Being called "dear"...

[Leslie Langford]

I have a question for all the gurlz out there who, like me, frequently go out in public "en femme", and I'd be particularly interested to hear what our GG's might have to say on this topic as well:

On more than one occasion now, I have been referred to as "dear" by SA's or other women that I have interacted with. At first, I didn't take too much notice of that and actually saw it as some kind of compliment or term of endearment in deference to my age. Now that it's happened more and more frequently, I am not so sure anymore.

Is this actually a common form of endearment among women, or is it some sort of subliminal message to me on the part of these GG's that they realize that I am a crossdresser (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and are "in" on the illusion, but are also O.K. with it?

Either way, it sure beats being addressed as "you guys" irregardless of what gender or age bracket they are dealing with with on the part of younger people these days, especially the ones working in retail or as servers in restaurants.

[Christie ann]

it sure beats being addressed as "you guys"

or can I help you SIR?

[TxKimberly]

I've noticed the same thing. I think that maybe this is a fallback title used by people that are trying to be polite and understanding but aren't really sure how they are supposed to address us.
On the one hand, they "know" we are guys, but we are trying to be preceived as women. It creates a paradox for them. "Dear" and "honey" navigates them through the minefield in a way that they know wont possibly offend anyone.

[JohnH]

Even when I am en homme [in drab] female SA's sometimes call me "sweetie", "honey", and "hun". On the other hand, there might be something about my fairly long hair - over the ears and shoulder length in the back.

[t-girlxsophie]

Its preferable than anybody saying "Oh! Dear" :heehee:

:hugs:Sophie

[JohnH]

I've noticed the same thing. I think that maybe this is a fallback title used by people that are trying to be polite and understanding but aren't really sure how they are supposed to address us.
On the one hand, they "know" we are guys, but we are trying to be preceived as women. It creates a paradox for them. "Dear" and "honey" navigates them through the minefield in a way that they know wont possibly offend anyone.

Even before I grew my hair out and there was no doubt that I am a man I have still been addressed as "honey" or "hun".

John

[Karren H]

At the local casinos when there enfemme all the drink girls always call me dear "you need anything dear".. I think they call everyone dear.. We had a Sr VP of operations when I started that would call everyone Honey... And would say things like "just between us girls".. He was a hoot.

[Lynn Marie]

I've noticed the same thing. I think that maybe this is a fallback title used by people that are trying to be polite and understanding but aren't really sure how they are supposed to address us.
On the one hand, they "know" we are guys, but we are trying to be preceived as women. It creates a paradox for them. "Dear" and "honey" navigates them through the minefield in a way that they know wont possibly offend anyone.

Couldn't have said it better even if I could speak the King's English.

[MAJESTYK]

Most times it's just a common thing for women to say when being pleasant. I use the term all the time and occasionally even use hun, though I don't really like to. Don't really believe it's gender related just a pleasantry.

[Sandra]

I personally think it is just being pleasant and no hidden undertones.

It's not a word I tend to use...but one thing I have noticed is that it is the older lady who tends to use the word dear.

[AllieSF]

It could be a combination of trying to address us properly when dressed, though I would prefer Miss, and how they treat everyone. The checkout lady at my local pharmacy calls everyone, male and female, honey, hun, dear and sweetie. I personally do not like it when a stranger addresses me that way in any mode of dress. However, I also realize that that is how some people address others. So, I try to let it slide.

[Lexine]

I'd prefer that actually than being called "Ma'm"... the main reason being that "Ma'm" kinda sounds like "Man." With a guy saying that, it's often confusing whether they've clocked you or not. LOL!

[joank]

I have been the recipiant of 'dear' and 'ma'am' and I find either one of them acceptable. At the nail salon I frequent I am being recieved as a valued customer and even talked to about family matters with one of the technicians. We did 'seasons greetings' last time (Monday) and soft touching of the arm took place (in a very female way) by both of us. Of course, I tip well and thanked them for there willingness to do business.

[LeannL]

I have been called "dear" and "honey" a lot more times (not counting my wife doing so) when I am en femme than en homme. Of course, the ratio of being called ma'am when en femme to en homme, while not infinite is very large. I agree with Kimberly about its use.

Leann

[sissystephanie]

I have been called dear, honey, or hun so many times in my life that I could not possible count the times! But who really cares! Certainly not me! I am just glad that some person recognizes the fact that I want something, or need some help. What they call me probably has no relation to how I am dressed, whether enfemme or drab! I get called sir, ma'am, or dear when out in public in my skirt and feminine top as I usually am! And I clearly look like a man!!

Calling one "dear" does nor designate a sexual connotation to the designation. It merely simplifies what the person is trying to say, especially for a busy waitress!!

[Sophie86]

Those of us in the south are probably used to hearing those terms from women regardless of how we dress. I don't know how common it is up north though.

[Chickhe]

I think we gotta stop reading too much in to what people say. People use 'dear' and 'guys' in a gender neutral way all the time.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I love the thread.... I was just out yesterday doing a little shopping for makeup and the young woman (maybe a little younger then I) addressed me as "sweetie" or "dear" and was just wonderful to interact with. She complimented me on my hair style and we spoke for a few minutes before parting.

Just makes a girl feel great and accepted without any discrimination.

[shayleetv]

I haven't been out as my fem self since my mid-twenties. I am always in male mode when eating out and female SA's call me dear and sweetie all the time. You gals are reading into this endearment to much. Go to a more expensive restaurant and you won't get called that at all I bet. One of my sons-in-law works at a very expensive restaurant in Park City, Utah and he has never heard that term of "dear" used by the SA's. By the way he made over $800 in tips Christmas Eve and was disappointed because he made $1100 the night before. You don't make that kind of money calling anyone "dear", male or female. As my son says the higher the menu the higher class the customer and they don't put up with endearment terms that you get at IHOP, Applebee's or the Olive Garden. You would be called ma'am or sir by what ever gender you were projecting.

[Mary Morgan]

I think it is just a way to connect. I am frequetly called dear by female wait staff or sales assistants. When the males start calling me dear, we'll have something to talk about.

[Kate Simmons]

Dear me, does it really matter Hon?:battingeyelashes::)

[DebsUK]

It's very common to be called "love" by sales assistants in the UK, especially in the north of England where I live. Female SAs will call all people "love", male of female so it doesn't mean much if you're en femme or en homme. Now if a male SA or similar calls you love, that means you've passed (or else he's trying to butter you up for a biger sale which, let's face it, is pretty good salesmanship LOL). I did get "love" from a bus driver once and I came over all giddy. On the opposite I had a male SA, in MArks an Spence's no less, refer to me as "mate" when I was dressed once which is rather annoying and unnecessary. I'd say anyone encountering that might have a good case for a complaint to the shop

[Starla]

Those of us in the south are probably used to hearing those terms from women regardless of how we dress. I don't know how common it is up north though.

Yeah, here in the South* it's often "sweetie," "honey," or "darlin'" -- usually "dear" comes from older ladies. ("I've never heard "sugar" or its shortened form "Sug" except on King of the Hill. Must be a Texas thing...) Not to burst anyone's bubble, but I've found these casual terms of friendliness to be gender-neutral, used to address both men and women. If you get so addressed, it doesn't reflect your passing status one way or the other, but it does seem to indicate that they are comfortable with your presentation in either case.

For that matter, a "Miss" or "Ma'am" is usually a sign of passing, though not always. A small handful of folks (especially SA's and others who have dealt with TGs) do it because they know it's the desired term of address. Others may do it simply out of politeness and caution -- if they're not sure, but you present as female, using "Ma'am" or "Miss" is probably, in their minds, the best option, "just in case." (Imagine if the person in question is actually a GG, but gets addressed as "Sir!") :eek:


*(Although, here in Central FL, the real South starts about 100 miles north of here...) ;)

[kimdl93]

I shop en drabbe, but the SAs at the few stores I shop frequently know that I'm shoping for myself. I am often called Dear or Honey by SA's as well.

[Connie D50]

If the person was older or as old it's used alot (in a good way) if the person is younger then i'm not sure how to take it

Connie

[charlie]

Hello Leslie!
I have to agree, Mam, honey and dear are all used. maybe all women are addressed this way.

[ReineD]

It's hard to say. I've seen people use the term when they're being patronizing. Others use it out of friendliness. Maybe it depends on the part of the country you're in, and the age of the person calling you "dear". I like what TxKim said about some people using it because they don't know whether to call you "sir" or "ma'am".

Personally, I dislike being called "dear" or "dearie". It reminds me of a way of speaking that went out with fedora hats and 50's style dresses, but that's just me. I don't know any women of my generation or younger who use the term, not where I live.