I just couldn't hold out

[Christy_M]

My wife asked me not to bring any women's clothes with me to California for Thanksgiving weekend with her family and I agreed. We flew in on Tuesday night and today after I left the gym, I broke down and bought some new panties and some pantyhose and put them on in the car outside Kohls. I survived the whole day going to the movies with the family and playing cards and while my wife was in the shower tonight, I changed into my manly pajamas and hid the pantyhose and panties all without getting caught.

I cannot explain why this seemed so important to me or why I would risk irritating my wife. I know I am not telling her anytime soon. Has anyone else been so compelled to put on that they would risk outing themselves?

[juligirl1984]

I had to camp for 6 weeks at once one time. Well I had to drive home at least every 5 days to dress up for the day and night. it was a 4 hr round trip. (my excuse was I needed supplies lol). your story is interesting... glad you didn't get into a fuss with your wife. did you do it for the thrill of getting away with it when she said no? sorry just had to ask.

[Roberta Marie]

Does your wife set many boundaries or limits on your dressing? If not, one long weekend does not seem like too much to ask. How long has your wife known about your crossdressing, and what is her attitude about it?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I'm just trying to understand your situation and the risk involved.

Bobbi

[Karren H]

She doesn't have a sister you could have "borrowed" from?? :D. That would have made it a lot more exciting, imho. Lol.

[Raychel]

I have had to go a week in all man clothes before. That was pure hell. I hope I never have to do that again.

[Sara Jessica]

Does your wife set many boundaries or limits on your dressing? If not, one long weekend does not seem like too much to ask.

Sometimes good advice comes in bitter little pills such as this.


I cannot explain why this seemed so important to me or why I would risk irritating my wife. I know I am not telling her anytime soon. Has anyone else been so compelled to put on that they would risk outing themselves?

Regardless of the reason why it was important, you broke an agreement. And trust me, I get where you're coming from. While I'm not habitually breaking any agreements these days, I'm guilty of pushing boundries beyond belief, much to my wife's chagrain. And I'm not very quick to entertain the thought of negotiation on any front. This is something that I admit is putting an incredible strain on what is otherwise a nearly perfect marriage. I am losing sight of the concept of balance in favor of exploring my own gender issues.

BTW, are you certain she has no idea what you were wearing underneath? It seems all my wife has to do is lay a finger on my leg or tush and the a-ha bell goes off if I happen to be wearing nylons under my guy clothes.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Christy, How about a two month trip in a motorhome
with another couple going with us (no time for Orchid).

Orchid

[Lee Andrews]

I cannot explain why this seemed so important to me or why I would risk irritating my wife. I know I am not telling her anytime soon. Has anyone else been so compelled to put on that they would risk outing themselves?

For me I would not risk the chance of irritating my wife over a weekend. I've worked hard for what little I have in the crossdressing front. To take the chance of screwing that up would be foolish on my part but we are different people and know how our respective wives would react to this. Mine wouldn't like it one bit. For me taking one step forward to lose three backwards is not worth the risk.

[Christy_M]

Does your wife set many boundaries or limits on your dressing? If not, one long weekend does not seem like too much to ask. How long has your wife known about your crossdressing, and what is her attitude about it?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I'm just trying to understand your situation and the risk involved.

Bobbi

My wife has known about my crossdressing for a few months. She hates the fact that her "man" does this and doesn't want to know about when I do it or talk about anything having to do with it. I get to shave my goatee for two weeks out of every two months and I get to go out one Friday or Saturday during that period. he short answer is "yes" there are quite a few boundries set. I am not at all happy that I broke our agreement which is why I made the OP. I felt like I was not able to control myself and that I just "had" to do it. Even though that sounds like a cop-out, it troubles me that I couldn't wait two more days.


She doesn't have a sister you could have "borrowed" from?? :D. That would have made it a lot more exciting, imho. Lol.

A really cute cousin who is about my height and has the same size feet as me. She has a nice collection of high heels and always wears really cute outfits but I only get to see her clothes when she comes over to my wife's mom's house. I would love an afternoon in her closet. I would bet I would surly get into trouble by spending an inordinate amount of time there.


Sometimes good advice comes in bitter little pills such as this.



Regardless of the reason why it was important, you broke an agreement. And trust me, I get where you're coming from. While I'm not habitually breaking any agreements these days, I'm guilty of pushing boundries beyond belief, much to my wife's chagrain. And I'm not very quick to entertain the thought of negotiation on any front. This is something that I admit is putting an incredible strain on what is otherwise a nearly perfect marriage. I am losing sight of the concept of balance in favor of exploring my own gender issues.

BTW, are you certain she has no idea what you were wearing underneath? It seems all my wife has to do is lay a finger on my leg or tush and the a-ha bell goes off if I happen to be wearing nylons under my guy clothes.

I agree. I certainly felt when I agreed to the request that it wouldn't be a big deal. I can't describe how that pressure built up inside me until I "had" to do it. I am not making excuses, I did break an agreement with my wife. For that I am troubled which led to the OP.

As a side note to your side note, when my wife is around her family, she doesn't get close enough to me to see the color of my eyes let alone touch me.


Christy, How about a two month trip in a motorhome
with another couple going with us (no time for Orchid).

Orchid

Yikes, that sounds rough.


For me I would not risk the chance of irritating my wife over a weekend. I've worked hard for what little I have in the crossdressing front. To take the chance of screwing that up would be foolish on my part but we are different people and know how our respective wives would react to this. Mine wouldn't like it one bit. For me taking one step forward to lose three backwards is not worth the risk.

Great point. I really try not to irritate my wife. I fail at that in so many ways, but it's not as though she is terribly unreasonable. I just htink tere are things she ewnvisions should be done a certain way and then there is my way of doing things which usually run on different planes and time continuums. While this one I am able to recognize, most of them I am utterly clueless over what I have done that isn't within her unspoken specifications. I can tell you from the experience of two previous wives, all three of them carry a different book of how things should be done than the one I was issued when I was younger. Even theirs are not the same but each with their own nuances that I just can't seem to get my mind around.

As I said, this doesn't fall into that category but it may have something to do with why I may have acted on my ?urge? or need.

[Sally24]

Regardless of the reason why it was important, you broke an agreement.
She may have violated the spirit of the agreement, but she didn't "bring women's clothing with her". It's one thing to require secrecy, it's quite another to not even allow underwear or other articles that no one else will see.

I get the whole boundaries "thing" but feel that sometimes the SO's push their issues too much. And yes, I understand that many of the CD's push their issues too much too, usually in secret. I just feel a more fair balance is needed in both cases.

[JohnH]

Christy,

I hereby rescind the following sentence -
"I do fault you for agreeing to refrain from any cross dressing activities if you knew you could not live up to the agreement."
I'm sure this agreement with your wife while you were under duress.

And if you want to wear a nightgown to bed, that is your privilege at any time. Also what is the big deal about panties and pantyhose as far as your wife is concerned?



I get to shave my goatee for two weeks out of every two months...


The statement above really jumps out at me as an unreasonable restriction. If you don't want a goatee at any time you certainly should not be forced to grow one.
If I were in your shoes I would keep my face clean-shaven and if your wife raised hell, that would be too bad. It is your body and as long as you don't harm it there should be no grounds for objection.

Your wife comes across as a control freak. You need to stand your ground so she backs down.

People do change in their likes and dislikes. It is unreasonable for your wife to expect you to remain in a static state.

[Cassandra Lynn]

She may have violated the spirit of the agreement, but she didn't "bring women's clothing with her". It's one thing to require secrecy, it's quite another to not even allow underwear or other articles that no one else will see.

I get the whole boundaries "thing" but feel that sometimes the SO's push their issues too much. And yes, I understand that many of the CD's push their issues too much too, usually in secret. I just feel a more fair balance is needed in both cases.
Whew! Glad to see i'm not the only one who read Christy's OP, and the negative replies to it with a touch of sadness.
Why is it that there is this preconceived notion that we must take the boundaries set by intolerable, unaccepting and unforgiving SOs, as fair.
All it does is confirm the idea that to be a TG/CD is inherently and abhorrently wrong and therefore subject to ultra strict rules.

Now before everyone goes ballistic i understand that in the name of love and all that is right in a relationship we must make sacrifices and be trustworthy and respectful. But to not allow simple underdressing, seems extreme.

Sussing Christy for what she did seems a tad harsh, imo.
mj (Cassie)

[JohnH]

I second MsMjSerene.

Quite rightfully Christy is frustrated with the unreasonable restrictions set on her. Her wife probably endlessly needled her to accept the unreasonable restrictions prior to the trip. I rescind my scolding her for making a promise to her wife that she could not live up to.

I would not accept any of the restrictions imposed on Christy if my wife expected me to go along with them.

John

[Roberta Marie]

There have been a lot of good points made here, but I think what needs to happen is some honest, open communication. I think your wife needs to understand the stress that her boundaries are creating in your life. Like everything in any relationship, these boundaries are open to negotiation, or should be. She needs to understand that by renegotiating the boundaries into something that is more tolerable for you, that your stress level will go down, which will in the long run make her life better.

Something else that we all should remember, though, is that your wife has only had a couple of months to come to grips with this. This is where open and honest communication is oh, so important. Time may also help, and as she comes to better understand all of this, I suspect that she will become more tolerant.

It can be a tricky balancing act between trying to get her to open up and communicate and forcing her to accept conditions that are, at this point, as intolerable for her as the current conditions appear to be for you.

Also, remember that the most important part of communication is listening. Listen to her, even in the things that she is not saying, not to try to respond to her, but to understand her. I suspect that your willingness and active listening will be an example to her, and she will be more willing to listen to you.

Patience, Love, Understanding, and Communication

Just my opinion.

Bobbi

[sissystephanie]

I guess I have to agree with Roberta Marie. Christy needs to have some good open communication with her wife. But what she needs even more is self control. If you, Christy, cannot go for even a few days without wearing some feminine garments you have a real strong problem. I spent 4 years in the U.S. Navy and dressed enfemme on maybe 5 days out of that 4 years. Then after my service time and marriage to my dear late wife, who totally supported my CD activities, I totally quit CD'ing for 5 years, just because we had children!! I started crossdressing again because my dear wife begged me to!! She missed Stephanie!!

My point is that if you really have self-control you can do things that you may not want to do but know you must! Your wife may not be as open as mine was, but she does accept your dressing in her own way. Doing things as you did will change that attitude quickly!

[Sara Jessica]

Whew! Glad to see i'm not the only one who read Christy's OP, and the negative replies to it with a touch of sadness.
Why is it that there is this preconceived notion that we must take the boundaries set by intolerable, unaccepting and unforgiving SOs, as fair...

Hold the phone, there's no overt negativity in the replies. Speaking for myself, with the utmost sensitivity to Christy's situation, it's simply calling a spade a spade. It was her words that described the boundry and how it was broken.

And don't go ripping apart our SO's in this whole thing. More often than not, they can respond with a common theme...

"We didn't sign up for this".

Allow me to be so bold as to compare the similarites and differences between my situation and Christy's.

Mine knew of this tg thing before we were married. She thought it would fade away or that she could change me. She was wrong.

Christy's learned of this only a few months ago. Boundries are set, most of which seem unfair from our collective POV but to the spouse, they probably seem perfectly reasonable.

Why? Because she didn't sign up for this to be an issue in her life. Even though mine knew before marriage, she didn't understand the depth and as such, she didn't sign up so much either.

I actually take offense at statements which attack the remarkable women in our lives. They do not place unreasonable restrictions on us or purposely make themselves unable to accept who or what we are. They are struggling with the fact that their life-long ideal for marriage, happiness, etc. is immensely threatened by an utter invasion of tg into their lives. Trust me, I'd make it go away if I could for the good of her happiness, the good of our family, and to make my own existence easier. But I cannot, thus we have the continual battle that many of us experience. And it's not a pretty sight. Believe me when I say I'm in the midst of one right now and this is part of the reason I feel so strongly about comments made against our SO's. I have 100% empathy for her situation, yet I am unable to do anything to change.

[Fab Karen]

She doesn't have a sister you could have "borrowed" from?? :D. That would have made it a lot more exciting, imho. Lol.
Even more so while she's in the shower ( remember this scene in "Tootsie" ? ) :)

[Cassandra Lynn]

@Sara,
Ok, i'll agree that calling all the replies negative might be a little overboard, but when someone posts that they did indeed break a trust, is it required that she get called out on it.
I for one don't appreciate when i make a mistake in life, and confess to it, only to be told about it numerous times. I'm not sayin, i'm just sayin.

I reread the OP and all i saw was a question to the membership about who else has done this. I guess my earlier reply was just showing my surprise about all the sussing going on.

I really was not trying to slam any SOs either, and you make very valid points, idk................... it is what it is.
My point is just that after reading about these issues with SOs time after time, it becomes apparent that we will seldom be allowed even the slightest little freedom, as in the case of some underdressing, because what we do is wrong.

My apologies to any who i have offended.
mj (Cassie)

[JustineFallow]

You could always quote Eddie Izzard: "They're not women's clothes--they're MY clothes!"

And to answer the question, no, I've not been so tempted in my adult years. There were a few times where I did so in my teens, but since those are the years of bad impulse control anyway I'm sure I'm entitled to a few mulligans, no?

[Misty G]

I over twenty people spending the weekend at our house this weekend but I wore the same under clothes as I always do, panties, hose, and most of the time a bra.

[Sara Jessica]

@Sara,
Ok, i'll agree that calling all the replies negative might be a little overboard, but when someone posts that they did indeed break a trust, is it required that she get called out on it.
I for one don't appreciate when i make a mistake in life, and confess to it, only to be told about it numerous times. I'm not sayin, i'm just sayin.

I reread the OP and all i saw was a question to the membership about who else has done this. I guess my earlier reply was just showing my surprise about all the sussing going on.

I really was not trying to slam any SOs either, and you make very valid points, idk................... it is what it is.
My point is just that after reading about these issues with SOs time after time, it becomes apparent that we will seldom be allowed even the slightest little freedom, as in the case of some underdressing, because what we do is wrong.

My apologies to any who i have offended.
mj (Cassie)

Nice reply MJ, I do see where you're coming from.

And to clarify, taking offense may have been a little harsh of a term, but only a wee bit harsh. I said what I said in defense of our SO's.

As for calling Christy out when she already admitted to what she had done, call it positive reinforcement. It was certainly something that couldn't be ignored. But the point was made, everyone gets it and we pretty much move on to what is next. So let us do that, focus on why Christy felt the need to do what she had done and what others have done in similar circumstances.

I'll tackle this from the comments that you and others have made about underdressing. However much or little we might do this...

1. It doesn't hurt anyone.

2. No one will ever know.

3. What's the big deal?

Well from the SO's POV...

1. It hurts her.

2. She knows. And if the SO is anything like mine, she might also subscribe heavily to the "what would the neighbors think" theory in that something bad is certain to befall me if I happen to be out and about wearing anything feminine under my guy clothes, something to require hospitalization and/or EMT attention. And we all know those people will run to the media if one of us are encountered, right? Even though we understand, especially through writings in these pages, that these professionals have seen it all and maintain their professionality despite what they observe, saying so doesn't necessarily help our SO's cope with this fear, as irrational as we might think it is.

3. It's a big deal to her.

See? It all comes back to a battle of wills. We need to do certain things in the name of our TG nature, no matter where we fall on the spectrum. And at the same time, she needs for us not to do these things.

So to bring it full circle, and I essentially admitted this in my first post in this thread, I constantly push boundries such as this. I know she hates it, yet I do it anyway. The deeper theme here is that in Chisty's case, this isn't one singular incident. It is something that will play out throughout the marriage over and over again absent some sort of honest communication and meeting of the minds on the subject.

[JamieTG]

I definitely sympathize with Christy as I have been in the same situation. Sometimes the compulsion just takes over and you have to get ahold of something no matter what the consequences. In my younger years I would have many "cycles" where the desire to go buy some lingerie was so strong that I would play hooky from work. Just the act of going to buy something would calm me back down even though I know I should have been at work. I guess my willpower wasn't strong enough to do the right thing.
Jamie

[danielletorresani]

I understand the compulsion, but consider this...you have an extremely understanding wife that knows about your crossdressing and is okay with it. What you did, promising her something than blatantly breaking that promise...that's just not cool. Most guys that crossdress would be lucky to have a wife that is understanding towards this habit, so I think you should stop taking advantage of that. If you promise her that you won't indulge for a time, then keep your word and don't do it.

[Miss Misery]

While I've been pretty ardent in my support for the CD in relationships in this case, I have to support your SO. She asked you specifically not to wear women's clothing (regardless of the semantics, it's apparent what she meant) and you should have honored that request. I KNOW there are srong compulsions to dress but a few days seems like a small "price to pay".

Perhaps your wife was worried about accidental outing to her family. There could be a number of reasons why she asked you not to dress and I think you should have taken heed. On top of all that, it sounds like you're feeling guilty about it as well - definitely something none of us need to do.

I would make a concerted effort to not do that again unless you're willing to jeopardize your marriage in the long run. Just my opinion.

[Cassandra Lynn]

@Sara,
Agreed, on all acounts.
I appreciate your honest and thoughtful way of breaking it down, something that is often forgotten here. These issues and discussions are apt to get heated, so thanx for keeping it real yet subtle.

And since Christy and her SO are early in coming to terms with all this, i do agree that her not holding out was a mistake. But let's hope that time will lead to more and better communication and an equally mutual compromise.

Best of luck Christy.
mj (Cassie)

[Christy_M]

Well i certainly appreciate everyones perspective on this. For those who haven't read my post earlier this summer, my wife found out about my crossdressing about 5 years ago and made me promise to quit or she would divorce me. I love her with all my heart and so I agreed. I managed to supress the need for a few years but ultimately could not stop. shortly after I started dressing again, I joined this forum. Shortly after that I started seeing a shrink. Shortly after that told my wife. She was not then nor is she now "cool" with it. I may be weak minded or weak willed but have not been able to suppress this need for the last 7 or 8 months. I do not want to take advantage of my wife nor do I want to risk losing her but (and here is why I wrote the OP) i don't know why I can't control this. Has anyone had this uncrollable need that has been successfully supressed (or not supressed) and what worked to suppress it.

I continue to love my wife. while their are boundries, one person's prison is another's paradise. I don't think that her request was unreasonable. That is why I said OK. I am embarassed that I couldn't hold out. I smoked for two packs a day for 14 years and quit cold turkey. Why can I not suppress this?