Need advice from friends please.

[HaleyPink2000]

I Need help with a problem please.

Will keep this as short as possible.

Yesterday, Saturday Sept 10th was our Central Illinois TriEss meeting. I got all my things ready to go in an over night bag. This was early in the morning around 9. My wife asked me if I wanted to go to my Grand Son’s Ball game. That She knew I could not go to because of health issues. Or to the local Blue grass thing at the State Park. Well I told Her I could not because I had a TriEss meeting that evening in another town. “ It is about 2 hours away from where I live”. Not wanting to bring up the evident answer “ I should not because of my health issues go to His game”. Also I had not gone to last months meeting because She made plans for me on that weekend. This is a burden on me when I don’t make these meetings. I can tell my attitude is not as normal if I miss a meeting.

With all this said, She got Her clothes on, spoke to me little. Also would not look at me as She walked around the house etc. Mad and not saying it. She said to me “ I don’t know what I’m going to do after the game, see you when I get back”. Then She did leave. I could tell, pist at the idea I was going to a support group meeting.

Putting my over night bag in the truck I drove the two hours. At a friends office there I changed my clothes to Femme mode. Just before the actual meeting. Some of the others had their wives there and girl friends. One complete family was there also. We watched a TriEss video. Then talked about what the video had to offer us, and so on. We took a break with treats etc. I even bought a new wig for my Halloween costume. Since the meeting is in a wig shop. Nice evening all in all. Then when the meeting broke up, everyone was going to a local restaurant for an late meal and coffee. I opted out so that I could get home before it got past midnight. I get real tired driving after about 4 or 5 hours of accumulated driving in a day. I drove home in boy mode BTW.

When I got half way home I called on the cell. She did not answer. I called back in about ten minutes and She did answer. I could just tell She was still acting far away, only saying what She had to “the I’m still pist way of speaking”. We all have herd that before.
Well I was polite and did say “ Hun I’ll be home in a bit am half way, I love you” and so on. I got back the “ OK”. Very short. Got home and she was in bed. So I took my clothes off and did go to sleep.

Today, Sunday Sept 11th. Everything was fine we talked and layed around the house together etc. Then feeling confident this afternoon that She might be approachable I asked the question. “ Hun there is going to be a Halloween party in Champaign next month, would you like to go with me”? Wow was that the wrong thing to say. She got mad and started in on me about how the support group was just a way for people to make what they are doing wrong make sense to them. Also that its never going to make it correct for me to keep doing what I’m doing. Then She said “you know there are no support groups for people like me”. I told her that is what the TriEss meetings are about,
the Family. Then She said some other things that escape me right now.


But when She did go into the bedroom and close the door. I was so sad I had said anything at all. Opening the door going into the bed room, I did see her laying there crying. You know the kind that is blubbering. Had a towel over her eyes for the tears. I stroked her hair and asked if She was ok. She started in again on things like, how She hates laying next to me dressed. Then seeing me dressed around the house. Then asking me why did I change, and so on. Still crying not really giving me time to answer. I stroked her hair then laid down next to her. Kissing her neck, and stroking her hair. Not saying a word, just holding her.

I don’t know what to do. Right now I’m open to suggestions. This is not a choice as my Wife thinks. She believes this is a Sin and I’m going to hell. I don’t believe like that.
I don’t think my God made me like this to send me to hell. This is me, and what I am. She loves me and I her. I just need Her to come to a TriEss meeting. Maybe meet other Genetic Females that have CD ‘s like me. So that She won’t feel so alone in this. So that She can work through this. Then maybe Her and I can go on as a couple.

Right now I’m just at my end. Out of ideas. I got up to write this and ask for help. It’s 1am in the morning here and I just can’t sleep over this.

Thanks for listening.

Haley

[Tristen Cox]

You need to get her in the group somehow she may not be very willing to go but once she meets other women dealing with this she'll be amazed and enlightened. I don't know if there's any chance of her visiting here but if so, there might be a start. She needs support perhaps much more than you know. Together you both need to find that. See through her eyes, feel with her heart. She's hurting not mad. Confused and bewildered not pist. Help her find the answers, but together...

All the best to you both

[Sigrid]

Haley,

Off hand I'd say you may need to give her a break from your dressing. As difficult as it may be for you, I suggest that you not dress at home for a while. I think a compromise may be in order, however. Perhaps you could agree for now to cease dressing in her presence and in exchange, she is to understand that one day each month you will be attending the Tri-Ess meeting.

I don't think this need be a permanent arangement, just for the near term. During this time perhaps you can begin to discuss thing more openly and calmly. Maybe the two of you could take the next couple months and read the book My Husband Betty together. Eventually, she may agreee to attend at least one Tri-Ess meeting with you.

Just remember never to pressure her into anything she's not yet comfortable with.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[Khriss]

Haley,, I was thinking Your efforts for Your families sake and your own personal well being seem kind of futile in the face of your wife's belief that your "damnable" crossdressing is unacceptable,,,
I have felt similar dilema's with SO's and although unmarried,the ultimatums were more like unrequited love to me!? Those memories still hurt........
AllBestWishes,, and strength to You, and hopefully,,more understanding ,to and - from Yours!? "K"

[norbie]

:) My Dear,
I would follow the advise from others - put your "girl" back in the closet for a little while.
Just think what you are risking, you saw her crying - it means she realy loves you. She cries about her relationdhip with you. And believe me its still 90% of all woman want "a Tarzan stile man".
I would suggest a compromise, maybe a little deal: you don't dress in front of her and in return she joins our GG Forum. try it our GG's will gently tell her what's happened and it is no sin. Have a go, but think: Family always comes first otherwise YOU will be hurting.
Just my thoughts,
Big Bear Hug from Norbie :wave:

[Donna]

Haley,

I have always believed in the win - win approach. You wife wanted to go to the ballgame with you beside her. What she really wanted was confirmation that you she was more important to you than your cross dressing. You wanted to go to your meeting which all of us here understand. So how do you both get what you want. How about:

'Honey, I'll go to the ballgame this month and pass up my meeting because I can see it's so important to you. But in return I'd like you to come to next month's meeting because that's important to me. How about it?"

Think Win - Win.

Donna

[urban gypsy]

Haley
you have major problems here that a lot of us have been through at sometime or another.
I personally would put your dressing on hold when your wife is around.
But make her feel that no matter what her and the family are more important, and that you are still the same husband and father that she fell in love with, and when things have settled down abit discuss with her that you are still the same person with a more caring side that you need to express from time to time, if she agrees with you on this then let her start to set a few boudaries i.e the level that she is happy with you looking fem poss trouser, blouse and girlie shoes, because sometimes its skirts, dresses and underwear that they can't handle.
But most of all take her needs into account because sometimes cd came become self obsessed with the need to be en femme.
When you find the starting level slowly build on it but not to fast as things could take a nasty again.

hope this is of some help best of luck

[HaleyPink2000]

This is as you have been reading a terrible time for us this past weekend.
Thanks so much for the Helping. You will never know how much. As I sit here thismorning with tears in my eyes and trying to hold back just blubbering over this. I think of all my friends on here.

Love to you all and to yours.
Your Sister
Haley

[Honey GG]

My husband and I are both Tri-ess members, we have been unable to go to a meeting because the closest chapter is 300mi away. But we have both joined the support groups offered by Tri-ess, me on the wives and he on the CD group. We also are members of the joint group although it is not very active.
Tri-ess has alot of information available online that would probably be very helpful to your wife.
For many years I did not accept or try to understand/learn about my husbands CDing. Once I began reading articles I found it was a lightbulb going off and my understanding grew, as did my acceptance.
Teaching your wife more would be better than pushing her to go to a meeting and having to see lots of CD's. How active are the wives in this Trie-ess chapter? Perhaps talking to them and asking if your wife can contact them would help. Beleive me talking to other wives makes a big difference.

Good luck to you both.
Honey

[DonnaT]

Very close to what happened with my weekend, Haley.

I think you handled it as well as you could at the time, being there to try and comfort her and asking her to try Tri-Ess.

This weekend my wife had plans to go down to Charlottesville VA with a friend. Both are into beading, and were going down to get things at a store that's giving a class soon.

Turns out, one of the girls on another forum (she's on here too, but not often) was trying to get their local group in Roanoke VA restarted holding meetings. She invited some of us on that forum to come too. It's about a 4 hr drive from me.

Mind you, my wife doesn't mind my dressing around the house, she just has problems with me going out. And this was the first time I've ever gone to someone's house. Anyway, she was distant on the phone each time I called, so I knew she was upset. Actually I knew it before I even left for my woodturners meeting that morning.

When I got back the next day, she needed to talk, during which she mentioned, again, about not having a support group to talk to. Each time she does this I ask her to join one of the forums and just give it a try.

That is all we can really do, keep the lines of communication open, talk it out and ask that they try to use the support that is already out there.

Donna, had a pretty good idea of a little quid pro quo, so it seems you will need a way to attend a ballgame or other outdoor activity with her without it affecting your health.

Not wanting to get personal, I won't ask what that is, but if it breathing the dust, I can point you to an excellent dust mask. Much better that some you find in hardware stores. PM me if it is. Folks who need them wear them for outdoor activities all the time.

[Christine49]

Perhaps there is a counselor in your area that deals with cd's and/or tg's. If not remind her that emulation is the purist form of flattery. Best of luck. My thoughts shall be with you.
Love,
Christine

[Dixie Darling]

Haley,

Your situation sounds pretty familiar. My wife is intolerant about my CDing and refuses to discuss it with anyone else - professional or otherwise. Additionally, she has indicated emphatically that she doesn't have any intentions of corresponding with any other wives about it or joining any support groups on the internet. So you at LEAST have an 'edge' in the fact that your wife knows about it and has apparently given you some degree of tolerance to dress.

I also see some more similarities. Were the events she was asking you to attend with her (ball game, blue grass thing) known about and planned on in advance, or were these things that 'suddenly' came up when she learned that you had a Tri-Ess meeting you wanted/needed to go to? The question is that when it appears to her that you have some sort of crossdressing activity in your plans, is she trying to come up with something to interrupt or negate them just to KEEP you from participating?

The advice and suggestions you've already received are good advice. It seems like you might be able to come to some sort of compromise with your wife by curtailing your dressing. She needs to understand that it's a NEED that you have and as such it's not something that's going to stop. With that in mind, offer to just keep it out of her sight (if that's possible), as long as she understands that you are still going to dress. With the limited amount of acceptance you seem to have this might be a workable solution. It could also show her that you have respect for her feelings and that you don't want to force anything on her that she's not cmfortable with. Maybe such an offer and effort will have a positive effect on her. The important thing it this point in time is to not place what acceptance/tolerance that you HAVE in jeapordy. Believe me - there are a lot of us who would give our right arm (well. . . . . maybe not go quite THAT far - - no place for bracelets, rings, and polished nails ya know :) ) to have some degree of that tolerance.

Just my opinion.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Phoebe Reece]

Haley,

A lot of good suggestions have been made by others. I'll make a few as well:

1. Make sure she knows well in advance when your Tri-Ess meetings are, so anything critical can be dealt with beforehand. Sometimes family functions have to come first. That said, it is not unreasonable to expect her to respect your need to go to meetings.

2. Suggest (with no strings attached) that she accompany you to a Tri-Ess meeting, with you attending strictly drab. If she actually meets some other SO's and CD's and finds out they are not the monsters she imagines, there will likely be an attitude adjustment. If she refuses, drop the subject for a week or two and then bring it up again. You don't want to be pushy, but you also don't want to give up either. Her meeting some others is critical.

3. Get her to explain what she wants from you short of you stopping crossdressing altogether. Suggest to her that you agree to some boundaries between you concerning crossdressing. Things like not dressing around the house or whatever - but don't make any promises you can't keep. And you need to stick to the boundaries, unless you reach a new agreement with her in the future.

4. If she really believes crossdressing to be a sinful activity, you might want to check out Sandra Stewart's website http://www.gendertree.com/ for info on how to deal with that aspect of her beliefs. She might be surprised to find out that there are even a number of ministers who are crossdressers themselves.

5. Don't let it bother you that she refuses to read any books or go to any websites on the subject of crossdressing. She thinks crossdressing is a bad thing and to actively seek information that may challenge that belief is not something she is going to want to do. It is up to you to slowly and patiently teach her what are facts and what are myths on the subject. When she is ready, she will seek information herself.

6. Don't bring up the subject of Halloween again for this year. That is obviously a flash point with her.

I wish you all the best in this.

[HaleyPink2000]

I have already curtailed my dressing for now. I have not taken any of my Femme clothing out of our closet, or even off the hangers in our bed room. Not going to purge as I have in the past this time.

As for going to a Game of my Grand Kids. I have the kids every weekend almost. From Friday Night till Sunday. Longer if it’s a holiday. That is anywhere from 3 to 5 kids from age 10 to 14. This has been since all of them had been born. I know my Wife is compulsive about having the Grand Kids around. Always has been. We take them to everything from swimming classes to Music and dance classes and Voice lessons. They live almost an Hour from us, and it is quite costly for us to go get them. Then to take them home all the time. But we do. I'm just of a normal income, and my Daughter does not contribute to the Kids things. She supports her household mostly.

It’s like the Boy Scouts etc. I do it on my income for the Kids. I do what I can with my health. But it ends up most of the time my wife taking them to their appointments. For new glasses etc. I end up buying all of it for them. On as I said a normal income. While I’m working my job their spending it, LOL. I don’t mind actually. I just want them to have a good childhood. Without all the stress I had to go through growing up. It’s a Grandpa thing.

So that’s why I feel so strongly about having one day a month that is just mine to go to my TriEss meeting. We seem to never be alone. She knows now that I don't want them here all the time. But She would if She could. I love the Kids but lets get real. Give Grandpa a break once and a while.

I'd rather not talk about my health issues. I'm a very private person about that. I know, it's just us Girls here. But sometime maybe on Yahoo IM I will tell a select few. Sorry!

As for my wife knowing about my meetings and the dates. Yes She knows them. As some have mentioned they are marked on the monthly chart of family events on the wall. Yeah it's a thing She wants me to stop. Says it’s just a way to say this is not wrong even though it is. I happen to think She is wrong. I don’t feel I am hurting anyone doing this. I feel She’s just been trained that it’s a Sin or something. I dono I guess I’ll find out.

Today was amazing though. She actually said we'd forget the weekend ever did happen. I don't know what to make of it. Way to wild, almost spooky. She was very nice to me all day.

I'll do as you all have said, keep trying to get her to a meeting. But that is what did set her off. As for Halloween, I'm going even if She don't. Most of you probably have the idea by now I’m going to listen to you all. Your correct in thinking that. For I am a believer in asking for help and listening to people that have been through the same thing. My Father always said there is always someone that has had that problem, what ever it is. So ask questions and someone will know the answer.

Also Dad always said: that I'm not here with original problems, that just pertain to me. He's a smart cookie my Dad. Wish I could tell him about this.

My Daughter knows and is supportive. She has been a HR leader for a major Company for the last 8 years. Good thing is, She is my friend to.

Many good ideas. The one about the seeking someone for us to go talk to is good. I am looking into that now. Have several TriEss heads looking for TG friendly professionals to talk to us.

Love to you all. Please keep us in your prayers. Also anymore Ideas please keep them coming my way.

Thanksssssssssss!
Haley:)

[JocelynG]

Read my e-mail I sent you sweetie

[HaleyPink2000]

I can't tell you how much all of you meen to me. Thanks so much for the postings and e-mailings.

Haley:)

[JocelynG]

Anything we can do to help Haley. We are sisters after all :)