narrator%29) and anthropologist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthropologist) Hermann Baumann have documented that Ojibwe peoples do not fall into the European ideas of gender and its gender-roles. Some, called egwakwe (or Anglicised to "agokwa"), contribute in ways that cross European gender lines. Though these egwakweg may contribute to their community in whatever way brings out their best character, these documented male-to-female transsexual (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual) Midew among the Ojibwe were more readily noticed by the non-Anishinaabe documenters. A well-known egwakwe warrior and guide in Minnesota history was Ozaawindib (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozaawindib).

Ozaawindib ("Yellow Head" in English, recorded variously as Oza Windib, O-zaw-wen-dib, O-zaw-wan-dib, Ozawondib, etc.) was an Ojibwa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojibwa) warrior who lived in the early 19th century and was described as an egwakwe Ojibwa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ojibwa) would describe as a ("agokwa" in literature, literally meaning "genitaled-woman")—what a modern niizh manidoowag (two-spirit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-spirit)).
Wiishkobak ("Sweet" or "Le Sucre", recorded as "Wesh-ko-bug"), a chief of the Leech Lake Pillagers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pillager_Chippewa) was Ozaawindib's father. As an egwakwe, John Tanner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tanner_%28narrator%29) described Ozaawindib as "This man was one of those who make themselves women, and are called women by the Indians."

Henry Rowe Schoolcraft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Rowe_Schoolcraft), who knew Ozaawindib personally, reports that Ozaawindib was very courageous in battle. Schoolcraft also reports Ozaawindib was a principal Pillager Chippewa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pillager_Chippewa) for the Cass Lake Band (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Cass_Lake_Band_of_Pillager_Chippew a_Indians&action=edit&redlink=1). He also states:

“ At the mouth of River Broula I encountered Ozawondib, or Yellow Head, and Mainotagooz,or the Handsome Enunciator, two Chippewas from the Cassinian source of the Mississippi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mississippi_River), being on their way to visit me at the seat of the agency. They reported that the Indians of Leech Lake had raised a war-party, and gone out against the Sioux of the Plains (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lakota_people). Both these Indians returned with me to Cass Lake (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_Lake_%28Minnesota%29). The former afterward guided me from that remote point to the source of this river.

” When Tanner encamped on Red River of the North (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_River_of_the_North), he reports that he was the subject of interest of Ozaawindib, who at that time was about 50 years old and already had several husbands. Tanner reported that after rejecting repeated advances by Ozaawindib, Ozaawindib was still determined to win Tanner's heart. Ozaawindib disappeared for a few days and returned to camp with much needed fresh meat. However, even after bringing much needed fresh meat to the camp, Ozaawindib was still rejected by Tanner. Ozaawindib became the third wife of Chief Wenji-dotaagan[8] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozaawindib#cite_note-7) as the solution to Ozaawindib's courtship efforts toward Tanner.

Alexander Henry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Henry_%28the_younger%29) reported from his Pembina Post in 1897 that when Ozaawindib was drunk, "he was not merely a nuisance but a bothersome man." Ozaawindib is remembered in place names such as Lake Plantagenet (Ozaawindibe-zaaga'igan) and Schoolcraft River (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schoolcraft_River) (Ozaawindibe-ziibi) in the Anishinaabe language (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anishinaabe_language), and as Yellow Head Point of Lake Itasca (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Itasca) in English.Do you see where this is going Danni? I think I am starting to understand now :)

As you can see Ozaawindib a very courageous spirit had to deal with a very homophobic westerner, but was mocked and put down by Alexander Henry, so then I looked a little deeper into the Two-Spirit Identity theory and here is what I found....


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit_Identity_Theory

Conclusion

Those who have been raised with Western cultural influences can reflect on how Two-Spirits are considered in the Indigenous American culture, and perhaps look at the LGBTQ community in a different light. As educators it is important to consider different cultural beliefs and values and evaluate how that applies to your own cultural principles.

College is a time for self-discovery and personal development. For two-spirit students this can be an especially significant and challenging time where they are discovering who they are as an individual, an Indigenous American, a LGBTQ, and how they fit into mainstream culture at the same time. Looking at Two Spirit Identity theory in the context of higher education can assist practitioners to better understand and identify with students who are experiencing both racism and homophobia together.Now do you see the significance in what was meant when your Great Grandmother said.... "as time to pass the circle will complete"?

Now considering the role I have undertaken recently to promote Transgender & Transsexual awareness I think this whole thing bears quite a bit of consideration, because its through people like you and I that western society's attitudes can be changed..... I have recently been on communication with Mr Warren Entsch, my local member of Federal parliament and he has told me he is setting up a Bipartisan cross-party GLBTIQ friendship group (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?142934-Another-Transsexual-Soldier&p=2322630&viewfull=1#post2322630) which is going to be an open forum with the Federal members of our government here in Australia and members of the GLBTIQ community.

I think its time..... time for western society is ready to change attitudes towards members of the GLBTIQ community, more & more evidence is coming to light, along with understanding & acceptance every single day - yours is a very interesting story in itself with direct links to Indigenous American culture.

So people like you and I have the power to change many people's attitudes because we were born the way that we are and so to are many other sexually & gender diverse people in society. Biologically things do go wrong and the greater part of western society has trouble understanding it, there are effeminate men & masculine women in society that are good people who are well intended just like Ozaawindib was. It is a mystery however why so many females in your family's history have died before you survived, and now I just wonder how many of these might have also been born intersexed?

Im feeling now that you and I have a very significant job to do, but its by sharing our stories that other people will learn to accept us and others like us. I will leave it up to you now Danni to share with this community what has been revealed by now your dearly departed aunt in the past 2 days - she gave you the answers you always needed & very special a gift before she passed on - May her gracious soul rest in peace.

Many Hugs Sister... I am always here for you :hugs:

[Danni Bear]

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This I am going to leave in your collective wisdom to advise me. Should I or should I not post here about the strange and startling events that have transpired in my life over the last week. These have left me both worried and scared. Wanting to speak, yet afraid of what could become.

It is a strange world that I seem to have entered since I learned of what happened so many years ago. Many diverse events and personalities have emerged in my search for answers. Not only in my personal life but also from many areas of the world and of the past.

Danni

[Rianna Humble]

I cannot advise you whether you should or should not share what has happened, but I want you to know that we are here for you

[Jorja]

This being of a personal nature, only you can determine if you should post or not. As I said before, we are here to support you in anyway we possibly can.

[Melody Moore]

I agree with the previous posts as well Danni its completely up to you, but from what you have said here
and told me in PM about your fears just highlights Why there a need for solidarity in the TS/TG Community (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143767-Why-is-there-a-need-for-solidarity-in-the-TS-TG-Community) :hugs:

[Danni Bear]

This being of a personal nature, only you can determine if you should post or not. As I said before, we are here to support you in anyway we possibly can.

Jorja,
not only is this personal. There are also aspects that could have far reaching effects on our entire community. some good and some bad

Danni

[Areyan]

Danni, i see why you pm'd me now, especially about you and your husband ;) ... wow. thank you.

i find this revelation about your past rather shocking, but hopefully the good in this would be that you are at least whole now... so sorry you endured that in your life for so long. i have read some of your other stories too and i am only glad for you that you had caring relatives when you were younger that wanted to help you as well. i hope you get through the shock and pain of this soon.

:hugs:

[Jorja]

Danni,
When I look around at the people of this community I see many strong individuals that can accept the news no matter how good or bad it is. Yes, there are thoes in somewhat fragile condition but isn't it better they know now than to wait and find out 30 or 40 years form now?

[7sisters]

Perhaps your family and dear ones can help you decide. I am grateful for you and Melody taking the initiative to talk. God bless both of you.

[Danni Bear]

this story may be viewed by many as a fairy tale or even worse.

Over the span of the last two weeks my life has been turned upside down and inside out. As I relatated in my OP I visited my PCP with urinary problems and cramping resulting in an ultrasound and subsiquent MRI,now scheduled for exploratory surgery. These events alone were enough to put me in a panic.

I have always known that there was more to my life that I had ever been told. After confronting my mother with the knowledge that I had recieved from my DR.s and therapists, she told me about my birth and details that occurred afterwards. one of which was that I had a sister stillborn at the same time as my twin and myself. The location of her interment was also supplied. I had to visit there and say goodbye to the sister I never knew. Little did I know what I would find next. Five graves, all members of my family, all female spanning approximately 65 years.The same names on all the headstones and all showing that they were stillborn or died in birth.The same name that I have carried from birth. I became determined to find answers to how all came to have the same name. Daniel and Dannielle have a significence in my families history. I am the only one since 1857 to carry it and live.

Last Friday evening I visited the nursing home where I live to see my elderly relatives who call it home. Two aunts and an uncle.
The oldest of whom was my grandfathers sister at 109. As I sat and listened with more care to them about our shared family from their perspective of many more years than I can even contemplate living my aunt said something that caught my attention completely.
(Now remember this is a 109 year old woman saying this to me. She is my grandfathers sister,and talking about something her great-great grandmother said when she was a child.

The exact quote was "as time to pass the circe will complete". She was looking directly at me as I found out the origional speaker , my three times great grandmother was a Chippewa wise woman.)

Saturday I was reading and responding to many different threads on these forums along with trying to find meanings in my aunts words. The nursing home called me and said that my aunt was demanding to see me and to see if I could come and help calm her.
Ten minutes after I walked into her room she was gone. Ten minutes that I will never forget or what she said.

("it started out by her calling me "sunshine in the dark" ???? then " follow me daughter, the clan awaits at the headwaters" then words that I don't understand or know although they have a ring of familarty as if I should know them. " sisters awake, take the little ones hand" the last words she said was " lead the family to the light")

I have looked at and puzzled over them for two days. Searching for a meaning and purpose to them. I have searched every site that I can find dealing with any form of message or anything else of this nature. The only conclusion that makes any kind of sense to me is that I should share this with all of you. That somehow or somewhere there is a connection between what has and is occuring in my life and helping another to find that thread in theirs.To know that I have helped another to find peace in who they are.


Danni

[Danni Bear]

that is my dilemma. Taking my story into the public eye has put our entire community at risk of exposure and ridicule. That is something I don't take lightly. to any and all that find themselves outed or exposed, forgive me. I can't put my happiness or peace above that of any other.

Danni

[sandra-leigh]

Danni,

I can see a number of positive aspects of going public with your story. From the point of view of CD/TG/TS as a whole, I am tempted to say "Yes, Yes!", that it would only do good for us.

I do, though, see that going public in any wide-spread way is probably going to attract the attention of haters to you -- people who don't care about you or all the good things you have accomplished, and who trot out all the tired old religious refuse. You will need a thick skin to go through with this. And a passport, to travel to the speaking engagements and interviews.

If you proceed, it may come to the point where you are speaking to a wide audience, possibly even a "talk show". If that should happen, chances are someone will ask you about resources for people who may be in similar situations. I would suggest consulting with the admins here before mentioning this site: so far the public areas of the site have been operated on the premise that they are not overly dangerous because "why would random members of the public be looking here unless they had a specific interest?" If, though, the site becomes mentioned in a venue that reaches notable number of people who feel safe to create mischief behind their anonymity, then that principle would change, and the site might have to change along with it.

There is nothing in your history that would inherently expose the community to ridicule; on the other hand, there are groups like Phelps and Focus on Family that are not likely to be sympathetic; there is probably enough information on this site about some individuals that someone with a bee in their bonnet could probably make their life miserable.