I feel I started moving backwards

[Inna]

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this in their transition. For nearly all of my conscious life I knew I wasn't the one in the mirror but just as with majority if not all, we hide in the closet shoving this potentially devastating revelation in the deepest corner. Two years ago I finally could not take this any longer and decided to come to terms and start the process of coming out. Now well into HRT and seeing therapist and being well accepted by my sister, mom, and several other friends I am starting to obsess about my face and lack of feminine features which I thought by now would definitely start to show. I mean for all this life, in painful secrecy I never once realistically thought I will be able to be THE Girl I was and now with the permission of my sis, mom and therapist I find that this Permission at once almost feels like a burden. I look in the mirror and expect as though this permission automatically makes me into a woman, Ha, lol, and I do understand that such is only freeing my spirit, nevertheless I am so wanting this change to arrive, now more then ever. Almost as though the cure in therapy is more damaging then being in pain in the closet. Man, it is hard to be a woman!

[Sharon]

If your mind and heart tell you that you are a woman, then you ARE a woman, no matter what your appearance is or how other people treat you.

This isn't anything I have done, but you may want to consider a professional make-over, and carefully watch to see what the make-up person uses and does to emphasize and deemphasize different physical characteristics that you have. And, perhaps, like many of us, you are also unnecessarily over-critical and negative about your appearance.

I don't find it hard to be a woman, but it was certainly a bitch trying to be a man for all too many years.:)

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Alexia, it can be hard to stay focussed all of the time, and this is when the doubts creep in. I also think that we are often our own worst critics partly because we can't take a step back and look at the changes over a period of time.

You may not see the changes in your appearance because you are comparing this morning with last night whereas a friend or relation can compare this morning with last month or three months ago or whatever.


If your mind and heart tell you that you are a woman, then you ARE a woman, no matter what your appearance is or how other people treat you.

I agree with this, just hold fast to what you know in your innermost being


I don't find it hard to be a woman, but it was certainly a bitch trying to be a man for all too many years.:)

I only partially agree with this. Transition can seem a hard road to tread and if we lose sight of the goal, even for a few seconds it is easy to become disheartened; but if you look back on how far you have come it may give you the courage to take the next few paces.

You are on the right road and you are making positive progress, please hold fast to that thought and don't let demon despair have his way.

[Kathryn Martin]

Once I made the decision to transition, I, like you, experienced these feelings. After looking at myself for all these years and feeling that I would never be how I saw myself inside, I learned to look feminine. And almost immediately I had all of the body issues that we women have, except that mine are related to the ravages that testosterone has done to me for all those years. And all the promises of less and softer hair, rounder face, softer and better skin etc. I expect to be fulfilled. Like you I thought once I was kissed I would turn into a beautiful princess:o.

It takes time, so much time, but every day I see a little bit of the promise fulfilled. Maybe they just lied when they said it would go plink and voila beautiful:straightface:, and maybe we are more like the ugly duckling that grew into a swan:daydreaming:

Take heart and be patient it will arrive, and you must be sure to recognize it, and not let it pass because you are looking for something else. We can see it already:hugs:

[PortiaHoney]

I'm sorry Alexia. You said you started the process of coming out 2 years ago but you have not stated how long you have been on "treatment"?

I have found, and been told, that the process after you start "T blocking" and hormones can take years to come to full effect. My endocrynologist told me that 6 months of treatment would not see my body change much more. As the process is gradual, it takes comparisons with the "old" you to make any changes more noticeable.

You get to examine yourself every day and, because of that, the changes seem imperceptibly small. It's worse than watching your lawn grow.... However, my friend took some very non flattering photo's of me when I started full time and some not that long ago. Now, as horrible as I think those photo's are (this is the person they have to look at LOL) I can see the woman I really am now in the photo. She isn't who I expected her to be. But when I look in the mirror, I still see the "old" me, just with slightly different features. It's not about how we see ourselves, but how the world see's us.

Be patient. And don't be so hard on yourself.

Huggs
Portia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Alexia..

We have so many hangups that we slowly let go of during transition..some the same, some different..but you are not moving backwards...pls don't ever let yourself think that..
one important fact that gets blurred is that transition is bumpy...there is no flip switch...lots of ups and downs..LOTS of destruction, and then a long rebuilding process

altho there clearly is a physical process that we go through, and the progress is often measured in cup size and facial feature, the true progress is made in allowing yourself the freedom to express yourself as a human being in the world...
this is cold comfort sometimes when people lose families, jobs, or feel they never "pass"...

Wanting to be beautiful on the outside is a pretty common thought...when you don't feel you look that way, it sucks, and now that you really are a woman, you have to deal with it..when you were living a guy life, you threw on a sweatshirt, forgot to shave, said f'it and acted like you didnt care.......of course, the price you paid was to feel depressed, trapped and lonely and worse..ugh..... now that you are "allowed" to be yourself...you are just dealing with all the problems that "you" really have...it's actually quite exciting and although you may not see it now, what you are going through is anything but going backwards..

I like the way Rhianna said it..
"Transition can seem a hard road to tread and if we lose sight of the goal, even for a few seconds it is easy to become disheartened; but if you look back on how far you have come it may give you the courage to take the next few paces."

[Hope]

Therapy isn't fun, and it isn't supposed to be, and often the immediate pain of dealing with our garbage IS far greater than the pain involved in just living with our issues. But that is short term. On the other side of therapy is the freedom from the constant nagging pain and insecurity, and the joy of honest life. It IS painful, but it is also worth it. It just has to be worth it enough for you to be willing to do the work, to be willing to overcome the fear of the unknown, the fear of the pain of change and growth instead of settling for the known pain of the status quo.

Keep with it. You DO get to work at your own pace.

[Traci Elizabeth]

It's not about how we see ourselves, but how the world see's us.

I think this is totally wrong and ass-backwards.

It "is" very important how we see ourselves because that is how the rest of the world will see us.

If you think you are ugly and not feminine, then the world will see you that way too because one can not hide your self-esteem or lack of it from others.

I think one needs to get to the point mentally that they can stand in from of the mirror and say, "I like what I see - I like ME!" It is then that the world will see it too.

Some of the world's most glamorous, sexiest, or popular women are physically not superior or even average BUT they have dynamite personalities and high self-esteem either of which are far more valuable than any physical attribute.

My point - our beauty, our femininity, or womanhood rest from within NOT from the outside!

There is NO ONE on here who can not be a woman's woman with the proper mind-set. FFS, BA, & even SRS all attempt to change the physical body which in the big scheme of things is really not that important. What's in your head and heart is what makes a woman - period!

[Melody Moore]

You get to examine yourself every day and, because of that, the changes seem imperceptibly small. It's worse than watching your lawn grow....

Be patient. And don't be so hard on yourself.



It "is" very important how we see ourselves because that is how the rest of the world will see us.

If you think you are ugly and not feminine, then the world will see you that way too because one can not hide your self-esteem or lack of it from others.

Alexia, I've seen your photos and have to wonder 'What in the hell are you talking about?'

I agree with the above comments as well, in that you keep looking in the mirror everyday at yourself, so the changes are noticeably small.
I've only got to look at what I was to what I am now to see that the changes are massive, it was this way for me as soon as I started to
live as a female. If I went back to living as a male I know that I would be right back to where I started from, I would become reclusive and
depressed and not be the outgoing & beautiful woman that I have become. Other people say tell me as well, so this gives me affirmation
which if I didn't have that, I don't think I would cope so well. But I can feel the differences already by how others accept me now and that is
just after 4 months of being on hormones. Haven't I told you before that 'We are our own worst critics'? And I really can't wait to be as far
down the road as you. Give yourself a break Alexia and just be who you are and keep living your life to the fullest.


Hugs Melody :hugs:

[Stephanie Anne]

I have to agree with Melody here in a sense. You are being far too hard on yourself for your appearance.

That being said, I totally understand about being cruel to one's self over perceived outward beauty or lack there of. I really hope you can reach a comfortable middle ground without having to resort to altering your appearance.

I guess we do it in stages, break down the mental, then the physical, and finally accept the actual.

[Melody Moore]

Can I ask 'Why? you are even revisiting this same place (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141012-Most-beautiful-trans-girls) you've been before Alexia?'

What I mean is, didn't anything we ever say to you before (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141012-Most-beautiful-trans-girls) really make any difference?

I think when you start to feel the way that you so you should revisit some of your past
topics and just read what others have said so many times before. When you start to feel
sad or frown then that is the 'look' that will always show on your face. Remember what we
have said to you before in the past about how great you look, then go and take another look
in the mirror once again. Hopefully you will see yourself smiling back and in a much better light.

Hugs Melody :hugs:

[7sisters]

Someone said,...things work out in the end... it just takes nerves of steel to watch it all fall into place. all the best.

[TommyII]

Alexia you are beautiful. Don't fall for the swimsuit issue trap. You have an inner strength that you have shared with us. You are intelligent and an accomplished writer. We all have our cycles. Chalk it up to PMS, put on an ugly robe and your bunny slippers. Combine this with a cup of tea or hot chocolate and your favorite movie on the DVD player. (I usually add my favorite earings). Be comfortable physically and happy with your self. Peace and beauty come from inside. You have it, I have seen it.

My own worst critic.

[Inna]

I suppose the feeling of regress is only an aftershock of moving forward. I realize that my search for femininity is now straight forward and unobscured. When before I would apply makeup with all the help from tools and gimmicks now I just stare at the mirror as I am and seek the signs. I must confess I do see them on the better days, then again, some days are better then others. I know I have traveled a massive distance and I am so glad of it but when I glimpse onto the road ahead I do get overwhelmed and shocked as to the work which awaits. Nevertheless I proceed forward with all your love and support. I can not imagine to travel this road without your support and support from loved ones, I can only hope everyone receives as much love as I do along the way. I also want to let you know that this is probably not the last depressive rant you will hear from me so, don't be surprised when it happens. Love you girls with all my heart, thanks!

[Annaliese]

I look at Alexia's wedsite I did not see a man I only saw a woman and I nice looking woman at that.

Hugs

[Karen564]

I suppose the feeling of regress is only an aftershock of moving forward. I realize that my search for femininity is now straight forward and unobscured. When before I would apply makeup with all the help from tools and gimmicks now I just stare at the mirror as I am and seek the signs. I must confess I do see them on the better days, then again, some days are better then others. I know I have traveled a massive distance and I am so glad of it but when I glimpse onto the road ahead I do get overwhelmed and shocked as to the work which awaits. Nevertheless I proceed forward with all your love and support. I can not imagine to travel this road without your support and support from loved ones, I can only hope everyone receives as much love as I do along the way. I also want to let you know that this is probably not the last depressive rant you will hear from me so, don't be surprised when it happens. Love you girls with all my heart, thanks!

I know exactly how you feel.....your 1st post could of very well been written by myself too....even though I've been at this much longer than you, I can't seem to get over my self esteem issues..to put it simply, I feel like such an ugly old duck, I just cant help it, granted, that I do have my good days every now & then, but wish I had much more of those than the bad days...My problem is wishing I was as pretty on the outside as I feel on the inside..
Just saying, your not alone...:hugs:

[Melissa A.]

No, you are not alone. Karen's thoughts mirror mine, in many ways. I'm 51, on HRT for over two years, and I know that in 10 years or so, I will begin to reach that point, where men and women tend to morph into something so similarly indistinguishable from eachother, that I will have finally reached that point of complete passability. Until then, I deal with the fact that barring an unexpected infusion of loads of cash, and then a willingness to risk having my face cut open, that I will look how I now do. Ok sometimes, even fairly cute at times. But very rarely, if ever, accepted as female by the world outside of those who know and love me. Almost always, always identified as trans, or a male attempting to appear female, everywhere I interact with the world. And aside from one thing-the difficulty that creates in finding a long term partner-I really am completely ok with that. My belief in myself and who I am is fierce. The peace transition has wrought would be nothing short of a miracle, if I believed in such things. I have said this before, but being real about what transition can do for you physically is important, even if you are under 30, and can expect more and better results than codgers like myself. I realize that this thought is repeated here to the point of nausea, but if you remain occupied with appearance, and by that I mean never satisfied(because yeah, I have some occupation with it-I know how to makeover, I have learned style and fashion, etc., and there ain't a thing wrong with that), you are setting up your own permanent obstacle to contentment and peace. And I am going to assume that is the goal to begin with, for you and the rest of us. Transition takes time. it has limitations. And from a physical standpoint, it's a small fraction of who you are. Work on it, improve what you can, try to accept what you can't, and try to be glad you took the step you did, considering the alternative most of us faced. Being proud of yourself for that is essential.

Hugs,

Melissa:)