Did anybody have trouble deciding? How did you?

[shapeshifter]

Hi,

I'm currently exploring my gender. My biggest doubt: most of the trans interviews, vlogs, and autobiographies I've encountered star trans people who always knew, from a very early age. My childhood definitely had its gender bending and suppressing moments, but never that kind of certainty. Yet, I hate being male, and in a lot of ways, I'm good at being a girl!

What terrifies me more than the bigots and bashers is myself! I know I'm strong enough to survive transition, but not a mistaken one!

So, I was wondering, were any of you ever in this spot? Did anybody here NOT always know? Did any of you take a long time to figure out your were trans, and that transition was right for you? In the end, how did you decide?

~B

[Danni Bear]

Shapeshifter,

For me personally, I always knew that something was wrong. What that something was took longer to figure out. Most TS either pre-op,post-op,or transitioning felt and knew things were not right. The path and decisions that each made was and is personal to each. No two of us took the same path to where we are now. That is why the questions and aid of good and qualified therapists and Dr's is so important. In the same spot that you are in, no but we have all been in spots that are similiar. That one is yours and yours alone, noone can know what you feel inside. We can and will help you in your quest for answers, to support you in however you proceed in your journey.

Danni

[morgan51]

I knew something was wrong at 4 I didn't do anything about it untill 55 hope you can find out what it is and fix it earlier a good councilor is a real plus. Money well spent. Like Danni said we all arrive here thru different paths each one a blessing and a trial. Hugs Morgan

[sandra-leigh]

If I recall correctly, earlier this year there was a long-ish thread started by Ze in which a fair number of people indicated that they had not been "sure since childhood" and had been confused and had doubts for years on end. I don't recall at the moment whether that thread was here or in the Transmen section.

In one of my threads last year, I did a bunch of questioning about whether I was "just" a cross-dresser or something more (in particular, TG). I got various opinions, with a complete range from "If you have to ask, then you aren't" to "You are transsexual". It was a lot to think about. In the end, my rational decision on the matter was that it was a point that was not rationally decidable. My emotional decision on the matter was not that I "wanted" to be one way or the other: instead it was just that one day I looked again at the question and "just knew" that I was indeed transgender / androgynous.

Why did I go through a lot of rational questioning only to leave rationality behind without qualm and trust that I had found the right answer? Maybe when I started the asking I wasn't ready for self-acceptance yet. On the other hand, knowing myself and the way I think, for all that I tend to convey my thoughts as if I think very procedurally from basic principles, much closer to the truth is that I think in ways that other people would consider to be highly intuitive: once I know the parameters to what is being asked, the answer usually "pops in to my head", and then the rest of the time is usually not spent in "solving" the problem but in explaining my solution and proving that it is a good one. Thus, for me, it could have been that I needed to ask all those questions and think about what the questions even meant in order to provide the internal information for my "intuition" to be able to present the answer to me.

My gender therapist tends to see me as more female-like than I consider myself. An important aspect of that dynamic is that I tend to look for "evidence" for my truths, and to hesitate or be agnostic when I do not perceive that evidence or do not consider it conclusive enough. That's not something I can (or want to) change about myself: I work in the sciences and am known for my consideration of a wide variety of factors instead of trusting to optimism that we have "the right answer, this time!" Still, if I do proceed with an HRT trial and during that trial, my intuition gives me further guidance, I am likely to trust it.

[jerca]

If I recall correctly, earlier this year there was a long-ish thread started by Ze in which a fair number of people indicated that they had not been "sure since childhood" and had been confused and had doubts for years on end. I don't recall at the moment whether that thread was here or in the Transmen section.

This talk has been on this forum, here is that thread. (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?139758-When-did-you-know-you-should-have-been-a-girl) And I am also one of those who didn't "always knew". I realised that much later in my life and at that point I also undestood some "hints" that happened in tha past. Now I am trying to act very cautious about this, to somehow preserve my familly and the way I live. I am doing my best to _not_ be an elephant in chine store :-)

[Stephanie Anne]

Knowing something is off and accepting are two wildly different things. It took me over 30 years to come to terms with all of this. During that time, I doubted just about everything about myself. It pretty much took everyone who knew thinking I was being over dramatic about my own self doubt to realize I was being over dramatic about my own self doubt.

[Faith_G]

Not every child is so self-aware and self-confident that he or she can say with absolute clarity that there is a gender discrepancy. I certainly couldn't. But it showed in my behavior. Early on, my friends were little girls. When I was banished from the dress-up box, I expressed my gender by cross dressing in secret, and could not stop despite frequent and traumatic punishment. When I was about 10, my Mom asked "Do you want to be a girl?" the answer in my head was "Yes!" but the way the question was asked made it clear that "Yes!" was the wrong answer. And for another 25 years I denied, suppressed, tried to cover up, but I could not escape the truth despite my best efforts. I think most of us have gone through periods of intense self-doubt and denial. If this is a reality that you keep coming back to, it's the truth.

[Chari]

We are all at different points on the gender scale, and that scale has many variables. Many of us did learn early in life we were different and were punished for even considering doing/wearing things as the opposite gender! Others had to wait, and many are still waiting to be loved and accepted for who they are. Only recently has society considered (somewhat) and allowed some children to live and become the gender they prefer the most comfortable representing. That too IMO, is what each individual must do -always be comfortable and confident in who YOU are, no matter what you are wearing!

[tanyalynn51]

The problem with people who say that if you dont know for sure that youre female, and never have any questions or doubts, is that they are being bigoted in their own way. We hate to be stereotyped, but this in itself is stereotyping. Find a good therapist, and find out who YOU are, not who or what everyone else says you should be, no matter where anyone else assumes you are. I got a lot of wonderful comfort and advice since Ive been here, and was around 95% sure when I started seeing a therapist (one who is very experienced, and considered an expert). I am now taking hormones, and making a plan for the future.

[Karen564]

When I was very young, I didn't really know I was a boy until I got into a school's social setting, that's where they quickly set me straight...after that moment, I just figured I was the only one in the entire world/ universe that felt as I did inside, so I just figured that was a freak....

[Jorja]

I knew something wasn't quite right as a young child. It took a long time to figure out just what that was. After being pointed towards a gender thearpist by a friend, I was able to discover why I felt the way I did. After going full time it took another 9 years for me to decide having SRS was the right choice for me. So I guess you could say I had trouble deciding.

[Louise C]

I had dreams from the age of about 6 or 7 involving playing in a group of girls, putting on makeup, i always seemed to be a girl.
At school i was always emotional, prone to crying (the boys nicknamed me babytears!), always hung with the girls and never wanted to play football at breaktime with the rest of the boys. I just enjoyed the company of girls more and found i connected with them. and you know what? They accepted me as part of the gang. It never occurred to me that i may want later on in life to transition.

I used to watch my glamourous mum get made up in the evenings when she was due out to dinner with my dad, he didn't like that one bit. Said i would turn out to be a poof. I remember seeing Tula, the bond girl in one of the English newspapers and being totally transfixed by what i saw and read - There was someone else like me!

I always fancied girls though, so dated many, married one, had kids and found that even though my wife knew from three months in to the relationship that i needed to crossdress regularly, she became more and more resistant to giving me a bit of time to myself. Thats when the problems really started. I used to cry when i had been dressed all day and then have to go back to being male. Something was seriously wrong.

I had never really considered transition and didn't really know too much about it until i started digging around and funnily enough, visiting this forum a couple of years ago. I had always thought that i would take the severity of my gid to the grave and never have to admit it to anyone. The last thing i wanted was to lose my wife, home and possibly the love of my two lads. Sadly, these feelings paled into insignificance when it finally hit home that this WAS my life, i WAS a man, would ALWAYS be a man and indeed DIE a man. That was what finally broke me and caused me to seek some help from my gp before i did something bad.:sad:

The rest is posted here and there on the forum so i won't bore you with it, but if you can draw a few parallels to what i have experienced over the years, then i suggest you get yourself to a therapist or doc before it's too late. This life really is too short to be wondering what the hell is going on when the answers are out there and people are willing to help you.

I can't say these have been the happiest of times since coming out, but for the first time in my life i have a deep inner peace and feel definitely more hopeful than ever before............


(sorry to have gone on a bit, everyone....got a bit carried away there:D)

[Hope]

Knowing that you are in the wrong body, and knowing that transition is the best way to address the problem are two different things. Very different things.

Don't feel bad that you are having doubts, or feeling tentative about the process. I know people who spend a year of their life researching what car to buy. If you didn't have doubts, or weren't worried, it would be a symptom of not understanding what you are considering.

[Rianna Humble]

I just figured I was the only one in the entire world/ universe that felt as I did inside, so I just figured that was a freak....

There's the proof that you weren't thinking straight - I was the only one in the universe who felt that way :heehee:


Did anybody here NOT always know? Did any of you take a long time to figure out your were trans, and that transition was right for you? In the end, how did you decide?

In some ways these questons are not entirely related to each other. I must stress that what follows is my story and won't be exactly the same as anyone else. It is definitely not a template that I would recommend anyone to copy.

Did I NOT always know? I have known since I was about 7 or 8 that I was not like everyone else, but I can't say that I alwaays knew I would definitely need to transition. There were even extended periods when I managed to bury the ned so deep that I could get on with the pretence relatively untroubled.

Did i take a long time to figure out that I am trans and that transition was right for me? I didn't always understand that what wasn't right meant that I am trans. I had also persuaded myself several years ago that transition was not an option for me (wrong!) because no-one would want an ugly old woman. It took suicidal despair to bring me face to face with the need to accept who I am and even then I didn't immediately accept that I couldn't go on pretending to be a bloke.

In the end, how did I decide? In my case, the decision sort of made itself. I got to the stage where I felt physically sick every time I had to dress up as a man and I only really felt alive when presenting as a woman. For practical reasons, I had to put up with this state for the first 5 months of the year, but after that I sought help as soon as I could. Now everyone who knew me before says that I seem so much better in myself than I have ever been before.

When I decided to start my RLE, I thought I might be able to go at least semi-stealth, but that was not to be.

[Starling]

Shapeshifter, you should definitely see a qualified gender therapist ASAP. Confusion is normal for people with GID, because each and every one of us has initially felt alone. Thank God there are resources available now which didn't exist when we older transpeople were kids. A therapist will help you clarify your feelings, and (one hopes) help you frame the question to yourself: if this is who I am, what should I do about it?

The sooner you do this the better, before you try to mute your feelings by getting into a love relationship under false pretenses, or worse--by harming yourself or self-medicating to oblivion. Once you are able to be honest with yourself, you can be honest in seeking a mate. Let me be the seven-millionth transperson to tell you that hiding your gender identification from your lover is a recipe for heartbreak and suffering--and worst of all, guilt.

Over the decades my MTF TS feelings that have only grown stronger, and I have now reached the point of having to do something, whether it's to transition (without necessarily having HRT or SRS), or to work out some life MO that will enable me to go on without falling apart. The question pivots on my relationship with my SO; I love her dearly, and I would never consider leaving her voluntarily no matter what my gender expression; but so far she will not even talk about staying with me if I want to live as a woman.

Even though she knew I was a CD before we wed, neither she nor I knew how strong my female identification really was. I lived in ignorance and growing fear for many years, and it was only through this site and other web resources, as well as personal experiences I have had since my "awakening," that I am now ready to confront my life head-on with qualified professional help.

I hope.

:) Lallie

[DeeDee1974]

This might be too simple, but for me I knew because dressing made me feel normal. It wasn't about putting on something sexy from Victorias secret. It was about putting on some cotton panties from Hanes. What I'm trying to say is doing the everyday little things as a woman is the only way I felt right because it is me.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I never suspected that I was Trans at an early age, but I wasn't a masculine boy either. I liked the things that girls liked, the clothes, the softer colors and I liked to talk with other girls more so than guys.. I crossed dressed for a long time and was married and had children, was eventually divorced. It wasn't till I was living alone that I realized that I was trans. After reading the experiences and thoughts of so many I realized that I was reading about my life, my experiences as well. That's when I realized I was different and started to accept myself as the woman that I am. I've been on hormones for over 18-19 months's now, I'm 24/7, out at work and the names been changed. I occassionally have doubts that I'm Trans, but they fade quickly because I feel so normal as me. I've come to realize my transition is and was right for me.:)

[dilane]

I know a couple of former TV-TG's who are successfully transitioned post-ops who were not the "I always knew I was a girl" types. Both had typical masculine interests and hobbies growing up, participated in lots of sports, married, etc. In male mode they were unreadable :)

They both pass very well, which makes it a bit easier.

[discoveringsophia]

I see that you are in the DC area, so if you don't already have a therapist and would like a recommendation, email me: discoveringsophia [at] gmail. I am personally familiar with three or four very good options (considered some of the best with LGBT issues in the area).

Regarding the “always known” phenomenon that you accurately observe, I personally think there are two under-appreciated dynamics at work (along with many other factors):


“Self-selection”
Since these reports are self-submitted, it is hardly an “accurate” (whatever that means) representation of the trans “community” (whatever that means, either). In other words, it might be that

people who have “always known” are more likely to be confident enough to blog about it, or that
so many stories are about those who have “always known” that it encourages the contributions of others with similar experiences.

“Revisiting History”
This is a tough one and might cause a bunch of people to flame me, so let me just say (even though flamers are not reading this) that I am not intending to offend, disparage, or denigrate anyone; paint the entire “community” with a broad brush; or otherwise over-generalize. That said, here goes…

The fact that many of the stories / contributions are about those who have “always known”, it may (emphasis on may) encourage others to seek this history in their own lives. Psychoanalytic / psychological research is full of instances where patients either subtly redefine past events or completely manufacture pasts to match current realities.

This process can be many things including:

a completely legitimate way of applying a new lens to an old set of events to add clarity where once was confusion (this is, after all, one key goal of the whole discipline known as “history”);
a way of coping with completely legitimate stress and the perceived need to “justify” one’s current gender expression (whether to self or others); or
a means of unconsciously or consciously appropriating the narrative presented by others and applying that to one’s own life (with a number of underlying and diverse psychological drivers for this behavior).


Again, this is not some diatribe against trans-persons; after all, why would I be here if I wanted to go around claiming that trans people are fooling themselves?

I would say that I have spent a great deal of time trying to navigate these options in my own life. I am constantly asking myself: “did that really happen to me, or am I adjusting the past?” Sometimes I ask myself: “is there another way I could interpret that event, instead of making a part of my ‘trans’ narrative?”

Finally, I will say, I am not one of those who has “always known.” There have been “incidents and accidents, hints and allegations” (thanks Mr. Paul Simon), but it took middle-age to draw these things into the open, where they could--very suddenly--bubble over. “Deciding” has been (and continues to be) painful.

Honestly, I seem to be moving toward transition without even realizing it. In some sense, I stopped fighting it and worrying about what I will / may lose and started just letting me be “me.” As a result, the question changed one day from “is it ok to go to this event / location / etc dressed as a woman?” to “what’s the big deal if I dress, act, and live as a woman?” It just has become who I am.

And for once, I am complete (ish).

[shapeshifter]

Thanks for all the replies! It's nice knowing that I'm not alone. I'll be rereading these posts, I'm sure.

Please don't worry about me. I'm seeing a gender therapist and I've been going to support group meetings. Forget marriage, I can't even date right now - my sexuality is too messed up because of my gender issues.

I've had trouble digging through my past for a number of reasons. One, I was a closet nerd, and thought the feeling of being different from other boys was because of being nerdy, not being a girl. When I finally got comfortable talking about anime and computers in college, I discovered that the feeling didn't go away. Two, my family is gender bending in subtle ways, so I can't compare notes with other people. For example: at Thanksgiving, it was alway three FEMALE cousins who would excitedly turn on football and the male cousins (not just me!) who reluctantly joined them to defend their manliness. Three, I feel I'm completely biased. I can't trust anything I say, because I have an agenda.

It's funny... I keep wanting to be MORE trans, so I could be justified in transitioning. It's this bad thought I get stuck on a lot... "I'm not trans enough to transition, therefore I'm stuck as a man." Then I go and mope at the prospect - I hate being male!

For a while, I tried the approach of filling the "M" and "F" columns with personality traits and events. My therapist convinced me that such an exercise is meaningless because it relies on stereotypes. The scientist in me needs evidence to be satisfied, so what I'm currently doing are "emotional experiments" - I try things out, and see how they feel!

I'm trying things out from both directions - letting my male self get girlier as I get away with things (e.g. swishiness, guyliner) and developing a female presentation. I'm loosening up tremendously and discovering how I naturally move, act, and think. The cat is out of the bag at this point - there is NO WAY I can go back to be a normative male.

Argh... I would be so pretty on hormones! Buuut... "I'm not trans enough, so I'm stuck as a man." Argh, the bad thought is back!

[Victoria P]

HI,

I don't know how much help I'll be if any but I also knew something was very different about me at about age 4-5. In School in England I didn't relate to boys very much except for one or two and the girls we much friendlier to me,especially the least popular ones,not the best looking ones,isn't that odd? I have often thought and )NO offence to anyone here ,that males were very primal, often savage and I found them unsettling as I've been told I am a gentle soul. Perhaps many biological males also gentles souls just may be secretly struggling with a gender disorder as I myself have,but it is still in the closet except for my fabulous GF and one CD pal.

Good Luck Sweety :)

[iloveps]

It's funny... I keep wanting to be MORE trans, so I could be justified in transitioning. It's this bad thought I get stuck on a lot... "I'm not trans enough to transition, therefore I'm stuck as a man." Then I go and mope at the prospect - I hate being male!



i know EXACTLY what you mean. I have always felt different and wanted to do girly things since i was young but i still dont feel "Trans enough" to transition. I havent really talked about this with my therapist, it just seems to have slipped through the cracks, ill bring it up this week. I think we have to just get away from "the trans narrative" and think about what we feel external from our physical situation.

[Nicole Erin]

The advantage of those who "always knew" are that they got to start from an earlier age.
Sometimes when they say that, I think it is more to impress other TS than anything cause a lot of other TS try to discredit other ones.

Now me, been into the gender bending thing my whole life but I didn't obsess over gender until I was like 20 something, and no it wasn't cause I found some TG forum.

Think of this - since there is not a definate way to know for sure if one is TS, then it seems silly that there would be reasons one is NOT TS.

Should you try to transition and all that, it is a long hard road and you can always turn back, well unless you start doing major surgeries but by the time you are in a position to do that, you will know for sure.

If you hate being male and want to live as a woman, it is probably right for you. Here are a few things to really know -

Some TG will wear girlie stuff, have their fun, and throw it back in the box without a second thought, live as a male until hormones start raging again. This is not usually a TS.

Some CD's enjopy their male life, enjoy living and identifying as such, but just like to dress pretty sometimes, rather for erotic reasons or not. These are not TS.

Some Want to be femme most of the time, and live as such, even if it means a lot of personal sacrafice. These are TS.

One thing though - once you are living full time as a woman, it gets tiresome. Each day for school (and soon for work) I get up, do my hair, do my makeup, bra, slacks, blouse, and put on the happy face. It is not the least bit fun like it once was.

[Kathryn Martin]

Hi,

I'm currently exploring my gender. My biggest doubt: most of the trans interviews, vlogs, and autobiographies I've encountered star trans people who always knew, from a very early age. My childhood definitely had its gender bending and suppressing moments, but never that kind of certainty. Yet, I hate being male, and in a lot of ways, I'm good at being a girl!

What terrifies me more than the bigots and bashers is myself! I know I'm strong enough to survive transition, but not a mistaken one!

So, I was wondering, were any of you ever in this spot? Did anybody here NOT always know? Did any of you take a long time to figure out your were trans, and that transition was right for you? In the end, how did you decide?

~B

I will be taking some flack for this: I do not believe that a child aged between 4-12 years old would with any clarity express a gender preference in the way people assert when they are older. It is in my view simply rationalization to somehow support their entirely valid feelings at the time they write or speak about it. I said to my mother several times "I am a girl", right besides I am a horse, a pig, a locomotive and whatever other assorted things I was.

What in my view really counts though, is a sense of confusion, alienation, nebulous as it will be feeling no differentiation between oneself and members of the other gender. In living your life you discover the rood of this dissociation with your own gender, your body etc.

So where does that leave you? Your therapist will not validate feelings you have other than to say it's ok to have them, s/he will rather accumulate the evidence that you report and then one day will say enough, you have gender dysphoria. I found that I had reached the knowledge long before and reached a point where I knew, and needed a letter.

We in varying ways all have been where we did not know with the clarity you hope for. I am 56 years old and transitioning now. I know, unequivocally, this is right. Two years ago? Not so much

[MJ]

I just figured I was the only one in the entire world/ universe that felt as I did inside, so I just figured that was a freak....

so did i until i found out about Tula then there were two of us

[Rianna Humble]

One thing though - once you are living full time as a woman, it gets tiresome. Each day for school (and soon for work) I get up, do my hair, do my makeup, bra, slacks, blouse, and put on the happy face. It is not the least bit fun like it once was.
:iagree:

I don't wear slacks apart from the odd occasion, so for me it is choose a skirt & blouse or a dress, check they don't clash with my nails ...

Just one caveat, although I agree with Nicole that it's not the same fun that it once was, I would not go back for anything.

[Melody Moore]

I'm currently exploring my gender. My biggest doubt: most of the trans interviews, vlogs, and autobiographies I've encountered star trans people who always knew, from a very early age. My childhood definitely had its gender bending and suppressing moments, but never that kind of certainty. Yet, I hate being male, and in a lot of ways, I'm good at being a girl!
For a start don't take any notice of what you read or here about being transsexual from others,
because many of us are different to how we finally come to understand & accept our transsexualism.

Your story I don't think is much different than my own, I never could say that I knew without any doubt that I
should be a female. for me it was always a question.. 'Who am I? Am I really a male or am I really a female?'

I started dressing up as a girl at a very young age and the reason behind it was to see the girl in me in the mirror.
I always knew that something about wearing girl's clothes certainly felt right for me and made me feel a lot happier.

I was expected to go and mingle with the boys at school on the oval during lunch breaks, playing cricket or football,
but I always felt like a bit of square peg trying to fit in a round hole whenever I was around male peers. I wanted to
be up in the playground playing with the girls, but because I had the body of a boy I didn't belong there either. So I
was caught in a place that was somewhere in-between. I was always haunted by a reoccurring nightmare about
being naked at school and the other kids laughing at me because they seen that I was a girl and not really a boy.

This nightmare & my dressing up as a girl continued in secret right throughout my school years. At the age of 15 I seen
the movie about the Christine Jorgenson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_Jorgensen) story who was the first widely known person to have sex reassignment surgery.
Christine was my hero and I was so envious of her. She seemed larger than life to me & I believed that what she managed
to achieve was so unreachable for me. I had no idea on who to see or where to start to follow in her footsteps which I know
I would have gladly done. However a year later at the age of 16 I overheard 2 bigoted bashers saying terrible things about
someone they knew who was transsexual & undergoing transitioning to terrify me in to repressing my gender issues for the
next 30 years or so. Over the years I grew a lot stronger & got to the point that I am no longer afraid of anyone except myself.

How I came to the decision was by realising I had tried everything I could to repress those same questions that kept on resurfacing
'Am I a male or am I female?' Everything I tried to do to convince myself I was a male seemed to fail. I even had some psycho-therapy
during the 1990s after a relationship breakdown and I got suicidal. I can recall specifically that part of that therapy they tried to give to
me was 'male bonding'. I couldn't get my head around it and none of it made a single bit of difference to me & my emotions and what
I expected & wanted out of a relationship. I finally realised that my emotional expectations in a relationship was typically female & not
that of a male. I was put on steroids to treat a serious health condition almost 8 years ago and the medications caused me to bulk up
with huge muscles that most body builders would die for. But it just didn't feel right on me, I also started to suffer from male pattern
baldness. From about 5 years ago I started to hate what I seen in the mirror as a male, and I had images of myself as female burnt into
my memory that always made me feel very happy and just felt right. So I started dressing as a female in secret again & wearing wigs &
I lead a double life just so I could tolerate myself & survive, but I soon realised that my 2 lives were on a obvious collision course. So I
braced myself & made ready for the convergence and instead of trying to avoid it & fight it this time I decided this time to embrace it &
go with it because I knew I was a lot stronger and not someone that anyone wanted to ever f**k around with. So I didn't fear bigotry
anymore. At the age of 47 I started living full-time as a female for about a month to see how I felt going out in public. The hardest part
was finding clothes that concealed my muscular arms & shoulders. But now after being on hormones for about 4 months I'm starting to
lose all of the muscular physique, along with my physical strength, but my spirit is strong and I know now that is enough to really get
me through so I don't mind the few sacrifices I'm now making because I really couldn't ever be happier. My family has issues with it, but
what's new? I've always been the black-sheep anyway and learnt a very long time ago t look after myself & stand on my own two feet.

I have made lots of new friends & my best friends have accepted it and stuck by me and that is what matters the most & this is my real family.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I see that you are in the DC area, so if you don't already have a therapist and would like a recommendation, email me: discoveringsophia [at] gmail. I am personally familiar with three or four very good options (considered some of the best with LGBT issues in the area).

Regarding the “always known” phenomenon that you accurately observe, I personally think there are two under-appreciated dynamics at work (along with many other factors):


“Self-selection”
Since these reports are self-submitted, it is hardly an “accurate” (whatever that means) representation of the trans “community” (whatever that means, either). In other words, it might be that

people who have “always known” are more likely to be confident enough to blog about it, or that
so many stories are about those who have “always known” that it encourages the contributions of others with similar experiences.

“Revisiting History”
This is a tough one and might cause a bunch of people to flame me, so let me just say (even though flamers are not reading this) that I am not intending to offend, disparage, or denigrate anyone; paint the entire “community” with a broad brush; or otherwise over-generalize. That said, here goes…

The fact that many of the stories / contributions are about those who have “always known”, it may (emphasis on may) encourage others to seek this history in their own lives. Psychoanalytic / psychological research is full of instances where patients either subtly redefine past events or completely manufacture pasts to match current realities.

This process can be many things including:

a completely legitimate way of applying a new lens to an old set of events to add clarity where once was confusion (this is, after all, one key goal of the whole discipline known as “history”);
a way of coping with completely legitimate stress and the perceived need to “justify” one’s current gender expression (whether to self or others); or
a means of unconsciously or consciously appropriating the narrative presented by others and applying that to one’s own life (with a number of underlying and diverse psychological drivers for this behavior).


Again, this is not some diatribe against trans-persons; after all, why would I be here if I wanted to go around claiming that trans people are fooling themselves?

I would say that I have spent a great deal of time trying to navigate these options in my own life. I am constantly asking myself: “did that really happen to me, or am I adjusting the past?” Sometimes I ask myself: “is there another way I could interpret that event, instead of making a part of my ‘trans’ narrative?”

Finally, I will say, I am not one of those who has “always known.” There have been “incidents and accidents, hints and allegations” (thanks Mr. Paul Simon), but it took middle-age to draw these things into the open, where they could--very suddenly--bubble over. “Deciding” has been (and continues to be) painful.

Honestly, I seem to be moving toward transition without even realizing it. In some sense, I stopped fighting it and worrying about what I will / may lose and started just letting me be “me.” As a result, the question changed one day from “is it ok to go to this event / location / etc dressed as a woman?” to “what’s the big deal if I dress, act, and live as a woman?” It just has become who I am.

And for once, I am complete (ish).

Sophia...this is an excellent post...
The dynamics you talk about are real....
one additional point is that 30 years ago..to transition you HAD TO SAY YOU "ALWAYS KNEW"....its just the way it was...we all know the desperation that is felt when the "bell is rung"....i would have said anything to get my transition rolling..and that's what people did...

so if you anybody is out there and wondering why they haven't always known but thinking they are trans...fughetaboutit....its not even a data point....if you know now..that's better than trying to recreate what you thought when youwere 6 yrs old..

shapeshifter...you said something very interesting..."I keep wanting to be MORE trans, so I could be justified in transitioning. It's this bad thought I get stuck on a lot"...i would like to share that I recently reread some posts and journals i wrote 5 years ago, and that EXACTLY what i thought...this was a very hard thought for me...i felt selfish, ashamed and guilty....trust me, no cisgendered person WISHES they were trans....it just doesnt work that way..when i read your posts i see many thoughts that I had for myself...

there is no such thing as not trans enough....be good to yourself...make sure that when you think about who you are that you leave all the baggage behind so you can think clearly...you only need your own permission to be yourself....

this is where you are at...these thoughts you have will never go away. your choice is to live in this self tormenting state, or aggressively deal with your feelings ...regardless of the outcome, you can do it...your focus can be getting good with yourself (whatever you are) and not trying to be more or less trans...when you are truly good with yourself...you will be in a good state of mind to think about your gender issue..the one thing you want to avoid is a situation where you become despondent about not transitioning and do something stupid, or getting so frustrated that you explode and transition too fast with no planning...you want to live a great life , male or female...

at least now you know you are not alone..that's a wonderful thing too!

[Melody Moore]

I will be taking some flack for this: I do not believe that a child aged between 4-12 years old would with any clarity express a gender preference in the way people assert when they are older. It is in my view simply rationalization to somehow support their entirely valid feelings at the time they write or speak about it. I said to my mother several times "I am a girl", right besides I am a horse, a pig, a locomotive and whatever other assorted things I was.

What in my view really counts though, is a sense of confusion, alienation, nebulous as it will be feeling no differentiation between oneself and members of the other gender. In living your life you discover the rood of this dissociation with your own gender, your body etc.

So where does that leave you? Your therapist will not validate feelings you have other than to say it's ok to have them, s/he will rather accumulate the evidence that you report and then one day will say enough, you have gender dysphoria. I found that I had reached the knowledge long before and reached a point where I knew, and needed a letter.

We in varying ways all have been where we did not know with the clarity you hope for. I am 56 years old and transitioning now. I know, unequivocally, this is right. Two years ago? Not so much
Yes it was a very good post by discoveringsophia that puts everything into a
well balanced perspective and I agree whole heartedly with everything she said.

I have always doubted those that claim they 'knew' they should have been a girl at a very young age because of when we do start to have
childhood memories and understand our gender identity. The truth is it's confusion more than anything else - It takes years to understand the
root causes and come to terms with it and that is why I believe that there are so many older people who transition rather than younger people.

When I was about 7 I knew that something wasn't right with me because I was confused about my need to dress as a female at such a
young age, along with the reoccurring nightmares, the feeling of not belonging to one gender or the other and being caught in the middle.
I would safely estimate that I was more closer to the age of 9 or 10 when I really started to question myself 'Am I a boy, or am I a girl?'.
I think my previous post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143832-Did-anybody-have-trouble-deciding-How-did-you&p=2341028&viewfull=1#post2341028) really highlights typically how this evolutionary process of discovering one's own transsexualism really happens.

My first clue I was transsexual was at the age of 15 I seen the movie about the Christine Jorgenson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_Jorgensen) &
knowing I wanted to change my sex, but it took 32 years after that to finally understand it & embrace it.

My best friend is the same in her story, it took her 40 odd years to finally work out what was wrong. We both
agreed recently with each other that it's like huge complex jigsaw puzzle and there is no way that someone so
young could ever figure this out when we don't understand all the dynamics of what it means to be transsexual.

[Hope]

I didn't decide. I discovered.

While I "knew" very young, like a lot of folks, it took a lot of years, and a lot of honesty with my self, to put the whole picture together and to finally get to the point where I could discover, and own, what I had always "known."

[SuzanneBender]

Shapeshifter despite the debate about when we become gender aware I know that I knew from an early age who I am, but that is by no mean a perquisite for ease of transition or even the decision to transition. Those of us that know early are faced with choices fight for who we are or fight who we are in order to fit in with the societal norms. Who knows why we choose our course. Each person has numerous reasons. My course was deny who I was and fit in.

It took me almost 40 years to stop denying who is on the inside of my eyes staring out and then it took a couple more for me to admit it to those I love. I have to admit that despite unequivocally knowing who I am for most of my life I am still wrestling with how to display my gender and if transition is worth cashing in the gifts of love and light that have been bestowed upon my life. Transition is a path on life's journey it is not a destination. The challenge is determining if transition is the path required to get you to that destination.

I recommend that you start working through this with a therapist. Also, examine your life from a more holistic angle and determine if transition helps lead you to your destination. Don't be in a hurry. Don't feel pressure because you see others around you "moving forward". This process is done in steps to make sure you are ready. In the mean time take heart in the fact that you are you no matter what.

[NathalieX66]

Everything that Susan Bender said is true....I'm that too!

I am planning on seeing a gender therapist after the holiday season is over, I have a pretty extensive list of gender identity/GLBT specialists in my area. My list is narrowed down. I'm also doing electrolysis & laser too! My issues are more about how to cope with life as is.
Even us duality folks have a lot to deal with, as I can't give up either my femme or homme side of me. Things can get pretty conflicting.