I am confused about my feminine urge and how to deal with it.... Help?

[Maria_1969]

All,

I have been wearing pantyhose since I was 6 years old but I never done much more until about my teen years where I dabbled at times with wearing shoes and a skirt and it was very sexual related. However, I never really seemed to have needed much more over time. There were times I thought about what it would be like to be female or have had fantasies about being abducted by aliens and turned into a female but these were brief and those urges and thoughts would go away. No matter what though, I was still very much addicted to pantyhose… as you would say, I have a pantyhose fetish but not really a cross dresser except for only a few times a year.

My male side is very masculine and I am even a tough guy… I am a biker and look and act the part as no one would suspect that same guy goes home and puts on female things. My SO of the last 3 years knows I wear pantyhose and occasionally shoes and a skirt and is very accepting of it. In her mind, I like some female things but I am her man and she was happy about that. It was always with the understanding that as long as I dress from only the waist down she still can SEE her man.
However, over the last 3 months everything has changed…. Something has really taken a hold of me and I am striving to be more like a woman. I am getting urges to take it further and even look fully like a woman. Even though I had bouts that may last a week or 2, this has went on for 2 months. I cant stop dreaming of being a woman. I want to feel everything a woman does and even did research of if hormones would help…. (too risky so I wont go there). I want breasts, I want to be able to look passable and feel pretty. I am afraid of my SO rejecting this much and wanting to leave me…..
Here is the shocker! I opened up to her about my feelings last month and she is encouraging it to develop!!! She painted my toe nails, we shopped for more shoes and skirts and she even got me a couple of bras. She told me that maybe it would help to have a female name and we picked Maria this past week. She told me to become the woman I want to be and as long as I accept myself she will accept me…. She only has 2 requirements. I do not make love to her while looking womanly (even though she likes it when I wear pantyhose in bed) and I do not try to live as a woman, that she wants to marry a man…. I can TOTALLY understand her feelings on this. But she keeps telling me to not hold back, to allow this woman inside of me to come out and be herself.

Here is the problem… My brain is all messed up. I started to take anti-depressants also about 2 months ago and if anything they seem to be making me think clearer on many things, but I am feeling this pull so hard to the feminine side that I cant relax. If anything they may have encouraged my feelings more toward the feminine side. So much so, I am hating my male clothing and the only way I truly relax is when I am dressed in femme. I hate putting on my male things now… this has never been a problem in the past. I am excited about fully dressing but scared…. I never dressed more then the waist down unless it is Halloween. I do not ever see myself trying to talk female or try to act, its more about my inner feelings… to feel as a woman in as many ways as I can. I am 41, will be 42 in a couple of months….

What do you girls think has happened to me? I am really confused about this urge and why its taking me over by storm. Was I always female and male and just needed the anti-depressants to “wake me up”? Does anyone have a similar story and found a way to accept yourself and relax? I really would like some solid advice…..My SO said, Ill feel better once I learn to accept Maria and even though she claims she will, I am still scared of her (Maria) to some extent…. The next step is shaving off my go-tee and getting a wig…. But I do not want to sacrifice my male looks either.

I just do not know what to do…and why I want to be a woman. I use to look at hot women and desire them, now I am jealous of them and wish I was one or admiring her outfit and wanting to wear it too.. I want this to go away…… Can someone do a “Jedi Mind Trick” on me and make me not want to be Maria anymore?

Thank You
Maria

[RADER]

You are very Lucky to have an understanding SO.
As far as to what is happing to you, only you can answer that question.
Why don't you start out with some under-dressing, like waring a bra and
panties, and hose; under your other clothes. You can find some generic Jeans
at ladies shops anywhere. Pick a gender neutral top, and you are dresses, but not
showing it. Take baby steps and see how it goes, I bet your SO will help you pick
out things to ware. You can always dress to the 9's at home, just not outside. Best
of luck to the both of you. Rader

[Karren H]

Well I have found personally that medications can have an effect of this and accentuate the "pink fog"... After I started treatment for my pitutary gland issue.. My crossdressing came back with a vengeance. Overwhelming until I learned to live with it. Totally dominates your thoughts and actions and puts you on the "slippery slope" to feminity... Whether you can handle it or not. The big thing is understanding what's going reguardless of the causses and getting control of it... Not letting it control you...

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I wish I could help you with some magic pill or Jedi mind trick, but the truth is that you have to work through this yourself with the help of your SO and maybe a counselor or psychiatrist.

I had a similar experience with my "coming out". Mine was about 5 years ago after I had some minor surgeries. It just hit me that I wanted to be a woman, breasts and all that go with it. I imagined what it would be like to BE a woman. I've always liked women's underwear and I was always curious about what it would be like. I dabbled in crossdressing a little, but this hit me like a ton of bricks!

After some time, I did dress as a woman, got all the accessories (skirts, dresses, makeup, forms, bras, etc.). My wife was not happy about it, but she let me work my way through it. I started going out dressed and learned more about myself in the process and I am still learning.

I think you need time. With the support of your SO, I think you can come to a good understanding.

[sandra-leigh]

I had been "trying on" my wife's things under a wide variety of self-excuses (e.g., "Just checking how these look together so I'll be able to shop for her better") for several years, more and more often. I did not, however, realize that I was a cross-dresser, that I wanted to wear those things, until about 7-ish months of taking anti-depressants. And cross-dressing was better at clearing my head than any anti-depressant has ever been. I was, by the way, at pretty much your age when I realized I was a cross-dresser (43).

It is very hard to say what is cause and what is effect. I'd been living in pre-depression for several years, so taking anti-depressants would have started to clear up my thinking processes; it seems like a very reasonable hypothesis that having a clearer mind is what allowed me to recognize and process my existing cross-dressing impulses. It also seems like a reasonable hypothesis that things had been miswired in my head for numerous years, and that since the anti-depressants act in part to rebuild brain channels, that the drug had the effect of making a clearer connection to a part of my brain that was gender-conflicted.


This I can tell you: after I realized I was a cross-dresser, the desire to cross-dress has only become more pervasive in my life, and "going back" is now scarier and more unimaginable than going forward. More pervasive is not, however, the same thing as "more intense". I go out to fewer CD social events now, and I don't often bother with makeup, and I haven't even worn my expensive human-hair wig that I bought 20 months ago. I have, though, put aside nearly all of my male clothes in preparation for disposing of them: all that I wear is female clothes now. It has become less and less "glam" and more and more "settling in" and going about my daily business wearing female clothes -- like adult women do.

This fall (after 6 years of realized cross-dressing) I have had my first two appointments towards trying estrogen therapy. Some of my depression symptoms are symptoms that would show up if I had low testostrone and my body "needed" more of it rather than less. I said as much to the doctor, that my depression and my gender identity issues might or might not be related, and that possibly it is T rather than E that I need -- but that I'm hoping that is not the case. Except "hoping" isn't really a strong enough word: the idea of taking T and becoming more male makes me shudder.

You will probably change depression medication several times. Some of them may lead to you feeling less inclined to cross-dress. In my case, less inclined to cross-dress had a fair correlation to me "getting through day to day", not so happy but at least relieved that I wasn't as bad as when I was majorly depressed. People react quite differently to different drugs, though, so it could be the case that you will find a medication on which you feel quite positive about life and also feel less inclined to cross-dress (e.g., you might feel that "you no longer need it").


It is probably premature for me to judge your situation based upon one message, but based upon you saying that you want breasts and have researched hormones already, it is my personal suspicion that your gender questioning will never go away for you (unless perhaps you transition.) I know that I was conscious of wishing I had breasts at least 2 years before I realized I was a cross-dresser, but it took me more than 5 years after that to read up on hormones rather than just reading a posting here and there and being too afraid of the "everyone knows" consequences to consider hormones seriously. Indeed, I was instead looking at Breast Augmentation -- surgery is difficult for me to think about, but I was starting to feel that maybe I could get through it for the sake of having breasts, but "surely" I could never take hormones. If you are already taking the idea of hormones seriously rather than just wishing the Boob Fairly would visit you, your current internal need must be fairly high.

I would recommend that you attempt to find a gender therapist. It took me years to get to the point of feeling the need to "take control" of my gender issues, but I'm glad I'm going now. I never imagined when I started that cross-dressing and gender identity would become as important to me as it has.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Since your dressing started with a strong erotic drive, it is important to remember that some medications can increase your sex drive (Wellbutrin is one specifically), decrease it or otherwise change it. It might not be why you feel how you do, but you might want to discuss this with your doctor.

[sandra-leigh]

it is important to remember that some medications can increase your sex drive (Wellbutrin is one specifically)

It was Wellbutrin that I was taking when I realized I was a cross-dresser, but in retrospect I obviously had distinct cross-dressing impulses before I was taking anything.

I don't know if Wellbutrin increased my sex drive, but Yes, the research I did on it years ago did locate that side effect. I found a reference a few years ago to a study in which a number of women asked to continue to take Wellbutrin after the study (which was about something else completely) because they enjoyed the increase in their sex drive.

[Maria_1969]

Thanks for the replies!!

First let me address the meds… I took welbutrin about 6 months ago to help me quit smoking and my sex drive was about the same…EXTREME and my SO could not handle it as it is anyway. Going forward I took celexa and it did not really help me much, now I am on Effor XR and they totally made me feel much better and more relaxed. I am less aggressive sexually (My SO loves this) and less likely to want to rip off someone’s head in a bar. So, I really do not want to switch again… I found what works. Effexor does work some on Dopamine increases as well as serotonin. I suspect my higher dopamine is causing some of my increase in dressing fully as I experienced these urges in my past when I would play around with cocaine…. Under cocaine I would want to be a woman 100%.... There is obviously something in me that stays tamed until my brain is excited some. Like my SO says, all that is happening is I am able to relax and think clearer and my past anger was more due to repressing urges in order to feel masculine. That is the urge to feel feminine is there sometimes, it is there regardless. I currently can’t afford therapy…. I also will NOT transition as I refuse to sacrifice my male side…. I am trying to balance it. I have also has temporary urges without the use of any drugs, but they were short lived. No matter what, my addiction to pantyhose never waned.
Needless to say, she not only loves me on the meds she sees further improvement in my feminine side being expressed. Once I get changed into fem, I am 100% feeling better… more natural but without feeling more sexual, just sexier…. Interesting as it seems, I do not feel like having sex as much when in Fem mode. Go figure….. When I try, I can’t have a O.
I would not say I am unhappy as a man but I wish to be more womanly….. This holiday break I will shave my go-tee for the week and fully dress and see how it goes and if I really need that. I am one to think unless I am staring into a mirror, that dressing from the neck up would have no further positive affect but there is only one way to find out and that will be spending an entire week as a woman at home. My SO has also suggested that she may want to be intimate with me as a woman but in a submissive role… I think you gals have the idea what she means.
Vicky mentions my crossdressing started as an erotic thing, but its not true as I never even masturbated until I was 14 and been wearing hose and the occasional slip from the age of 6yo and on, well before I knew anything of sex.
I always assumed I had a fetish…. Its no longer a fetish, but a deep and wanting desire to be a man as well as a woman. Unless I develop a vagina, I may as well enjoy my life as a man as my first priority. I want my female side to be my secondary personality….
Sandra, You offer some very interesting insight…. I do not know if I need a wig and makeup as I also have to sacrifice my facial hair which I love as part of my male look. However, I figured in order to relax and come to grips with Maria, she needs to come out more and discover what she needs to feel good and feminine.
Kim, You sound like my SO in saying I need time… that’s what she says. She would back any idea of hormones and even will support me having small breasts as long as they are not too big to mask in male mode. Honestly though, as much as the idea is interesting, I came to the conclusion that some things should just remain a fantasy…. She has awesome breasts herself and a 10 body, so Ill let her be the physical woman and I will just try to be one in mind and spirit. Even I had to draw my own line….Let me ask, what is it like to have breasts? Is it as good as you thought it would be?
Yes, I am lucky to have a very supportive SO, she even says she is looking forward to me not only being her husband soon, but her best girlfriend as well. She is slowing seeing Maria develop and she is very much liking it…. Here I am remembering when I was with her for that first week and she was not thrilled I like to wear pantyhose and the occasional skirt… now, she cant wait to help me shop more.
She is already comfortable with me developing Maria, why is I am not? This is driving me nuts….. Am I afraid of losing my pride as a man?
You gals really have made me feel somewhat better…. I guess I need to go slow and allow her to develop and see what happens. Maybe Ill put on a wig and makeup and hate myself and I will never do it again. I will find out very soon….. or Ill chicken out and wait a bit longer before the wig and makeup phase (am afraid of liking it too much). At this point, dressing from the neck down is a thrill already, not a sexual one, just one where I am at some peace with my soul.

Maria

[Dana]

You're doing the same many of us do ~ As a retired United States Marine Gunney ~ Drill Instrucor ~ Your fighting the "Girl" that's within you ~ that's fighting to get out!

Your SO (A GG) recognizes that you as my last LTR GF said "Your part Girl" and she recoginzes your want, need, and desire to express your femminine side / your femmianlity!

Many women don't even have that?

Many women are absoletly clueless to feminity ~ they are just people and humans and just know about being who they are ~ LOVING, CARING, GIVING ~ GIVE A DAM ~ HUMAN BEINGS!

But clueless about such things as feminity ~ could care less about make up, lip stick, and such?

Panties? To them its nothing more than underwear?

Slips? Just something to under-cover a dress?

Quit fighting it and accept yourself for who are!

[Maria_1969]

Dana,

my SO, a GG, tells me the same thing... Just accept it and embrace it. You have some valid points, I also think many women take feminity for granted. Some do not even fully apreciate their power and appeal as women. My SO, is very femine, she wears dresses, skirts and hose almost every day at work (she steals my hose since I wont buy junk like Leggs and Nononsence... lol). I do see many benefits of the feminine side, its very calming and I am way more caring when in fem.

I guess you are or were a mans, man... a Gunny in the Marines is usually a pretty bad-ass dude. Maybe we are all so busy trying to be manly men in the world that our fem side must be embraced just to unwind.

I am holding her back, my SO wants her to come out but to not rush it and make sure if done right I will not do anything to revert. She is taking a very active roll in my development and in a way things its healthy. I will calm and accept myself I am sure, but I guess Maria needs to be fully out to know what it is I am accepting.... My SO is going as far as calling me Maria in bed, I am not sure thats good or not, but it does sound nice.

:-)

Maria (Dana, thank you for the service to our country)

[Alice B]

I think that your urge to further your female side is not all that unusual, based upon your long background of partial dressing and age. The fact that your SO is so accepting and wants you to explore your urges is a major plus that many of us would love to have. I say go with the flow and see where it takes you. I think your are strongly accepting of your male role and that it will not be threatened. But, a lot of fun awaits you if you are willing to take the road. Good luck.

[sandra-leigh]

I have difficulty now remembering everything I went through. Wellbutrin was an absolute marvel at getting me functioning again, but was not necessarily the best for repairing the brain. I believe I took Effexor XR for a time, but I do not recall the effect on me now... I think it was one I had to give up because it disturbed my sleep before. Seraquil, on the other hand, was extremely bad mojo for me: apparently it is good for most people, but it dragged me down to nearly non-functional in a small number of weeks, with even one pill making me groggy for 18 hours. There was one medication that was doing good things to my mood, but had the side effect that I had very vivid dreams all night, involved intricate and imaginative dreams, highly creative -- I enjoyed them a fair bit, but I never got "restorative sleep" needed to cleanse the toxins from my body. A couple of anti-depressants were... okay... but tended to leave me hyper and with difficulty in sleeping at night. And one of the medications made me hungry all of the time... I think that might have been the effexor. Apparently that happens to about 12% of patients on that drug, and if it happens to you the medical advice is to Stop Doing That.

The one I am on now is keeping me going, but I'm pretty poor at doing my actual work these days. Distractions find me easily, including responding to detailed questions. It isn't my technical skills that are gone now, it is something in my initiative. There were, though, to be sure, some drugs where simple mathematics would cause me to pound my head in frustration that I couldn't understand the concept that day :(

[Sophie86]

It seems to be a combination of the meds and something that happens to a lot of crossdressers after they hit 40. Whether it's a drop in testosterone, or an increase in confidence and self-acceptance, a lot of men find that their femme side seems to blossom later in life. You are very fortunate to have a supportive SO. My advice is to enjoy it, but be cautious about making any permanent changes. You don't want to end up with buyer's remorse.

[sissystephanie]

Maria, I was not going to reply to this thread, but after reading some of the replies I felt I had to. There has been talk of medications and then the talk of you fighting the "girl within you!" All that is maybe good reading material, but it isn't going to be a darn bit of help to you! Reread Karren's first post. Her last sentance says everything that needs to be said. You have to use your own mind to decided why you feel the way you do, and LEARN TO CONTROL IT!! As sister CD's we want to help whenever we can, but what you are asking for is something that comes only from within yourself!!

No one is forcing you to dress enfemme. You do it because you want to, for whatever reason. So only YOU can stop the urge that you have!! And resulting to medication is, to me at least, a cowards way out!! Use your own mind!!

[Lucy Long Legs]

This is a fascinating thread and much of this rings true. I too have dressed since my teens and I "came out " to my wife about 15 years ago. She too welcomed it and helped me dress, bought clothes and make up and joined in the spirit of my dressing in every way.
However, it is easy for us to forget when to turn back on our journey and there came a moment when she said "this is enough, no further". Thank goodness. I suppose this point is different for all of us, but when it comes to going out in public among complete strangers or, worse, drugs and surgery that is a step too far for us.
I know people who do these things and I find it self-deluding and embarrassing, but do not condemn them for it.
My advice is to pursue your dressing as far as you can at home and possibly among like minded and understanding people but go no further.

[Maria_1969]

stehanie,

I like the fact you are blunt... I wont argue with your point either, but the urge to crossdress has to be satisified or I just stay cranky... I am NOT saying the meds increased my thoughts, my SO made it clear that they just help me think clearer and the result is allowing the feminine side to expand and not hold back.

so you know, My SO is following this thread and loved your reply... the part that it has to come from within myself.

Sophie,
I will have fun... you all made me feel better some, its not like I can call on a bunch of friends with this.... I want to get to know some of you perhaps and this is the only pace I can talk and feel normal. The next step is to feel normal reguardless of what I think.

Karen,
Not letting it control me will be my priority task starting this week..... I will hold off on the wig and keep enjoying the neck down dressing for awhile and come to grips with feeling feminine. My SO has been great, I have dresses, many shoes and skirts and more pantyhose then Macy's.

Lucy,
Your point is well taken... but I do plan to fully drees on Halloween and be in public (its a thrill), I have done so before and its a great day to do it without shame.

Thank you all for the replies.... I just wanted to know what others felt about themself and how I could apply that to myself.

[Karren H]

God I love a happy ending... Or the start of one at least... So when can I borrow the Harley? I always wanted to answer the age old question.... At what speed does a halter top come flying off! Lol.

[meri]

Maria,
Remember that a part of "you" is attempting to emerge. It isn't an infection or some foreign agent, this is part of you. It's a part of you that you have learned to repress, to hide, to pretend it isn't there. You have held it back so effectively, ignored it so completely, that it's back with a vengeance! Stronger than ever, this side of you will be "known". Push back again, it may go away, but it will be back. It's you, it's not going away permanently.

Your best course of action is acceptance of yourself and your feelings and interest. Love yourself, all of yourself -- you are worthy of love! When you reach acceptance (you will eventually, this process is relentless!), then work on integration. The final result isn't TS for everyone. You may be able to successfully integrate your entire personality to the point where gender identity is no longer a question in your mind. You are simply, you. You dress according to your mood for the moment and appropriately depending on the situation.

Women, for the most part, seem to operate this way already. I am seen them change masculine acting/dress to extreme feminine in the course of a single day. They don't need to repress their masculine side to the extent we repress our feminine side. Hence, when their boy wants to come out a play, they toss on a pair of jeans and head out the door. No one thinks any less of them.

You are evolving my friend and you are doing very well, the ride will be bumpy, but in the end you will be much better for the process! Don't fight it, manage it.

[Maria_1969]

Karen,
The dress flies up at 30mph…. I was a witch for the last 4 years on Halloween and my SO the black cat for the last 3, the motorcycle is the witches broom complete with brooms out the back, tombstone on windshield, lighted skull on handlebars and red lighted gargoyle on the back of the rear seat rest (sissy bar) and many witchy decals…. I won first prize each year and even dyed white pantyhose to match the green paint on my face. We pulled out onto the main road near where I live and we had to go back home where I put on fishnets over the pantyhose so I can safety pin the dress to the fishnets. the SO likes to refer to the bike as her 800lb vibrator! LOL

Meri,
Great reply and my SO will fully agree once she reads it…. I have to be hard and tough in the scene I am in including when I go to the clubhouse for a local MC that’s very intimidating to most. I may have very well tried to keep my fem side held back and all the drugs (anti-depressants) are doing is allowing me to feel more like…. Me.
You girls and guys have been GREAT! This is a happier ending to my new beginning…..

Its not the beginning of the end, its just the end of the beginning – Sir Winston Churchill.

Thank You all…. there is no greater gift then to have like minded people help another feel good about themself.
Maria

[Olivia2]

In my own life and as you can see on other threads recently posted on the forum, the desire to dress and feel feminine waxes and wanes. Don't be alarmed at the strong desire going on right now, but just deal with it as you feel best with all the advice you have been offered on this thread. At some point it will likely diminish for a period and emerge strongly again and then diminish again, etc.

In my own life, I often don't act on the mood to dress en femme when it hits strongly and it passes soon, and I just go on with my life, but that is the choice that I make. I also tend to present with a softer male persona most of the time, so my need to express my femme side in contrast to a more traditional male side is not as strong as others' might be, including yours from what you have posted.

Meri's post says a lot about just attending to your mood in the moment and choosing how you wish to express yourself at that time.

[Aprilrain]

God I love a happy ending... Or the start of one at least... So when can I borrow the Harley? I always wanted to answer the age old question.... At what speed does a halter top come flying off! Lol.

Karren I'll sell you my Harley! Anyway it 75 mph. Oh shit did I just say that!

[Cari]

I can only share my own story: I was on no meds at all : in my mid to late 30's I felt a much stronger pull to crossdress. Indulging that desire did help me come to terms with it and find some balance.

By far what helped the most was joining a local support group and getting out for a Girls nite out. In my case there was no substitute for talking to others like me. This forum is a great place for that.

[meri]

Maria,
Another thought... when we were very little (those years you don't remember), we were "corrected" and "trained". Any behavior that was incorrect for our gender was gently corrected. Dolls were taken away and replaced with play tools and erector sets. We were told to act our age and as boys, told to go outside and play with the boys. Over time, this message becomes ingrained in our minds, like the way a song gets stuck, but on a much larger and absorbing scale. This "mantra" which was forced upon us becomes part of us. We carry it with us all our lives.

Well, when you take an interest in expressing the natural, inborn, God-given to all, feminine aspects of your personality, the mantra cranks up and begins to echo all the "stuff" you were handed as you grew up. That is what is causing the confusion...

The only remedy is to acknowledge the little voice and then correct "it". Eventually, you can reprogram it.

There is nothing wrong with expressing the feminine aspects of YOUR personality, it is as natural as a gentle rain.

To thy own self be true, wherever that takes you!

[Jilmac]

Maria, From your story it seems as if all the suppressed feminine feelings from 38 years are coming out. Perhaps gushing out would be a better term. There are parts of your story I can certainly relate to, the first part being the early age. When I was 7 a cousin dared me to wear panties and a dress. I did it but was scared out of my wits that he would bring all his friends to see me that way, but when I saw myself in the dress and felt the smoothness of the panties on my skin, I was hooked. I had three older sisters with plenty of clothes to experiment with and when I was 15 I was dressing as often as I could. Now mind you, I was 15 in 1960 and it was unheard of for a boy to like wearing girls clothes.

Another part of your story I can relate to is maintaining the masculine image. I did a four year hitch in the navy, served an apprenticeship in the carpentry trade, worked in the trades all my life, had a full bushy red beard, and still dressed whenever the opportunity arose. Unlike you I had two wives who wanted nothing to do with my dressing (they both knew before I married them), so I kept it hidden until 2007 when my second wife died. That's when I shaved off my beard and was able to accept myself as Jill.

From 1960 till 2007 I often questioned my masculinity, went to threapy twice, purged so many times I lost count and was in constant fear of being caught by family or friends. I never took anti depressants but my mind was on a roller coaster all the while I was in the closet with my dressing. I finally realized that my feminine side is an integral part of me, will be with me for life and no matter what I do, will never go away. I have reconciled my life to the point where I can be the male when I have to and the female when I want to.

I hope with all the other replys and mine you can reconcile your own feelings and have the ability to present both sides of yourself.

[docrobbysherry]

After dressing in private for 10 years, I came out online 3 years ago and went NUTS dressing every chance I got, day, nite, weekends, whenever!:doh:
I ended up ODing and had NO DESIRE to dress for 3 months!:eek:

I found my "balance" by allowing Sherry to appear whenever I felt the need. And, to NOT dress when I wasn't feeling it! Now, I dress about twice a month. However, u can SEE from my avatars the DEGREE my dressing has progressed to!:brolleyes:

Coincidently, or not, I BEGAN dressing when I started on prostate medications!:straightface:

[sissystephanie]

Maria, I have been a CD for more than 60 years, discounting my military service and the 5 years that I voluntarily quit CD'ing. During my CD time I have done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people with knowledge about what we do. And yes, I am blunt most of the time! As a child I was taught to tell the truth, even if it hurt to do so. Your responses indicate that you have learned some things from this thead, and that is all we can ask!

Best wishes to you and your SO!!

[Christy_M]

I can totally understand the deep drive to get feminine. Like the Gunney said, there are a lot of us who go over the top to create an image of masculinity in order to keep anyone from knowing our deep dark secret desire to be feminine. I joined the Marine Corps in the hopes that they would cure me. Of course they didn't. I have gone through my life (now 45) doing more and more to keep the facade that I am an incredibly macho guy. In the last few months I have decided that more and more of my female side needs time in the sun. I have dressed more and more, I have driven up and down the west coast totally en femme, I have gone out to an LGBT spot to be with other TG folks. I have even shopped en femme. I would have never done these things when I was younger. I can't explain the sudden disregard for boundries that I placed on myself so many years ago. I really can't explaing why this need is making me go even outside my comfort zone by putting me in situation that I would have never imagined myself being.

I can't speak for the drugs. I haven't been on them since high school so do not have a point of reference like others. I do believe that drugs don't make you do anything you are not already programmed to do. It is like getting really drunk and sleeping with a guy - that stuff doesn't "just happen" without some other feelings being rooted somewhere within.

Like Karren said, figure out how you feel about it and then work towards controlling it. I have just recently got Christy under control and my wallet is much happier becasue of it. Of course my savings account is empty so that probably helped curtail any further spending... :)

We are here for if you need to talk. It is really hard opening up but with the anonymity provided by this forum, maybe you can ask for help easier without having to deal with all those machismo stereotypes of letting others help and support you. In any case, good luck as you and your SO find out who Maria really is.

Christy

[Maria_1969]

You all have made me feel much better! I been a member here for about 14 months and not have interacted much. At the time I felt a tad out of place because my feminine side was only a mere curiosity and I was really only into wearing pantyhose and occasionally a skirt and shoes. Over the last 2 months it hit me like a ton of bricks… I swear even my nipples have become more sensitive over the last 4 weeks. I never felt anything so strong come over me for such a sustained time period of more than a week or 2 at most.

My SO is telling me to relax and go with it and discover myself with her support and companionship and you, more experienced ones have the kind if insight I can be comfortable with.
I was not trying to gain confidence coming out in this thread. I think I was trying to understand it better with my own feelings as the topic, not the feelings of others in other threads I have read. At this point I have a future wife as long as she does NOT lose her man and I respect that boundary and do not see any reason to think I need to go past that point. It’s not like I’ll ever have a vaJJ and a true female brain and chemistry. I have to reach a point I relax with it as it will become and enjoy it… It may drop off some too or get more intense, only because I am in the discovery phase. My SO does also love my expertise in pantyhose brands and styles…Especially the tip on how to keep pantyhose from sagging throughout the day. LOL

Thank you ALL very much for taking time for some GREAT replies. Ill just embrace dressing from the neck down and see if I need more or less to feel as another put it… balanced.

Maria

[Tima]

I just do not know what to do…and why I want to be a woman. I use to look at hot women and desire them, now I am jealous of them and wish I was one or admiring her outfit and wanting to wear it too.. I want this to go away…… Can someone do a “Jedi Mind Trick” on me and make me not want to be Maria anymore?

Seems to me you would be doing yourself a disservice by stopping your “Maria” activity. Why can’t you embrace yourself and relax? You went to all the trouble of getting an account here (as Maria), yet you do not wish to be “her?” Just roll with it, accept it, and be it, because it won’t go away and shouldn’t go away. How can you discard part of yourself and expect to remain whole? This gender-divide is not something that is desirable, or warranted, and I would guess that outsiders are influencing your decisions – only you know best. Keep Maria and be happy, I say, or learn to be happy, with your co-joined gender characteristics. It’s the only way, really.
:)

[suchacutie]

My wife and I discovered my femme side, Tina, together. We quickly made some agreements about how that would go, and one was that when she wanted her "man", she got him. I can't find anything wrong with that since afterall I entered into our relationship as a man. We keep the masculine and feminine sides very separate, and we keep the lines of communication very open!

Have fun with it!

tina

[Rita C.]

Maria, I have read all the posting and all the girls are telling you like it is. I can relate to what you are going through ( I think we all can) but you are so lucky to have a SO to suport you. I am as lucky as you, my SO stands behind me in all my TG feelings and as time goes by you will get a hold of it. In all it is great to have male and female feelings, even if the female side is stronder.

[Maria_1969]

When I wrote the above I felt emotional about it and in a way, yes, my life would probably be easier without this feminine pull. As you can read on all the replies I got and my own replies there are some awesome people in the forum that really made me feel better. I will be working on a few things to embrace my feminine side and no longer reject it. After all, with a supporting SO, this makes it much easier as well.

One of the things I will do, is spend much more time here, not just reading but being a part of things. I do hope to eventually make some friends as well, maybe even meet another sister one day. All my male friends are bikers and we are all hard men so I never really learned to embrace the femininity my own self wants to feel. My past dressing experiences were obviously more then just curiosity perhaps. I know now, that I feel ALIVE when I feel feminine. I feel so good in women’s clothing I do not even look for sex with my SO. I feel at peace and very natural being dressed feminine. I hate the fact I have to even wear men’s clothing these days.

I do love my male self though, make no mistake. I guess, I just wanted to feel NORMAL…. Others in this thread made me feel very normal.

Now, I am a part of the sisterhood here and I do hope to not only be a friend to some, but to also be able to help other girls embrace their feminine side as I am learning to do with mine.

Maria, well, she is in me and wants to stay…. :-)

Now, if I can only stop being jealous of GG’s…. lol