AMENDED? how much control

[deebra]

I apoligize for offending everyone that read and contributed to this post. I spoke to strongly. After a couple of days went by I reread all the posts and understand where some of you are coming from and agree. My point was a CD is born with needs and desires and they cannot be dismissed such as turning off a light switch. If a mate finds out her husband is wearing feminine underwear and says stop it, no more ever, then thats not fair to him.

[KateW]

Although in fairness to the partner, it is probably something that she/he should have been informed of before they got married, so they could fairly know what they were signing up to. Of course, each situation is different but thats my two pence! x

[Karren H]

If she didn't sign up for it and didn't fully know what she was getting into... And she doesn't like it then she has every right in the world to object.... Marriage is a partnership of equals.... If a compromise can't be reached then the union should be dissolved... Imho.

[BRANDYJ]

In your other thread you said: [quote]In responce and to clarify to those that think I am a real hard a__, in my relationship with my SO of 10 years we are very loving, considerate and compromising and show respect and consideration of each other, but we respect each others right to" notgive in just to get along". We donot agree on politics and never will, most other things we agree100%. As this post has shown and in most homes across America women rule the roost and the men are submissive to achieve peace and get along. I am not one of them. Simply put, if I choose to wear panties its my individual right and a controlling wife or SO does not have the right to tell me no. My SO agrees

Sorry, I'm not buying it. Even in the above statement, you contradict yourself. "we are very loving, considerate and compromising and show respect and consideration of each other"... Then you go on to say, "Simply put, if I choose to wear panties its my individual right and a controlling wife or SO does not have the right to tell me no".

It is not very loving, considerate, respectful or compromising for you to dress in panties if your wife has a reason to ask you not to wear panties. It's not a matter of her having a "right" to tell you what to wear. But she sure has a right to object for whatever reason she might have. And if you were loving, considerate and respectful of her, you would find a compromise to make her happy.

I happen to be submissive to my SO because I enjoy being submissive to her, and am proud to be submissive to her. It's my choice. Some of us men do not need to rule the roost and love and respect our wives or So's enough to give in to what makes her happy and yes, even on some issues we wish we did not have to.
You come across as one of those Neanderthal guys that thinks men are superior to women and that women have to put up with what the man of the house says. Your first thread on this topic and the way you put everyone down for their opinion and not agreeing with you pretty much proves it.

[Pythos]

I do have to interject however. When I hear the line "the person did not sign up for this, or that" Well I need to say...So what?

So what the husband hid they were a crossdresser. With how society has conditioned most people is it any wonder the fact was hidden?

Any way, why do people react so strongly to discovering this? Why is it such a big deal, big enough to break up mariages that are supposed to be "through better or worse" "till death do you part", and stuff?

I do agree with Seamed Stockings though. Honesty is the best policy....but only if most are honest.

[7sisters]

I echo Karen. If a compromise cannot be reached, it is sensible and civil to dissolve the marriage.

[Miss Misery]

I do have to interject however. When I hear the line "the person did not sign up for this, or that" Well I need to say...So what?

So what the husband hid they were a crossdresser. With how society has conditioned most people is it any wonder the fact was hidden?

Any way, why do people react so strongly to discovering this? Why is it such a big deal, big enough to break up mariages that are supposed to be "through better or worse" "till death do you part", and stuff?

I do agree with Seamed Stockings though. Honesty is the best policy....but only if most are honest.

I agree with Pythos here.

There are plenty of things that show up after folks get married that they could argue they "didn't sign up for" but most of those would be considered foolish reasons to divorce. I'll bet most (not all) women would feel that their husbands are way sloppier now than they were when they first were going out. Didn't sign up to be the personal housekeeper but do they divorce over it? Not likely.

And I'll take my honesty position again. I bet many women have not a clue what it means to CD (except for the standard societal stereotype) and, when presented with that fact early in a relationship, might bale out before ever fully knowing the person behind the CDing or what it really means. I asked my wife that straight out - would you have married me if I told you about my Cding and she admitted "no, I probably wouldn't have because at that time I thought that was what gay men did." IMHO - you do need to be upfront but I think that can come after a time when you've become comfortable with each other. BTW - my wife does not regret that she married me one bit - but felt she could be honest about what she would have felt/done at the time we were dating.

[Sophie86]

If a mate finds out her husband is wearing feminine underwear and says stop it, no more ever, then thats not fair to him.

I agree that she doesn't have the right to issue ultimatums, and that she has the same responsibility to be fair and considerate.

I don't wish to dominate my spouse, or be dominated by her. We're equal partners.

[sometimes_miss]

Any way, why do people react so strongly to discovering this? Why is it such a big deal, big enough to break up mariages that are supposed to be "through better or worse" "till death do you part", and stuff?
Hi, Pythos, I thought we had discussed this before. But for those who do not know, we are sexually attracted to, and fall in love with, the image of who we believe our partner to be. And women in particular (oh, about 99% of them) usually lose any sexual attraction to men with feminine characteristics, especially those of us who want very much to look like an attractive female. After all, every visual clue we are adopting is something to attract men, not women. Now, to us it's 'no big deal'; but to someone who's not had to live with it, it is a very big deal, because suddenly, her sexual attraction to us is destroyed, often permanently. Once that is gone, often the love follows it right out the door, and the relationship she's based her whole life is in shambles. And that's why they're so upset.
Deebra, there's no way for us to use any comparison as to a woman's perception to our adopting attire or behavior that is clearly of the opposite sex. It would be like preaching to the choir. Suffice it to say, suddenly showing a non masculine image of yourself to your mate IS going to upset her. Now every time she gets involved with you sexually, or tries to, is she going to have an image of you in a bra and panties in her head? Maybe it's an image you like, but I assure you, it's not something that's likely to enhance excitement on her part, more likely, it's going to turn her off. Is that your goal? Hmmm, probably not. Good luck.

[Satrana]

Life is not fair full stop. It is to you to negotiate around the unfairness and make the best of it. You definitely should not accept any dictatorial commands from your spouse but you also need to make accommodations that she will want time, space and safety railings to learn how to cope and adjust to the new situation - assuming she wants to adjust, some do not.

It is one thing for your spouse to want to shape the CDing when it affects her directly, quite another when she wants to control you when she is not involved. Ultimately if your spouse is unwilling to give you a sensible amount of time, space and resources to fulfill your needs, is she really the right partner for you since she does not have your best interests at heart?

Has she a right to tell you not to wear panties under pants. No she does not since they are invisible. She does have a right to tell you they put her off so don't wear them to bed. Yes.

[Miss Misery]

[QUOTE=sometimes_miss;2351514]Hi, Pythos, I thought we had discussed this before. But for those who do not know, we are sexually attracted to, and fall in love with, the image of who we believe our partner to be. And women in particular (oh, about 99% of them) usually lose any sexual attraction to men with feminine characteristics -


Whoa whoa whoa. First, I think many women ARE attracted to males with feminine features - at least based on who is considered the "hot guys" of the day. Am I supposed to believe that say Ashton Kutcher doesn't have somewhat feminine features? He sure looks like it to me. Take a glance at the Hollywood mag covers at the market checkout - there are a lot of femmy looking guys that women find attractive.


After all, every visual clue we are adopting is something to attract men, not women.

I would argue that that actually women dress to impress other women. As we've sort of discussed before, men don't pay that much attention to the details of what women wear - just is there cleavage, legs, and booty? Then it's good. If women were dressing to attract males alone, the world would look like a brothel. And it doesn't.

[ReineD]

OK, Deebra, this can be your "redo". :)

I agree it's not fair to categorically refuse to acknowledge your needs, but the two of you need to move beyond the "he says yes, and she says no" impasse.

Maybe the compromise - for now, until she learns more - is for both of you to establish times when you CAN express yourself. In the meantime you both need to talk A LOT and you need to let her know this is more than a whim or a quirky hobby that she dislikes. It is a question of gender identity, and if she wants the relationship to flourish she will need to acknowledge that it is the way your brain is wired. She will need to learn about what being transgender is all about, and also come to terms with it somehow so the two of you can negotiate some workable compromises as you both learn what the CDing means in your relationship.

At the same time, I think she will respond better if you are patient with her while she begins along the road to learning about this.

[KarenCDFL]

I told my wife way before we married knowing that it was something I had to do and would not or could not stop.

I gave her the option of saying yes or no to my question of marriage with her fully knowing of my cding. I did not want to put her into a position of thinking I held something back from her or me in a position of having to compromise because of a negative response.

Luckily my dressing up has always been a positive thing in our 15 years of marriage. SOmething I can enjoy myself and we can enjoy together if we wish.

But the bottom line remained that if she could not have accepted it, there would have been no marriage. That may sound heartless to some and I would have missed out on the best thing to ever happen to me in my life but I considered what my life would have been like if I did not tell her or if I had to play the "Can I Dress up tonite" game with the answer usually being no.

[JulieC]

But the bottom line remained that if she could not have accepted it, there would have been no marriage. That may sound heartless to some and I would have missed out on the best thing to ever happen to me in my life but I considered what my life would have been like if I did not tell her or if I had to play the "Can I Dress up tonite" game with the answer usually being no.

This is where I was when I met my wife. I had accepted myself enough to understand that crossdressing was not something I could stop doing. I might be able to temporarily suspend it, but never stop. I was not going to live my life as a lie, even if that meant being alone. When I met my wife, I soon realized I had something very special with her. Within a few months, I told her about my crossdressing, accepting the possibility that she might run for the hills, never to be seen by me again. It was hard to face that, but by far the best decision.

I hope every crossdresser out there can find the same place, the same self acceptance to do this before getting married.

As to finding out after getting married; it's very, very unfortunate when this happens. That said, while the wife in a given couple "didn't sign up for this!" and has been actively lied to, which can be shattering in itself, part of marriage is the reality that things will happen over the course of any marriage. If you're not ready to adapt, to grow, to compromise, you have no business getting married.