Talked with my daughter today...

[Sophie86]

Today was supposed to be a dress up day, as my wife was going to take the kids to a club meeting for a few hours. Unfortunately, my daughter decided she didn't want to go, which spoiled my plans. I decided it was time to go ahead and talk to her about Dad's "hobby". She's seen me dressed before for costume parties, so I used that as an intro. I asked her if it bothered her for me to dress up as a girl. Her response was less than heart-warming. She said that it's disconcerting because I look like a man in a dress, like an ogress. Ouch.

Then she said, "You're not going to do that right now, are you?"

I said, "No, but if you weren't here, that's what I would be doing."

"Really? Sincerely?"

"Yes, sincerely."

I went on to explain that it's something I'd been doing since I was about her age (she's 14). She asked why. I said I didn't know. She said that she could see a younger me being able to do it and look good, but older guys just couldn't look like women.

That and the part about the ogress stung a little, so I printed out one of my better pics (http://www.flickr.com/photos/54513869@N04/5134684972/in/set-72157625285250210/) and showed it to her. She did a double take, and asked how old I was when it was taken. I made her tell me how I looked first, and she said that no one would've been able to tell I wasn't a girl. That felt better, so I told her it was taken two months ago. That was an eye-opener for her.

On the whole, though she was very blasé about it. At one point, she laughed and said, "Sometimes I don't think I know who you are at all!"

I told her, "Everything you know about me is the truth, it's just not the entire story."

She knows me a little better now. :)

[AllieSF]

Wow, sounds like you made some important headway with your daughter. At 14 years old they have a lot going through their own minds, puberty, boys, junior high school and all the rest. However, they are also starting to think deeper about issues and surprise us with their understanding. My 14 year old grandson does that a lot. I wish you the best and good luck over the long term. Thanks for sharing.

[Raychel]

Well I guess that is good and bad. Good that you had the talk with you daughter. And not so god that she feel that way. But in the long run, it is best that she knows and you had the talk. :thumbsup:

I have to build up the courage to have this talk with my sons also.:daydreaming::daydreaming:

[Cassandra Lynn]

Wow, congrats to you Sophie. While i'm not a father, i have been around many friends and extended family with teenage daughters and it seems that what you described was fairly typical. She'll prolly absorb it with time and eventually come to think it is kinda cool in a way.
And besides, she made up for the downer comments with the other one.
At least that is my belief, that the youth of today are just a wee bit more relaxed and less likely to get all bent about it.

Good for you,
mj (Cassie)

[TabbyJames]

Good Job Sophie, I too fell the need to have this conversaion w/ my 16yo daughter soon. She is very open minded so I think it will go well but then again, who knows.

[Nicole Erin]

yeah like I was told though - younger women tend to hold a very high standard of what a pretty woman looks like.
So worry not about the "ogress in a dress" comment.
At least she is cool with things, THAT is what really counts.

[Starling]

Sophie, it's great that you took that disappointment as an opportunity to become closer to your daughter. I'm sure you gulped a few times before you started. I don't mean the big cartoon gulps, you understand, just the normal anticipatory swallowing ones.

Anyway, your daughter sounds very bright and nice, Sophie, and you're lucky to have such a good kid.

And that is a really nice picture.

:) Lallie

[PretzelGirl]

That sounds like a great conversation Sophie! Yes, it didn't come all together at once, but it does sound like a solid base to work from. Blasé is the way teenagers seem to be these days. They just take a lot as it comes. I wouldn't be too worried about the ogress comment. Sometimes kids make these kind of remarks in the attempt to be funny. You know your daughter, so you can probably tell.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Very nice conversation and kudos to you, not just for being open about yourself with your kids, but also because it sounds like from the photo exchange that your daughter is the kind of person who is willing to reconsider information and admit she may have been wrong about something, which is fairly impressive in a 14 year old, so you've clearly done a fine job of raising her.

[Sally24]

Congratulations. Overall it sounds like a positive experience. It is much easier to live with the truth than to constantly try to cover up who you are. Since everyone in my immediate family knows, the stress level has gone down by alot! She sounds like it will get her thinking a bit more, which is most cases is a good thing.

[TxKimberly]

Well good for you! So how old is your daughter?
As Nicole mentioned, young girls DO have a very high standard for beauty. In fact their standards are usually far too high to be realistic because your typical young lady can't even measure up to what our society now deems to be the ideal. Why do you suppose that so many young women have so many self esteem and self image issues? The movies, TV, and magazines all lead them to believe that your typical woman looks like a super model. Of course the irony is that most of the super models don't look like super models either! Their images get tweaked and "improved" to the point where the image you see on the page is no longer the actual image of the woman anymore.
Given all of that, I'd take her last words as a serious compliment!

PS - When I told my own daughter, her attitude made it clear that her acceptance also hinged at least in part on how I looked. My 7 year old daughter thinks it's neat as hell and that it's "cute", but I don't think she would be so accepting if she had thought I was ugly. In other words, I suspect that your daughters response might be fairly typical .

[AKAMichelle]

that's great that you were able to do with this and have her response. Are you still a ogress? How does she describe you now?

[Sophie86]

Thanks for all the great replies. :)


I have to build up the courage to have this talk with my sons also.:daydreaming::daydreaming:

I've been reluctant to talk to my son about it. He's just 9 and he's expressed some discomfort lately about the dressing up I've done for Halloween. I asked him why it bothers him, and the way he put it was "real knowledge vs visual knowledge." In other words, his brain is saying 'guy' and his eyes are saying 'girl' and it's freaking him out. I don't want to push him to accept it. I'd rather wait and let the acceptance develop over time.


So how old is your daughter?

She's 14.


Why do you suppose that so many young women have so many self esteem and self image issues?

Homeschooling has insulated her from a lot of that, but it still seeps through.


Are you still a ogress? How does she describe you now?

Other than the remark about no one being able to tell I wasn't a girl, she hasn't said anything else about my appearance. There was a funny incident with her today though. Since I missed my dress up time yesterday, I asked my wife if I could bow out of the planned excursion this afternoon to see HP. She didn't have a problem with that. When my daughter found out she came to the room where I was sitting and said, "You're not going with us to see the movie?"

I told her nope. She started grinning, and I said, "What?"

She laughed, "A thought just popped into my head..."

I said, "Keep it to yourself then." :heehee:

[Angiemead12]

very heart warming, Im still thinking of telling my son too, he is 14 as well. Just dont know how to open it up!

[Cassandrab]

I had a talk a few days ago with my daughter and she is compleatly accepting. Shes 16 and thinks its cool.

[NicoleScott]

Then she said, "You're not going to do that right now, are you?"

I said, "No, but if you weren't here, that's what I would be doing."



I think you handled it very well, but have a little problem with the part quoted. It makes me wonder if she felt unwelcome in her own home. Is my presence in my home stopping Daddy from doing something he really wants to do? Maybe he wishes I weren't here. Kids can be sensitive.

[Ria]

Possibly one of the best stories I've read on this forum. I loved how you handled that, 100%... I feel "schooled". My girls are 4 & 9!

[Sophie86]

I think you handled it very well, but have a little problem with the part quoted. It makes me wonder if she felt unwelcome in her own home. Is my presence in my home stopping Daddy from doing something he really wants to do? Maybe he wishes I weren't here. Kids can be sensitive.

My tone of voice made it clear that I wasn't upset that she was there, I was just giving her a bit of information.

I homeschool the kids, so we're around each other almost 24/7. It's understood that I love them and enjoy being around them. It's also understood that there are times when I need a break from them. There are times when she needs a break from me, too, and she's never been shy about demanding her alone time. :)

[NicoleScott]

My tone of voice made it clear that I wasn't upset that she was there, I was just giving her a bit of information.

I homeschool the kids, so we're around each other almost 24/7. It's understood that I love them and enjoy being around them. It's also understood that there are times when I need a break from them. There are times when she needs a break from me, too, and she's never been shy about demanding her alone time. :)

I wasn't there and didn't hear the tone or know the context, and I didn't mean my comment as a criticism, just my first reaction. I hope I can do as well when the time comes for me to have that talk.

[WheatishCD]

how old ur daughter is? good that you told her the truth. if she doesn't accept now.. when she grows up she will understand you better & luv you just the way you are!!