Successfully Had "The Talk" and Now Need Some Advice (GG Input Appreciated)

[Debglam]

After screwing it up once last month, I discussed my desire to dress with my wife last night. I used some of the good advice, particularly the threads by Marla GG, and was completely and totally honest about it. Having just dressed for the first time during our twenty year marriage (the urge has always been there but has gone through the roof lately) I just couldn't not tell her and keep going.

The discussion was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and telling her that I have the "urge to dress in women's clothes" was like the first time I ever stepped out of the door of an airplane with similar results in my mind - either the chute would open or. . .

We talked for awhile and her concerns were very reasonable: was there more to this i.e. did I want to become a woman - no; was there anything else I hadn't told her - no and I would have said something when we first started out if I had to act and not just fantisize about dressing; and would this eclipse time with the family - absolutely not! In the end, this amazingly strong and resilient soul mate of mine didn't let me down. She was clearly shaken, as anyone would be, and wanted time to digest this let me know that she still loved me and that this would be OK. She even suggested that she might eventually be involved with it. I absolutely adore this woman and consider this possibly the best result I could have hoped for.

I've read Marla GG's thread "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" and there is some great information as to how to proceed. I'd like to hear from anyone who has been down this road and what they think worked for them. I'd really like to hear from the GG's and what there thoughts and feelings were.

I really don't want to screw this up. I absolutely adore my wife and feel guilty for adding yet another burden to her full plate but I couldn't NOT tell her. I want to make this as easy for her as I possibly can and any suggestions to this end would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Debby

[SweetPea_GG]

Big claps to you Debby for telling your wife. I think thats probably one of the most hardest steps with the whole process. As a GG myself I am sure your wife respects you more now that you were open and honest with her. Its best to find out by telling rather then finding. it still hurts but I think there is more pain involved when a wife finds out before the CDer tells her. give her time to digest it all. I just found out myself about a week ago and I still have moments where I want to just ball my eyes out but I have more moments where i love him fully and I want to try everything to keep our marriage going (we have been married for 15yrs but together total of 19yrs) I am not giving up easy. A suggestion to you would maybe introduce your wife to these forums.. its helped me a lot in this short time. Talking to other CDers as well as other SOs.. plus there is a area just for us GGs that help me vent when I feel like i dont have anywhere else to vent.

remember keep the communication going it will help a lot.. and listen to your wife and always ask how she feels...so that you can validate her feelings too.. thats important.. especially to myself that i get heard and my feelings get validated.

best of luck if you need anything or your wife im around often :)

ps- I forgot to add that setting up comprimises would be a good thing.. I told my husband the next day what clothing I was comfortable with me then and that we would work from there..that way he doesnt lose everything and I dont give up everything for him to be comfortable and me uncomfortable.

[Kerigirl2009]

I also told my wife about my crossdressing, (about a year and a half ago, actually it was July 2nd, 2009) We are still together (thank God) although some things have changed but we are working on it and I suspect we always will. I want to be totally honest with her, but if you flood her with new information too much, it just may drive her over the edge. make sure you are honest with her but DON'T go to fast with the information as she needs time to process the information.
I wish you and your wife the best of luck. :)

[SweetPea_GG]

I want to be totally honest with her, but if you flood her with new information too much, it just may drive her over the edge. make sure you are honest with her but DON'T go to fast with the information as she needs time to process the information.
I wish you and your wife the best of luck. :)

Very good point.. let her know if she has any questions to come to you and you will answer them for her if you have the answer..cause if you keep at her about it and as stated above flood her you might wash her away =/ and it might become more over whelming

[Sandra]

Now you've got the hard part out of the way just remember to take it slow, if you want to do something then talk to her about it and if she is not all that keen then try and come to a compromise. Keep the lines of communication open and continue to be honest with her when she ask questions.

You could suggest that we have a forum here FAB just for wives/partners, where she would be most welcome.

[Debglam]

SweetPea, Kerri, and Sandra, Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I am definitely going to move slow. This is difficult and I'm in alot of turmoil - I can only imagine how she is doing!!! I think this forum will be a big help to her to try and make some sense of this. While I am eager to point her in this direction and other resources (I am currently reading "My Husband Betty" and think that may help too.) I know that she needs time. She is an amazing woman and I am so lucky. I'll do anything in my power to work this out with her.

Debby

[SweetPea_GG]

this post makes a hidden point.. its not just us GG's that work on things but our SOs too.. without a SO who is willing to take things slow with their wife or SO then it wont work out very well. understanding has to go on both sides and at this point no one can be selfish :)

[ReineD]

I'll add my voice to the other GGs and also suggest taking it slowly. This might be difficult though. Judging from other posts I've read here, the alarm bells that went off in your head inciting you to step it up during the last few years stand to go off much, much louder now that you've opened up to your wife and she accepts. I don't know why this is, but often times the period after telling a spouse quickly leads into a pink fog, and this is where couples experience issues.

Just keep in mind that in your wife's desire to be supportive of you, she may be reluctant to tell you that she's scared when you will want to make what you consider to be small changes in your presentation, or take small steps in beginning to go out.

Someone else posed a similar question to yours recently, and rather than repeat my experience with my SO, I'll simply direct you to the post here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?144224-I-came-out-tonight-and-my-amazing-soul-mate-is-behind-me-all-the-way%21&p=2335566&viewfull=1#post2335566).

You do sound genuinely concerned for your wife's welfare as you both begin down this journey, and I can't help but think it will all turn out beautifully for you both.

:hugs:

Edit - I forgot to mention that it would be good to make a point to balance the guy and femme leisure times with your wife, especially in the beginning, so that she can have a feeling of 'normalcy'. Also, the most important rule to have IMO, is for your wife to know in her heart that if ever she feels vulnerable and needs her husband and not Deb, that she can tell you this, knowing you will revert back to guy mode gladly for her.

[SweetPea_GG]

Edit - I forgot to mention that it would be good to make a point to balance the guy and femme leisure times with your wife, especially in the beginning, so that she can have a feeling of 'normalcy'. Also, the most important rule to have IMO, is for your wife to know in her heart that if ever she feels vulnerable and needs her husband and not Deb, that she can tell you this, knowing you will revert back to guy mode gladly for her.

Wonderfully put Reine I 2nd that!

[kitchenette]

Debby, way to go. Sounds like you are totally on the right track. My SO was pretty open about his femme side from the beginning of our relationship. We have a great, close relationship and have been together for three years. I am totally cool with his feminine self, but for some reason, the dressing is harder to wrap my heart and mind around. I know that might sound odd, but I love his girly side in the bedroom but I am not sure I how I would feel about more public displays. After a couple of fantasy gone overboard pink fog experiences on his end, I'm often scared (even tho he tells me otherwise) that he will go off for affairs with other men. Trust has been broken, unlike your case, but it's very easy for alarm bells to go off. I'm a very grounded, emotionally stable and together person. I have a deep dialogue with myself and am always trying to expand my horizons as a human being. I'm really not a judgemental person, so I trust my instinct. I think there is just a very strong association for me between the dressing and other bad behavior related to sex addiction. We are trying to explore this with each other and in therapy. We recently discovered that I'm totally fine with dressing if I am a part of the process. If I can help - it's actually fun. It's just the thought of him doing it solo makes me fear his next "logical" step will be to get on the internet looking for people to hookup with. (He's never actually done it, but he has contacted a few...) So, that's my experience with it. I hope that provides you with some insight.

These are going to be emotionally fragile times for you both. If it ever gets to intense, I recommend just letting things chill out and go out together and do something completely whimsical together not related to CDing. Shoot some pool or visit someplace new. That really helps you stay connected and remember why you love each other so much. Here's to the next twenty years!

[Zoe Preston]

Thanks for your post Debby and I'll be interested to hear how you get on.

I first told my wife 20 years ago. She was shocked, I threw things away and I guess she assumed I'd never do it again. We never spoke about it again.

Two weeks ago I finally told her again. I'd had a minor health scare and I started worrying about how she would feel if she only realised the truth after my death (Which I hope is still a long time off!). At such a low point she might then feel that the whole marriage was a sham - I couldn't let that happen.

My wife was shocked but still loves me. Like your wife, Debby, she wanted reassurance - several times - that I wasn't gay, or that I didn't want to be a woman. She also wanted to know that I hadn't been out of the house. I haven't unless you count a dressing service which I told her about.

Your wife is wonderfully supportive if she is prepared to become involved. I know my wife won't and I certainly won't pressure her to. My wife wanted to know when I dressed, so I told her some of those Friday's when I use accrued flexitime to have the day off. I would add she spends each Friday at her Mother's. We'll see what happens this Friday. I have the day off... I know what my plans are if I have the house to myself..... :)

Sorry if it looks like I'm hijacking the thread - it's not my intention. Just explaining why I'd like to hear how things work out for you.

Zoe

p.s. Glad I copied my post because it disappeared whilst I was editing it:eek:

[TiffanyTgirl]

Better you place something on her plate than have it fall from the sky and splat there. Good Luck.