Ups and downs

[Aprilrain]

Just when I thought I was pulling into the station for a break. The roller coaster blew right through the station and Im off again.

I'd had really amazing moments this last week with discloser as I have previously posted and they remain highlights of my road trip. But today I seemed to have derailed emotionally. After several hours of feeling sorry for myself and cursing God for making me this way in near tears of course. I finally calmed down and realized that several things conspired to land me in this funk.
First off I drove from near the coast in southern Oregon to well into Wyoming in one stretch which is like 700 miles then I slept in the back seat of my truck. So I was tired. Then my wife called before I had coffee. Just an all around bad combination. Then my sister who I told at thanksgiving texts me saying she doesn't think I should tell our other sister which was where I was going next. By the time I got to where I was going I was back to suicidal thinking. It never goes beyond thinking but still not a good place to be.
After sleeping, emailing my therapist and some friends and eating (oh yeah eating) I feel better the ride is at least back on the tracks for the next set of hills and valleys.

[juligirl1984]

I curse god too for making me like this... I do not get why he would do this and say its wrong in the bible... it doesn't help just makes you tear up like you just said... sorry I hope you feel better!!!!! please drive safe! coast of oregon to wyoming is a pretty core drive... you must of done a lot of thinking in that time. you'll be ok.

[Marissa]

Taking into account that you driving across a few states alone.. with not much on but sad country songs :) your tired.. and you said one thing right.. you are feeling sorry for yourself.. yes..you are.. think..what was it just a week ago that made you so happy???? why not reflect on those thoughts as you are on the road..that got you to Oregon to begin with..so let the memories get you to your next destination. Curse God all you want..in the end it will not help your situation, because you forgot..He gave you a will to make your own decisions..to give up or to fight your way throught the obstacles.

Now as far as your other sister that you want to share..how about asking the sister who knows 'why not tell her?' Maybe she has a better insight.. Now I can't say much about your conversation with your wife since you gave no details on that..and I"m sorry for not fully remembering your venture across..but if your wife is acceptable and one sister is too..wow..you are blessed, compared to some.. and they are not cussing God.

Feeling sorry for yourself..maybe.. get some rest.. and look again at what you have.. k? then let us know how you feel.. :)

[Aprilrain]

Right before I wrote this post I text my sister and asked her why she felt the way she did about our other sister. I haven't gotten a reply yet but I get the feeling she is afraid. That to me seems funny. I've spent most of my life being afraid of the gender thing and Ive finally reach a point where I'm willing to face those fears and here is my sister afraid for me all over again. I feel like saying to her "honey I've been there done that there is no need for you to tread that path too". I actually can't even think why she is worried about it. I don't think either of my sisters would out right reject me but you never know.
Anyway I've never been shy about cursing God but there I am praying again each night. Besides being trans is hard and more than that it's just weird but there are certainly worse things. In many ways I relish the journey I just sometimes get overwhelmed. I'm feeling much better now.
I'm discovering that I need to write it's very cathartic for me more so even than tears

[Aprilrain]

Oh yeah I almost forgot, don't even get me started on my wife!
I know the general consensus seems to be that if a cd/ts has a wife that will put up with them they should worship the ground she walks but I have know this woman since she was a girl and there is too much history there for that.
The details of our conversations are unimportant what matters is that they always seem to end in she said she said BS. The fact is we are both overly sensitive.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi April, I think you have explained quite well what landed you in the funk. Hopefully you will get a reply from your sister and see your way clear out of these feelings. Don't be afraid to cry - it is one of the ways that we humans cope with stressful situations and can actually be a healthy way of dealing with your feelings.

Even if your sister has good reasons for suggesting that you don't tell your other sister just yet, the decision will still be yours to make and my thoughts will be with you as you make it.

I noticed that you said part of the reason why you were down was a long drive with not much sleep and that you have started to remedy that part, but you didn't mention one of my favourite coping mechanisms - retail therapy. Perhaps if you can spare the time to visit a few good outlets you might feel better about yourself even if you don't find much you want to buy.

I know it can be hard to avoid suicidal thoughts, but I promise you there is not much future in following through on them :heehee:

When you're feeling down, please remember that there are people here who care about you :hugs:

[arbon]

Hi Aprilain - I understand the ups and downs! yep. What a ride. Every week I seem to have at least one good teary meltdown :-) Those meltdowns usually involve relationships with family as we all struggle to come to terms with this change in my life.

I used to feel cursed by god but I think more and more I am kinda grateful for who and what I am. I get to learn so much about myself and relationships and how to get along in the world. I think it makes me stronger and a better, more compassionate person as I go along. I think that is a gift I am learning to appreciate more.

Glad you are here and I like reading your posts. :-)

[Melody Moore]

I haven't gotten a reply yet but I get the feeling she is afraid. That to me seems funny. I've spent most of my life being afraid of the gender thing and Ive finally reach a point where I'm willing to face those fears and here is my sister afraid for me all over again. I feel like saying to her "honey I've been there done that there is no need for you to tread that path too". I actually can't even think why she is worried about it. I don't think either of my sisters would out right reject me but you never know.
I think your feelings were right on the money because your other sister told her that you had something very important to tell her. People only ever
fear what they don't know or understand. I think it's important for those you are coming out to to cause any alarm for others you haven't come out to.
So as you are revealing things, you need to also emphasis the need for confidentiality because it will only cause unnecessary stress & concern for others.