Which direction to take

[Kokoro]

About 3 weeks ago I went to a Psychiatrist in order to get an assessment for referral to a gender clinic. After an hour of extremely personal questions I think the psychiatrist got the impression that I was just a cross dresser with a fetish for women's clothing which is nothing like how I feel.

At the time my state of mind was leaning towards the male side and the enthusiasm for the subject was quite low. I did my best to take the neutral approach when answering his questions. I can't help but feel that this was the wrong thing to do, despite being the most logical one. As of now I've swung back the other way towards a female state of mind.

Anyway, I've got a follow-up appointment which means his diagnosis was inconclusive and I need a further assessment before my case can be referred to this panel that decides where to spend money. Basically he wants to know if I'm worthy of having treatment spent on me.

Anyway, I don't know where to go with this. Try to keep things neutral and describe how I feel, or try to move things along by telling him how I feel. Maybe it's a good thing if he hears what my female self has to say about it all now after he's heard the male account.

I just can't shake the feeling that this is going to be one of those big life-changing decisions. Do I stay (as I am now), or do I go (on a life-changing journey)?

[Ayumin]

I understand how you feel in a way, I have always had the same feelings when talking to psychiatrists, that they might take the thing completly wrong as its very easy to do.
I wonder tho, wouldn't trying to tell him how you feel give another perspective of the whole thing, which might be what he needs, to get to another level of understanding. I think as you say, this might be one of those biggies that change everything, but if you feel that you are 200% certain about it, then ask yourself this, do you want to stay the way you are or do you want to and the most important; are you ready to get on the journey of life-changing proportions?

I hope this helps you in atleast the tiniest of ways!

Cuddles and lots of heartshaped hugs to you Kokoro-chan!
-Ayu

[noeleena]

Hi ,

I see a problem there straight away you said being neutral thats saying you not really allowing your self to be who you are .
The best way i can decribe this is .

I was asked to speak to a group of over 70 people . i had never done that ever . if i was asked id be gone hide what ever.

This first time it was about who i am as a person my life i just came alive i loved it i just told them from the heart this was / is my story . its real.. my life this was very important ,

when you listern to some one is it boring like oh dear i may as well go to sleep , or your sitting on the edge of your seat theres life about whats being said .

Okay i dont expect you to be like me thats not the point its about you getting it over your body langage will speak more for you than your words if you dont belive in your self then will any one else . you know the saying your eyes light up....
This is me this is where im going my life is so important that i need your help will you help me on my way.

Okay it may be a bit late tho i dought it write down what you wont or need to say what you expect, where your going , how your going to get there , & why, no ifs no buts no dillying around this is what YOU need . do some home work so when ?? s are asked you know the asnwers .
Allow your self to be who you see you as , dont make it a bloody boreing bit of ho hum well may be i think this is may be right for me attatude kind of thing. if your doughting your self now whats going to happen later on when things get tough,

one of the most important details you accept your self for who you are,

All the best in your endevers ,

...noeleena...

okay i have a few years on you .

[danielleb]

Maybe take a couple of print outs of some of your posts on this site in with you to the appointment. It would help to give a solid foundation for discussion, and undoubtedly are not filtered thoughts from that "neutral" position. The worst thing you can do to yourself is continue lying, haven't you already done that long enough? Just be yourself, and honest, and wherever that leads, just follow the path.:)

[Billijo49504]

Go to the appointment dressed as the woman you are. That should help get you in the right mood for the appointment Good luck...BJ

[Kokoro]

That sounds like a very good idea denielleb. Those posts contain some very truthful feelings that I may not admit to all the time. I'll get some printed off and show him.

Billijo - I'm not that far along yet. I'm rather deep in the closet still and though I am warming up to who I am I'm not ready to go all out and dive in quite yet.

[Melissa A.]

I am saddened that in the UK, you have to be subjected to this kind of scrutiny and patronization by, I assume, mostly men who are arrogant enough to tell you they know better about what you need than you do. When gender clinics were in use here, most of those running them thought we were a bunch of liars. Of course. The standards for who was deemed worthy and who wasn't was based on a sexist, patriarchal fantasy dreamed up by men whose goal was to protect society from transsexuals, not the other way around. I'm hoping that those thoughts are a bit more enlightened now. But the fact that you must prostrate and humble yourself this way is something I find particularly disgusting. Yuck. I am sorry that you had to, and continue to have to go through this.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wow that is tough Kokoro...its almost like you have to diagnosis yourself so you can give the right answer to the questions....

you need to take the time you can now to really explore how you are feeling ...i think by being "neutral" you are missing an opportunity and if you have to go through a terrible process that you can't control, its better to at least take the chance that you are dealing with a good person who is really looking out for you...

[Kokoro]

Melissa - It's rather strange, I was originally meant to see a female psychiatrist who has refereed several patients to Gender Clinics before. Up until the guy called my name I was under the assumption I was still going to be seeing her. Next appointment also looks to be pot look as to who I'll see. The Doctor I saw was also a Junior Doctor, whereas the doctor I was originally referred to is a consultant though I can't see that affecting my treatment. I least I hope not.

Kaitlyn - That was the impression I also got. He told me the clinic I was being referred to was for treatment for GID rather than as a form of diagnosis. He said it was people that were already more or less sure of themselves. I find it quite disconcerting that I'd be more or less expected to go to them and near enough state I'm a girl trapped in a guys body to receive treatment.

I'll keep you all updated, my appointment is on Monday.

[danielleb]

Keep your spirits and and just remember that you're dealing with bureaucracy.:Angry3:

[thechic]

Hi there
Shouldn't you be seeing a psychologist.
A psychiatrist is a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders.
Transsexualism is not a mental disorder or sickness.

[Rianna Humble]

I am saddened that in the UK, you have to be subjected to this kind of scrutiny and patronization by, I assume, mostly men who are arrogant enough to tell you they know better about what you need than you do.

As I understand it, there are a few mental illnesses which can produce symptoms that may mimic Gender Dysphoria. The evaluation is designed in part to screen out those illnesses and in part to conform to the part of the SoC which talks about a person making an informed choice.

It is unfortunate for Kokoro that she was seen by a junior doctor rather than the consultant who is more experienced, but even the most experienced consultant had to start somewhere. I also think that it is unfortunate that she chose to play it in a neutral manner rather than talk about the effects that the dysphoria has on her life. The junior doctor doesn't know anything about her background so has to make a judgement based on what he hears during the consultation. At least he has invited her back for a second appointment rather than just dismiss her out of hand. It seems to me that he is just being prudent and not rushing to judgement.

None of what I have written makes it any easier for Kokoro though, I'm sorry that she has to go through this all again. :hugs:

[Kokoro]

thechic - I'm also seeing a psychologist as well. I've been told (by my psychologist) I need an assessment from a psychiatrist to discern my mental well-being and that I'm not suffering from any diseases. Then I'll be give the all-clear and referred to the GIC. It's a long-winded process that I'm getting fed up with, but it must be done.

Riannna - It's a hard slog, but it does finally feel like things are going somewhere. It's better to know they DO want to see me again for more information rather than waiting on a yes or no decision. I'll give it my best.

[Danni Bear]

Kokoro,

It is in the SoC that there not be a classified impairment to mental health. It is not required for diaganosis but is there for guidence in treatment. Many clinics use that acessment to help determine the pace of treatment and transition.Every individual is different in how fast and what needs to be accomplished before starting and during transition. The SoC is only a guide, not an absolute rule.

If mental problems were able to stop transition, I would never have been able to. I have suffered from manic/depressive disorder for most of my life with bouts of clinical depression and suicidal tendencies. There have been multiple hospitalizations over many years yet I still transitioned in 2000. Be honest with them and you will go forward, doubts are normal for us all. If we didn't have them, then the DR's get worried about our mental states. This is a life changing journey and one that is hard for anyone to take.

Danni

[Kokoro]

Well, I'm back from my appointment with the Psychologist. I don't think it could have gone any better!

The session began with him telling me that he had spoken to the Gender Clinic and based on what we had discussed in our previous meeting I was being referred to the clinic for therapy. I asked him what this would entail and it would basically be similar to his session with me but more specialist in order to establish my gender as (as I correctly assumed) he believed I was confused about my gender and would require another psychiatric assessment if after that I wanted to go through with gender reassignment. My immediate reaction to this was 'Oh for goodness sake, not even more prodding and poking. I want to move forward!'. So I told him.

As per suggestions in this thread I handed him a print off of some of the posts I've made on this board over the past few weeks. While he was reading it I told him that in our last session I'd attempted to be analytical and logical about my predicament and wasn't properly conveying my feelings of how I felt. I more or less just answered his questions and expected him to tell me whether I have gender dysphoria or not and to what extend. To put it into perspective for him, I told him if he was to say to me that I could no longer proceed with treatment and that this was the end of it I wouldn't be able to continue living my life the way I am now. I'd probably be able to cope, but I'd be miserable. Knowing how I've felt for the lest 10 years or so and facing the prospect of shouldering that burden for the next 50 or 60 year is simply not a possibility. I explained that any misgivings I have are down to facing the transition itself. There's the chance my parents could dis-own me over it, may cause many problems for my social life, career and marriage/child prospects etc. It's these that are/were holding me back rather than a desire to be male. Seeing if I could 'make do' being a male wasn't an option.

After listening to me he asked me if I had made up my mind and that if I wanted to be female I answered 'Yes, I do. I'm scared and apprehensive about going through a transition but I want to be female, not male'. He then told me that because I'd decided which direction to take he could refer me directly to the gender reassignment portion (which covers everything from gender therapy to SRS) of the clinic and would not need to go through more therapy and more psychiatric tests to establish which gender I wish to be.

I know it sounds like I've deliberately said this to get treatment, but I do want the treatment. Know I know it's an eventuality, not a possibility I am over the moon. I can't wait to get my appointment letter and start. I almost can't believe things are finally moving forward and I'll finally get some treatment for this. I'm so happy and excited.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are not the first person to say what you needed to say to keep progressing...it really is amazing how gatekeepers can impact our lives...even with the best intentions... there is no question that I said things to make sure I got the right "diagnosis"...in the end i wasnt diagnosed...i just said "i want to start HRT" and later "i want to transition" and in each case my terrific therapist agreed and supported me and was careful to say she wasnt judging me and wouldnt judge me if i changed my mind..

..over time you will make progress on how you feel...you will either realize that your own negative feelings towards transness have been hurting you, or your own indecision is simply that...or even that you tried it and didnt like it...whatever you find out, its important that you are open and honest with yourself above all else...if you can do this, you can control the gatekeepers rather than have them control you!!! its so simple and obvious to me now, but only through hindsight can i really understand how i navigated through the last 5 years of my life..the best case scenario is you get a good therapist and he/she can be more of guide and sounding board for you and not really a gatekeeper..