Living abroad during transition

[Kokoro]

Hello all, I need a bit of advice.
As I'm now moving forward towards transition I'm having to start planning a few things a year or two in advance.

I'm off to University next September and by the time I start I plan to be living as a girl full time, including taking hormones, at the latest as I hope to do both sooner. Anyway, the course I'm taking requires a year abroad in a foreign country and during my trip I will most probably be staying with a host family. Obviously this could lead to a lot of awkwardness in terms of, for example if they have young children, catering to bathroom arrangements and most of all passing. I know some people may say they have volunteered to take (money from!) people and that they just have to accept me and my University may seek out a suitable family that is understanding of transsexual individuals, but if not, I do not wish to impose and give away any hints I am transsexual. After all, it's their home and if they don't want 'my kind' in their home then I have to respect that.

The dilemma I have therefore is this:
I have a choice of two Universities. Academically there is not much between them though I prefer University A over B due to location, accommodation and price. However, University A has the year abroad during the 2nd year whereas Uni B has it during the 3rd year. I'd be heading out at the end of August/beginning of September of the years, whichever I choose.

After around a year of hormones and living as a girl, would I have the necessary mannerisms, voice, appearance etc. to be able to pass reasonably well or would it be best to hold out for another year? I understand each persons experience is different but I'm just looking for generalizations and peoples own experiences of being on hormones and/or living full time for a similar amount of time. Bear in mind that in the country I will be going to as a white westerner I will stick out like a sore thumb for that reason alone so this is why my pass ability is rather important.

Thankies.

[AllieSF]

Kokoro, I see that you are in, or from, the UK, and from your thread that you would do your year abroad about 2 or 3 years from now. What countries would you probably go to for your year abroad and will your home university country be in the UK? Why not start your transition now, if you are ready and can do that? That way, by the time you need to do the year abroad you can then live full time as a woman (MtF right?), regardless of where you are in your physical transition. That way the hosting family will know who you are and where you are in your transition, and you will not be going from one mode to another and back again while you are with them. Another plus is that when you eventually return home again, you will be another year along in your transition and better able to physically and maybe emotionally present yourself as you were meant to be. I wish you the best of luck.

[Kokoro]

The country would be Japan and my 'home' University will be in the UK. I'm unable to start my transition now as I am on a waiting list to be seen by a Gender Identity Clinic which could be anytime up to 5 months for my initial appointment. The clinic prescribes treatments in all their forms (hormones, therapy, transitioning advice etc.) and I'm guessing they'll want to see me for some assessments first before they give me the go-ahead to transition. Right now I'm coming up to exams in January with more to follow in June (which I need to do well in to enter University) and I'm not out at all at my college and neither am I to my parents who I presently live with.

That is the key question though - have the host family informed about my transsexuality beforehand, or go stealth and live as a girl without my host family being none the wiser? I'd prefer the latter as that is what I'd be aiming for ultimately from my transition. I don't want to be seen as a transsexual but as a girl.

[sandra-leigh]

I really don't know, as I haven't been in that situation or even close, but by looking around at the people I know personally who have transitioned, my observation is that if you have other things to occupy your time (school, job), that a year is not enough time to get the mannerisms and voice and look down sufficiently well to pass unnoticed. Getting the mannerisms and voice would require concentrated study of those aspects, probably with voice lessons and practice: if you are in school and need to deal with assignments and mid-terms, are you going to have the time to give that kind of concentration on multiple aspects?

If you are starting from "male", a year probably isn't even enough time to grow your hair out enough to really shape into a female cut.

Sorry, I know this is not what you were hoping to hear, but I remember first year university, living away from home for the first time, and I know there wasn't enough time left over there for a crash-course in passing.


Your username is Japanese, as is your avatar, and you mention that you would be going to a country where you will stick out as being a white westerner alone. If you are referring to Japan or Korea, then please take in to account the culture of public bathing: unless perhaps you lock yourself into Tokyo alone and plead poverty, you would be pretty much expected at some point to go in to a gender-divided bathing area where nudity is expected. I don't know any graceful way of handling that if you've had enough hormones to have noticeable female breasts but you still have your lower parts: you either implicitly reveal yourself by going to the men's side, or explicitly reveal yourself on the female side...

I suspect that the next time I get to Japan, that I will have a bust; my plan at the moment is to go on the men's side -- but I'm androgynous, not TS.

[Stephenie S]

My advice?

Come out now. You CAN'T hide a transition. You can't hide from your school, you can't hide from your parents, you can't hide from your host family. You just can't. It's all very scary and hard to think about, but transition is one of those things you just have to DO. Transition is an ACTION. You have to DO it. And the sooner you start, the better the outcome will be. Really! Repeat those words. The sooner you start the better.

Now the GOOD part is that university is the absolute BEST time to transition. No other time in your life will you be in a more accepting environment. Honest. Once you graduate, start a life, get married, have kids, a good job, all those accoutrements of "normal" life, transitioning will be all but impossible. DO IT NOW. Or regret it for years.

And the clinic? You need "permission" to transition? Come on girl. Put on your big girl panties. Just do it. Presenting the clinic with a done deal will be FAR more effective than all the shrinks in Jolly Old England.

S

[Karen564]

:yt:

[CharleneT]

:yt: . :yt:

I would add that it is great to plan that far in advance, really, but in terms of "how well will I {_____}", there is no way to know. One thing is for certain, practice makes perfect when it comes to living full time. Do some research about the manner of living in Japan, from what I know being TS there will work out. While you may be able to go stealthy with the host family, it will be easier to have their support. I have some very trans friendly friends who taught in Japan for 5 years, I will ask them about the nudity thing.

[Aprilrain]

Without knowing what you look like it would be impossible to say weather you would pass now or ever (without surgery). As far as mannerisms and voice are concerned you just need practice. Maybe get a voice coach if your really concerned. Living full time isn't going to teach you how to have a female voice. I know TS ladys who are post op who still sound like men. They seem to not care, their choice. Obviously hormones will have a visible affect on you and I assume you are in your 20s so they will probably work faster and more effectively than if you were older but everybodys different.

[CatAttack]

I'm not exactly sure about this as I live in the US.. but doesn't the UK require like an entire year of RLE [real life experience] aka full time for a year before they will prescribe you hormones?

Also from what I know about Japan, they are pretty accepting towards the transgendered.

[Deborah_UK]

I'm not exactly sure about this as I live in the US.. but doesn't the UK require like an entire year of RLE [real life experience] aka full time for a year before they will prescribe you hormones?



No - different GICs have different protocols - mine required me to be three months into RLE before agreeing to prescribe hormones. The NHS protocol now says that hormones should be prescribed prior to RLE

[CatAttack]

Ah ok, I apologize for my ignorance.

[Deborah_UK]

and I'm guessing they'll want to see me for some assessments first before they give me the go-ahead to transition.

This quote jumped out at me - the decision to transition is yours and yours alone. A GIC will help you towards a smooth transition but their assessment is geared towards making sure you know your own mind. I know of some TS's who didn't attend GICs until well after starting to live full time.

Just out of interest which GIC are you waiting to attend?

[Kokoro]

Perhaps they weren't the best words to use. "Give me support while transitioning" would probably be better. At the moment no-one around me knows anything about transitioning and the thought of doing it is alone with no advice at all scares me to death. It's why I've put it off for so long (approx 3 months now). I'm also living with my parents and if they react really badly, it's out the door I go. Something I don't need for my transition and and even less for my college work.

I've already starting doings things such as growing my hair out (that I've been doing for the last 9 months or so) and actually going to get it cut next week into a slightly more feminine style. I'm also going to try and start working on my voice after Christmas so I am taking some steps to change myself, but I don't want to dive into a full-blow transition without somewhere to turn. I understand about the onsen thing and my hope was to steer clear of that if I hadn't had SRS by that time which I also hope to have sooner rather than later. Oh and I'm 23 for anyone wondering about my age.

Deborah - I've been referred to the Portorbrook clinic in Sheffield.

[Rianna Humble]

There are a couple of good support charities over here that you can try. Google "Gender Trust" and "GIRES" to get in touch with them for advice.

[sandra-leigh]

I understand about the onsen thing and my hope was to steer clear of that if I hadn't had SRS by that time which I also hope to have sooner rather than later.

As I have only visited Japan (twice) and not lived there, my experiences are of dubious guideance -- but what I found is that especially when you are travelling, you can be expected to be urged to go to the onsen. You might be able to gracefully put it off until "later", but you can never be sure that someone else won't come in while you are bathing or while you are getting changed. There will probably be an onsen at the host family; as a woman, you may find yourself asked to scrub someone's back. If the host family has a daughter of below adult age, you might find it expected that you will either supervise her or keep her company.

Hmmm, yes, even without the onsen factored in, hiding TS from a daughter could be difficult.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have spent a lot of my life in Asia professionally and have spent a lot of time in Japan. If it were me, I would let everyone know up front. Like most Asians, the Japanese are very a "honorable" people. And your "stealth" will not serve you well and discredit & dishonor you in ways you can not imagine the the eyes of the Japanese family including your deception bringing great "shame" onto the host family even if they had no idea about your gender status.

My advice, is not to start your new gender life off with lies and deception especially not on a society that takes "honor" to the highest level. Think this out wisely. If it were me, I would be totally open and honest in this case. There is a word used throughout Asia called "Malu" which can not be accurately defined or translated into an equivalent meaning in English but it is of such great shame and dishonor that it is unforgivable at any level and destroys an entire family and all extended family members by one's actions of shame. Do not do this to your host family. Their shame will live on far past your time in Japan.

If my words are not convincing, then you should not live with a Japanese family and you ought to seek a non-Asian country for foreign studies as this will be the case in every Asian country I have been in and I can't think of one that I have missed excepting some of the far South Pacific Islands.

[Kokoro]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I will most probably go with my first choice and inform my host family prior to leaving for the year in Japan about my status. I just hope it won't be a disadvantage as no host family = no year abroad. :(

[MJ]

My advice?

Come out now. You CAN'T hide a transition. You can't hide from your school, you can't hide from your parents, you can't hide from your host family. You just can't. It's all very scary and hard to think about, but transition is one of those things you just have to DO. Transition is an ACTION. You have to DO it. And the sooner you start, the better the outcome will be. Really! Repeat those words. The sooner you start the better.

Now the GOOD part is that university is the absolute BEST time to transition. No other time in your life will you be in a more accepting environment. Honest. Once you graduate, start a life, get married, have kids, a good job, all those accoutrements of "normal" life, transitioning will be all but impossible. DO IT NOW. Or regret it for years.

And the clinic? You need "permission" to transition? Come on girl. Put on your big girl panties. Just do it. Presenting the clinic with a done deal will be FAR more effective than all the shrinks in Jolly Old England.

S

this is the best advice

the problem is you got to start somewhere. and for a while it will take hormones time to work there magic . just be the real you and you will find that people will accept you

be honest up front with your host family and your own family.. you will find in time your transition will be much better less stress

good luck

[Lion]

I'm making broad generalizations here, but from what I have experienced and heard from others of Japanese (and Asian cultures blanket) attitudes gender-related topics are not taboo. Transsexualism over there is kind of "oh, ok" rather than something that would make many people nervous. Just tell them your situation, you'll do fine.