Starla
12-13-2010, 09:16 PM
I thought I’d plunge headlong into this forum by offering some well-considered thoughts on passing and public crossdressing. (This is a looong post...take a potty break and grab a snack first.) Though I have not been dressing for many years (read my introductory post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?144991-Saying-quot-hello-quot-here-s-my-sad-and-sordid-saga.....) if you want to know why), I spent a lot of time in public as Starla back in what I like to refer to as my “Pink Period” (about 120 years ago, or so it seems). I hope some of you will find these thoughts of value, especially if you are making your first fledgling steps into public. Whatever you’re considering doing, I’ve been there, and speak from experience. Hopefully, this treatise won’t be TOO long, boring, disjointed, or self-contradictory. (You be the judge...)
Number one rule: be safe. When considering an outing, ask yourself “would a genetic female do this?” If the answer is “no,” don’t. I’ve seen many YouTube videos of crossdressers skulking around deserted parking garages, walking past closed shops on a lifeless street at night, etc. – yikes! :doh: Why not just wear a neon sign that says, “Victim Available Here?” Use your head. Believe it or not, you will pass better (and be much safer) in a crowded, well-lit, busy environment than anywhere else. This is a lesson most novice girls need to learn when venturing outside the privacy of their home or hotel room – crowds are cover. The more people and bustle and activity and noise going on around you, the more you become just a tiny speck in the overall tableau of society. If you’re just one of the varied multitudes, you are far less likely to be an object of attention and scrutiny (or violence) than you would be in a quiet, dark, isolated setting. The first time I went into public fully dressed, it was to a huge, crowded shopping mall at the height of the annual Christmas shopping madness. People were focused on finding bargains, not on systematically dissecting the perceived gender of that kind of tall, chunky woman-looking-thing with the big hands.
For your first few forays into public, you might benefit by being accompanied by an escort. Having someone with you for support will help calm your nerves. It also helps convey the image and minimizes attention – if you are with someone who is talking to you and relating to you as a female, others will tend to follow suit. Consider a GG friend who is unquestionably female – you’ll just look like two girlfriends on a shopping excursion or lunch date. Even better, a male escort will just cast you into the assumed role of wife or girlfriend in the eyes of others. If you are not “out” to any male friends, think about asking a CD friend if they will accompany you in drab. That first public outing en femme mentioned above was with the male roommate of a TS friend, and having him at my side went a long way towards making me feel secure.
Dress appropriately for the venue. Budding crossdressers tend to be overly fixated on their wardrobe, and want to dress to the nines for every occasion. It’s not the 1950’s, and as much as we adored June Cleaver (R.I.P., Barbara Billingsley :sad:), women do not do their grocery shopping in pearls, designer dresses, and heels. Save those 4-inch f**k-me-pumps for the club, not Wal-Mart. And a tasteful, but elegant cocktail dress may be just right for a string quartet recital, but stick out like a sore thumb in the buffet line at Sizzler. Dress nicely, but let people notice you for your casual beauty, not because you look like you just came from a costume party.
No matter how you look as a woman, no matter what your perceived flaws, remember that there are plenty of humans out there who lack your Y-chromosome, but nonetheless share those things. There are women who are unusually tall, or have broad shoulders, or big feet, or deep voices. There are even a (small, admittedly) handful of women who have visible adam’s apples. (Think Ann Coulter....well, though in my mind her gender status is still an open question.) :raisedeyebrow: I always like to point out that, at one of the jobs I worked as a female way back when, my boss was taller than me, had a deeper voice than me, and had smaller boobs than me. But no one would have ever questioned her gender.
Attitude and self-image can go a long way towards trumping appearance. You have to carry yourself in a manner that says, “I have as much right to be here, dressed as I choose, as anyone else.” An excessive concern with what others think is to tacitly believe that you must have their permission and approval to be in that public place. By doing so, you have given others power over you that they do not deserve. Act like you belong there, not like you’re invading someone else’s space.
Your attitude dictates your body language, and how you carry yourself is just as important, if not more so, than how you look. Skulking around, constantly glancing over your shoulder, walking on an erratic path or aimlessly wandering, avoiding eye contact – all of these are things that will call attention to yourself even if your appearance is flawless. (In fact, it’s just this sort of behavior that catches the eye of security guards looking for shoplifters!) Look guilty and ashamed of what you are doing, and people will notice.
When dealing directly with people (sales clerks, waitpersons, fellow shoppers), smile and make eye contact. A simple and sincere smile can go a long way towards defusing any initial discomfort or confusion. Your smile says, “I’m happy and comfortable with myself and this encounter – so should you be.” Look them directly in the eye, speak to them clearly and in a friendly manner, and treat them with the same respect you desire for yourself. But if you mumble, talk to the floor, look anywhere but at their face, fidget, and in general act ashamed or like you’ve got something to hide, they will be just as uncomfortable and nervous as you are.
In an ironic sense, passing as successfully as possible has a lot to do with not caring about being read. The more obsessed you are with passing, the more your behavior will give you away. Focus on the task at hand, not on trying to assess the reactions of others. You’re there to shop for a dress, or eat a meal, or socialize with a friend, or browse that art festival or listen to that concert. Dressing in public should not be thought of as a performance to be reviewed, or a test to be graded.
It’s also important to deal with how you react when you are read. And, trust me, you WILL be read. Even the most petite, attractive, and feminine among you will be read by someone, somewhere. And the average CDer is probably clocked far more often than they ever consciously realize. Most of these reads go unnoticed because we’re taught from the time we are small children not to stare or point or laugh at someone who is different. In other words, many who read you will never say anything or react broadly out of simple politeness. Sure, once you are gone, they may snicker with their friends or co-workers, or laughingly mention you to their family at dinner, or their buddies at the sports bar, but they’re most likely not going to confront you or hassle you on the spot. Believe it or not, there are not hordes of tranny-haters out there ready to scare up a posse and come after you with torches and pitchforks because you dared to walk through the mall in a skirt and heels. A lot of people will read you and move on without comment or confrontation simply because they don’t care and/or have far more pressing tasks at hand and things on their minds to get all worked up over seeing a guy in a dress. And (listen carefully), getting read is NO BIG DEAL. It’s not the end of the world, and will not leave permanent scars, nor raise your insurance rates. Just shrug it off (better, laugh it off) and press on. And how you handle a read can help in some tiny way towards better understanding and tolerance – deal with it gracefully, politely, and with perhaps a little gentle self-deprecating humor, and maybe that person will be just a tad more inclined in the future to view the transgendered a little less harshly or ignorantly. Let a read be an opportunity to put a human face on TGism, and make it a little less abstract and scary.
But, alas, there will be those few who make an excessive fuss – the idjits, the boors, the jerkasses – who feel it is their mission in life to point, stare, laugh at, insult, and berate anyone who doesn’t conform to their pathetically narrow concept of how others should look or act. There is no set manner in which to deal with these mental midgets; it depends on the setting, their actions, and your personality. Just ignoring them is best. But I’ve also known girls who defuse situations like this with subtle humor or diversion tactics. One CDer I used to know would react to verbal comments like “Hey, there’s a dude dressed like a chick!” by looking at them and exclaiming, “Really?” then looking around and saying, “Where??” Some girls I’ve known carried a bit more of their masculine side under their female exterior and would directly confront the lowlifes. “Yeah, so I’m a guy in a dress.....what of it?” (While most bullies are cowards at heart, and will turn tail if so addressed, I don’t recommend this approach unless you outweigh them, have taken a few martial arts courses, and don’t mind breaking a nail on a right cross, or scuffing the toe of your pumps as you execute that perfectly-placed groin kick....) :D
OK, I’m kidding there – as I said earlier, ignoring them is still the best course of action. They are looking for a reaction; they want you to be humiliated and run or hide or look ashamed. If you simply soldier on as if they are not there, they will tend to lose interest and soon look around for their next target of derision. Just remember: you are a person of worth and value; they are slime. You’re better than they are by miles; they do not deserve your concern or attention. They’re the fools, not you.
Well, as Forrest Gump would say, “That’s all I have to say about that.” Hope everyone can find something of value in that mess somewhere. Blessings or brickbats gratefully accepted.
I’m outta here,
Starla
Number one rule: be safe. When considering an outing, ask yourself “would a genetic female do this?” If the answer is “no,” don’t. I’ve seen many YouTube videos of crossdressers skulking around deserted parking garages, walking past closed shops on a lifeless street at night, etc. – yikes! :doh: Why not just wear a neon sign that says, “Victim Available Here?” Use your head. Believe it or not, you will pass better (and be much safer) in a crowded, well-lit, busy environment than anywhere else. This is a lesson most novice girls need to learn when venturing outside the privacy of their home or hotel room – crowds are cover. The more people and bustle and activity and noise going on around you, the more you become just a tiny speck in the overall tableau of society. If you’re just one of the varied multitudes, you are far less likely to be an object of attention and scrutiny (or violence) than you would be in a quiet, dark, isolated setting. The first time I went into public fully dressed, it was to a huge, crowded shopping mall at the height of the annual Christmas shopping madness. People were focused on finding bargains, not on systematically dissecting the perceived gender of that kind of tall, chunky woman-looking-thing with the big hands.
For your first few forays into public, you might benefit by being accompanied by an escort. Having someone with you for support will help calm your nerves. It also helps convey the image and minimizes attention – if you are with someone who is talking to you and relating to you as a female, others will tend to follow suit. Consider a GG friend who is unquestionably female – you’ll just look like two girlfriends on a shopping excursion or lunch date. Even better, a male escort will just cast you into the assumed role of wife or girlfriend in the eyes of others. If you are not “out” to any male friends, think about asking a CD friend if they will accompany you in drab. That first public outing en femme mentioned above was with the male roommate of a TS friend, and having him at my side went a long way towards making me feel secure.
Dress appropriately for the venue. Budding crossdressers tend to be overly fixated on their wardrobe, and want to dress to the nines for every occasion. It’s not the 1950’s, and as much as we adored June Cleaver (R.I.P., Barbara Billingsley :sad:), women do not do their grocery shopping in pearls, designer dresses, and heels. Save those 4-inch f**k-me-pumps for the club, not Wal-Mart. And a tasteful, but elegant cocktail dress may be just right for a string quartet recital, but stick out like a sore thumb in the buffet line at Sizzler. Dress nicely, but let people notice you for your casual beauty, not because you look like you just came from a costume party.
No matter how you look as a woman, no matter what your perceived flaws, remember that there are plenty of humans out there who lack your Y-chromosome, but nonetheless share those things. There are women who are unusually tall, or have broad shoulders, or big feet, or deep voices. There are even a (small, admittedly) handful of women who have visible adam’s apples. (Think Ann Coulter....well, though in my mind her gender status is still an open question.) :raisedeyebrow: I always like to point out that, at one of the jobs I worked as a female way back when, my boss was taller than me, had a deeper voice than me, and had smaller boobs than me. But no one would have ever questioned her gender.
Attitude and self-image can go a long way towards trumping appearance. You have to carry yourself in a manner that says, “I have as much right to be here, dressed as I choose, as anyone else.” An excessive concern with what others think is to tacitly believe that you must have their permission and approval to be in that public place. By doing so, you have given others power over you that they do not deserve. Act like you belong there, not like you’re invading someone else’s space.
Your attitude dictates your body language, and how you carry yourself is just as important, if not more so, than how you look. Skulking around, constantly glancing over your shoulder, walking on an erratic path or aimlessly wandering, avoiding eye contact – all of these are things that will call attention to yourself even if your appearance is flawless. (In fact, it’s just this sort of behavior that catches the eye of security guards looking for shoplifters!) Look guilty and ashamed of what you are doing, and people will notice.
When dealing directly with people (sales clerks, waitpersons, fellow shoppers), smile and make eye contact. A simple and sincere smile can go a long way towards defusing any initial discomfort or confusion. Your smile says, “I’m happy and comfortable with myself and this encounter – so should you be.” Look them directly in the eye, speak to them clearly and in a friendly manner, and treat them with the same respect you desire for yourself. But if you mumble, talk to the floor, look anywhere but at their face, fidget, and in general act ashamed or like you’ve got something to hide, they will be just as uncomfortable and nervous as you are.
In an ironic sense, passing as successfully as possible has a lot to do with not caring about being read. The more obsessed you are with passing, the more your behavior will give you away. Focus on the task at hand, not on trying to assess the reactions of others. You’re there to shop for a dress, or eat a meal, or socialize with a friend, or browse that art festival or listen to that concert. Dressing in public should not be thought of as a performance to be reviewed, or a test to be graded.
It’s also important to deal with how you react when you are read. And, trust me, you WILL be read. Even the most petite, attractive, and feminine among you will be read by someone, somewhere. And the average CDer is probably clocked far more often than they ever consciously realize. Most of these reads go unnoticed because we’re taught from the time we are small children not to stare or point or laugh at someone who is different. In other words, many who read you will never say anything or react broadly out of simple politeness. Sure, once you are gone, they may snicker with their friends or co-workers, or laughingly mention you to their family at dinner, or their buddies at the sports bar, but they’re most likely not going to confront you or hassle you on the spot. Believe it or not, there are not hordes of tranny-haters out there ready to scare up a posse and come after you with torches and pitchforks because you dared to walk through the mall in a skirt and heels. A lot of people will read you and move on without comment or confrontation simply because they don’t care and/or have far more pressing tasks at hand and things on their minds to get all worked up over seeing a guy in a dress. And (listen carefully), getting read is NO BIG DEAL. It’s not the end of the world, and will not leave permanent scars, nor raise your insurance rates. Just shrug it off (better, laugh it off) and press on. And how you handle a read can help in some tiny way towards better understanding and tolerance – deal with it gracefully, politely, and with perhaps a little gentle self-deprecating humor, and maybe that person will be just a tad more inclined in the future to view the transgendered a little less harshly or ignorantly. Let a read be an opportunity to put a human face on TGism, and make it a little less abstract and scary.
But, alas, there will be those few who make an excessive fuss – the idjits, the boors, the jerkasses – who feel it is their mission in life to point, stare, laugh at, insult, and berate anyone who doesn’t conform to their pathetically narrow concept of how others should look or act. There is no set manner in which to deal with these mental midgets; it depends on the setting, their actions, and your personality. Just ignoring them is best. But I’ve also known girls who defuse situations like this with subtle humor or diversion tactics. One CDer I used to know would react to verbal comments like “Hey, there’s a dude dressed like a chick!” by looking at them and exclaiming, “Really?” then looking around and saying, “Where??” Some girls I’ve known carried a bit more of their masculine side under their female exterior and would directly confront the lowlifes. “Yeah, so I’m a guy in a dress.....what of it?” (While most bullies are cowards at heart, and will turn tail if so addressed, I don’t recommend this approach unless you outweigh them, have taken a few martial arts courses, and don’t mind breaking a nail on a right cross, or scuffing the toe of your pumps as you execute that perfectly-placed groin kick....) :D
OK, I’m kidding there – as I said earlier, ignoring them is still the best course of action. They are looking for a reaction; they want you to be humiliated and run or hide or look ashamed. If you simply soldier on as if they are not there, they will tend to lose interest and soon look around for their next target of derision. Just remember: you are a person of worth and value; they are slime. You’re better than they are by miles; they do not deserve your concern or attention. They’re the fools, not you.
Well, as Forrest Gump would say, “That’s all I have to say about that.” Hope everyone can find something of value in that mess somewhere. Blessings or brickbats gratefully accepted.
I’m outta here,
Starla