Hello I'm Considering Transitioning into woman hood! I'm Scared!

[Rachel88]

Hi, Im Rachel I've recently come to terms with my depression that has been on going since I was 10. I got so depressed I've given up on life literally! I stopped going out i don't work I don't even leave my house anymore for the past year! I haven't been sure what the problem is but after exploring around I think I like more than crossdressing I really love the feel of being a woman. Here is where im scared i have decided for sure i would like to start hormones and possibly breast enhancements after hormones "Depends how hormones help me fill out" What has me worried is i don't want to loose my fiance she says to start living out my dream but she can't support me but she wont leave me that confused the hell outta me. also i don't want to never be able to find a woman to love me again im in a real pickle there as im not attracted to men i've explored and it just wasn't for me. im just scared that if i do this i will not only lose her but my chances of ever having a relationship with a woman again. please someone help ease my nerves im unhappy but it feels like im just going to have to be unhappy to have a relationship.

[Melissa A.]

Rachel, Maybe it's just me, and I don't have all the insights to your relationship and life at home, but if I were your fiance', I'd probably be a hell of alot more concerned about your fear of stepping outside, and lack of employment than anything else. How did you "explore around"? On the net? In your house that you're unable to leave? Think about that for a second...Do you really believe that you'll find any answers in that kind of solitary pursuit? The kind of deppression that leaves someone unable to leave their home is pretty serious. Maybe you should try to find the strength to get out and see someone that you can talk to about that, and anything else that you're feeling, including your gender issues. Loving the "feeling of being a woman" could be alot of things. You won't find out what by staying at home. Based on what you have given us, That would seem to me a bit more important right now.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Melissa is right. You need to seek some counseling.

Does this sound like you?

Agoraphobia is a fear of being in places where help might not be available. It usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.

Causes

Agoraphobia often accompanies another anxiety disorder, such as panic disorder or a specific phobia. If it occurs with panic disorder, it usually starts in a person's 20s, and women are affected more often than men.
Symptoms

* Anxiety or panic attack (acute severe anxiety)
* Becoming housebound for prolonged periods of time
* Dependence on others
* Fear of being alone
* Fear of being in places where escape might be difficult
* Fear of losing control in a public place
* Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
* Feelings of helplessness
* Feeling that the body is unreal
* Feeling that the environment is unreal
* Unusual temper or agitation with trembling or twitching

Additional symptoms that may occur:

* Abdominal distress that occurs when upset
* Breathing difficulty
* Chest pain
* Confused or disordered thoughts
o Intense fear of dying
o Intense fear of going crazy
* Dizziness
* Excessive sweating
* Heartbeat sensations
* Lightheadedness, near fainting
* Nausea and vomiting
* Numbness and tingling
* Skin flushing

I am not a doctor but I had a friend that had this and she acted much like you are describing.

Good luck but please do talk to some professional who can help you.

[Kelly DeWinter]

You have been given sound advice above, Find a counselor one that specializes in GID. If you have 'not been out of the house in over a year' and are 'expolring', I suspect you are surfing the internet. Limit your internet usage to 1/2 hour a day,turn off the TV, set your alarm to wake at 5:30 AM and don't go to bed or sleep until 10:30 PM, you may become so boared, that working will be a blessed relief. Start working on a resume, take short walks to places of employment ( there is nothing wrong with working at McDonalds ). On of the hardest things for a crossdresser or transsexual to accept, is that if they look like a woman or dress like a woman or transition to a woman, then the woman they are currently with "MAY NOT" want to be with a woman. It's a harsh reality, but thats what it is.

If you are not working, and are not contributing to the family, then you have a 'sugar momma', I would be very afraid if I were you, no one likes a freeloader. I know it sounds harsh, but men who do not work, attempt to work,

You are not scared of transitioning, but you are Scared of Life.

Kelly

[Gerrijerry]

I also aggree you need to speak to a counselor. Your issues are deeper then just gender.

[Billijo49504]

:hugs:Rachel, Please listen to the advice that the others have given you. I think you could really benifit from a therapist. I know it helped me a lot..:love:..Billijo

[sandra-leigh]

I've had the kind of depression that left me unable to leave the house some days, and made it very difficult for me to do any kind of work that required planning (but I could react). It was utterly miserable :sad: and I really had no idea what was happening until by chance I happened to read a newspaper advertisement asking for volunteers for a depression study and I matched 11 of the 12 symptoms (the ad said 3 or more qualified!)

For someone with depression such as I had, the problem with going out is not due to agoraphobia. Instead, due to a mismatch between biochemical transmitters and receptors, the reaction to take to every sensory impulse was being transmitted and acted upon multiple times, causing a lot of body conflict. Inside home where things were safe and static was bearable, but outside involved so much more sensory information that I would get overloaded. Part of my brain had a non-conscious estimate of how bad the processing mismatch was on any given day, and as I would prepare to go out, on days I was not in good shape, that part of the brain would signal inhibitation. "You don't want to go outside right now. It can wait until later. It can wait until tomorrow. It's Friday, you could skip work today and stay inside all weekend, and you'll feel better by Monday." And so on.

Some people have some measure of success in dealing with these kinds of problems with "self-talk" and yoga and meditation, but people who have a biochemical problem along the same lines to what I have usually go for a kind of anti-depressants appropriate for their situation -- though finding one that is effective and without unacceptable side effects can, frankly, be a period of trial and error. One of the ones I've tried along the way made me feel mentally much worse, and one of them had some kind of physical side effect that was psychologically tolerable to me but which is considered a medical contraindication sufficient to discontinue use. Nearly all of the medications have affected my sleep. One of them gave me very rich and vivid and interesting dreams, but unfortunately it did that all night long and I never got "restorative sleep" that regenerates the body itself.

Also, with the kind of depression I had, anti-panic drugs helped a lot in getting me out and through the day: by dampening down the rate of body reaction, they prevented the biofeedback spirals induced by changing sensory input.

After I had started treatment for my depression, but while I was still fairly affected by it, I discovered that what helped me far better than the drugs (at least for a period of time, though not necessarily long-term) was to go out dressed or partly dressed or at least shopping for women's clothes. On days when I couldn't face up to going 4 houses down to the corner store for some milk, I could often still spend a couple of hours getting myself ready and walk out the door as a para-woman, and go do something... even on a freezing cold "ya gotta really want to go out" sort of day.

Others have advised therapy. It took me years to be ready for therapy -- I had to gain back enough initiative and planning and forethought for therapy to be something I could intellectualize. When I was at my worst, I spent days in a stupor just feeling like I would never be "healthy" again. Therapy would probably have been very good for me at the time... if someone else had taken the trouble to book the times and driven me there and taken me home, as those things were beyond my limits. Reacting versus planning.

[tanyalynn51]

I cant express how much I agree with everyone else. My therapist has helped me through the start of the process, and also with other things that I didnt even think we would be talking about when I started. Please go and see somebody, especially a Gender ID specialist.

[CharleneT]

Welcome Rachel,

The best thing you can do it get yourself to where life is easier to handle. As many have said, make that first trip out of the house a trip to see a therapist. It sounds like you may have several things to work out. Some might be better dealt with prior to any gender issues. Please do yourself a favor and do not start hormones for a while ... either DYI or thru a doc. They can help some things, but the changes are big and can throw anyone for a major loop. There is a harsh truth about transition ( which what starting hormones is part of ), and that is you need to be ready to lose everything and everyone. Not that that happens to all, but it is possible. You could end up alone in many ways for a while. As for those changes you are thinking about from hormones, remember you get the whole range of affects, not just breast growth.