Who am I trying to kid?

[Rianna Humble]

I guess I should have expected this at some point because things had been going too well.

Most of you will have read my story over the last year and seen how relatively smoothly things have gone for me - even the hatchet job done on me in the national papers didn't seem to shake my belief in what I was doing to become the real me.

I had to wait longer than I had anticipated for the local NHS to agree to fund my treatment, but as I shared the other day, that news came through and gave me a major boost.

Friday morning, I was excited about an award I was getting at work and was busy putting on the first coat of nail varnish at 4 a.m. (as you do) when I was hit by a thought so loud it could have been said by someone standing next to me (except that there was no-one). The thought was:

"Who are you trying to kid? You go around telling people that you are a woman trapped in a man's body, what makes you think anyone will believe you? You're not a woman and never have been".

I never mentioned it at work that day and only one or two extremely good friends picked up on my doldrums. Today, I had to woman up and go into work without letting it affect my job, but why can't I shake the thought?

In some ways (intellectually) I know it's crazy because despite my voice, I am accepted by people I meet in the street and so on. I was even told by one GG over the weekend that she admired my nail varnish and thought it went so well with my outfit that she wanted to buy some for herself.

So what is wrong with me, or am I really just trying to kid myself?

[Leanne2]

Rianna,
There is nothing wrong with you. Being a woman is what is between your ears, not your legs. You are a woman with a birth defect. Maybe you can get your birth defect corrected; maybe you can't. But you are still a woman. Now, let me give you a big hug. Leanne

[pamela_a]

Rianna, I remember my voice saying the same thing to me and it bothered me also. It wasn't until I realized just how happy I was and how natural living as a woman was to me that I knew that voice was lying to me. That voice isn't yours, it's the remnants of the societal conditioning we've all been through trying 1 last time to reclaim your life. Look inside, you know it's wrong.

[Melody Moore]

Rianna, I think its just a perfect example of how sometimes we might stop question
ourselves because of the bigotry we hear that goes on all around us everyday in society

I don't listen to stupid voices in the head because they get you into so much trouble....
Just keep following what you feel in your heart because it will guide you & ignore everything else. ;)

[Stephanie Anne]

Ah doubt. Only by losing everything are we free to do anything.

Stop trying to be a woman trapped in a man's body. That is just a pointless endeavor. Just be who you are and accept you are a woman no matter the self doubts about appearance or acceptance.

Blah blah blah (as in me and useless advice)... let go and stop worrying so much. Being trans does often come with a heavy load and the best way to overcome is to simply stop worrying and love the woman you are. not the woman you wish you were.

Sounds to me like you are having a tough time gaining acceptance from the only person that matters.

[Inna]

Aha, so I am not the only one with that voice in my head!!!!!!!!!
Baby, I feel at times that jumping off the tallest building would be so much easier then going forth with this at times seeming a "disillusion". But yet we go on despite this hurtful self inflicted wounds. We have lived a lifetime in the wrong avatar so when our mind tries to disconnect from it, it finds it self naked and vulnerable and scared of the new. But every time I tell my self I am a bloke, and minutes later if I imagine actually regressing to my old male self I vomit all the emotions in disgust of all those lies I had to endure. You are you, not male nor a woman, just you. What suits you is the afterthought and reaffirmation of your feminine presentation. I believe we are still within our soul, from the day we came to visit here, this earth, this dirt, the bodies we have been dealt are a mistake and we are doing something about it, but we are same as we always were. Feminine, vulnerable, beautiful! Love you bebe and love your soul just as you are, Alexia

[MJ]

you know in your heat sis there is no doubt

[TommyII]

Rianna, I think it must have been a holiday broadcast, because I heard it also. I listen, but I know I can't quit. I've quit and purged so many times and I'm still here. Every where I go there I am. You can run, but you can't hide from your self. Take time. I feel very female at times and not so much at others. We all go through up and down feelings. Just relax and be you. Real friends love you, not what you wear or what you look like.
Big Hug

[Aprilrain]

If this is the only time you have questioned yourself consider yourself lucky. I question myself constantly but like others have said look in your heart not in your mind for the answer. I'm not going to say your right or wrong because only you know what your feeling. It's my belief that none of us got the wrong body or mind or gender identity we got what we got and it's up to us to make the most of it. We're trans and that's that. Sometimes I feel perfectly feminine and other times I just feel tired. Lol.

[metalguy639]

You are not trying to kid yourself. I think we all go through this to some degree. I go through this same thought process about once a month myself and I completely pass, do not ever get people calling me ma'am, always have felt male etc. I will sometimes think, "What am I doing?". But I have to step back for a moment, take a deep breathe and think about all the things that make me who I am and think about the fact that everyone else sees me as male and I would not have it any other way. Its positively normal to have second thoughts transitioning is a BIG DEAL. Only you know who you are on the inside and if who you are on the inside does not match the outside physically, then you are most likely doing the right thing by transitioning. Hope it helps :)

[Deborah_UK]

Hi Rianna

Seems to be a common response here, just wondering if its a natural reaction after the high of finally being true to yourself - I started a thread a couple of months back with similar feelings - but not articulated as well, but my feelings echoed yours

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?139137-What-do-I-really-want&p=2259426&highlight=#post2259426

I take heart from so many of my friends and colleagues telling me they've never seen me so happy (despite all the cr*p at work with impending pay cuts and job losses) and one of the girls at work, when I mentioned the other day it had been a year since I sent my "letter" out, said she can't even remember "him" she only sees Deb. And I bet you'd get the same reaction from your colleagues.

It will pass. Enjoy your life :)

[noeleena]

Hi ,

So, WHO are YOU really kiding , are you REALLY trying , that means acting , are you that good an actor that you can fool people.
Or are YOU fooling your self . hmmm

That would be more in line as to how i see my self defects faults certinly not looking any thing like a woman , i sure must have made the biggest mistake of my life. to even think i could be a woman what possed me to even think it , let alone live it. .

You know one of our biggest problems in life is .

lack of , self esteem self worth, knowing who we are. being rejected & plain old not accepting WHO we are.

Doughts,

i dont look right, dont sound right & no dought theres more .
& then the utter fear, of not being accepted.

Im on two womens forums & you know what , ill say we have the same details the same thoughts , Hey these people are women .

Dont even think for a moment you are not a woman , not even head space. remember the thin edge of the wedge , well dont ,

You are who you are . iv said this before , my friend told me ...really quite pointedly

Ill say to you ,

..................YOU are a WOMAN ........THEN BE ONE............. & dont ever forget it,

...noeleena...

[Gerrijerry]

At this time of year many of us have deep feelings about others and ourselves. We look over our lives and wonder did we do the correct thing. In the end the correct thing is what you feel not what others tell you to feel. Having second thoughts is a way we check ourselves to make sure that we are doing and did what we think is correct. Only you can really deside what you need to be complete as a person. You can determine your future it is never too late to change you mind. They say that is what woman do.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it's clear that many of us (me included) have that thought...i STILL have that thought sometimes! It's a very tough thing and it's worst when i'm towering over someone at the shoprite or scratching the stubble that won't leave my chin..
You've been bombarded your entire life by the facts of the case maam!!! all the data was in...you are a guy!!... but despite all that, you know you are not ....

so having a doubt or twenty sounds more like a sanity check than a crisis but when you are sitting there having that doubt it feels awful... don't get me wrong, if doubts persist, and if your confidence is shaken, this can impact you in lots of ways and its important you deal with how you are feeling...

the only fact that's for sure is that you are who you are...and only you are allowed to have that answer.....

[Kathryn Martin]

I think these questions are completely normal. In fact they are so normal that non trans folks have them about all kinds of things all the time including their own gender. You would not be human if you did not have those questions. Don't let this take anything away from your decision and determination. Some times we may just have to plod along to get us through the quicksand. People will believe you, they already do, at least most. The others would call a child ugly or you a man, just to hurt, and cannot or should not be counted.

Take heart

Kathryn

[Jorja]

Rianna,
We all have doubt at one point or another (for me it was every step of the way). You are getting ready to make a really big change in your life. I would be more afraid if you didn't have doubts. It shows that you are mentally thinking about your situation and making sure it is right for you. You have lived with this for a long time and now it is becoming real. You already know the answer deep in your heart or you wouldn't be at the place you are now.

[Rianna Humble]

Thank you all for your encouragement. You are right that doubts are normal and that it would be worrying if i never had them,but you are also right that it is hard to get through them to the other side.


one of the girls at work, when I mentioned the other day it had been a year since I sent my "letter" out, said she can't even remember "him" she only sees Deb. And I bet you'd get the same reaction from your colleagues.

You are so right Deb, although my actual transition only began 5 months ago, a GG at work said to me on Monday that she cannot remember me as Robert (despite the fact that she first knew me as him and most of that time he only sat a few desks away from her). When I mentioned to my manager that I had been Rianna since 1st July, she said that it seemed more like a lifetime but in a positive way.

Noeleena, You too are right - I'm not really trying to kid anyone but it is easy for my doubts to tell me that that is what I am doing.

I guess that there had been so many positives that something had to come along and introduec a note of caution in case I got carried away with myself. At least now I know that I am (almost) human :heehee:

I am always grateful to the members of these forums whether you post openly in the threads or privately, your support means a lot to me - even when you sometimes have to tell me things that I don't want to hear. The great thing is that all of you do it in such a positive and supporing manner. I think that is a skill that we women have which natal males do not generally develop.

Our FtM brethren also have that skill because they understand the difficulties in a way that cisgendered folk find difficult and that makes them better men.

[Louise C]

Ha! Doubt! that little thing....... And what a rotten thing it is too.
Amazing how a single thought like that can make you feel so shite. Really.

I was sort of relieved (sorry) to hear so many others, as you do, experience it. I have really suffered from self doubt from time to time, but you have to just carry on till it goes away....only to return some time later.

I think of it as reaffirming that something major is happening and that in itself comforts me. I try to remind myself of the times when i tried to keep it all under wraps and how desperate i felt. Nothing can be as bad as feeling like that, so i just put my head down and carry on.........

[Faith_G]

it's clear that many of us (me included) have that thought...i STILL have that thought sometimes! It's a very tough thing and it's worst when i'm towering over someone at the shoprite or scratching the stubble that won't leave my chin..
You've been bombarded your entire life by the facts of the case maam!!! all the data was in...you are a guy!!... but despite all that, you know you are not ....

so having a doubt or twenty sounds more like a sanity check than a crisis but when you are sitting there having that doubt it feels awful... don't get me wrong, if doubts persist, and if your confidence is shaken, this can impact you in lots of ways and its important you deal with how you are feeling...

the only fact that's for sure is that you are who you are...and only you are allowed to have that answer.....What she said. I think "Who do you think you're fooling?" passes through all our heads from time to time. It's normal to have doubts but your doubts don't change the truth.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Rianna,

Embrace your doubts as they keep us grounded and on our journey's path. Having doubts from time-to-time is a sign of wisdom, rational thought, and a means in which to stop for a moment and access where you are in your transition and where you want to go, how fast, how slow, and how far.

Going through transition in a euphoric state of mind can be disastrous. Give me doubts, give me caution, and give me weak moments because it is out of those that we grow and become a mature seasoned women.

I do not fear for those who worry or have weak moments, I fear for those who don't!

Listen to your inner self and learn from these moments as they can be rewarding experiences in and of themselves.

[Katesback]

Think thats bad then wait till you have the vivid nightmare (being post-op) that IT grew back. Talk about waking up screaming.

[Emma Leigh]

Rianna my friend, you know where I am if you need to talk.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

In the last week or so, I don't know why but I've had some of the strongest feelings of "Who am I fooling" or "am I really Trans". It worries me some, I don't know what to think at times, sometimes I think I'm doing this just to feel better about myself. Has other MtF's had these feelings before...? I've been out 24/7 now for a year now and have also had my name changed and my gender has been changed on my employee records, license etc.. Kimberly Marie Kelly