October 7th 2010, a day i will never forget and always regret.

[Myojine]

i know i havent posted here in a long time and theres several reasons for that.
but.
October 7th i did soemthing i will regret for the rest of my life.(This is Long, grab some popcorn and your reading glasses)
That day was a normal day until my aunt walked in and started badgering me and harassing me, her usuall onslaught of emotional attacks.
I have bipolar rage so it took everything in me to not attack her. but after she left i exploded and vented my rage until i collasped
It wasnt until that night...
When i called my dad, in desperation for someone to seem like they care, and want to help me with my Trans issues...
he caught a hint of what i was going to do. so we talked for hours but no matter how hard i tried to explain to him
"Its a Choise, i cant support you if what youre doing and you choises make me go agaisnt God"
I couldnt believe it
i hung up and he called the verterans hotline to give me a call. they transfered me to a suicide prevention hotline...
And i talked with someone for about 20minutes. but no matter what they said i already knew what i was going to do.

I had already pullled out a CD and burned a copy of my "Suicide Note" from my desktop(i live and breath digitally, might as well die and wish farewell digitally too)
I walked inside and grabbed a full bottle of old pills.

I went back to my filthy hovel inside the garage and played a song
Skillet - Lucy
it was a video actually
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ag2KNOdUQA

i watched and i listen as the tears started to roll down my face.
I dumped a bunch of pills into my hand and tossed them back. and chugged some of the koolaid i made. then i started grabbing them two by two and swallowing them. until i was going to throw up. then. i sat and waited looking at the desktop wondering...
then my vision started to act funny...
so i googled what the symptoms of ******* overdose was.
some not so nice things but there was one that said Coma, so i ripped out a piece of paper and wrote
"if i fall into a coma just let me die"

Then...
silence, and a peace feeling knowing the pain would finally stop.
then something hit me i could feel the world around me starting to move, and i began to think....I dont want to die alone... not liek this i dont want to be alone anymore.
So i found my cellphone and dialed in 911.... and walked outsideand i stood their and stared at the phone.
i stared until it the world started to spin a little faster
then
i got scared
i started feel like... this wasnt going to be easy... this was going to be... very...frightening
i pressed the call button and talked to the operator.
at this point i couldnt walk straight the drug had found its way to my brain and was spilling in and overloading my neuro pathways.
my vision was spliting and i was starting to have involentary movements. the police arrived and they were talking to me.
but i was still fixiated on my phone
there was someing i had to let know...
my friend, someone i had inadvertantly fallen in live with over a distance...
but no matter how hard i tried i couldnt type out
i overdosed, i love you
after that the world started turning violently, it was spinning out of controll, my movements became exagerated and i was unable to walk or even see. every muscular system in my body was convulsing.
my heart beat was erratic and my blood pressure was dropping and skyrocketing.
my diaphram was flexing so hard that it hit my stomach every time i breathed out.
my whole body was convulsing.
But
There was no pain, no couldy ness
i was completely coherent as to experiance what the drug was doing to me.
Thousands of miligrams of the antinipolar agent was saturating my blood.
There was no pumping my stomach. there was no way to stop it.
The only thing that could possibly help was IVs
So they floodded my bloodstream with saline.
it was all they could do.
I waited
and waited
i waited for it to finally take me.
then i saw something
i was floating in darkeness
a light infront of me, and i was completely naked, just floating there in space.
then i saw a figure move closer. a dark figure hooded....
i saw its face. it had none. it was a bare human skull...i reached my hand out, i knew what it was.
"take me please i beg of you"
the figure started to walk backwards and the i heard it
"it is not your time"
at that
eveyrthing flashed back into place.
I could hear the siren, i could hear the heart beat moniter.
i felt my body convulse and i vomited over the side of the railing.
They had tied me down to the strecher thing.
and a police officer was holding my feet down.
The convolsions were so bad.
and now i reliease why i was naked in that vision
they had taken my clothes off.
in mad horror i kept on reaching for the blakent to covermyself up.
"Please dont look at me"
its all i could think, "please dont see that i am a male"

The next 3days i spent in the ICU.
They were flushing the ********* from my system.
i woke up 18hours later.
someone at my bedside.
And then i remember last night...
I had talked the entire time i was in that ambulance. trying to say something
anything, wishing, hoping that someone would care about waht i was saying.

EKG equipment, IVs, and a host of other things were attached to me.
It took 6days for me to be able to walk safely again.
i spent a total of 10days in the hospitle including the visit to the psychward.

Did i gain anything from it?
nothing
my family doesnt care, they didnt care if i lived or died. i learn taht, that night.
no one gave a flying **** if i just disappeared.
and what did i come home to?
a pissed off aunt shoving a face of rules and contract in my face about how if i dont fallow these ill be kicked out. amoung other things

i now have no money, no job, and no one who cares
i dont regret attempting suicide

i regret not dieing that night.

[CharleneT]

First of all, thank god(goddess or whatever) that you made that call. Now you know you want to live and you will. Thank {choosen god form} that those docs were able to save you. I am sorry that your family is so uncaring, that is horrible. Please seek the help of the professionals they must be recommending to you. Please !

[TommyII]

Wow!! chills all over. It's good you are now talking about it. Please don't try again. We all go through lonely, worthless feelings. I keep telling myself there is a reason I'm here. When the reason comes it will be from some place you don't expect, been there. Just keep trying to find a reason to live while you wait.

[Myojine]

i now have no money, no job
not going to happen anytime soon


And no
dont thank god, and the doctors couldnt have saved me if they tried and i did take enough to kill me

i regret not dieing that night.
but now i dont have the willpower to attempt suicide again.

[Melody Moore]

Sorry to sound a little brutal or blunt here, but you really do need to forget your family and worry about yourself. I really don't
think you have regrets about not dying that night or there wouldn't have been the cries for help & understanding and I don't
think you wouldn't have taken the time to write such a descriptive post. So I really don't think that suicide is an option for you.

The first thing we must realise with being transsexual is the importance of living your life for you and not for other people. I know
it hurts when those we love & we hope also love us don't really care, I have been in this exact same place. But until I learnt to take
control of my own life and live it how I should I also suffered in the same way you have for many years until I found God in my life &
learnt to trust faith. By leaving behind all that I knew was bad for me I was able to find a better way of life and a real purpose to my
existence. The key was never looking back and having any sort of regret - I still apply these same philosophies everyday in my life.

Over the course of time things have got a lot better and now I am much stronger and have for some reason been set on a path to
reaching out to help others like you by being an understanding and supportive person. How I got to this point was by realising that
I was not alone and there are other people out there suffering far worse than me. I found peace & sanctuary from my own issues by
learning to understand other people and realising that everyone is their own person, with their own mind & opinions on many things.
What other people believe isn't always right and what they understood and believed about me wasn't necessarily right either. But no
matter what I did, I couldn't do anything to sway another person's opinion and understand me for who I truly was. The only person
who really knows & understands me - is me! This is when I realised that the only person I could truly depend on in this world was me!

I know how hard it is to let go of the things you care so much about like your family but in order for you to survive - this is a must!
Parent's are and will only ever be our temporary guardians and nothing more. Many families are dysfunctional and don't always do
the right thing for their children no matter how much you try to get them to understand. So there is no point behind why you are now
punishing yourself for their misgivings and about who they really are. So this is where I come back to living your life for you & not them.

Please feel free to keep posting your feelings and I really hope this has helped you to understand where you need to begin.

Good-luck and know we are here for you as your much greater family Sis. :hugs:

[Raychel]

I must tell you that there are times that I feel VERY distant from my family.
But being on this forum has given me a whole new family that I know cares about me.

This is a great place. Keep up the post's and you too will find a whole new group of friends that truely value you.

[Felicity71]

Bipolar? If you get medicated for it, you may find the strength to live.

[Danni Bear]

Myojine,

Hun, I know the feelings that you went through that nite. They are some of the most awful ones you will ever experience. They will fade with time never entirely going away. The blessing in them is in remembering them when life hits you hard. I know that it is difficult to imagine that it will get better but it does. Suicide is the cowards way out and you my dear are no coward. Bruised and battered by life but not cowed or broken.
It is a blessing for all your family here that you are still here. You are loved,your heart beats strongly among us. Be safe and happy in the knowledge that yes you do have a family that cares and loves you. That you can call on in times of need and despair.
:hugs:
Danni

[Myojine]

Suicide is the cowards way out and you my dear are no coward. Bruised and battered by life but not cowed or broken.

I dont understand why westerners say this, because its rather foolish. Suicide takes quite a bit of internal courage.
To face death and ask for soveriegnty...
suicide is cowardice when you choose not to face duty and honor.

It is a blessing for all your family here that you are still here. You are loved,your heart beats strongly among us. Be safe and happy in the knowledge that yes you do have a family that cares and loves you.
Danni
after reading that part i dont know if you read my article or not.
Because youre absolutely wrong.
Im not niave about this.
Im treated like an animal. i dont get to go inside.
There are 2empty rooms in the house soon to be 3. and guess what? I cant have any of them. I live in the garage, alone, away from everyone, otu of site out of mind.
My "Family" is my cousin and aunt who treat me like im a dog or pet they regret getting. My aunt uses me as a emotional punching bag, and my cousin loves to flaunt the fact that shes pregnant or that she has friends/boyfriends ect.
They arent people who care about me enough to give a shit. the only reason i still live there is because they feel obligated to let me live in their garage(which btw has broken windows, no lighting, no water or any sort of things that a normal american human child has access to.
Im not being rude, im mearly opening your eyes to the truth
Your words as nice and kind, but are useless and decietful when they are blissful lies.

[Danni Bear]

Myojine,
I was not speaking of your natal family but of your online one here. Yes, families can be mean and do their best to destroy one.

Yes, it does take an internal strength to end your existence when honor or duty requires it of you. Many have done this over the years. Suicide in an attempt to end torment or osterazation is cowardice. This I know from repeated attempts of my own over many years. Life is worth perserving. Living is your revenge on those who would destroy you.
It will be hard and full of agony and despair for you. You can do that, the world needs you and the light that you shine on it. We are all benefitted from your presence among us.

Danni

[Melody Moore]

Well my words might not come across so kind as Danni's just did what I am about to say I believe is something you need to hear.


I dont understand why westerners say this, because its rather foolish. Suicide takes quite a bit of internal courage.
To face death and ask for soveriegnty...
suicide is cowardice when you choose not to face duty and honor.
I totally disagree, it takes more strength & courage to live life by doing your duty & facing up to your responsibilities
than to die and be free of pain & suffering in life. Suicide IS nothing but selfish cowardice that holds no honour at all.


Im treated like an animal. i dont get to go inside. There are 2empty rooms in the house soon to be 3. and guess what? I cant have any of them. I live in the garage, alone, away from everyone, out of site out of mind.
And do you think you are the only one that has had to live in those types of conditions? My own father did the exact same thing to me and wouldn't
allow me inside the house because of how much he feared me after I broke his nose & jaw in 3 places after a lifetime of putting up with his abuse of
me & my family. Given how angry I was with him at the time over these issues I wouldn't let me into the house either - because I wanted to kill him.

I felt lower than a dog by how I was treated, but then I refused to put up with it any longer & stopped
feeling sorry for myself and got a job and moved into my own place. So why can't you try doing the same?
If you cannot do that then you should really give thanks to having somewhere to sleep a dry bed & with
a roof over your head, there are many in this world a lot less fortunate that you that don't even have that.


My "Family" is my cousin and aunt who treat me like im a dog or pet they regret getting. My aunt uses me as a emotional punching bag, and my cousin loves to flaunt the fact that shes pregnant or that she has friends/boyfriends ect.
Your cousin & aunt are who they are & that is that. You don't like it, then why keep putting yourself through this self-torture by putting up with it?


They arent people who care about me enough to give a shit. the only reason i still live there is because they feel obligated to let me live
in their garage(which btw has broken windows, no lighting, no water or any sort of things that a normal american human child has access to.

You talk about duty and honour & how important it is right? Well where is it with you? I know I wouldn't
want to live in those conditions. But who can I really depend on to help me get out of that situation?

Often we feel the world owes us something, but noone owes us anything, we owe it to ourselves & it
is our duty to make a better way of life. Where is the honour with always expecting a free handout?


Im not being rude, im mearly opening your eyes to the truth
Your words as nice and kind, but are useless and decietful when they are blissful lies.
No you are not being rude, you are only being blind. You never took any notice of what I said in my earlier
post did you? The only thing you have done here Hun is open our eyes to how sorry you really feel for yourself.

No-one here can help you if you cannot learn take some well-meaning advice, only you can help yourself.
If you don't like what I have had to say then I am Sorry but that is the best advice I can only ever give you.

[juligirl1984]

what a downer... sorry to hear life is so miserable for ya right now... just move out and keep on keep'in on.

[Chickhe]

Well... at least a few people in this world and this forum care enough to respond to your post! ...that's a good thing. Sometimes life does suck, but the trick is to find a way to feel like you have a purpose. Think about what it is you need... then find a way to do it (that's what I did). I suffered from depression and I've got to say, it is a long way back to happiness and it takes a lot of work and determination to get better. You must have some determination to live because you DID call for help... you are the only one who truely knows what you need to do (and forget about feeling like you are receiving help from anyone!!! you are on your own because no one else understands you). You need a boost from your doctor, but you should look at that as a temporary solution to get you to a place where you can think clearly. Can't tell you what to do... sorry.

[Aprilrain]

Being TG is f@&ing hard no doubt. Now what are YOU going to do about it. Anyway I assume your Asian, From japan perhaps? The reason westerners won the II world war was because they didn't go killing themselves every time things got tuff. Your family has rejected you so, f&@k um! There are like 8 billion people on the planet most of them in Asia so I'm sure you can find people who do care. As other people have said be thankful you have a roof and 4 walls. Life will not allways be like this just hold on and things will get better but only if you reach out and ask for help. This forum is a start but you need to find others like your self in your area, real people that you can actually touch. You obviously have internet access, ues it to find these people. I'm sure you could have thought of a more affective way to kill your self if you had actually wanted to die. So I think there is a higher purpose for you. Stop interacting with people who only bring you misery find people who can add some joy to your life.

[7sisters]

Myojine, you've always been one of my favorites here. So I am just numb to hear this.
NiCo used to say My enemies give me a reason to keep living.

Suicide?
Well Buddhism and Hinduism say this: We choose our life challenges when we are in the spirit form before we are born again (in my land we have many cases of reincarnation. I personally know a case). We choose these challenges to grow or help others to grow. If you dont positively tackle and solve the problems in this life, you will have the same challenges in your next life. You cant escape ... the only way to never be trans in your future lifetimes is to somehow deal with it in a positive way in this lifetime. However tough this is.

Suicide is just a simple 40 day break before you are born again. and it s not really a 40 day 'break' because if you suicide you see scary illusions for those days. and then you are reborn with exactly the same problems you were running away from in the first place.

Please dont suicide.

[Steph.TS]

I read your post, I have never attempted suicide, and probably never will, too afraid. I too live with a family that that doesn't support this side of myself, when I was about 12/13 I wrote a note and it was found by my family and everyone was making my life hell over it even going so far as to tell me that if I were to transition I'd go to hell, when when they thought I was just into crossdressing my dad couldn't stop teasing me making me feel like crap. I recently told my mom that I want to be a woman, she is disturbed by this and again brought of the whole hell thing again, as I've been struggling with this part of myself I keep thinking something along the lines of "why is the world treating gender like a prison?" I've seen how my parents react, and it has me afraid to do any transition at the moment.

So here's what I'm doing right now I'm trying to fit in, play along, I have a job and am racing to save up a large amount of money, in the mean time I'm going to find a gender therapist, to talk things out b4 I do anything, then, if the therapist and I both agree I should transition, then I'll start doing some permanent facial hair removal, and hormones. start living life as a woman if I have enough at that point I'll even have plastic surgery on my face to look more feminine.

I tell you my plan not to brag or anything, but to let you know that as crappy as I feel and how distant I feel from my family at times that creating a plan and trying to hold to it gives hope. I now am able to go to sleep and once and a while (pretty rare ATM) I dream that I'm a woman, or that people I know are accepting of this side of me. I know that once I start to show feminine features from hormones/surgery, I'll have to move out and that'll hurt my saving ability, but that's why I'm saving up that large amount of money.

I hope find a way to cope and make your life better, I don't know your family, I don't know your life or anything, but I think we all need to find hope in our life to keep pushing forward. Good luck with whatever you do.

[suzy1]

Myojine, there is a lot of good points in the replies here and some not so helpful.
I think I can say that because I was suicidal myself and therefore can relate to you.
Anyone that thinks suicide is the coward’s way out is wrong. You and I both know that.
So, all I can say, which might help is my experience. I had nothing to live for, NOTHING!
5 years later and I have never been happier.
My point, you just don’t know what’s round the corner.
Not much help is it, but I felt it was worth saying it.

SUZY

[tanyalynn51]

Im not sure what culture youre from, although it sounds Japanese, if family and honor are so important. But, there is still the fact that you have family here, even though we are online. It was my only lifeline for quite a while, and helped me find ways to have strength to get to where I am. You dont say where you are at, but is there anything at all in your area that can help you? Any friends at all that would support you? And, I believe your attitude towards suicide sounds Japanese (feel free to correct me if Im wrong). Much as I understand of suicide there (not sure if its some version of Seppuku to you or something else), I guess it is a release. But, here, I dont want to put forth any one religious view, but I have had to deal with potential suicides at the religious homeless shelter I work at. So, just in a general context, are you sure that it is a true end to the pain you are feeling? The majority of even non- Christian religions would at least tell you that suicide would bring some form of punishment. I wont say my opinion of that as I am bound by ethics, but I do feel I should at least ask you to ask yourself that before you think of trying this again.

[Stephanie Anne]

Thank you for such a personal touch on the struggle and reality of suicide.

[Myojine]

I apologize if i come off as hostile or cruel
but ive become very cold and hardened person over theses years.
No one should have to experiance what i have had to, exspeically at an age most would consider young or a life just begun.
But i cant change what this world has done to me.

I have no emotions of my own.
I no longer am able cry, or show compasion for much of anyone anymore.
i care greatly for those who feel the kind of pain i feel. but then again, pain is the only feeling i really even know anymore
I made a picture once, it was a naked girl chained to a wall covered in her own blood. head hung down in exhastion and shame.
the writing enscribed on the picture read "Pain doesnt hurt... if its all you've ever felt"
Those words i hold so very dearly to my heart
i feel no warmth from people anymore, i thrive in the darkness i have been reduced to.
The world is cold and unprediteble, i find peace and comfort at the strange and uncanny things that crawl from the corners at times.
I feel comfort in the filth and un-uniformity, the dirt underneith my nails speaks of my wretched world.
Illusions from the digital addiction i am consumed by are the only things left that bring me any joy.
I identify with fictional characters and places, and find my identity in my digital counterselfs, who are the image of my real happiness.
with a heart so cold and withered and eyes that see clearly and brightly of the worlds nightmares, and yet only see happyness in the fables i live and breath with
I constantly ask myself...
am i even human anymore? Do i want to be?

All i know for certain is this.
The very person i portray, the very deepest and truesty feelings that i have left
beg and cry and need to express the female persona with in.
The girl inside of me screams to be set free, or will die trying.
but i still question... after it does happen
Will i be happy?
or have i grown to cold, and distant to believe in happyness anymore?

[juligirl1984]

I feel you... I have no emotions.. I have lost all of my compassion for people... I have felt no love in over 6 years... I numb my soul with opiates to just help get thru the day... I wish I didn't but right now its the only way I want to deal with all of my troubles. It puts up a mask to reality and I feel good. I wonder why its so hard? why do I think of these things constantly? who are you to judge me and say what place I have in this world? I am Me and its the best I will be. I try to strive far above the beyond...I have made my way into the working world and have dominated my workforce for my age... I am well off and still feel empty inside... Im cold inside and do not know how to even show a simple act of kindness to a stranger. I isolate myself from the society I dwell and do not mind... I do addreneletic things to keep me alive inside... or too just end it all by a thrill that I'd love to be taken by... Like run a horse thru the sage as fast as he can go... or ski off a cliff/rock and go as big air as I can... I do this not for the thrill but for the taking. I have no fear of DEATH. but I do fear taking my own life. If I die of something I am enjoying even though its plain insane in some one elses eyes its ok... How can a person think such thoughts? why can it be that bad to end it all and not know what lays beyond this life? There is faith and faith is good but how strong is that faith of yours? I'm not going to lie here. I have wanted to end life so many times for me... but how is that an answer? its an exploration of your deep self. you have no idea on what it will be... you may be in darkness. never being able to see yourself again or others... you may be in torment forever... or you may be in paradise and it was worth it!!! but is it? this life you have right now is so strong... you have survived this long. you have taken a drug to numb yourself from this cold dark world and you STILL made it thru... you are strong.. determined and most likely too smart for your own good... please enjoy this life you have! there are many things out there to pursue and accomplish... what are you? yes you are very brave... you just tried to kill the most valuable and precious mystevious, envious thing that you and everyone only has one of... your soul... your conscience, your self being... just plain you!!!! and if you stop that then... well only you will know what it will be... and I will follow you as will everyone else that will die off eventually. and we will remember this day about how you tried to off yourself... and LAUGH at it. and you will be happy that you finished out your life how your destiny desiered... please if its really that bad for you than just find a person who cares... even if that person is yourself... I do feel the loss of emotions and the coldness that you talk of... I do like it... it makes life easier to deal with. no one can hold you back. you have no body to answer to except yourself! you are you! remember people who think with their emotions are the ones who mostly loose in this world. well when they think with rash emotions... such as killing yourself!!!!!! here are a few quotes that will help you out

you've got Three Choices in life. 1. get good, 2. be good at what you do, 3. Give up. you've gone for #3, Why? Because if you dont try, you dont fail. Are you really that simple?
Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this last one is my most favorite!!!! pain is the worst ever but you will defeat it one day... I'm not just talking about physical pain either... mental also and emotinal... please see this.. you were in and are in PAIN. you tried to kill yourself and that was a bad decision... you feared the eternal pain you think you'll be in... well just don't fear it anymore... eat off it! turn it into the prey. you go be strong and do what you must do... you are right though.... If you kill yourself you are brave... not knowing the consiquence of death is pretty brave to face!!!!! you are a strong hearted person to face this... you went 7/8ths of the way. thank god something interveaned you. and you know what that is I hope...... I thank you for sharing your thoughts on this dark day of yours... It has leaked a ray of shine thru to me and I realize that I'm ok with how I am and will deal with myself to be able to keep going in this world... I must stop the self destrictive behaviour before I do end up like you in your first post... I thank yo and admire your courage in your battle of life. please be strong for I know you are and you will counquer your destiny.. I know you will!

[Danni Bear]

All i know for certain is this.
The very person i portray, the very deepest and truesty feelings that i have left
beg and cry and need to express the female persona with in.
The girl inside of me screams to be set free, or will die trying.
but i still question... after it does happen
Will i be happy?
or have i grown to cold, and distant to believe in happyness anymore?

Myojine,
You may not believe this, if I could crawl into that dark place where you are I would.To hold and comfort you, to show you that you are truely loved. I can understand the very torment that your soul is suffering in its time of severe need.
Know this little one, the girl inside you is trying to bring you back. No, you are neither cold or distant. You are lost and searching for a way home. The world and your family have tried to destroy you but have failed. The only path that has been left you is to now recover and grow in strength. To find that spirit that lies within and let her soar out into the light.

Danni

[7sisters]

More than a decade ago, bad things happened and I became so emotionally numb, I stopped getting my monthly period (I'm a gg). Then I was fortunate to meet a mentally retarded boy. They call these kids special kids. And its true. They ARE special. One evening with him and it was like the dam burst open. I began to feel. If you can spend time with special kids helping out on a voluntary basis, do this. It's really healing.
Another friend of mine got out of prison (which dehumanizes you), and the first thing he told me is "I've got to get a dog", I need to start feeling again. Pets, special kids. They are the healers. When you feel broken help and support someone. It heals.
Read Dhillon Khoslas "Both Sides Now: One man's journey through womanhood".
Watch his story about bringing the little boy in him home:
http://current.com/participate/vc2/76441442_the-temple-beyond-tolerance.htm
he got a website too

Myo, you have been born with a unique medical condition. But if God brings you to it, he will take you through it. This is the storm before the calm. Remember it is darkest before dawn. *kiss and tight hug*

I also suggest you stop living your entire life online. It's so unhealthy. You need to meet real people and network.

[Myojine]

please dont talk about god around me.
Not only is god a completely illogical idea, montheistic religions are a poison that people have used to commit murder and acts of violence with justification. REligion its self is not the problem but mearly the people who beleive in such fairytales.
No offence to anyone but if people who beleive in god are allowed to push their religions beleifs everywhere they go i should be allowed to preach mine.
People have used religion to start wars and kill people with justifaction that its ok to hurt someone in the name of God.
What poison filled their heads to make them beleive that?
What illogical thought process makes someone beleive their is some all powerful entity watching over people like a protector and creator.
I once had someone tell me that ,"Gay people dont beleive in god."
Ignorance at its finest.
I through at them facts about an Openly Gay bishop in the penticaostle church. And no one thinks twice that he is a man of god because he is a symbol of holy and charitible faith.
Monotheistic Religion is a great source of ignorance and utterly violent behavoir
no matter what the name of their God is.
For one commandment makes them blind of others religious view points
"Thou Shalt not have any gods before me"

religion is a terrible thing when people use it to justify hurting another person, and then firmly beleive they are doing the right thing.

I am tollerant of those who are religious. I know how strong religion can be to people as a symbol of hope and life.

[7sisters]

Myo, you are God.
We are all Gods. That is the truth I believe in. Buddha never got into whether or not there is a God. But he did say all the answers lie inside ourselves. You and I can make things happen. The only thing that stands between us and our goals is the limits our minds place. Speak negatively and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Which is why I'd say, it's good you bubbled over (and survived!!!). That was a huge purge of negative thinking that got out of you. Now you have to realign your thinking. Now is the best time.

I would have told you to read the Bardo Thodol which details every step of the consciousness after death. But it is a very complicated book to understand. I took years to get through Carl Jungs Foreword in the book. Once I read that book I realised we are all Gods. You too. And if you want to make your physical transition dreams come true, then you can and you will. The truth is while others will for us and their goodwill and intentions helps, it is only us who can make things happen.

If it is to be, it is up to me.

Life is like a rubber ball. When you hit the bottom HARD, you bounce back higher than before. You cant argue with physics young lady! So wait for the opportunities that will start coming your way, and grab them to make your life better. Good times are coming.

[Charlena]

Dear Myojine, I suffer from Bipolar II, I led a peer-led depression bipolar group for five years, and saw much pain from many people. In my own experience emotional pain for me is far worse than physical pain. I once burned myself so bad (accident) that was the worst physical pain by far I had ever felt. i once told a therapist that if i could burn myself on the first day of the year and get it over with I would do it as long as the emotional pain would leave me alone the rest of the year. The person I love the most in the whole world has been hospitalized three times for suicidal thoughts and cutting. I do not think it is a cowards way out. My special person loves me so much that I can not imagine how much pain she must have been in to leave me. It's sometimes seems easy for people to tell you what to do, but they are not walking in your shoes. When I was seventeen I was out late one night driving feeling the pain of people not understanding me, at that time I did not in the least bit understand myself. I floored the car to the limit and headed for a dangerous curve. Something made me hit the brakes barely in time. That was 34 years ago and even though life has been very hard I can say I am glad I am still here, so Please stick around. I would urge you Please to find a support group. PM me anytime you want if you want, try to visit a therapist if you have or can find the resources. We live in different parts of the world, but I want you to know that I truly love you. I know several people including myself who have been in the dark place. Most are still here a couple are not and you may think no one cares but hang in there. Try to find a good friend, one good friend is a treasure to respect. I really don't know what else to say but to reiterate that I Love You as the person you are. We are all Related, my dear Myojine. May you find peace in your LIFE. Love Charlena

[Myojine]

Well my plan is to start transitioning as soon as i get discharged from the military. which may not be very far away. First hormones ofc after i see a few people. i dont know how im going to do it....
But as asoon as i get my facial hair removed i can pass as a female again. when ever i shave clean and that shadow doesnt show i swear i look like a butch lesbian.
So i guess im lucky in that respect. hopefull i can start before the male hormones do any more damage. I think the way my life is right now with me being anemic and not able to eat much many of my body functions have begun to decline. i hoping thats effecting my hormones because ive noticed a big drop in my sexdrive.
TMI AHEAD
its gone from once or twice a day to less than once every 2~3days. Im supspecting hormone delcine as well as mood changes, and possibly damage from the overdose.
TMI END

But once i can pass as a female again. my cousin is never going to here the end of "how do i do this. can you teach me how to do that?" Shes a liciened cosmogologist so ill be looking to her for a lot of "female" advice.

My ultimate dream of this. my only remaining dream...
Is to be a girl, marry another girl and adopt two children, and be the best parent I can possibly be.
I want my kids to know that i love them no matter what. Niothing that they want to be or want to do would ever change that i love them no matter what.
I want my children to feel that.
Thats what i dream of.
thats what i dream of every night and everyday wish for.
its the last hope that i can hold onto because
i know its possible. i know it can happen. i dont know how im going to get there but i know its what i must do and achive.

[7sisters]

Okay then that would make you the first butch lesbian transwoman I know. Good to have goals.

[Charlena]

Never ever give up your dreams. They can get you through a lot. :cm2:

[Myojine]

oh god no no no no no no........
i want to avoid the image of a man! nooooooooooo fu ckin way.........
im just saying that without facial hair i look pretty feminine.
I have a androgenous face.
i most certainlyn do not want to look like a man
EVER.
I wanna have my butt length long hair back, i want to learn how to do make up and how to paint my fingernails.
i wanna be a mother and wife(hopefully to another girl)
when i had long hair i got mistaken for a girl A LOT. made me very happy.

Actually feminine wize im like my cousin. Somewhat of a show off. She shares that same sorta exhibitionary style that i like.
She often times wears those thin shirts from Victorias secret and brightly colored bras so you can CLEARLY see her bra underneigth.
She has plenty of underwear that is the "show off" type. Not that i look through her underwear, but shes sorta lazy and leaves her laundry to sit for a while in the laundry, so its no secret that kinds of thongs and panties she has.
My feminine side is very...shameless. Im very aware of that... sexual and deviant side, not that i would be "easy to get" but i certainly woudlnt mind showing off at all.
And i deeply want to express my the strong female side of my personality that i have bottled up, and i simply cant do that.

[Melinda G]

You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with family. You have to get out of that environment ASAP, whatever it takes. Move to another town. Go to a shelter. That kind of abuse will drive you over the edge, sooner or later. Forget the family, and don't look back!

[7sisters]

As Charlena rightfully said... your dreams and goals will take you far. But now you have to also sit down and plan your PATH to your goals.

In other words... what is it you will do, to achieve your goals. And then work at it. Diligently and consistently. Consistently. That is the key word. Dont let speed breakers make you stop. Focus.
Remember a penny saved is a penny earned. Dont waste your money. And you will soon achieve your ambitions.
Yes indeed you have a nice face. You certainly have a lot going for you as far as discipline is concerned. So that is a feather in your cap.

[danielleb]

I recently heard of a study conducted, in which people put their hands in ice water and were timed to see how long they could last. One group was told to just hold their hands in for as long as possible. The other was told to swear when they coudn't take it any more, but to keep their hands in the water. In something like 98% of the people who swore, they acheived a time double to that of their non-swearing counterparts.

I think the thoughts of suicide that tend to consume alot of us here, may just be our own mental swearing. A way to deal with mental desparity that we feel so overwhelmed by that the thought of suicide is the only distraction strong enough to releive the suffering we put ourselves through over our distress with life.

I was astonished to find so many people here that lived, or are living in situations so similiar to each other. Your situation is not so far removed from a number of us here, you are not living through this alone! If you want to grow and move forward as a person, you have to try to learn from those who have traveled the road before you. You've been given some great advice here already, and the more you talk to people, the more information you will gain to help you formulate a plan on just where to aim your life.


...I have bipolar rage so it took everything in me to not attack her. but after she left i exploded and vented my rage until i collasped...
...my family doesnt care, they didnt care if i lived or died. i learn taht, that night.
no one gave a flying **** if i just disappeared....

I have been in this position, I can't speak for you, but in my case I feel that I was only trying to manipulate people into telling me what to do, or doing what I wanted. Like a gorilla beating it's chest to ward off an attacker, I would explode, wanting to be left alone; when in reality I needed for someone to help me, and show that they cared for me or loved me (in large part because I didn't love myself, at all). It's taken me a number of years to start to understand just what it was that I was doing. But, however others felt about me, it didn't cahnge how I felt for myslef, and I've learned that only my actions matter in shaping my life.

...the figure started to walk backwards and the i heard it
"it is not your time"...

This, I think, is a great example of your brain scrambling to find a way to sustain life, much like the hand in cold water experiment. It's common that as people approach the precipus of death they claim to see visions, and in a majority of cases those images are the strongest images they can create to tie them to life. It seems that you are telling yourself "it is not your time", because you are not truly ready to give up. Knowing that, you can choose to suffer day to day, or try to make your world shift and move forward.

...i regret not dieing that night.
Maybe so, but you didn't, so what are you going to do about it now? Will you continue to wallow in misery over how bad your life is, or will you try to make changes so you don't have to live the way you have been for too long.

...the only reason i still live there is because they feel obligated to let me live in their garage...
Their obigation is not the only thing holding you there, you are allowing yourself to live there. I know it sounds impossible to hear, but you have the choice to accept that as your way of life, or leave and seek out another way to live. The only thing that I can see binding you is fear of failure. You made no mention that you're disabled and need someone else to care for you, or are imprisoned in shackles. We all have the chioce to accept things, good or bad into our lives or not. True, circumstances may be more difficult for one person over another, but (for those of us living in relativly free societies) that doesn't change that it's still our choice.

...but ive become very cold and hardened person over theses years...
This may be how you feel, but I'm certain it's not truly who you are. Just at the beginning of this summer I occupied a similiar mental position. I felt walled off from the world, like a caged animal ready to lash out at anything that confronted me. I hated myself, even more, for being so cold and hardened, because I knew that it was not really who I was at all. Externally, nothing has changed for me, but I have begun altering my mental position, and I am that person no longer. You just need to be honest with yourself about who you are, and make choices in life that will enable you to be that person.

...(i live and breath digitally, might as well die and wish farewell digitally too)...
...I identify with fictional characters and places, and find my identity in my digital counterselfs, who are the image of my real happiness...
It's great to create images of happiness, especially in a world where you risk nothing, but in real life reward only comes with risk. If you fail to put yourself into the world around you at all, then you will get nothing from it. Coming to the digital world is a useful supplement, but it is proven it can't provide the same experience as being with real people. I'm certain everyone here would be glad to know and help you (PM anytime if you need), but you need to seek out help! Whether it's therapists, support groups, advisors, friends; from anyone you can interact with for help on how to rejoin the world around you.:hugs:

[juligirl1984]

you related that cold water experiment very well to suicidal thoughts...

[Melody Moore]

October 7th 2010, a day i will never forget and always regret.

Sorry, I don't believe that you will always regret this day, I think in time it will signify a turning point in your life.

I know the last time I tried to commit suicide I realised that it was not my time
to die & that there was a purpose to my existence - I just had to try and find it. :hugs:

[Melinda G]

Am I the only one who noticed the cautions on anti depressants say they "may cause thoughts of suicide"? If you're taking meds, you may want to check the side effects.

[juligirl1984]

"Sit tall in the saddle, Hold your head up high
Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky
And live like you ain't afraid to die
And don't be scared, just enjoy your ride"

you've got this.