Have You Ever Been Haunted By Statements You Made Early on in Your Transition?

[Traci Elizabeth]

As most of you know, I have a very supportive and loving wife. When I originally came out to her, her most important question to me was, "You are not wanting a sex change are you?"

Well the short version is that I had told her, "Oh no, I would never do that."

I did not realize at the time that those words would be engraved in stone and become permemately branded into my wife's brain and would "haunt" me.

Everytime I bring up SRS before I can take a breath, my wife expounds "YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT! THIS IS NOT WHAT WE AGREED TOO. I HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF ALL YOUR CHANGES BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR PROMISE TO ME!"

I surely do not remember me making that stong of a committment plus as we transition we grow and change. Gee my brain cells are not even wired like it was back then and having an oversized "clit" is not so exciting.

Word to the wise, don't cut your nose off to spite your face or in more common terms, don't lock yourself in a box or put yoursedlf in a corner by speaking too quickly!

[Lion]

Sigh, yes. I'm "fresh" to this and still living with my family. A few months ago I came out to my mother and indicated that I didn't want hormones or surgery- by that I meant I didn't actively constantly DESIRE hormones or surgery, but she took it to mean I was firmly against it. Now whenever I bring up the topic she gets this horrified look on her face and says "you didn't want that before!" as if I've drastically changed or something has tainted my mind.

The same thing happens with the self-respect I have for my body; I can't say one good thing about my physique or birthsex-given parts without someone who hears me replying with "so does this mean you don't want a sex change any more??"
No, it means I can appreciate what I've got...jeez...

[Melody Moore]

I have never gone as far as saying I would never undergo gender reassignment surgery, in fact I made a point about telling people I intend on going all the way. However I did tell a couple of people that I was primarily attracted to women and I was only 'open' to the idea of a relationship with a guy. However as time ticks away I am starting to notice that I don't find women so sexually appealing now & would rather just being good friends. I still look at other women from time to time but only with some envy about wanting my own body to look as good as theirs.

When I was in hospital recently I met a very lovely handsome looking guy who also has a beautiful personality & is extremely positive despite having his leg shattered in a really bad motorcycle accident. His leg was almost destroyed after an American tourist did a stupid thing by driving on the wrong side of the road. He smashed into my friend on his Harley sandwiching him & his bike between the car being driven by the American & the guard-rail.

We become very good friends while I was in hospital, so I visited him a few times while he was still in hospital & after I had been released. So I took him out one day last week for a couple of hours a couple days after on the day that he was being discharged for a couple of drinks. He lives out of town, but he gave me his phone number & he wants to catch up with me again real soon. Now this guy I met through all his pain & suffering has demonstrated that there are a few good single men out there who are truly non-judgemental & accepting of me for who I am. So this is someone that I do think that I could really fall in love with because of the lovely person he truly is.

I am glad I didn't put myself in a box or some of my friends might be disappointed in me later because I changed my sexual orientations completely.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Traci...my heart goes out to you guys...you are going through what LOTS of us do...initial acceptance, then real life tests over and over...i hope you guys can figure this out..its not anybody's fault...it just is...

yes...i made promises...but they didnt change my wife's mind.....and so when they were broken it didnt matter anymore

it is one the verymost important pieces of advice that my "mentors" gave me ....don't make a promise you can't keep...the problem is usually that you don't know you can't keep it at the time...and in marragies it's 100x more important because of all the unsaid things, and unspoken communication that happens between a husband and wife... you may have never specifically said it, but the bottom line is i bet your wife is 100% certain you did...i'm sorry about that....

[Katesback]

I can say that one of the things that many TS girls (including me till I figured it all out) do is tell lots of people all about thier Trans stuff. Then end result is they label themselves as trans girls. The real trick is to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT and just be a woman if that is what you are.

[PortiaHoney]

The problem is we are not sure early on what it is we really want. In order to make our significant others feel better while we explore what it is we want, we do make promises - not because we know we can keep them, but to make our partners feel better while we work out what it is we actually want. We work on the theory that we may not "go all the way" so, in order to keep the peace and not destroy what we have unnecessarily, we Promise we won't.

Is it fair? To us it is. It is a way to keep our options open. If we do decide we want to go further than we promised, the promise can always be broken. Like the one to love, honour and cherish. What about in sickness and in health? We change. Everybody changes. She will also change over the years. If we are lucky, we grow together. Look at the divorce rate. Does that make everyone who gets married a potential liar? Should couples stay together just because they made a promise they would?

Yes. When we make those promises, what we are really saying that we hope that is the way it will be. But, what price is to be paid for suffering under those promises? Who is going to benefit? No one. Should you keep a promise that makes you miserable, resentful or worse just because you made it?

The reality is, people make promises every day. A promise shows a desire for a particular action or outcome. A promise is a promise. An agreement. An undertaking. If the circumstances change, why shouldn't the promise be amended or even broken? It's not that we wanted to break a promise at the outset. But sometimes promises NEED to be broken. That is just one of lifes lessons that we need to learn and accept. Either that, or just don't make them.

[Kathryn Martin]

I made the same mistake. Thankfully Elizabeth pointed out to me at the time, that she did not quite believe what I was saying and suggested we take things one day at a a time. It does not mean that she does not fear the transformation it would mean for me. I have felt this need increasingly unmask itself for me. It does ultimately change the water on the beans, for both, and much has to be re-learned. And change is frightful.

[Aprilrain]

Initialy SRS scared the shit out of me for lots of reasons, still does but my reasons have changed, so when she asked I said I didn't think I would ever do that. I guess she didn't believe me because I over heard her talking to one of her friends, when she was overwrought, saying "he's talking about having a Sex change!"
SHE if you don't mind thank you! SHE is talking about having a sex change. Get it right!

[Jorja]

Oh my, I seem to be haunted every day or two buy something I said in the past. I think that is a way for others to have a trump card they can hold over you. Now when I respond to questions I start my answer like this, "Remember, this is subject to change depending on new facts comming to light" or maybe, "not at this time". I have found over the years that if I plan to do something, make a major change or the like, I sit and try to answer all the questions about my decisions before I ever present them.

Oh, give them time Aprilrain. You only just told them, they have known you for years as He.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Most of you have made very valid points. I think the most relative one to my situation is the one Kaitlyn made that "....don't make a promise you can't keep...the problem is usually that you don't know you can't keep it at the time.."

In the early stages of transition, I am not sure many of us know where we are going or how far we will travel and what seemed like "not such a big deal back then (my thinking oh yea I really don't need the SRS)" can turn out to be dead wrong as we travel our chosen path.

Will I ultimately have SRS? Even today I can not say definitively "yes or no" but I do know that the desire grows deeper and deeper from within me as my journey progresses. I also know that I often wish I could just wake-up and be post-SRS plus a couple of years (meaning all healed, past any SRS issues, and have a perfectly functioning vagina AND still be happily married to my accepting wife). Yep! I know that is the stuff dreams are made of!

[CharleneT]

Sadly, been there, done that -- too too much . . .

There is a tipping point, where you realize that you can go down this strange little road. I believe most of us want that but cannot imagine that it could happen to us. Before you get to the tipping point you'll say things that seem to be true, that you believe are true - but prove to be false later.

I spent so long hiding that I never thought there would come a day when I could just be me. Literally had given up on that years ago. So, yup, I - many times - said "...I would never go thru a full transition ...." in answer to a question from a close friend or my ex wife. I remember clearly the day I said that to a friend of mine here, we were in a Japanese restaurant in Cedar Rapids Iowa eating before going to see a movie. She is post-op, and has been my mentor thru all this. Patience is fortunately a virtue with her and as I ended up doing exactly what I said I would not ... she just continued to be supportive and helpful. Her answer: "... we'll see ....".

At a certain point, prior to living even partially full time I told her that I could never do "that" even. She smiled and said, "dear you have no business walking around pretending to be a man right now, let alone after you start HRT .... all you have to do is let go of the fear and it will happen for you easily" Truer words could hardly have been spoken ! Not sure I'd say easy, but she was right about just jumping off the cliff. BUT I could not see it then. Of course we end up saying things that we later have to "eat", the suppression of these feelings/beliefs causes that. Hopefully, some day people will not have to hide so much.

[Karen564]

Oh boy, I feel a rant coming.....:devil:

I'm sorry, but I am finding it very hard to believe that any person that has had GID most of their life has not given serious thought & desire to have GRS for many many years whether their in a relationship or not..
I also believe we tend to blatantly lie to whomever when confronted with such a direct question which is usually asked shortly after coming out to our partners because we are desperately seeking acceptance by them & know if we told the truth right then & there, our support would very likely go right out the window..

I've posted my times in the loved ones section warning wives & girlfriends to take what their transitioning husband or boyfriend say's with a grain of salt when their on hormones & say they have no desire to have a sex change...I call it as I see it & warn them of the big lie...The thing is, if they've gone as far as taking hormones & want to live as woman, then they also know they want to go the whole way after all the preliminary stuff is out of the way...GRS is the cherry on the top & every TS here should of known that long before they ever came out of the closet..

Hormone therapy doesn't all of a sudden make you desire SRS, that seed has always been there...so please don't blame HRT for this...that's total BS.

I'll never judge anyone that does lie to their partner because I'm far from perfect too & blatantly lied to my ex wife before we were even married after she asked me point blank
if I had female tendencies when she noticed I shaved my legs ..I said no way, of course not honey...I only shaved them because the hairs make me itchy...LOL
So yes, I lied to her & lied to myself, because I had thought about having a sex change long before we ever even met.....And lied because I so desperately wanted to have a relationship & get married because I thought it would fix me & take away all those crazy ideas of feeling like a woman in a mans body..

The lies from long ago almost proved fatal in my case..
When our marriage fell apart after 20 years & she asked for a divorce (which had nothing to do with me having GID, because I kept all that to myself) I knew right then & there what I was going to have to do (transition), but felt so depressed even thinking about it at that point because of my older age (44) & letting my body go, that I began writing my goodbye letter to my daughters & mom (but still left out big secret of having GID, That I was going to take to my grave) & had acquired enough prescription sedatives to kill an elephant 10X over.....After, I was rereading my letter I had a total breakdown because of the thought of what my death would do to my girls & my mom...it would kill my mom & would leave my girls with a sense of loss for the rest of their lives....That was when I called 911 & then got professional psychiatric help & then referred to a specialist for the GID.
The rest is history & was on hormone therapy before I knew it.....which helped so much..

So anyway, Tracie, I'm feeling for ya girl, but if I was you, wait until you've been on hormones longer & not get too hung up only thinking about about srs .. as much as you think that it will be the final step in the transition, you'll soon realize it's far from over...and as much as there is to be gained, it can also have as much of a loss in order to get there...but of course I'm not gonna tell you what to do, your a big(petite) girl now that can make her own bed..
:hugs:

[Traci Elizabeth]

I can always trust that Karen is going to call a "Spade-A-Spade." There is more truth in her words than not for me. I guess if this were confession, I would have to admit that my desire to be a "complete" woman has been a very long time in the making for decades. But at that moment, as Karen stated, I wanted my wife's acceptance so badly I softened my desires with her hoping to hold on to a beautiful marriage.

[Karen564]

I can always trust that Karen is going to call a "Spade-A-Spade." There is more truth in her words than not for me. I guess if this were confession, I would have to admit that my desire to be a "complete" woman has been a very long time in the making for decades. But at that moment, as Karen stated, I wanted my wife's acceptance so badly I softened my desires with her hoping to hold on to a beautiful marriage.

Your very sweet Tracie & believe you never dreamed you'd find yourself in this position, I don't think any of us did with our prior relationships..:hugs::love:

I think it's only natural for us to avoid the truth at times, it really can't be helped, after all, we are only human & been running away/avoiding this condition for as long as we can remember...And, we are sensitive to others feelings too, since we know that telling the truth can hurt the ones we love & we take no pleasure doing so..
Unfortunately, when the truth Does come out & they are hurt & angry, just as we predicted they would feel (which is exactly why we didn't tell them in the 1st place), & since they are so upset that we hid the truth & can't understand why we would hide such a thing from them, they usually don't want to hear that we did it for them & to protect the relationship from falling apart..even though that is the truth at the time..
I've been called a coward for not being upfront about my lifelong condition by my Ex wife, Sister & brother...& as much as it hurted to hear that, no matter what my reasons were to keep my secret from them, I cant help but think they were right...but like I said, we're only human...even me....I think...LOL

:hugs:

[jackielou]

hello melody congrats for finding an understanding friend ?? were you enfeme or male garb i am sure you talked indepth with this man and i am sure he was glad to find a truely understand person who cares for him best of luck to you both

[CharleneT]

Oh boy, I feel a rant coming.....:devil:

I'm sorry, but I am finding it very hard to believe that any person that has had GID most of their life has not given serious thought & desire to have GRS for many many years whether their in a relationship or not..


Actually, for most of my life I thought that GRS results were bad - barely a life. I did my first research about 40 years ago and I didn't find anything positive. So I did put it out of my head. I did not even consider it again till in my late 30's. Seriously? Not till late 40's. A lot goes into why, but truly I did not see myself as having that option.


. . .
Hormone therapy doesn't all of a sudden make you desire SRS, that seed has always been there...so please don't blame HRT for this...that's total BS.


I do not. In fact, oddly, HRT makes life as a non-op TS seem quite possible and just fine. When I started I was in a major hurry and thought only about SRS as an end point. I now see it as part of transition. That is due to watching the experiences of others. The calm that I have from living full time actually eases my desire for SRS. HRT definitely helps in that calmness.

As for being a coward, I've been quite accurately called that too.

[donnalee]

In life there is only one constant - THINGS CHANGE! Anyone who has achjeved adulthood has to know this on some level. As someone who tries to avoid promises they are unable to guarantee, I hedge them as much as I can and won't offer them under most circumstances as I know I can't control all the factors involved. At the same time, anyone who extracts or accepts a promise, particularly under such highly emotional circumstances, MUST know that it is subject to change, even while they indulge in wishfully thinking that it won't be.
Let things quiet down and don't let something be said that can't be taken back; hopefully your wife will understand the circumstances once given some breathing room.

[Melody Moore]

hello melody congrats for finding an understanding friend ?? were you enfeme or male garb i am sure you talked indepth with this man and i am sure he was glad to find a truely understand person who cares for him best of luck to you both
Thank you.... I haven't been in male mode now for about 6 months, so this guy has met me as a female although I have been completely open & honest about who I truly am and I believe that is the best way to be in my life and serves me well, although some people here don't seem to understand why my life is such an open book for others to learn something from. Some here have tried to attack me on here of late over it - this brings me to my next point about the importance of 100% total openness & honesty.

Many people I have met in life are often hidden & guarded and my experience has been that these people don't like it when they are confronted by someone who is open & honest because it puts them on the spot where they feel that they need to be open & honest and they can't be for whatever reason. This reason I have fallen out with quite a few people through-out life. But then I have to ask myself 'Are these people worthwhile knowing? Do they love me? And are they really my true friend if they cannot appreciate my openness & honesty? Would they rather I say nothing which feels almost as bad as a lie?'.

People tell lies because they know the truth is often brutal & hurts someone else. But what is going to do more damage? Telling the truth in the first place or telling a lie? From my own experience many years ago I learnt that even telling even a 'white lie' can land you in a quagmire of trouble and this is the reason I decided to take the open & honest approach in life and with transitioning. I had no idea how my sexual preferences might change after I started on hormones. I didn't want to hurt my friends by making one statement then changing my mind & going the other way later. So for this reason I left the option about my sexual orientations open - I didn't want my friends to think anything less of me because I did change my mind & give them the idea that I might have told them some type of a lie.

Let's face up to the truth here - I highly doubt that there isn't a transsexual on this forum that hasn't seriously thought about gender reassignment surgery and you can see here by Traci's & Karen's examples that by not being open about these issues has landed them both into a spot of bother now with their partners & now Traci is stuck between a rock & a hard place & I feel for her, but I also feel for her partner who is even more confused, hurt & angry about what is going on now. I know I am going to hurt a lot over losing people I care about sometimes by being open & honest, but I would rather suffer the pain & the losses than take the more cowardly way out and let other people suffer for my problems & issues.

I hope you can all see where I am coming from in this post and I hope this helps others who have any similar sort of crisis going on in their lives.

Hugs Melody :hugs:

[Karen564]

When I started I was in a major hurry and thought only about SRS as an end point. I now see it as part of transition. That is due to watching the experiences of others. The calm that I have from living full time actually eases my desire for SRS. HRT definitely helps in that calmness.



Absolutely....That is all true !
And That is Exactly why I told Tracie to stay on the HRT for much longer & try not to get fixated on GRS.....because the strong desires for it do become less & less of a priority once the calmness settles in longer....she'll still desire it, but also won't be overwhelmed with anxiety for not having it...

[Melody Moore]

Absolutely....That is all true !
And That is Exactly why I told Tracie to stay on the HRT for much longer & try not to get fixated on GRS.....because the strong desires for it do become less & less of a priority once the calmness settles in longer....she'll still desire it, but also won't be overwhelmed with anxiety for not having it...
I have to agree Karen, I was also thinking about GRS all the time before I started on hormones and when I was asked the question was I going to have sex change surgery I said 'absolutely'. I still have to think about my GRS as part of completing my journey & reaching my goal because I need to save up a lot of money for it. However I have got to that same point now as you where I have that same inner peace by living my life full-time as a female and no longer feel any sense of urgency about it. I have no commitment or promises to anyone now so I am free of all that baggage to do as I choose right now. I don't know how I will feel if I was to get into a relationship at this point of time and whether or not it would bring back that sense of urgency, but a relationship isn't something I am out there 'looking' for anymore. I it happens it happens and I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I believe that the road will always be smoother as long as I continue to be open & honest about who I am & where I am at in my life to anyone I feel close to.

[JenniferB]

I surely do not remember me making that stong of a committment plus as we transition we grow and change.
Women never ever forget anything. And once you say "No SRS" you are NOT allowed to change your mind.

[Stephanie Anne]

No because I made it abundantly clear that I have no freakin' clue what I am doing so all offers are subject to change without notice.

[VanessaVW]

Women never ever forget anything. And once you say "No SRS" you are NOT allowed to change your mind.

They use the ultimate arguement, "But YOU SAID......." Sorry, you can't ever win that one.

[Karen564]

They use the ultimate arguement, "But YOU SAID......." Sorry, you can't ever win that one.

Ummm, be careful how you use "they" , because now, what was once "they", are now very much ME....:devil:

[discoveringsophia]

It is incredibly hard, this place in which we often find ourselves...

I feel like a liar. I reassured myself and my wife... but perhaps mostly me, and yet it turns out not to be true.

Just this morning, I was happy and well-adjusted. My wife and I stepped out of the shower together and something was said (not sure what or by whom), and I started spiraling down. I cannot even call it thinking; I just decayed in an almost atomic sense... I changed from one element to another... from active uranium to dense, heavy lead...

The alchemy of the emotions.

My wife looked and knew what I would not admit; I was thinking of who I am and who I want to be. I nearly blurted out that I am a woman.

And I hate myself for being a woman. I hate that I have never known my self. And I am sorry that I have to say those things here. Most of us want to be women -- I do too -- and yet I am stuck in a rut of hating myself.

Sorry, it's hard to type because my eyes are covered in tears.

So far to go to know myself. Damn it. I just need to post this raw, as it is; I'm sorry.

[Karen564]

Sorry, it's hard to type because my eyes are covered in tears.



Awww..Sophia..looks like you need a big hug..:hugs:make that 2 ..:hugs:

I understand Hun, because this can really hit some raw nerves & really hurt deep..I've been there too....just come back to it after you feel better, k? ..:hugs:

[Melody Moore]

My wife looked and knew what I would not admit; I was thinking of who I am and who I want to be. I nearly blurted out that I am a woman.

And I hate myself for being a woman. I hate that I have never known my self. And I am sorry that I have to say those things here. Most of us want to be women -- I do too -- and yet I am stuck in a rut of hating myself
Please don't be sorry, I think the key here is to get things right. Don't hate yourself because you are a woman, this
is who you truly are and your wife knows that. As long as you continue to stay in this state of denial, this will only get
worse. As I said earlier noone else should suffer because I cannot be honest about my own issues or problems.

As Karen said leave it for now and come back to it when you feel stronger.

I know right now facing up to this is hard, but the sooner you do then the real healing can begin for both of you.
Just remember that we are always here for you and understand to some degree what you are going though. :hugs:

[Danni Bear]

Sophia,

Never ever be sorry for posting your emotions or feelings here. All of us at one time or another have been in your shoes.
We are here to listen,to comfort,to console,to celebrate with,to help find answers to questions that we don't even know exist.
We are sisters and brothers in the truest sense. Not to judge but to extend a hand and heart when needed.

huggs
Danni

[discoveringsophia]

Thanks Danni, Melody, and Karen. I am happy to report that, after some sleep, I feel more like myself.

I never used to be affected by the winter's lack of light, but I think it has been impacting me more as I age.

Thanks again, all.

[WyomingDiva]

Oh boy, I feel a rant coming.....:devil:

I'm sorry, but I am finding it very hard to believe that any person that has had GID most of their life has not given serious thought & desire to have GRS for many many years whether their in a relationship or not..
I also believe we tend to blatantly lie to whomever when confronted with such a direct question which is usually asked shortly after coming out to our partners because we are desperately seeking acceptance by them & know if we told the truth right then & there, our support would very likely go right out the window..
Thank you for such an honest, blunt response. I think you nailed these issues dead on.

[Sally24]

Oh boy, I feel a rant coming
I'm sorry, but I am finding it very hard to believe that any person that has had GID most of their life has not given serious thought & desire to have GRS for many many years whether their in a relationship or not..
I also believe we tend to blatantly lie to whomever when confronted with such a direct question which is usually asked shortly after coming out to our partners because we are desperately seeking acceptance by them & know if we told the truth right then & there, our support would very likely go right out the window..

I'm sorry, but there are so many different levels of GID and awareness of our true selves for such a blanket statement. I spent the first 50 years of my life without much thought towards any kind of transition. The last 6 years that's all I've thought about. Even if my situation was different, I'm not sure that SRS would be right for me. There are many of us who have never lied to our spouces, or ourselves. Lack of information and changing situations as we age are not neccesarily denial.

[Melody Moore]

Thanks Danni, Melody, and Karen. I am happy to report that, after some sleep, I feel more like myself.

I never used to be affected by the winter's lack of light, but I think it has been impacting me more as I age.

Thanks again, all.
That's so good to hear Sophie, please keep us up-to-date with how things are going with facing up to this with your wife.

Things may not end like you hoped, but they will more than likely end at some point going by what you have said, so I think its
best to start preparing for that. Try and salvage what you can from this - even if it is to just remain as good friends because we
can never have enough good friends in this world. I have managed to keep my best friends through being open & honest with
them and I am sure that most people will achieve the same result by doing the same. But don't feel guilty about anything because
when we start this journey we are still trying to find ourselves and have no idea really where we will end up. That was my dilemma
when I started my journey, I have never been attracted to males and thought that maybe I would always be a lesbian after my
transitioning, but I had to be fair on myself and leave those options open and already I can see a change in me with regards my
sexual orientations. When I told a few of my male friends might end up being attracted to males, they asked me, does this mean
that you are gay? I told them 'Definitely not, because I am really a female. So if anything I have been a gay lesbian with all the
other women I have been with in the past.'

Even my ex-girlfriend realises & accepts now she has been in a lesbian relationship a lot longer than she realised and that was hard
for her to handle at first when she came to that realisation. I think a lot of wives go through something similar by the fact they often
don't want you to have GRS because in some ways it will cause them to re-evaluate their own sexuality. Finding one-self with feelings
for a member of the same sex is a position that a lot of people don't like to be put in because of the social stigma they might face from
their family & friends even if they are bi-curious or bisexual.

Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute and just think about how most guys would react if their girlfriends were to say to their
partner... 'Sorry hun, I want to be a man, so I am going to start taking hormones & start living as a man? I don't think that many
guys out there would be as tolerate of their partner's choice as women are with our choices & might even become violent about it.
By staying with them it makes things so much harder to deal with, especially when they have strong emotions for someone like you.

If you really love her, then understand that she is being forced to transition in her own sexuality as long as you are with her and
that causes them lots of stress. I broke up with my girlfriend to start my transitioning. We did get back together later for a bit, to
see how things would go, but we still lived apart because I didn't want to put any undue pressure on ourselves to see if this is
what we both really wanted. In the end the pressure & stigma she would face with her family won out and our relationship ended
but I was well prepared for that. In many ways I am glad now that it did because now I feel totally set free. We are still friends but
that is as far as it will go now. It was hard for me to let go of someone I loved, but I knew it wasn't fair to punish her with my issues.

Karen hit the nail right on the head when she said "we are desperately seeking acceptance by them & know if we told the truth right then
& there, our support would very likely go right out the window". But we have to be big girls & learn to stand on our own two feet as well.

I'm now living on my own again, my house-mate, also a post-op transsexual female is in the process of moving out to live with her new
partner & I will be soon renting her house from her. Luckily for me I have landed squarely on my feet. But I believe that 'faith' also played
an enormous part in that. Going forward and never looking back with any sort of regret is important for me. Sure I feel lonely sometimes
but also I have a whole new lot of friends now in my life to keep me company until the day that right person for me comes into my life.

This forum is as much a part of that as anything else, here I can find understanding & support as well as offer what I have learnt to others.
I know that it's a leap of faith, but unless you all take it, you will never know how things will pan out. Times have been hard sometimes but
for the most part everything is a lot better and I believe that it's because I have been totally upfront, open & honest with everyone in my life.

Good-luck girls, I hope my story and bit of advice helps you all to find more strength. :gh:

[ReineD]

So yes, I lied to her & lied to myself, because I had thought about having a sex change long before we ever even met.....And lied because I so desperately wanted to have a relationship & get married because I thought it would fix me & take away all those crazy ideas of feeling like a woman in a mans body..

Thanks for sharing your story so candidly. I got a lot from your post. :hugs:

It's not just the wives who suffer in situations like yours, clearly the TSs do too. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to come to terms with being a woman in a man's body after having lived a lifetime of male conditioning, and also how frightening it must be to think about the prospect of losing relationships that are dear.

But, if you could do it over again would you have told your wife in the beginning that you had thought of SRS for years before you met? You might have lost the opportunity to have had 20 years with her. But, you might have found someone who would have been more open about marrying a TS, and your wife would have had the chance to build a life with someone who isn't TS.

I'm just thinking about the pain of ending a long term marriage, the grief involved in having to change life dreams. I know about this, since I've been through it and surely if there is any hint that there is such a large potential change looming, a partner needs to be made aware of it so that she can at least make appropriate decisions for herself?

I'm not criticizing your past decisions. I'm just wondering if you'd do the same knowing what you know today.

[Hope]

I have been haunted by the same statement. And my wife said, basically the same thing to me.

Here is the thing: When we said we didn't want SRS or even a full time transition, we believed it, it was, to the extent that we could tell, completely true. But as we have progressed and come to know ourselves better, and had more time to process and come to terms with this experience - our feelings and expectations changed. The same thing can happen for your wife. It did for mine.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry, but I am finding it very hard to believe that any person that has had GID most of their life has not given serious thought & desire to have GRS for many many years whether their in a relationship or not..
I also believe we tend to blatantly lie to whomever when confronted with such a direct question which is usually asked shortly after coming out to our partners because we are desperately seeking acceptance by them & know if we told the truth right then & there, our support would very likely go right out the window..


You may find it hard to believe, but I discovered a little secret a while ago - not everyone is the same :eek: - don't tell anyone!

I am not saying that over the years I have never considered whether I might like to have GRS given the right circumstances, but that is the level to which I considered the subject.

Given that for the vast majority of those years I would tell myself not to be so ridiculous as to think I would be anything other than an ugly woman that no-one would want to know, I can't honestly tell you that I actively desired GRS whilst thinking that way.

Does that mean that I didn't really suffer from Gender Dysphoria when I was crying myself to sleep aged 8 wishing I could wake up as a girl?

Perhaps it means that my heart did not break when I decided that I loved a girl so deeply that the only thing to do was to push her away because I could never see myself as her husband and she deserved to have one.

Or does it mean that I am lying now to gain your acceptance?

[Karen564]

I'm not criticizing your past decisions. I'm just wondering if you'd do the same knowing what you know today.

Knowing what I know today, EVERYTHING would of been different...........For one, I would of told my parents about it as a child & then fully transitioned once I hit 18 & on my own whether they liked it or not...I also would of never gotten involved with dating girls or having a female for a spouse, because all that would of no longer been expected of me.
When I look back on my younger life as a whole, all I see is me doing is what was told & expected of me...as if I had nothing to say about it...I never lived my life for myself then, it was more like I was living only for others, to please them.

I really envy the ones that say they never really thought about it seriously until they got older, because I had to live with my thoughts of being female in the wrong body most all my life & go through hell during puberty seeing my body lose it's female traits & turn more male, all as my girl peers where developing more female..it truly was like the worse nightmare that repeated itself day after day, night after night...

When I was young, somewhere around the age of 15, I had taken the biggest sharpest knife from the kitchen, went into my bedroom, pulled my pants & underwear down, sat on the edge of my bed, then grabbed the family jewels, and started to cut....the pain became too unbearable so I stopped, then got it to stop bleeding & then just cried myself to sleep again, not so much from the pain in my groin, but from not being able to cut the dam thing off !....about a week later I read in a magazine about the Renee Richards sex change & how they used her male parts ...THATS when I thanked God that I didn't actually cut my parts off that other night because I learned that I was going to need them for the OP.

So yeah, things would of been a lot different for me today................But if my life was different, then I wouldn't of had my 2 wonderful daughters that I love to peices...so I'm not sure what to say about that.....other than only God knows why things happened the way they did.


PS, Reine, Your absolutely right on all counts, and I had no business getting involved with anyone..and it's one of many regrets of how I handled my condition...I was simply a coward for not accepting & facing up to what I was ..all for the sake of trying to be normal in this world & not disgrace my parents.

[ReineD]

I can't imagine the pain. I am so, so sorry.

[Karen564]

I can't imagine the pain. I am so, so sorry.

It's not your fault or anyones really, so please don't be sorry.....I was just handed a bad set of cards to play with...but thanks so much for trying to understand & thoughtfulness, your very special..:hugs:

[CharleneT]

Knowing what I know today, EVERYTHING would of been different...........For one, I would of told my parents about it as a child & then fully transitioned once I hit 18 & on my own whether they liked it or not...I also would of never gotten involved with dating girls or having a female for a spouse, because all that would of no longer been expected of me.
When I look back on my younger life as a whole, all I see is me doing is what was told & expected of me...as if I had nothing to say about it...I never lived my life for myself then, it was more like I was living only for others, to please them.



EXACTLY !!! That was me !! You said it very well indeed (as you often do) ;-)

[morgan51]

Karen seems to be right on target with my feelings and life situation I woul do things different if I could go back and do life over unfortunatly I don't get a do over so I have to make the best of this life and I'm trying. I desperatly want to keep my relationship intact and peaceful. I seem to have to sacrifice the exterior female me to do that. My heart has not changed nor will it. I am really having a difficult time of it at the present. Been off hormones 9 days and am miserable. I did lie to my spouse before we married so I made my own problem. This is a great thread thanks people.