I feel like I'm standing still

[Steph.TS]

this summer I realized I needed to see a therapist, but after my mom reacted badly and opposed this, I haven't found a therapist to talk to, I started thinking about laser/electrolysis on my beard, but I'm too scared to do anything about it, or else my mom might be upset, I realize what I said makes me sound young but I'm in my late 20's, I am just afraid of jeopardizing my relationship with my family, and I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like like a transwoman, but a real woman.

I worry about my job I have the greatest job I've ever had and I don't want to jeopardize that either. how do I push myself, and build confidence and be my own person to move forward?

[Sharon]

Try not to be insulted by what I'm writing, but before seeing a therapist for your gender issues, I would recommend seeing one concerning your fear of your mother. Until you can place yourself a little bit higher on your priority list, then anything else is moot.

And you have to tell me what you mean by being a "real woman" at the time you transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i thnk a good therapist that specializes or is knowledgeable in gender issues will be well suited to helping you deal with your mom as well.. its all interrelated in my opinion...substitute wife, husband, girlfriend for mom and we all have had similar issues...

its important Jen for YOU to realize that this about about YOU. You need to realize that jeopardizing relationships is an unfortunate risk that you need to take...if you are too afraid of your mom to take that risk..then you are gonna need to change that..

the key to your success will include (among lots of things) you building up the confidence to let people know you are doing what's right for you. and that will help alot

[Melissa A.]

What Sharon and Kaitlyn said, dear. You must realize that ultimately, this is about you being good to you, rather than what is good for anyone else, including your mother. You also might give some thought to what you need, rather than how you will be percieved, or what you think constitutes a real woman.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[DeeDee1974]

Yes, you should see a therapist. A good gender therapist should be open to speaking with not only you but those close to you. My therapist a has seen me with each of my ex-wives, my mother, sister and my current boyfriend. It was especially helpful with the women in my life to understand me. My mom was the first to sit in a session with me. I was a scared 19 year old who was able to express things in a session I never could have outside the room at that time. I still go to the same therapist at 35.

[Jay Cee]

Everyone else has the therapy angle covered, so I will ask you what is so great about your job? Does it pay well? Is it irreplaceable? Does it have a policy regarding TG / TS employees? Is it a physically demanding job that you may not be able to do if you are on hormone therapy? Could you be transferred within the company?

[Kelly DeWinter]

........I am just afraid of jeopardizing my relationship with my family, and I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like like a transwoman, but a real woman.

I worry about my job I have the greatest job I've ever had and I don't want to jeopardize that either. how do I push myself, and build confidence and be my own person to move forward?

Jen,

As you consider these life changing events, please keep in mind that YOU cannot control or be responsible for how others react or feel. Read through the postes here of others who have transitioned, Some a verry small percentage have had no problems at all, however a larger percentage have had to deal with some major hurdles in their lives, such as prejudice, loss of jobs, marriage, family, relationships. Although it seems to be getting somewhat better every year, you are talking about life changing decisions. So whatever happens, you have to be prepared to handle peoples reaction to what you may/will do. If you cannot bare the thought of possible loosing relationships, then you should seek counseling prior to doing anything.

As others have stated, Working on your relationship, with your Mom first so that you can stand independent of her is a great starting point.

Could you clairify your sentence, It's hard to understand what you mean ?

"I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like like a transwoman, but a real woman."

[Steph.TS]

Thank you everyone from replying, I want to clarify something I'm not afraid of my mom. She's awesome, she is the one person who understands me the most. I don't want to lost that relationship. I know therapy would be benefitial, but this summer I had done some research and thought I'd try one, I couldn't call I was feeling so guilty about calling, I don't know if it's fear about my religion, or the fear of losing my mom if she never accepts this, but I felt guilty calling up so I couldn't do it.


Everyone else has the therapy angle covered, so I will ask you what is so great about your job? Does it pay well? Is it irreplaceable? Does it have a policy regarding TG / TS employees? Is it a physically demanding job that you may not be able to do if you are on hormone therapy? Could you be transferred within the company?
it's one of the most friendly and generous places I've worked, They pay fair, they have a policy for just about every group/minority out there besides TG/TS.As for physically demanding I sit at a computer all day. My Boss is friendly and so is the general atmosphere there, again something I don't want to jeopardize.

[Steph.TS]

Could you clairify your sentence, It's hard to understand what you mean ?

"I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like like a transwoman, but a real woman."
I meant to say "I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like look a transwoman, but a real woman." I just want people when they see me knowing nothing of my past to see me as they would any other woman, I am afraid of sticking out for the rest of my life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jen it is no shame to be afraid...all your fears are legitimate...

i shared many of your fears...and in the end, i was overwhelmed with the fear of dying unfulfilled and bitter...when i got scared of that, all my other fears melted away, even though lots of stuff i feared actually happened.

[Jorja]

Hello Jen, please do not take this as personal criticism it is just something for you to think about.

You say you are in your late 20’s so I take that to mean you are over the age of 21. This means you are an adult. Do you live with your mother? Does she pay your bills? Does she take care of you for a physical ailment or handicap? If not, you are free to make your own decisions about what is best for you.

I understand that you do not want to jeopardize your relationship with your mother, none of us do. The fact is, our world is wrought with disappointments, relationship upheaval, and depression. Some of us have lost everything because of our need to be our trueselves yet we have managed to survive. That is just the way it is in our society at this point in time. Do keep in mind that relationships can be mended and new jobs and friends can be found. Is it easy? No.

So how do you move forward? Like taking a trip across country to a place you have never been, you need a plan or a roadmap. Tsroadmap is a good place to start. Read all the way through it. It has many good bits of information http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html . It has already been mentioned, you find a gender thearpist. You work through all the problems, excuses, and fears you have for not moving forward. Once you realize that you can do this, your confidence will grow and you will be able to what you need to do. Are you going to get slapped in the face every step along the way? Yes, more than likely. It is like anything else in life, you just keep your eyes on the prize and continue on.

I think I understand you to say that when you transition you want to look like a “real” woman. Unless you are rather feminine looking now, there is no guarantee of that. Remember, there are women out there that do not exactly look all that feminine. There are ways to help your look though. Learning how to apply make up correctly is a huge start. When you can afford it there is plastic surgery and Facial Feminazation Surgery (FFS).

I wish you all the best.

[Melissa A.]

In addition, try not to underestimate your employers and co-workers. There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of, to be concerned about this. And if you value your career, it does pay to be careful. For many of us who have transitioned in place, our jobs were the biggest cause of anxiety. Personally, I know more people who have been pleasantly surprised by the reception they have recieved at work, than not. If your employers are as progressive and fair as you describe, there is at least a decent chance that you will be treated with respect. Just remember, it's helpful to be recognized as good at what you do, and very helpful if people know and like you to begin with. If you are somewhat new, and suspect that may take some time, then take all the time you need. I transfered within the same company 200 miles to the south from a huge facility to a much more intimate one, then waited about a year while everyone got to know and trust me. I have a very male job and I have been treated better than I dreamed I would be. I realize that there are alot of different factors at work here, including where you live, the size of your company(bigger tends to be better), and whether or not you are legally protected. Just don't assume that it will all be bad, cause ya never know.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[tanyalynn51]

We've all got issues and problems, and trying to solve them on our own, especially ones as big as these, is not good for us. Im not just speaking of us as transgendered people. Everyone has issues. How we deal with them sometimes may involve more help, but they are there. My therapist is working with me on all kinds of stuff, not just transgendered. She is such a big help.

[DeeDee1974]

I think the worst thing you could do is nothing. You need someone to talk to. The hardest time in my life was when I kept DeeDee bottled up. Always remember that if the current people in your life cannot accept you, there's a lot of new people to meet out there that will.

[Faith_G]

Thank you everyone from replying, I want to clarify something I'm not afraid of my mom. That's a load of crap. If you weren't afraid of her and you really have this great relationship you say you have, you would be able to tell her how you feel.

Fear is normal and it's OK to feel fear. But if you are going to get through this, you need to stop letting fear control you. Decide what you are going to do and follow through, no matter how scared you are.

[Karen564]

I meant to say "I want to be assured that if/when I transition, that I won't like look a transwoman, but a real woman." I just want people when they see me knowing nothing of my past to see me as they would any other woman, I am afraid of sticking out for the rest of my life.

What exactly does a Transwoman look like ? (you mean like me?) And what is a Real Woman?
I know many transwomen that look like natal women...most of those do because they transitioned while they were young (late teens & early 20's) And I also know many that transitioned much later in life & some of those look like natal woman & a smaller few of those are drop dead gorgeous knockouts...But regardless, everyone one of them are woman..

Like everything in life, we don't have complete control with every aspect of it...we didn't choose our parents, gender, heritage, race, voice, looks, traits or our personality, etc...it's what was given to us, but some of those things can be altered if we want it bad enough..

But 1st you have to think about this realistically, if you look like Lyle Lovett now, your never going to look like Pamela Anderson after you transition no matter what you do..

We all take what we have & make the best of it....being in your 20's is a great start for many, wish I started during my 20's before the Testosterone could do it's damage as it did to me..
So let me put it this way, the longer you put it off, the more time your gonna miss out on life as a young woman...no matter what you look like..

PS, I've seen some masculine looking females at all ages even though they were born all girl, but regardless of what they LOOK like, are they not Real Women ?...
So stop looking at all the glamor magazines & get real...that's life..

You really need to see a Gender Therapist & get over some issues ..

[Steph.TS]

Thank you everyone for replying, I'll renew my efforts to find a therapist, and try not to chicken out. it sounds like the first step has to be get therapy, then move from there... it would be great to talk about my issues and come to terms with them...

[shapeshifter]

I'm not wise and done with transition or anything (I'm just starting to explore, lol), but may I suggest support groups? Even if they're not your thing (e.g. older people, too mopey), they are SO helpful for meeting people - to call when you're stressed about gender, to teach you girly things, to hold your hand while you go into a scary place (like DRESS BARN! Dun dun DUN!). They'll know the local transfriendly businesses and they won't look at you like you're crazy.

It's helping me at least.