Had the talk, again

[Lainie]

Talked to my wife about crossdressing again last night, hoping for some progress. No dice. She still feels that it's gay, is open-minded in general but can't face seeing me en femme, thinks it would damage relations with family, fears being pitied if her friends found out, resents having to bite her tongue when the subject comes up in conversation (rare, but accompanied by ridicule), fears damaging our commitment to each other.

She knows I do it, fears a "slippery slope" to going out dressed, and joining like-minded groups. Of course I have been going out dressed for years, and go shopping and/or dining every few months. Only have joined Girls Nights Out a few times, since the chance to sneak so rarely coincides with events.

Status Quo. :sad:

[Christy_M]

I am sorry to hear this. My wife won't engage in conversation about this either. She knows about it. She understands I need to do it. She wants nothing to do with it. She has been surprisingly supportive with my issues dealing with Ross but she want to shut down the conversation as quickly as possible whenever anything starts turning into a CD discussion. For most of the same reasons you stated, in addition to her belief that a strong Christian woman would not accept something like this in her marriage. She also feels that there is an expectation from her parents and close friends that this type of "Behavior" not be tolerated. I know she loves me and she wants to stay married with me and that is the crux of her conflict. To her, as long as it stays in the closet she will acquiesce.

I am sorry that I don't have any advice to give on this but know there are some of us here in the same (or similar) boat as you.

Hugs,
Christy

[Karren H]

Sounds familiar!! I grew up a few miles to your east and I know what Texans think transgendered and gay folks... In general... Its a tough place to be and live. My wife has the same fears.. Just lucky for me PA is a more accepting place, imho.. As long as your a Steelers fan that is! Lol.

[AKAMichelle]

it is very hard for them to come to grips with us as cd'ers. Sometimes them knowing and looking the other way is the best we can hope for, but it will take its toll on our marriage. I hope things improve for both of you.

[Stephenie S]

You know, it's hard to fault them (your wives, I mean, not The Steelers).

They married a MAN. I know, I know, you still ARE a man, but she sees only the slippery slope from occasional girlie behavior into full blown "gayness". She's scared. Scared that all she has in this world is about to go. That she will end up alone and ridiculed for her choice in a man.

What can you do? I dunno. Maybe be as manly as possible all other times? Especially in the bedroom. I'm trying to look at this from a wife's point of view. I would advise NEVER to ask to make love with her while you are "dressed". Actually I would advise you to never to involve her at all in ANY of your CD activities.

What she needs is a stable and secure relationship with a real MAN. Does that mean an end to your CDing? Absolutely not! But it DOES mean that she needs a solid inner knowledge of your maleness. If she has that, I think she will be able to handle anything. If you can convince her you are all guy 100%, an occasional night out "dressed" won't bother her at all.

Women are very resilient. We can and do handle incredible stresses in our daily lives. Give your wife a pillar of strength in yourself. Fulfill ALL your manly duties in the family, and in the bedroom. Make her KNOW your masculinity. Then, I think, she will be able to easily excuse the occasional night out with the "girls".

Just MHO.

S

[Megan Thomas]

I don't know how often you talk about this with your wife but i'd suggest slowly does it. Letting the other person take it in at their own pace and perhaps with just little nudges from you if the pace is too slow. One aspect of true acceptance by the other person is it takes away all need for hiding things and any lies (good or bad). I personally value honesty and it might be worth emphasising that aspect with her if she were to get more involved - but be careful it doesn't backfire and get used to imply dishonesty.

Finally, have you tried asking her to help you because you value her advice and support and want to do things in such a way that meets her approval? She can hardly say it's gay if it's done with her. As for family and local connections, how about suggesting a night out of town in a motel for you both - perhaps with a little shopping for you BOTH and dinner? Make it 2 nights and you could do one dressed and one drab. Compromise is the key, along with time and understanding.

[joyce483]

It sounds like she is dead set against it, I won't push dressing on her. If she knows you get dressed up, just be happy with that!! When I told my x-wife, she moved out the next day. But she had a reason to, cause I told her I was BI also!!!

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Lainie...

When I read similar posts to yours and think back to my own relationship with my wife I wonder if we all think one day she will just magically come around. We hope that we can find that non-existent room in the back of her mind that is okay with our dressing and all that comes with it, real or perceived. That after the next talk just maybe the right combination of things in life will tumble into place and all will be gold.

Yes, it's a great fantasy, isn't it? :daydreaming:

From my own reality there have been a small series of plateaus that were reached with such conversations. After more than 16 years together I am confident that the highest plateau has been reached (this was years ago) so I do not engage in "the talk" any longer, at least not for the sake of trying to change her mind. Really, can we change the mind of somebody who does not want it changed? If she was really enthusiastic with my dressing she would have said so after all these years. It is safe to say I have reached the summit of my crossdressing Everest with her and I should simply enjoy the view lest she decides to push me off :)

Maybe you have reached the plateau of your own dressing with your wife. If you have been together for enough years then maybe it is time to accept that it will go no further. I am not suggesting that you are ungrateful to keep trying but perhaps you might consider accepting her level of acceptance and continue to enjoy what you already have achieved in this department.

Either way I hope that you both can find a level that will allow your heart to rest easy with your dressing.

Veronica L