For those that have told their wives/SO, how did things change for your male persona?

[Erin Campbell]

Here's my situation... I have been dressing off and on for quite some time. At times, my wife has participated in my dressing in the bedroom setting only and she was fine with me being fully dressed (wig, forms, lingerie) and actually enjoyed it from time to time. I'm sure she thought it was just a phase and as time went on, it became less and less a part of our bedroom experience. Of course, it never was just a phase for me and I had the urge to explore my dressing more and more. Over the past couple of years, I have continued to dress, not in front of her, but the more I've gotten into dressing, the more I have realized I enjoy the way it makes me feel and have started to add items to my collection here and there that are more than lingerie, such as jeans, dresses, etc. I don't have a desire to be a full-time crossdresser, but I do find that I enjoy dressing enough to make it more than just part of a bedroom activity every so often.

Recently, my wife found a couple of my things that she does not remember seeing from our earlier days of playing together, and she didn't react poorly to finding them; however, she asked me some questions without really asking, if you know what I mean. She obviously knows I have dressed in the past, and probably now realizes that it wasn't just a phase. So, I am going to have "the talk" with her, which I was already researching and planned on doing anyways, but this kind of accelerates things. I'm not real concerned with her overall reaction because based on history, I think she will be tolerant and accepting to some level. She also made a comment after she found my things, that she loves me no matter what and unconditionally. The only unknown is to what level she will accept Erin, whether she will tolerate it but not want to participate, accept it only in the bedroom like before, or if she will broaden the acceptance to the point where I can be fully dressed around her to whatever level we agree upon.

As I mentioned, I have no intention of dressing full time, and assuming my wife is accepting as I believe she will be, we will have to find some agreed upon balance between my male self and Erin. My main concern is how things will change for my male persona, after we have our talk. I have this feeling that when I am not dressed, my wife is going to look at me differently, at least for a little while until she fully understands (if she does). For anyone who has been through a similar situation, did your wife/SO look or act differently towards your male self after she knew and how did you handle it? Any other thoughts and guidance would be helpful too. Thanks!

[Stephanie47]

If your bedroom activity includes dressing en femme with lingerie, wigs and forms I do not expect she'll change. I suspect she figured you out already. My wife use to allow me to wear a slinky nightgown on occasion. When she found out my desires to dress as a woman became more and more, that turned her off. She blew her top. She threatened to 'expose' me, etc. Our romance dwindled to zero. I'd rather have zero romance and dress en femme rather than have her look in disgust or anguish while making love. Now I wouldn't even try to reach any compromise with my wife. She knows I dress en femme when she is not around. There are issues in her past which have nothing to do with cross dressing or me. I think she may have finally realized her issues have interfered with our normal sex life before cross dressing became the big elephant in the room. You may allow her to test the waters. Maybe Halloween? Just keep in mind, your cross dressing can blow up in your face at any time. Good luck!

[nylon boy]

Hi erin!I have recently had the talk with my girl recently,she already knew as she found my things once or twice!!But all is good now theres no secrets and nothing driving a wedge between us.in fact i feel we are now back on the same wave length as we where drifting away from each other before my admission.

If she loves you as much as i suspect all will be good and she probably went through the emotions you mention about your male/female personas years ago when you first came out to her,as my girl will have upon finding my skirts and lingerie,in fact she may have been wondering where erin had gone recently??And maybe worried you where keeping things locked up inside which cant be good for any relationship.If your adamant you dont want to crossdress full time your male feelings i guess are on a par with your female ones,so if you can be both people i dont see why your girl wont see both of you as seperate people and enjoy them both as she has done in the past,hope all goes well erin

Lexie x

[Rachel Mari]

I have, and am curently, going through the same kind of experience with my wife. I told her that I liked to CD when we were still dating and she was fine with it. She even helped with makeup, bought some clothes for me and was very supportive.

Things changed in the span of the first two years in that it seemed to me that she wasn't as accepting anymore (maybe she thought it was a phase for me too) and I didn't know where I was going either. So pretty much she stopped being a part of my dressing and I only dressed when alone.

That was 20 years ago.

We have been having some problems in our marriage the last couple of years and I think part of it is the CDing. I talked to her one day and she had a number of concerns about me: Am I gay? Do I want to become a woman? Why are you so feminine? (spelling?) So, even after 20 years of marriage and two kids, she had concerns about what was going on and where I was going. We just didn't talk about it. Ever.
About two months ago, we finally talked alittle bit about it and after I reassured her that I didn't want to become a women, just dress like one, she's become much more relaxed in general and started to respect, and like, me again. It turns out all the unhappy looks and disrespect towards me stemmed from her not knowing what was up.

Well, I started going to a TG therapist about a month ago and it has helped me a great deal. My wife and I haven't spoken much about it yet, but I think it'll be soon coming.

So.... as to my wife looking at me differently.... I think she started to. It was getting to the point where she told me she was more than half way to divorcing me, but that has since changed and we're both totally committed to staying together. But we're not totally out of the woods yet.

As to how Rachel will ever work into our relationship again... I don't know. She willing for me to leave on one or two day get aways (by myself) to help Rachel to come out more. Dressing for me, at times, could be a year long wait before I would have time for it and I missed it greatly.
I guess I feel so much more me when dressed, like I don't have to have this male presence all the time. It feels normal and I'm much happier with myself.

I don't know if that helps you any, it just sounded very similiar.

[StacyCD]

After the 'talk,' we had a don't ask don't tell policy. Slowly, I've been able to wear panties 24/7, pierce my ears, and wear women's satin pajamas to bed. Recently, I've been wearing long satin nightgowns with a bra a forms to bed. Most recently, I've been wearing complete women's clothing including heels (no wig or makeup) around the house. This has been a long and slow process but my SO is accepting of my expanded wardrobe. I'm hoping that she will tolerate makeup and a wig occasionally. Some in this group have much more freedom but from where I began this is almost heaven!

[sometimes_miss]

Hmmm. Well, she divorced me, blackmailed me into giving her everything and taking on all of our debt, and put me back into the single state while having a stereotypical female occupation where most people already assume I'm gay. Not wanting to confirm the myth, it's hard to even mention anything about crossdressing seeing people make the silent connection and just assume what they will about my sexuality. I knew all the jokes about male members of our profession. Now, I would have to live with knowing they were joking about me behind my back, that it would most likely be considered connected to my divorced status, as if I made some sudden mid life change in who I was sexually. Oh well. Life goes on.

[JamieG]

When I first told my wife, she couldn't sleep in the same bed with me for weeks. When she started to come to terms with things, then she pretty much treated me the same as before I told her. However, when we would get in a fight (which didn't happen that often), she would use the crossdressing against me. However, she also said that knowing this about me brought us closer together, and I agree. In recent months, she's become very supportive. Our relationship is as strong as ever, the only real difference being that now we are comfortable joking about my crossdressing with each other (we joke about everything).

As far as my male persona goes, I've become more sure of myself, and am not so worried about proving my "masculinity." For example, I support the LGBT group at work and I take ballet classes (in male mode).

[SweetPea_GG]

Erin :) just wanted to chime in from my point of view as being a GG. There were hints of CDing in my marriage too and years ago i found items and like your wife i didnt fully understand it and I thought it was just a phase that would pass too..or maybe in the back of my mind i knew but didnt want to accept it then...I mean this was the man i love the man i married why would he want to be anything different then that. So about a week ago i found out by myself the extent to his CDing and I was really hurt inside. We have talked quite a bit since then and me joining these forums really did help me out alot and it does daily now. for our marriage we had to come to a compromise on things.. things that I was comfortable with at this moment. So I told my husband and he agreed to them. I didnt want him to have to give up everything but I didnt want to sacrifice myself too and let him have everything which would of left me feeling hurt ran over and ignored. So we came to a middle balance..now im not sure if and when I will be able to handle more but it takes time and small steps. We as partners in life and marriage cant expect the one we love to change over night or accept over night. And I think he understands that or atleast I hope lol..he knows I am trying and I know he is trying as well. My trust with him kinda went down a bit..i have always had so much trust in him and it hurt that it was broken. But we will rebuild that trust and be stronger then ever. I believe issues that come up in a marriage or relationship if worked through will make your marriage stronger. As far as your question of her looking at you differently..well i can say for myself that there are small moments when I probably do but I dont mean to.. but what i was use to is really no longer there its not a look of disgust but more of a look of sadness at times. But that is normal i figure and I will work through that too.

[Erin Campbell]

Thank you so much for the thoughts SweetPea. It really means a lot to hear them from someone who has been on the other side and is going through what my wife is probably already started to go through and will be over the next bit of time. There is definitely something to the fact that, even though she knows on some level, once I talk to her about it, that is when it will begin to sink in. For some reason, it seems like things are easier with her kind of knowing and me kind of admitting to enjoy being Erin with the full story swept under the rug and ignored, the way things have been for a while, and once I fully tell her about Erin, that is when things will be difficult. However, I definitely don't want my wife to find out the extent of my dressing on her own, and I view her finding a couple of select things as my window of opportunity to have the talk before too much trust is eroded from our relationship.

You really struck a nerve, when you mentioned that you look at your husband a little differently at times, with a look of sadness. I suppose I am fully expecting a very similar reaction from my wife, and that is what makes me the most nervous. I am confident enough in our relationship that we will be able to get through it and be stronger for it, like you and your husband, but it's that look of sadness that scares me because I have never experienced it before from my wife. This isn't forgetting to take out the garbage or something on that level where she quickly gets over it and we go about our lives. That sad look or feeling she has is going to linger for a while (I assume) and that is what I am struggling with the most is dealing with that feeling that I am letting my wife down.

[Leslie Langford]

Erin, the big elephant in the room (and the fundamental question you will ultimately have to ask yourself) is at what point does your wife begin to regard your alter ego as the "other woman" in your relationship? And the more you let Erin blossom, the more of an issue that will become. Trust me on this - been there, done that...

And I really have no definitive answer for that dilemma myself yet, as I am still struggling with that very same issue/perception in my own marriage. Not unlike the unfortunate Prince Charles - Camilla - Princess Diana triangle of some years ago, and look at the disastrous effects it had on that marriage while she was still alive.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife before we married! She accepted me "as is," and we had almost 50 happy years together! She always knew that I was her man, no matter what clothing I had on. I have never had any desire to actually be a woman, I just like to dress like one. She knew that and fully accepted me dressing! So my male side has not changed at all!!

[Sophie86]

Erin, I worried too about being seen by my wife as something less than she wanted. I'm sure it's the case with some women, but it wasn't true of my wife and it doesn't sound like yours will be that way either. Chin up. :)

[Sarah Doepner]

Erin,
After my wife thought about it for a week or two she came to the conclusion that I was never really all that macho. She also decided that most of the things she liked the most about my personality were probably enhanced by my desire to explore my feminine side. She had so many girlfriends who's husbands were uncaring jerks, that she felt I was probably going to be a keeper if she accepted this side of me as well. Since then she sees the same person when I'm wearing a dress and heels or when it's jeans, a tee shirt and work boots.

[Miss Misery]

Erin, I worried too about being seen by my wife as something less than she wanted. I'm sure it's the case with some women, but it wasn't true of my wife and it doesn't sound like yours will be that way either. Chin up. :)

I heard this quote about racism and it could sort of apply here, "There are so many other reasons to dislike someone, why settle on race." In this case, men and women do plenty of things over the course of a relationship to change how they view each other why pick CDing as THE issue. Those issues and how we do or don't work through them are what the relationship is all about.

Hey, I'm still the "go to" guy for opening jars and changing the oil!

[SweetPea_GG]

I dont think its more or less being seen as something "less" but more of the feeling of wondering what the future will bring..how do i deal with this I feel alone, where is my role in our marriage now, and will our lives ever be the same or society's "norm". In my eyes my husband was and always will be my hero he has served our country and i have cried countless times in fear for his saftey and the unknown..there was just a part of my reciently that i felt like i lost a bit of him when he was hiding all this. Sure it can be ignored by both parties but that does not solve the issue and it just grows and grows until one day it will explode and you will have a bigger mess to clean up. Just give her time..she sounds like if you give her enough time and information she will be accepting. just remember sometimes acceptance takes baby steps.. but be proud of your wife when she does make thoes baby steps with you. she needs to hear from you often now how much you love her and are in love with her..dont let the "man" slip away.. thats one of my biggest fears I can admit to..I dont want to lose the "man" which I knew and fell in love with.. he means the world to me.

Again anytime you need to chat just hit me up of if you wife would like to chat or email me thats fine too. its nice to know there are others out there going through the same things.

:)

[Erin Campbell]

Thanks again SweetPea! I will be sure to reach out to you, as I go through this process. My wife is out of town until next week, so I have a little bit of time to get myself together. I completely understand your thoughts about taking baby steps. I definitely foresee us having to take those baby steps because, while I have been seeing Erin and been getting more and more comfortable with her, my wife obviously has not. I cannot expect her to instantly be at the comfort level that I have come to. Likewise, I wasn't able to fully dress up and walk outside the house as Erin the first time I ever dressed up, it was a process of baby steps building up to a point where I could walk to the car and go for a drive. So I can't expect her to be fully accepting on day one of finding out exactly how much I enjoy being Erin and it will take baby steps for her to get to the point I am now.

Your biggest fear is the exact same as mine, I think. I don't want my wife to look at me and think she has lost the "man" she married, and he will still be around a majority of the time. Again, I appreciate your honest thoughts SweetPea. You seem like an amazing woman, and I certainly am hoping my wife shares the similar viewpoints that you do.

[SweetPea_GG]

Your very welcome :) my husband is also on the forums. Known on here as Zoie if you would like to chat with him as well I am sure he would not mind. :)

[Rinoah06]

I feel super young and feel like I'm learning a lot from all of you. I told my gf and she was 100% ok with it she would pick stuff out for me and be with me when I dressed. Now we are married but it has only been 4 months. I feel if I had the opportunity to fully change I would do it in a heartbeat. Now the question about how my wife feels. She said she would be ok with me physically changing. I find myself dressing not with her as much anymore. I don't know why. I really hope she feels the same about me. As far as how I feel I'm super lost. I sometimes feel the urge to change is so strong I can barely stand it. Other times I hate that I feel this way or don't even feel feminine at all. So, I figured I'd post don't know how much it helps. But thank you for all the insight.

[Maria_1969]

My male side has not changed do to my dressing or wanting to be more fem. It has changed for me some by taking anti-depressants keping me more calm and less angry. My SO has hinted to me already she thinks I been repressing my feminine side and that being on meds helped me wake up to the way I was truely wired... so in that sence, if I decide to test being off the meds maybe it will have changed me for the better.

They say, behind every great man is a better woman.... maybe this is where WE crossdressers have a huge advantage, we not only love women, we want to be one to some extent.

The mind is an amazing thing.... But she has told me, she cant lose her man or she will become only a friend. She is encouraging me to explore, but I am treading with caution so I do not ruin a good thing with her. I would not want her to wear a beard around the house to be honest... I respect that the man she loves needs to be a man when she needs him to be. I also love the fact my SO is very feminine, its why I am so attracted to her.

In my past, I have a few GG women that accepted the fact I love pantyhose... but I also met many that rejected it and passed on me. I say, the sooner you step up and open up to her, the better. With what you say, I think you will be fine... Best wishes!

Maria

[Erin Campbell]

Thank you for all of the responses. This definitely is a bit overwhelming, so I really appreciate hearing from other people who have lived through it recently.

[Davina-Alba]

Hmmm. Well, she divorced me, blackmailed me into giving her everything and taking on all of our debt, and put me back into the single state while having a stereotypical female occupation where most people already assume I'm gay. Not wanting to confirm the myth, it's hard to even mention anything about crossdressing seeing people make the silent connection and just assume what they will about my sexuality. I knew all the jokes about male members of our profession. Now, I would have to live with knowing they were joking about me behind my back, that it would most likely be considered connected to my divorced status, as if I made some sudden mid life change in who I was sexually. Oh well. Life goes on.

Sorry to hear this. I hope things get better for you preferably with someone who will at least try and understand your feelings.

[Zoe Preston]

Good luck with the talk. But given that your wife has already been accepting of you fully dressed in the bedroom it looks promising. You'll probably get the "Are you gay, do you want to be a woman" questions but she may also ask "What are you hoping for from her?" "How far are you going to take this and how often?"

Try and anticipate her concerns - after all you know her better than we do :;) - and above all reassure her and stress your love for her.

Zoe

[Miss Misery]

Hmmm. Well, she divorced me, blackmailed me into giving her everything and taking on all of our debt, and put me back into the single state while having a stereotypical female occupation where most people already assume I'm gay. Not wanting to confirm the myth, it's hard to even mention anything about crossdressing seeing people make the silent connection and just assume what they will about my sexuality. I knew all the jokes about male members of our profession. Now, I would have to live with knowing they were joking about me behind my back, that it would most likely be considered connected to my divorced status, as if I made some sudden mid life change in who I was sexually. Oh well. Life goes on.

She or your company didn't take away your "red swingline stapler" did they? As in the movie "Office Space" - that's the last straw!

Seriously, life does go on and all you can do is laugh (or maybe not .....hehehe).