What kept you going?

[Jay Cee]

Once you figured out that you were a transexual, but before you transitioned (or are going to transition) what kept (keeps) you going? What motivates you to get out of bed every morning and face the world?

[Megan Thomas]

The new life that awaits me once i have transitioned, plus the love of a wonderful SO.

[MJ]

You kinda have no choice transition or death your choice... death is not an option right so you just keep going it's never easy you just do it

FYI i'm still no where were i want to be and i'm post op you just keep going

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I agree with MJ...

On the downside, I spent alot of time feeling down and sorry for myself..on the upside, i used my time to lose weight and I spent alot of time figuring out how to look and talk the way i wanted...in other words, i crossdressed alot, and i socialized more and more...

but no matter how you handle the details, y ou just do it...and then one day you wake up and you realize the progress you made...and you move on to the next goal..

[morgan51]

Just the smallest of a step toward my authentic body or mannerisms is enough to get me thru one more day sometimes its just trying to lose weight or get/stay in shape. sometimes its just painting my nails or toenails any small gesture helps my mindset. Like M J said death isn't an option so I keep on.

[tanyalynn51]

Sometimes, its hope for the future that is all that keeps me going. I wonder whether Ill ever make it all of the way through this. Having to live as a man part of the week makes it harder, but Im not giving up.

[metalguy639]

For once in my life I am myself....that is what keeps me going.

[noeleena]

Hi,,

A number of details in my life

i told Jos 13 years ago i am a woman, point blank , knowing who i was / am.

Our daughter gave birth to Dejarn shes now allmost 8. i saw her as my child who i could never have. there is nothing she does not know about me, she , when she was born kepted me going that tiny little child, & very close to me as i her,

Being some what pig headed as knowing i would live as a woman in my own right. going through 8 years of total Hell.

A fear of not being accepted , was turned around ,

with that knowing you do ,not looking like a woman another fear , that was over turned because of being accepted by so many 100s of people some thing that i never ever thought could or would happen after a life of not really being accepted.

A term i used was im a transfemale one who is allways growing , to be a woman you grow in to being one , any way thats me .

...noeleena...

[Gerrijerry]

I sometimes wonder the same thing. I guess just wanting to be who I am inside and moving on with everything else. Just another broken thing to get fixed.

[JamieTG]

I've had depression and anxiety issues related to this for many years. On a daily basis, excersise is my best medicine. I have my mornings free so I'm able to work out before going to work. Some mornings its really tough to fight through the depression and get myself out the door but I know I'll feel so much better after a vigorous run or a bike ride. It drastically improves my mood and sense of well being for that day. Then I under dress when I go to work. I just try to get through one day at a time and not obsess about the future and things I can't change.
Jamie

[Rianna Humble]

Once you figured out that you were a transexual, but before you transitioned (or are going to transition) what kept (keeps) you going? What motivates you to get out of bed every morning and face the world?

I don't know the answer to that question, but can answer a similar one. Once I accepted what I had always known but fought (that I am transsexual) what kept me going was the prospect of what could be once I began to transition.

I had a peiod of at least 5 months where I could not do anything towards transition in my life outside of work - and that was one of the most difficult periods apart from the suicidal depression that brought me to accept myself. For those months, I had to pretend to nearly the whole world that I was really a bloke and it made me want to be sick every time. However, I kept going because I was holding on to the hope that one day I could stop pretending.

The other thing that kept me going was the love and support of my friends (mainly) on these forums.

[Stephanie Anne]

Hunger pains. If I didn't get up, I wouldn't eat or work. If I didn't work, I could not afford to eat. Before starting transition I was a wreck and kept trying to just out grow being trans. That worked oh so well.

Funny thing is now that living full time has come around, I find I still am just as bored sitting at home as I was before. Now it just takes longer to get dressed in the morning.

[Melody Moore]

The short answer to your question is 'Distractions'.

I distracted myself from my transsexualism by immersing myself into anything that was far from feminine as could be. For a couple of years as a teenager (16-18) it was drugs & alcohol and what other stupid shit I could get away with without being arrested. I pulled out of that stupid downward spiral to disaster by joining the Army as Infantryman to prove to myself and my father I was a real man.

After I left the Army I turned to other extreme activities & occupations that gave me an adrenalin rush. I did things that made me feel manly & also got the attention of the girls. These activities included Music & Playing in a Band, Skydiving, SCUBA Diving (Working as a Divemaster), Rock Climbing, Mountaineering & Abseiling face-first down 300ft cliff faces. White Water Rafting, Motorcycles - Motocross, Road Racing & Drag Racing, Working as a Commercial Water ski Instructor & Commercial Fishing or occupations that were far from boring or mundane.

If there was ever a time I wasn't working I always kept myself as busy as could be to avoid slipping down into depression where the gender dysphoria would always seem to resurface which I realise now was the underlying cause of all my other issues & why I lived such a risky & dangerous lifestyle like taking off into the bush on my own on my bike and would be away all day. I never wanted to be at home alone & I think this is because of how much I feared myself. So I would constantly be cruising around town visting friends & was rarely home until very late at night or early hours of the next morning. For me home was just a place to sleep.

As I got older my body couldn't take so much physical punishment so I was forced to slow down after suffering a few serious injuries that landed me in hospital. I then distracted myself with other activities & occupations that were always interesting & mentally challenging. So I got into computers & commercial graphic arts and I use to stay at the office until 8 or 9pm at night. Eventually I went back to college & studied IT (Computer Hardware & Diagnostics, Networking & Web Design)which eventually led to me owning my own computer store and also got into web design & development.

Eventually my brain couldn't handle anymore of the stress I was putting myself through and that is when the anxiety & depression started to have an adverse affect on me and I got physically ill until I finally gave in to my transsexuality and started to transition. Within the first couple of weeks of being on Hormone therapy I started to feel some relief from all the anxiety & depression which is no doubt a direct result of my gender dysphoria.

[PortiaHoney]

Once you figured out that you were a transexual, but before you transitioned (or are going to transition) what kept (keeps) you going? What motivates you to get out of bed every morning and face the world?

Like many of the other girls here, it's not so much about what keeps you going before your transition, but how long you can fight the need or distract yourself from the "inevitable". As a male, I suffered terribly from anxiety and depression, borderline manic depressive for many years. I always knew I was female, just born into the wrong body. So, each day, I would get up in the morning hoping that horrible burning desire to be someone I wasn't would go away and that I will be able to live the rest of my life as a "normal" person. And, at the end of each day nothing would have changed.

I attempted to end it several times, but they were just screams for help which never got answered. I crossdressed for as long as I can remember, but it only ever made me feel empty when I would have to leave it all behind to be the person everyone expected me to be. I became a parent, which is what saved me. It's easier to justify the self sacrifice when you have little ones to consider. But then they grew up. I had several partners and broke up with them. It was all just so empty with a little glimmer of hope every now and then.

And then I was single. My job secure. Kids left home. That is when I got over the fear that had held me back for all those years. I look forward to every day. I don't bounce out of bed in the morning, but I don't dread it either. I don't have a partner, but I don't feel alone. I know relationships are going to be complicated, but they always have been - not to mention being built on a lie. At least now I am honest about who I am.

Once I decided to transition ie, change my life to the one it always should have been, every breath was all I needed to keep going. I was too excited by the changes I wanted to implement. I wanted to get out there and do everything yesterday. No, it hasn't been easy. But it is a darn sight easier than living the lie I was. I am no longer depressed, but I do get mood swings (a legacy). In the beginning it was a great adventure, telling people, going to the doctors getting what was required, shopping for a whole new life. And then it settles down to be just a normal life. No-one sees me as the person I used to be any more. It's been 7 months but it feels like he never existed and that I have always been this person. Yes, there is still a way to go, but I am happy with where I am. Anything more is a bonus.

I not exactly sure I know at what point I would actually classify that I have "transitoned". I am a work in progress and just trying to be a better person.

[kym]

the only thing that keeps me going now is what will get me through transitioning: a spouse that tells me every day"honey i could care less if you are male or female, transition if that what will make you whole, have the surgery, whatever it takes to make you happy. I am not going anywhere no matter what you do, i love you too much to let something as simple as gender bother me." When you get that kind of support it tends to make life a tad bit easier.

[sandra-leigh]

I have my intellectual work. I log on each day and help people with their computer problems and their science problems, and that's enough for me to know that I haven't wasted the day. It can simultaneously feel sometimes like just "marking time" until something outside of me settles down, or until my next appointment, but for that day at least, I did some good to someone. The years may slip by unmarked, and maybe I'm not exactly "happy", but I'm comfortable enough to get through day by day.

[Sharon]

I ran away from it for a few decades until I finally hit a wall. At age fifty I simply couldn't continue lying to myself any longer and I transitioned a week after turning 51.

[danielleb]

To start off, thank you for this thread Jay Cee. I had been thinking of starting this same type of thread today, as it's something I really need. I wish I had an answer, and am searching for one everyday!


Sometimes, its hope for the future that is all that keeps me going. I wonder whether Ill ever make it all of the way through this. Having to live as a man part of the week makes it harder, but Im not giving up.

I feel like I've spent so many days of my life just hoping and waiting on a "future" that never arrives. And in failing to learn from the past, I'm just acting like an insane person; expecting a different result this time around, as opposed to all the others of the past.


The short answer to your question is 'Distractions'.

I distracted myself from my transsexualism by immersing myself into anything that was far from feminine as could be.....
After I left the Army I turned to other extreme activities & occupations that gave me an adrenalin rush. I did things that made me feel manly & also got the attention of the girls. These activities included Music & Playing in a Band, Skydiving, SCUBA Diving (Working as a Divemaster), Rock Climbing, Mountaineering & Abseiling face-first down 300ft cliff faces. White Water Rafting, Motorcycles - Motocross, Road Racing & Drag Racing, Working as a Commercial Water ski Instructor & Commercial Fishing or occupations that were far from boring or mundane.

If there was ever a time I wasn't working I always kept myself as busy as could be to avoid slipping down into depression where the gender dysphoria would always seem to resurface which I realise now was the underlying cause of all my other issues & why I lived such a risky & dangerous lifestyle like taking off into the bush on my own on my bike and would be away all day. I never wanted to be at home alone & I think this is because of how much I feared myself. So I would constantly be cruising around town visting friends & was rarely home until very late at night or early hours of the next morning. For me home was just a place to sleep.

As I got older my body couldn't take so much physical punishment so I was forced to slow down after suffering a few serious injuries that landed me in hospital. I then distracted myself with other activities & occupations that were always interesting & mentally challenging. So I got into computers & commercial graphic arts and I use to stay at the office until 8 or 9pm at night. Eventually I went back to college & studied IT (Computer Hardware & Diagnostics, Networking & Web Design)which eventually led to me owning my own computer store and also got into web design & development.......

It's funny, right now I feel like the "light" version of you in a way.:heehee: I never allowed myself to get into drugs (I think becasue I've always been trying to prove my own "mental strength" to myself, so I could overcome this "problem"), or go to the extreme of the army, but I did go through playing in several rock bands, working at studio's/live sound, I'm an avid cyclist, and spent the past ten years building into road racing and opening a shop, going through illegal street racing, drag racing, etc, and taken similiar IT courses. I was always searching for that constant distraction, so I wouldn't have to face myself becasue I knew where I was headed.

Even more than that though, I think I've always been searching for acceptance, that I never allowed for myself. And I guess for right now, that is all that I'm hanging on to. This is the first period of my life that I feel accepting of myslef (it's also undoubtedly the lowest point so far as well), and I'm trying to allow myself to build that into something in a way that I never could before.
As a broad idea, this is great for me, but the reality of day to day is much darker, and there certainly are days that I can't stop thinking about the bottle of pills I have stashed away.:straightface:

[Kathryn Martin]

Even though the decision to transition came this year, I have been aware of my incongruity for a long, long time. There were times where things were really bad and sometimes even worse (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?144341-Despair&p=2337410#post2337410). What kept me going? Knowing that I could end it at every bridge abutment. I made a serious attempt at my life when I was 19. After that, I kept saying to myself that it had to get worse, a lot worse before I did this again. Since I was the judge of worse, I ended up being in control and somehow slugged it out. Getting up and facing the world? The responsibilities that my biographical decisions brought with them, my children, my parents and Elizabeth.

[MJ]

for years i lived in denial i never wanted to to transition i had a wife and children. and to be honest i just did not know what to do nor did i have this web site.

but the thing i never knew you can't run away from your gender issues because they will bite you in the ass big time and they sure did
danielleb
about the bottle of pills you have stashed away get rid of them it does get better in time you have to give yourself that time