The fear of being found out you cross-dress why is it so bad

[MJ]

Why are you so scared to go out, why are you so scared to tell your family

how can we change the world if we are too scared to be ourselves

you all are Beautiful people smart well adjusted caring and you are not doing anything wrong and the truth is you look better than i do :straightface:

why is fear so powerful that it stop you from showing your true colour's

my heart goes out to you i wish you could see the world as i do no fear but i'm out and i wish you all were too.
huggs

add :- addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think,
thank you Mandy

please read all post i'm not trying to offend anyone i just wanted to know and make friends not enemys

[katrinakat]

Thank you for your insight. I wish i could drop the weights, and I do, but sometimes it hurts and I feel guilty for being me. As i've gotten older and wiser, I've become more accepting of myself
but at times I have shame. But I can't change!

Just trying to be me.

KatT

[MJ]

but at times I have shame. But I can't change!

Just trying to be me.

KatT
sure you can change Kat look at me i once was a guy. i've change and there is no shame in being you

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Two words "PAIN" and "REJECTION". The pain from possible physical and mental ridicule by others. Rejection from family,friends and society for being someone different from the so-called norm. Maybe "SHAME" if loosely used within a society with a fixed sense of their normality. Embarrassment for not being the "MAN" that you were physically born as and maybe not emotionally. Acceptance or the fear of rejection for causing embarrassment to parents who may have believed you to be the man. Fear for being someone you are not and rejected because you maybe someone else. "LIE" because you are no longer true to yourself and others, you become false as a person.

[eluuzion]

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw".

I am doing just fine as I am, thanks. I do not fear anything (except the Internal Revenue Service). I am not scared of anything (ok, except spiders and cockroaches). I am doing lots of things wrong, but I do not feel crossdressing is one of them. I do not stand to gain anything by sharing my CD experiences with my family. I show my true colors everyday, most people think I am an "nut" and they are probably right...but I enjoy my life.

I dress 24/7, go out when the urge strikes and enjoy my version of the CD experience. I pick my "battles", which there are few worth "fighting" in my case. I do not have any motivating reasons that would justify a swipe at committing "social suicide", lol.

I live life in terms of "percentages" and "risk assessment". The avenue which presents the greatest percentage of being successful with the least amount of risk is the path I take.

But that is just me...:hugs:

:love:

[Annaliese2010]

...why is fear so powerful that it stop you from showing your true colours...I'm not fearful necessarily. There is a greater reality for people though. It's called the practical world and the strictures to behavior one must abide in order to succeed in it. I do go out. I'm just discriminating about with whom, when & where. Why? Um...I think it's called money i.e. wealth, opportunity, income, salary. Freedom has degree's measured in dollars (USD, if you please). Hard enough to come by normally. Harder more when you advertise how you're....a member of the transgendered minority. You can take up the cause, if you feel the need...wish I could help but there's more important things that fascinate me.

[Ria]

Yeah... no... I'm good. I like it between just me and my wife... I like to slip in and out of the role. I like the variety. Let the "cat out of the bag" to everyone and that's... just plain disruptive.

I liked your candor though, you're a sweety

[Danni Bear]

MJ,

There are many reasons and excuses for not being out about crossdressing. Fear of rejection from friends and loved ones top the list. It takes a very strong individual to risk losing all to be their true self. Shame, this is one that is very subjective to all. hatred and bigotery from society is another reason, the very real possibility of being harmed or killed exist. In a perfect world these would not be. this world they have to be taken into consideration before any can be open and out. Risk and reward which is right for you. Only each knows that answer. It is different for all.

Danni

[Karren H]

I have never had any fear of being found out... Which is why when I was discovered by my wife... I wasn't prepared for the pain and anguish and the screaming and crying... She was pretty upset too! Lol

A little fear is a good thing.. Trust this old coal miner. You don't respect potential dangers and you will be severely injured... Being fearless or having overwhelming fear are both problematic, imho.

[Pythos]

Two words. Pilot's Certificate. Another word. Mother.

I don't want to risk the work I have put into my pilot's certificate. I have done much sacrifice into the ratings I have obtained. When I was first flying I regularly wore leggings and or catsuits, but after 9/11 machoism and fear seemed to grip my little airfield, which I had to take an absence from for 3 years. Upon my return I was frightened by how closed minded many at the airport had become.

As far as my mother is concerned. Due to this wonderful economy I am having to live at her house. I just don't want to deal with her ignorant BS. Recall this is the mother that calls me a Fairy for wearing my leggings, when she heard of my Rocky Horror costume she just about had kittens. She is very very fixed in her ways (well at least when it comes to how men should present themselves, but when it comes to how women present themselves she is all for them having full range of expression)

I just don't want to deal with her nonsense. It is a shame because aside from that I really love her and care for her.

There are also "nosey" neighbors that tell her of what I am wearing when I head out. (yes you heard me right.) One time when I was living in my own apartment my mom came over and in the conversation asked me to not wear what I like in areas she frequents. She does not want her friends seeing me.

In short it is not really my fear I deal with, it is other people's fears.

I will say though. I think us "choosing our battles" is a major part of the problem. If there was ever a day that was clearly called "fashion freedom day" I would surely participate, and in my most exotic get up. But you see, there are no such days. I do do my part. I get out there in my stuff, just not around the airport, and "running under the radar" of my mom. I wear leggings or spandex jeans to work regularly, have yet to get the gumption to don a skirt though. Would absolutely love to though.

[Nikki A.]

How about job and career and the responsibility of supporting my family. Once the kids are on their own maybe Then I can trully be who I want to be whenever I want to be. In the meanwhile I will go out and interact with people when I choose to and where I choose.

[LitaKelley]

I used to be worried.. Now I just don't care.. I go out.. I go to my local supermarket dressed.. I get coffee at my local Dunkin Donuts while dressed...I go to McDonald's dressed... I go shopping locally and out of town.. I even go out in my own backyard dressed, even walk out front and cross the street to get the mail.. I drive.. I go out.. I get gas.. I told friends, I told some family, I even put an en femme photo of myself as my profile pic on my male self's facebook as some means of telling everyone else I know.... I don't care about what the neighbors think, certainly not the many strangers out there,,, and if a friend has a problem, then they're not much of a friend, but to date, I have yet to encounter anything negative whatsoever from anyone. I am blessed and fortunate that those closest to me are open minded and accepting.

The ONLY people I don't want finding out from anyone else but ME is my two older daughters nor do I want my mother or aunt to know, because my daughters live with them. (long story)... nonetheless, I HATE both of these women for their backstabbing and what they've done to me, and had my daughters not been living with them, I'd in a heartbeat show up on their doorsteps fully dressed in the sexiest and ****tiest outfit possible in the hope of causing them a heart attack. My wife and I both mutually agree that we don't want her parents nor anyone else in her family to know either, however, many of her friends know.. a few of whom actually think it's "cool", lol.. and one of them even commented that she loves crossdressers... "SHE'S SINGLE BY THE WAY, LOL"

Being "caught" in itself is a blessing, for had I not been purposely caught in panties by my wife a few months back, then I may of never found my self, for that was what opened the door and paved the road I take on this long journey...... Things have definitely progressed. I'm going full time, but that's for another thread.

[AllieSF]

MJ you have been here for a long time and have read a lot of posts detailing valid reasons for not coming out. All of us have our stories and reasons, what might not be valid to one person are more than valid for the next. I know you mean well and want to encourage more people to come out. And I also understand that the more of us out there in front of people the more chances there are that the general public would start realizing that we are not as bad and weird as they might think that we are. However, all that being said, the decision to come out or not can only be made by one person and no one should be using peer pressure to encourage or pressure someone to do that if they are not ready.

In my case, there is no need to know for my family and male mode friends. Yes, a few aspects of my life may get easier,. However, the negatives far outweigh the potential positives of coming out to them. Since there is no compelling reason for me to out myself, I am more than happy to continue my life as I am now. Maybe in the future I will change my mind. But right now, no way. I also have no fear in going out and meeting new people and interacting with complete strangers. I also have no fear to make the decision when I think, if I ever think, that it would be in my best interests to come out to them.

[Sophie_C]

I'm not really afraid, per se, as I am well aware that the femininity that I can't hide that well has led me to have this perpetual rumor of being gay. And, to people I know, they're looked upon as one in the same (if you crossdress, you're gay, but gay is sorta ok). So, it wouldn't change much if I dressed in public every so often, but to me, given that I'm more trans than a crossdresser, anything partial really doesn't make any sort of resolution or peace to myself, so I see no point in doing it.

[KellyCD]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me(yes, with a pistol....a S&W .38 snub nose revolver...loaded BTW) until I was knocked out cold.....yeah I think I have plenty enough reason NOT to come out. Plus with my career I would not only lose my job, and my ability to support my kids....but I would prob end up with a dishonorable discharge so I would be screwed for the rest of my life.

[aya-chan]

For me it's definitely fear of rejection. Just that my family won't accept what I'm doing as right. To be honest I just don't want to feel like their disappointed with who I am.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Very simple for me. There is still a huge stigma attached to crossdressing. As I said to a gay friend (who was once married and had a child) who knows about Pauline you got zero flack or even any problems when you came out as gay,do you think the same could be said for me? He agreed that these days it would be easier to come out as as gay rather than a hetro crossdresser.

[tinachristina]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me(yes, with a pistol....a S&W .38 snub nose revolver...loaded BTW) until I was knocked out cold.....yeah I think I have plenty enough reason NOT to come out. Plus with my career I would not only lose my job, and my ability to support my kids....but I would prob end up with a dishonorable discharge so I would be screwed for the rest of my life.

Wohh that is extreme.... and I think highly intolerant too.
When I came out to family fortunately they did not take it so bad. My mother is still not ok to talk about it but she is accepting. My sister has accepted though. I think the biggest thing is 'ridicule' and to explain to so many people why's and when's and hows. Once I told to one of my friends. She disappeared for two years out of sight. I dont want to take that risk anymore.
Wifey is totally accepting though.
Another taboo is being labelled 'gay'. Nothing wrong with it but it needs more explanation . So if CD explanation is X , CD + not gay = 2x.
Also walking in open all dressed up is no no with all creepy guys around you.
But with time I guess I will open up more than I can today. I dont care that much.

[Raychel]

For me I could not handle any Rejection associated with telling the family. I had a very rough childhood, The school years took a pretty good mental toll on me. My life is calm and relitivly stable now. I like it that way. Why chance messing with that.

[Stephanie Miller]

Why is it always about me,me,me ? I know this forum is for support of each other but for Gods sake, why is it always about us? There are tons of reasons I don't stand on the rooftop and yell "I'm a C.D., live with it. I do!" Good for you if you want to, but I have others to think about. What one person does effects so many in our lives. You may be up to getting ridiculed or put down, loose a job or end a marriage. But your wife doesn't want to be talked about behind her back throughout the neighborhood. The kids don't want to be poked fun at on the school yard. The boss doesn't want to loose customers because there's a "fag" working for him/her. The list goes on and on. I do understand the need to be out and about in order to change the perception of CD's. So don't stop going out. Just be smart about where and when. And for those that have nothing to loose - Bully for you. Go for it. Gods speed. Just don't pressure us that can loose.

[sherri]

MJ,

It takes a very strong individual to risk losing all to be their true self.

DanniFor some, in certain circumstances, it could be a sign of strength. If a person can be totally out without hurting others, and still be a productive member of society, then I salute her. But for the majority of us, given the culture we live in, it could be the epitome of self-absorption and weakness. I would consider someone willing to leave a broken marriage, shattered relationships and a ruined career in her wake for the sake of her own gratification to be undeserving of my respect. Self-realization is all well and good, but selfishness is not a virtue.

[Amanda22]

I think this is a good thread; thanks for starting it. I'm super fortunate in that I work remotely for a virtual company, and I'm the main person in a very small company. So risk of job loss due to crossdressing is non-existent. I've come out to the friends and family who matter to me and some have left my life and others have been accepting/supportive. And I have the support of my incredible wife. To sum it up, I think my situation is unusual and very, very fortunate. Therefore, I go wherever I like dressed however I like.

I don't want to change the intent of MJ's post. However, when I read it, I didn't think she was challenging others to risk jobs and marriages. I may be totally off base here, but I read it with the assumption that a person wouldn't do anything stupid to risk job/family/etc. My interpretation was that the topic is simply addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think, assuming we're not risking the aforementioned stable foundations of life. I took the challenge to be "why are we scared what strangers think?" but I may be changing the OP's intent.

[MJ]

MJ you have been here for a long time and have read a lot of posts detailing valid reasons for not coming out.

I know you mean well and want to encourage more people to come out.

is simply addressing the fear of presenting oneself authentically to the world at large and worrying about what strangers think, assuming we're not risking the aforementioned stable foundations of life. I took the challenge to be "why are we scared what strangers think?" but I may be changing the OP's intent.

Thank you Mandy

you got it... :hugs:

but there are new members and i do feel your pain, i have had the amazing privilege to meet many wonderful members from here wonderful people.

you don't have to be out...out but coffee with like minded friends get out of the closet it's not so bad out in the real world ..
i just want you to be happy have fun meet new friends get out there just because you all rock and you deserve way better
big huggs
love you all

[Roberta Marie]

MJ


We all have our own way to go in this life, our own path to walk. What may work for you on your path may not work for someone on a different path. The needs and desires of a TS are quite different than the needs and desires of a CD. We all make decisions based on the circumstances in which we find ourselves. The decisions that you make for the circumsatnces of your life may be quite different that the decisions that I make for the circumstances in my life. I would not ask you to live by the decisions that I make for me, and I ask you not expect me to make the same decisions that you have made. Because your decisions are different than mine does not make them any more right or wrong than mine. You want respect for who you are regardless of the path that you are on, so please, respect others for who they are regardless of the path that they are on. Please don't judge me because my decisions are different than yours.

Grace,
Bobbi

[GingerLeigh]

Fear.
Sure it's justified and it's bad. People only suspect me of crossdressing and already there is hate and animosity thrown my way. What do I fear? Personal harm, isolation and ridicule. I've already been subjected to it and I never admitted to anything. Who doesn't fear that?
Even though nobody else does, I have accepted myself for who I am. I applaud those of us that take the fight to the streets to make the public aware of who we really are. Am I prepared to stand up and rally behind those that stand for us? Nope. Am I a coward for that? No, because I have so much more to lose than my (damaged) status, my family. Who wants their kid to come home from school saying "...Johnny said daddy's a fag, what's a fag Daddy?..." This scares me more than death itself.

Ginger

[AKAMichelle]

I couldn't agree more. 2.5 years ago I was suicidal and scared of my own shadow. I hadn't been that way but after 2 years of losing my business and a wife who is afraid of everything created a big scaredy cat. When I went out the door dressed for the first time, it was terrible. The word to use with my first outing was horrifying but I perserved. I beat my fear of cd'ing and in return beat the other fears. In 3 months I recovered half of my business and haven't looked back once.

When I started this journey, I never thought that I would be the face of anything related to cd'ing. Now I run a meetup group in Denver with 102 members after only 5.5 months. I am even planning on doing some outreach into the community next year. Fear no longer cripples my future.

[Cindi]

I must echo Amanda's words.

MJ means well and is only encouraging those who may be a litle trimid about facing the big, bad world. It really is not that bad and if you have no good reason for staying in the closet, then get out and enjoy life as you feel it.

[Pythos]

To the person that said you would have no respect for some that risked it all just for their own self gratification.

SHAME ON YOU!!!

That is such a horrible stance. Have you not seen the hell people went through when it came to the advancement of a cause, not the least being JESUS. That's right, Jesus. I will not take this on a religious direction, but people should learn a bit more of how his family at first rejected him.

Now, if I were to sacrifice everything it would be a) so I could look and dress how I wanted, but also b) pave the way for others that would also like that freedom. It would not simply be about me.

People get ostrasized from family for inumerable reasons. How about the gay people coming out to their families, and work? Many stayed in the closet to their dying day, for much the same reason I may. But I pray one day there will be an influx of Straight MtoF that just say "screw you society, your notions are backwards and sexist" and then I will join.

In the mean time, aside from those two factors mentioned, I am quite open with my wearing skirts, and other "feminine" garments.

[TGMarla]

The answer to this is obvious. People often look at you as a lesser person if they find out you're gender-bending. Their preconceived ideas about the transgendered, even those of your relatives and loved ones, often outweigh their attitudes towards you that they already have. And finding out that you're a crossdresser will change their conception of who you are, and generally not for the better. I think most of us would rather maintain the status quo than go through the pain and emotional turmoil of losing our standing with those who are closest to us in what may turn out to be a vain attempt to change the prevailing attitudes about the transgendered.

Sure, without such attempts, these attitudes will not change any time soon. But very few people have the fortitude to jump on that grenade.

[Marissa]

To the person that said you would have no respect for some that risked it all just for their own self gratification.

SHAME ON YOU!!!


Pythos, I did not even want to respond on the aspects of religion vs the topic. That's a can of worms left for another fight or thread (if you get past the mods). :)

So I will give my view of the statement, I will not sacrifice the livelihood of my children for the sake of my self-gratification. IF my children are old enough (emotionaly ready for the younger ones) to make their own decisions and are okay with it and the ramifications that may be endured..fine. Otherwise, I would limit my 'self-expressions'.

------------------

For MJ and others who may desire to post this type of thread in the future:

Please take in consideration of what you are stating before you hit that Post Button. Not all are in a world where as stated so well earlier, that we can yell from the rooftop. We have alot to consider before we even take a step out of the closet, much less the front door..to enjoy a cup of coffee with friends as we are dressed. Some have to battle their inner feelings first.. to wage the outcome of the battle.

IF it was not for Amanda22 adding to clarify the original post, I saw this as another person's opinion that could be taken in by 'new members' without weighing the consequences. Yes, most would take what I just said and respond with "we are all adult here and make our own decisions".

How true...now do a search on those who were upset by accepting a post as it was written to 'tell your SO/wife, etc..you will feel better' Just to find out it did not go well..and the MEMBER blames the site. So much for being able to make our own decisions. That is why I try to put a line "this is just my opinion, you are responsible for your own actions".

Its great to see some providing support to other to further themselves into the glbt life, but please don't make it sound like its a simple journey for all to get to the cloud with silver lining.

Thanks for reading my 'rant' :)

Marissa

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm about to the point where I really don't care who knows I'm a crossdresser. However, my wife is at a point where she does. I am not about to complicate her life any more than I have over the years, so I'll be patient.

[suzy1]

Sorry but this sort of post irritates me a little. Why do some here assume all crossdressers want or need to ‘go out’?
I don’t but I respect the ones that do. Please remember that there are some of us that don’t go out because we don’t want or need to. Simple as that!

SUZY

[Sandra]

Well it seems that some of you have gone and gotten your knickers/panties in a twist :)

I don't see anywhere where Mj is saying you should be doing this, she is just trying to put her opinion across.

If this kind of post irritates you then don't bother posting just move along.

[MJ]

Sorry but this sort of post irritates me a little. Why do some here assume all crossdressers want or need to ‘go out’?
I don’t but I respect the ones that do. Please remember that there are some of us that don’t go out because we don’t want or need to. Simple as that!

SUZY

guess i'm not making any new friends here. seemed interesting post to me. and we here all the time why can't we do this or that or can't dress for a party or whatever.
so to me if you had the chance to go dressed you would.
i meant no offence to anyone just asking thats all

[suzy1]

Sorry everyone. Sorry M.J. I’m just being a bit grumpy tonight. I’m out of order saying what I said.

SUZY

[MJ]

that's OK :hugs:

[NicoleWest37]

These treads are interesting cause we all are at different stages and positions in life. Some are free to do what they desire and others have stiff penalties for coming out. It is not an equal world and circumstances do dictate what each of us can or must do. In a Utopian society it should make no difference how we dress or how we present to the public but we live in a real society with hatred, different religious views, and prejudice that control peoples views of acceptable behavior. So some of us have no choice but to hide in fear because the dangers and consequences are all to real.

[KayleeDahl]

I am working towards my future, one that will include going full time. That said, there are a number of risks, both financial and social that the "stigma" of crossdressing or transitioning cause. This is a given, because we live in a world that is occupied by a large percentage of small minded people.

Once I'm able to make sure that my income is fairly secure, I will be in a position to risk the social side. I think one of the reasons that we are all on this forum is for the support, and advice, and insight into who we are and where our paths lead ahead.

I hope everyone will be able to find happiness, in the way that they themselves measure it.

Hugs
Kaylee

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

MJ
I personally think it is a good topic because it promotes questioning oneself and hopefully results in understanding more about oneself. Personal circumstances really do dictate ones reasons for their own decisions and I salute those who have circumstances that allow them to be more open in coming out. I also salute others who for their own reasons remain private and yes, they may question and continue to question why and others who are content with their current attitude with their crossdressing behaviour. I thank the website for allowing me a place to come and be me and enjoy topics presented here for comment and learn. One thing that I really do like is the atmosphere of mutual respect and a low amount of so called dictatorship, heck I get a lot of that within my social circumstances. For me I respect my fear of pain and rejection because it allows me to tread with caution as if my actions offend the wrong person, my life may not be as I wished it to be.

[Annaliese2010]

Well considering my father went to prison for murder.....and when my mother found me wearing a bra she pistol whipped me...Awww... how horrible Kelly!!! Well...you certainly have some kind of inner strength girl! To turn out so sweet & nice in spite of being exposed to such violence makes that much clear.

With...

Strength & Honor! / Sympathy & Understanding!

-Liese

[daphne g]

Hi all , I'm not sure about this but the guys that I've told have all said "it's all ok, no big deal
and a couple of girls ,not all though have said "yuck"
I think theyr fixed on the knight in shining armour thing
and that dosnt help us pretty balerinas or princesses one bit
I don't think we should all come out to everybody we know
but everyone should decide for themselves who they tell
we will allways be some perverted fringe group , that's not going to change I don't think
that's my five pence worth

[SusieB]

Daphne

My SO is one of those girls who would say yuck! In fact she would say a lot more and in clearer and more graphic tones.I would dearly love to share with her but I wont tell her because I know how much it would hurt her. The closet is one heck of a lonely place but in my case loneliness is a small price to pay to avoid the alternative. I dont feel sorry for myself and I dont feel any need to come out to anyone other than her. I do so envy those who can.

[serinalynn]

I'm not afraiid to go out wearing womens clothing. I even recieved a compliment today from a Sales Associate at a Catherines store that I went to to buy some new hosery. Along with the compliment I got 30% off my purchase and got one free pair of Pantihose. I dress as a casual woman everyday since I hae so much clothing .now. I very carefully pick places I go when I am dressed as a woman because I don't try to look feminine. I'm just a guy dressed in womens clcothing when I'm out nd almost always in day light hours. I;ve gotten a few stares from other people, but no one except for my wife has said anything to me about my dressing.

[gianna25]

MJ...i get what you are asking....and to me i am not upset with you...its an honest question...and some of my TS friends i have met ask the same thing....who cares if your friends/family know...

well here is my two and a half cents on it lol

for me i love being a guy i work out a lot and play sports just love all aspects of it...i dont wish to become a woman just cause i enjoy dressing like one at times...my problem like so many others is that we dont want to take the abuse from others....some people can deal with the persecution for being "different" others cant...the funny thing i think is that the people who would probabaly persecute us are the same ones trying to pick us up when we are out LOL...anyway the bottom line for me is fear of being thought of differently by others...and i know that i shouldnt care what others think but i do....so i admire those of you that can live 100% out of the closet and do what you want in life but for me i am glad my house has big closets that i can hide in LOL...would love to meet a girl that would be into dating a CD but again i dont think i could ever come out to one of my gf's cause of that same fear that you get into a fight and they would "out me"

anyway thats my reason for living the way i do...hope that gives you a better undertanding

[MJ]

A we dont want to take the abuse from others

B would love to meet a girl that would be into dating a CD but again i dont think i could ever come out to one of my gf's cause of that same fear that you get into a fight and they would "out me"



A, you work out like i'm going to pick on you..... not

B, i'm Free :D

[Proteus]

It's the career with me too. I don't know if it gets better in more senior positions, though. But right now I certainly can't afford to have my application end up in the trash because I want both male and female uniform.

Unfortunately the gender binary seems to be set in stone in this society. It's one thing with transsexuals who are exclusively male or female, but I'm having a hard time figuring out all the in-betweens myself, I can't imagine what it would be like for the completely uninitiated.

[mklinden2010]

Fear is a true color.

[Janice Lester]

MJ,

Terrific thread, I'm surprised by how many people see it as an indictment for not being out of the closet. Since I'm basically not out in my daily life I really do see it as a challenge to "be all the man you can be" lol. But I certainly don't see it as a put down for how I live my life.

When I started thinking about the negative responses (please no one take this as a judgment about you) I think the powerful emotions come from the fear, shame etc.

I love the thread because it is so thought provoking, I like having my positions on thoughts, emotions, wardrobe choices challenged.

So thank you for starting it. :)

[Marissa]

Well it seems that some of you have gone and gotten your knickers/panties in a twist :)

Seems that it was only Suzy who has gotten her knickers in a twist, but then knowing her, she might not be wearing any :eek::heehee:

I don't see anywhere where Mj is saying you should be doing this, she is just trying to put her opinion across.

If this kind of post irritates you then don't bother posting just move along.

Now..now Sandra, you as a mod are doing a great job protecting one who is just giving her "opinion"..should not that same support to protect be given to another who is giving their own opinion, even if irritated? As long as they are being respectful in BOTH cases...

With the exception of this: "my heart goes out to you i wish you could see the world as i do no fear but i'm out and i wish you all were too." MJ was coming across as if life is full of tranquilaty and we should just 'come out' to the world without fear.

I will say it one more time, if it wasn't for Amanda22 adding to it and provided some clarity, which MJ later agreed, the opinions would have continued to be more irritatable (panties bunched). Just my opinion :)

This has now become a thread to show the different reasons as to why we can come out to the world while others have to stay at the present level of within. Ain't life grand???? :daydreaming:

Please don't strike me with mod lightening..again!! :D

Marissa

[Polly R]

Pauline said:>
>Very simple for me. There is still a huge stigma attached to crossdressing. As I said to a gay friend (who was once married and had a child) who knows about Pauline you got zero flack or even any problems when you came out as gay,do you think the same could be said for me? He agreed that these days it would be easier to come out as as gay rather than a hetro crossdresser.

And Tania said:
> Two words "PAIN" and "REJECTION". The pain from possible physical and mental ridicule by others. Rejection from family,friends and society for being someone different from the so-called norm. Maybe "SHAME" if loosely used within a society with a fixed sense of their normality. Embarrassment for not being the "MAN" that you were physically born as and maybe not emotionally. Acceptance or the fear of rejection for causing embarrassment to parents who may have believed you to be the man. Fear for being someone you are not and rejected because you maybe someone else. "LIE" because you are no longer true to yourself and others, you become false as a person.

And Nikki said:>
How about job and career and the responsibility of supporting my family. Once the kids are on their own maybe Then I can trully be who I want to be whenever I want to be. In the meanwhile I will go out and interact with people when I choose to and where I choose.

So I say that between all of these lies where I think / feel. Probably what Tania and Nikki said are the strongest reasons for keeping it all under wraps. I do have a SO who, after years of having to put up with me CDing, appears to be reasonably accepting these days and has helped me no end these last couple of years. I'm very grateful to her for this and I try not to push the boundaries. I still don't go out - apart from several visits to the local CDers group but she seems to want me to try going out now but I'm still a little nervous and Pauline has hit the nail on the head with her comment. And, for the record, I'm strictly a hetero CDer who just likes to put on a nice frock, some slap, heels and a wig to slake my feminine side...

xx Polly R

[Polly R]

Mandy (Amanda22) said (snipped)>
> And I have the support of my incredible wife. To sum it up, I think my situation is unusual and very, very fortunate.

That's something I've found quite heartening in the short time I've been on this forum - the numbers who have come out to their wives / SOs and HAVE ended up with a very supportive SO. I too am in this lucky position with a supportive wife but as I've posted a little earlier, I keep it quiet from others for the reasons explained.

It could quite easily gone the other way and led to pain and rejection for both of us as has happened to so many others.

xx Polly R

[MJ]

[COLOR=darkslateblue][B]With the exception of this: "my heart goes out to you i wish you could see the world as i do no fear but i'm out and i wish you all were too." MJ was coming across as if life is full of tranquilaty and we should just 'come out' to the world without fear.


Marissa

tranquilaty !!!! hell no like so many fear i lost everything twice ended up at a womans shelter with nothing so i know better. many of you live in fear my hope is that one day you won't have to live in fear

we are amazing wonderful people it's a shame we have to hide i meant no disrespect

[Marissa]

tranquilaty !!!! hell no like so many fear i lost everything twice ended up at a womans shelter with nothing so i know better. many of you live in fear my hope is that one day you won't have to live in fear

we are amazing wonderful people it's a shame we have to hide i meant no disrespect

MJ, please do understand that this thread has taken on another light to a degree where various experiences and fears are being presented so (one): we know what it feels like to have found the freedom for expression, (two): what some of the prices were, (three): what can be the prices.

If you had stated these comments from the get go and given what the your final results were..the freedom to express. My only response would have been "that's great that you have found it and survived the suffering, thank you for giving hope".

Again, the original post was as if you just flick a switch and all is good. Please understand my explanation..and dont see it as butting heads. I never said your post was WRONG, just needed that clarification.

Besides the unknown.. yes I fear disclosure, but its not a weakness, its a precaution. Its respect for my mother, my daughter, even my neighbors in a way.

Marissa

[hhdave]

I think my answer is the same as many here. It's easy to say "you gotta be yourself and don't be ashamed of who you are". Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't always see it that way. I was fortunate to have a wife who was OK with my wearing women's shoes, but the last girlfriend wanted nothing to do with them and thinks I'm gay because of it. My family is pretty non-judgemental, but I'm very fearful of being a big disappointment to them if they found out.

[Lottie]

I guess I was really lucky with how the family members I told reacted. They've all been supportive of me, even the ones I told whom I thought wouldn't be. The first thing my sister said to me when I told her was "I love you". :)

[Melinda G]

I'm not afraid to go out, and I do from time to time. But my crossdressing is private, like any other part of my sex life. I don't blab to my family and kids about my sex life, so why would I tell them about my dressing?
Further, many people equate crossdressing with being gay, no matter how you try to explain it. "Why would you want to look like a woman"? "Do you try and attract men"?
And lastly,I want my kids to view me, and remember me as "Dad", not "Dad the crossdresser".

[Lottie]

I'm not afraid to go out, and I do from time to time. But my crossdressing is private, like any other part of my sex life. I don't blab to my family and kids about my sex life, so why would I tell them about my dressing?
Further, many people equate crossdressing with being gay, no matter how you try to explain it. "Why would you want to look like a woman"? "Do you try and attract men"?
And lastly,I want my kids to view me, and remember me as "Dad", not "Dad the crossdresser".
I understand what you mean.. There's people I wouldn't want knowing, just because they wouldn't understand.

[Nicole Erin]

If someone goes out or risks other factors in life depends on how important their femme side is.
If one is TS and needs to live full time regardless of cost and passability, then yes it is worth it.
For some CD who guards their secret life in dire hopes that no one finds out, well so be it.

It would be hard to throw away a good social status, job, and family just to do this though.

Myself - I kind of grew up a loner, have faced embarrasement when I was a teen cause of a CD'ing incident that happened when I was a kid. I have never had a good career. Never had much luck in dating scene anyways. Family is accepting. Friends come and go. For each person that walks out of your life, another is waiting to come in.

I guess what makes it easy for me is I have been conditioned from my younger years for this rejection and/or embarrasement that some fear and probably have never dealt with. When you are in 7th grade, waiting at the bus stop, and the neighborhood prick decides to announce loudly about how you got caught wearing pantyhose, nothing is more embarrasing. (I don't think anyone really cared but in my mind, that was a trip to hell.)

We all have certain abilities, advantages, or maybe disadvantages that effect our desire to be ourselves or not.
I am more-less full time, as in, sure I don't pass but the world sees Erin daily.

Basically, MJ, we TS are living the life of "en femme" while to a CD, it is but a hobby. Sometimes I wish my TG life was nothing more than staring at my nyloned toes in sandals behind drawn shades and locked doors, but that is the hobby aspect.

A TS woman has bigger fish to fry. We have no choice but to take our nyloned toes in sandals out into the real world and damn the torpedos.

[docrobbysherry]

I've found EVERY outing I've made to be VERY STRESSFUL! Mostly, because I CAN'T express myself as the CD I REALLY am! :sad:

At home, I can dress; SEXY, SLOPPY, PARTIALLY, SILLY, STUPIDLY, or COMPLETELY NAKED if I like!:o And, NO STRESS! Just FUN!:D

But, when going out, I must select the rite granny, blending, matching, appropriate outfit! :doh: NOT fun!

And, CDing is simply NOT GENERALLY ACCEPTABLE for those of us that CAN'T EVER PASS!

I don't go around; flipping folks off, making fun of, or thumbing my nose at everyone! Why would I chance that from others?

Don't get me wrong, MJ. Dressing to meet other CDs. Or, going out to clubs or CD friendly venues is COOL! :) I want to do MORE of that!:thumbsup:

But, going to the grocery store, dept. store, or bank dressed? NOT for me!:thumbsdn: