Why stepping out of the closet?

[Sejd]

The reason I know I have to be "out" is to feel that I am alive. Only by being seen publicly as a femme, do I know I exist. As long as I kept it all a secret I felt shame and thought I was just weird. The day I started going out I realized (despite the controversial cultural sting we carry) that I existed as a sweet charming female. I could be myself in public and know I was alive. This thread is my reflection over the past 4 years experience. I am not public with my wife at my side, but has the freedom to be public on my own. It makes it all worth for me. How do you all feel about the difference before and after you went our?:daydreaming:

[Stephenie S]

Hi Sejd,

Long time, no see. How ARE you. How's the music coming? I picked up a guitar the other day and couldn't play. The nails on my left hand were too long. Oh how we suffer for fashion.

Stephie

[tanyalynn51]

I have not been out in public, and I look up to girls like you that do. I can see that coming, though, now. I can remember when I couldnt see coming out to another person, but did that Wednesday, to my best friend, and to her girl friend yesterday when they had me over for thanksgiving. That being done, the step of going out in public dressed doesnt seem so crazy or far off as it once did. Thank you for sharing.

[Melody Moore]

The reason I know I have to be "out" is to feel that I am alive. Only by being seen publicly as a femme, do I know I exist. As long as I kept it all a secret I felt shame and thought I was just weird. The day I started going out I realized (despite the controversial cultural sting we carry) that I existed as a sweet charming female.
I know exactly where you are coming from and I don't want you to feel like you are alone. Over the past 5 years I had become very reclusive & hardly went out. I didnt feel right being a male, although I did date a few women & had a girlfriend. But as long as I kept Melody a secret because I felt a lot more shame because of the secret double life I was living behind closed doors because I was living my life as a lie & not true to myself.

The day I finally did step outside into the world as Melody was one of the most liberating feelings ever - I would describe it like I was just let out of a prison. Now when Melody walks down the street or through a shopping mall she feels genuinely happy & confident woman - a stark contrast to the male that felt so insecure and unsure of himself. My life has so much more meaning now, I enjoy going out and socialising with friends and having a life again & none of this would have been possible if I didn't let Melody out of her box.

[Sejd]

Hi Stephie
I could never sacrifice my left hand to long nails ha ha ha! but I recently put acrylic nails on my right hand and it worked like a charm for a while, then I got fed up with the feeling of not being able to really clean my nails, plus the constant expense ot having them filled in, so now I'm back to the "Natural" long right, short left hand nail situation :0) the only luxury I do regularly is to care for my eyebrows. I still play a ton of music and perform publicly but not as Sejd. Maybe that will change, I don't know. I have met people who has seen me perform as a male and bump into me as a female, and they were cool with it :0)

[Sejd]

Hi MelodyN
To be Trans in Australia must be quite a challenge. I have been there now 3 times and I am always taken by the Ausie guys macho ways of being, and I don't really mean that in a negative way. They are all a bunch of great people, but it was a bit confusing to me that you hardly ever see any queer or trans people, at least not where I was (Surfers Paradise) on the East Coast. Love your country by the way.
Cheers

[Melody Moore]

Hi MelodyN
To be Trans in Australia must be quite a challenge.
It was only a challenge before I come out to keep up with that typical aussie macho lifestyle. I took lots of risks & did some very dangerous & crazy things - I'm amazed that I'm still here to be honest. But one other thing you have to realise is that quite a few of those macho Aussie boys are gay and many of them are still in the closet.

[Byanca]

Gaining a full personality is considered reaching the epitome of humanity it seems. Disintegration on the opposite end. Being stuck in the closet for too long seems very destructive for ones evolution as a human being. It seems a high level of abuse, self inflicted or not to lock up ones inner light. I find it very sad that so often it has to be like this.

I've expressed my femininity, often by dressing up, or other means as long as I can remember to selected people. Like when my mother disciplined me at age 5,6-7, I started dressing up even more and sneak over to my grandmother. She never said anything that this was weird. And so this continued. I kinda grew up in her house. If I could not have had these outlets I'm not sure how things would have gone. But going out only does so much for me. I'd like a normal life, without all these issues.

Still it's the best therapy that I have found so far. And sometimes I am really happy due to this, just being out, and feel the wind blow in your hair and dress, and people smile at you. Learn to love little, and maybe this isn't so little either.

[DeeDee1974]

Hi Sejd,

such a great post. I really understand what you mean about feeling alive. I began to transition to feel normal. But now that you say it this is the first time i feel alive in my 35 years. I wish you luck and the courage to not let anything hold you back.

[Melissa A.]

The difference is amazing, and I'm happy you feel alive at last. The anxiety, nervousness, an edginess to my demeanor that I thought were all normal, like forever, are replaced with simply living. Coming out to the world was easy because of what I lost, almost immediately. I suppose you can call that kind of contentment feeling alive. Hope all of your goals are ultimately realized.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Stephanie Anne]

My only advise is to let it come and go if you have times where you question if being out is the best. Just like every other change we have to do in our lives, it takes time to overcome the fear and anxiety we cause ourselves before we are able to be comfortable in our new lives.

I am starting to see the routine of normalcy that develops as I embrace my life no long ashamed and hidden from myself and the world. It takes time and a few failures but it gets better and better each day.

[Faith_G]

How do you all feel about the difference before and after you went our?:daydreaming:I have a whole new life. Like Melissa said, all that bad stuff that I thought was just normal simply disappeared almost overnight.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sejd thanks for the great thought..

i agree with faith's comment

[Hope]

I was talking with my therapist the last time I saw her about this very thing. The conclusion I came to is this: before - I didn't even realize how miserable I was. In fact if you had asked me if I was happy 9 months ago, I would have shrugged my shoulders and said "sure." Now: I am simply delighted all the time.

Seriously - anyone reading this who is still in closet - come join us on the pink side. We have something better than cookies.

[juligirl1984]

I've went out driving and horse back riding. no interactions with any humans. driving the car around is fun. I need a sports bra for the riding part lol.