Thinkin' About It

[Jenna Lynne]

25 years ago (see photo at left) I was a mostly out-of-the-closet crossdresser. Too scared to go further with it. So I went back into the closet.

Today I think that was a horrible mistake. Today I'm questioning whether it's time for me to stop pretending to be male. Being a guy never worked very well for me, and today it feels like an emotional dead end. (Yes, I'm in therapy. My therapist agrees with this assessment.)

I blogged about this a little (http://jennawillow.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/what-if/) tonight. I don't know if anyone here can relate, but maybe a few of you can.

I have no particular desire for SRS. Maybe hormones. The main thing I'm looking at is that I'm just not willing to live the lie any longer.

This isn't a very specific post; I guess I'm just fishing for feedback from those who are older, unsure of what they want, living in a fairly tolerant area, and secure enough financially to be able to contemplate various options without panic. Thanks a bunch!

[Melody Moore]

The main thing I'm looking at is that I'm just not willing to live the lie any longer.
Well I decided to transition at the age of 47 and for the same reason as you - I simply couldn't keep living the lie anymore. I think
its important we live our lives for ourselves and be who we truly are. So I also agree very strongly with the assessment of your
therapist - go for it girl, what are you waiting for? As for your mother, with all due respect I wouldn't be too concerned about that
because she is more than likely past the point of really caring to be objectionable and probably knows more about you than you
ever realised anyway. I think in some ways it's better for her to know now who you really are rather than for your mum to go to
her grave never have known her daughter.

Good luck and I hope it all works out. :hugs:

[Eileen]

Jenna if you believe living as a woman you need to know for sure. I was 67 when I made the decision to do the RLE and I have never been happier. Should after you do the RLE, you decide life as a woman is not for you at least you will know. When I first started, I planned to just live as a woman without surgery, of hormones. After two years Eileen knew what she needed to do to be happy. Surgery is nice, but not a must. Only you can decide what is right for you. Good luck in your journey. Just remember your live will not change that much whether you deiced to just do the RLE or have the surgery. The big difference is you will be happier with yourself.

Eileen

[renee k]

Hi Jenna,

I share the same feeling about my male side. I'm 61. And had a marriage from age 23 to 43. I thought I would quit too, at 40. But after the divorce the genie was out of bottle. Just now I'm starting to come to grips with who I am inside. It's never too late to transition and like you I don't need SRS to be happy. Hormones would be nice. My therapist agrees, with my take. Now we're working on a time line for the changes I need to make. I just have my two grown children and a granddaughter to tell. Which going to be hard, being I don't like to upset applecarts.

Good luck and best wishes on your journey. I'm here for support.

Renee

[Teri Jean]

Jenna like renee I'm 61 and in a few months I will be the woman I have always wanted. To what extent you want to transition is your journey and you should look at what you want and work towards that end. I wish you the best and keep us updated. Teri

[Jenna Lynne]

Just remember your live will not change that much whether you decide to just do the RLE or have the surgery.
Right. It's not magic. I'll still have the same taste in music, the same aches and pains, the same insecurities, and on down the line. Becoming Barbie -- there's no pill for that.

Come to think of it, though ... I never had a Barbie. Maybe I'll buy myself one for Christmas!

[Jenna Lynne]

Just now I'm starting to come to grips with who I am inside. It's never too late to transition and like you I don't need SRS to be happy. Hormones would be nice. My therapist agrees, with my take.
"Who I am inside" is not a fixed thing for me. I wobble back and forth. And in fact it's sometimes hard for me to say "I'm a woman inside" because I've spent so many years thinking I'm a man. (With full support from the outside world, of course.)

What I'm quietly observing right now is how I feel when I'm being J--- on the inside, versus how I feel when I'm being Jenna on the inside. Like, when I just edited the sentence up above to use the phrase "I'm a man," I felt ugly and icky. When I'm thinking "I'm a woman" I feel warm and comfortable.

[Karen564]

It's certainly all worth thinking about..but I would think that you've had all this in the back of your mind for many years....The only thing I'm concerned about in your case is your mother, you said that she may only have months left or possibly a year, so I'm not so sure that transitioning just before she goes would be such a good idea for both you & her, since it takes over a year at the very least for most parents come to terms with this when their child is transitioning at an older age, for many parents, it takes many years...

I know this is a tough situation, because either way there's going to be a sense of regret...one being of her not seeing or accepting you as a woman as you would like to show her if you don't transition while shes alive, the other is transitioning while she is alive but possibly upsetting her to the point of an earlier death, which you may have to deal with that guilt for the rest of your life..
The best that I can suggest really at this point is to either not say or do anything until shes gone or to feel out her feelings about it as she has always known you & tell her how you've felt & what your thinking about doing, I guess what I'm saying is asking for her approval 1st before you do anything...that way would be the least traumatic on her & if she totally objects to it, then you could assure her she'll never see it, and if she gives her blessings to it, then you have the green light....to fly & be free..
This of course is only some advise, but I'm bind here because I don't know you or her....I just hate seeing people getting hurt ...& this can really hurt deep..

Just so you know, I told my Mom about a year ago, she was 82 then & still going strong today at 83 & will be 84 in March.....I had to tell her because I went completely 24/7/365 about 16 months ago...but I started my transition 6 years ago, and wanted to tell her way back, but she was have some serious medical issues back then with her heart & other things, so I didn't have the heart to add more on her plate, that would of killed her for sure back then...As much as it was killing me inside by not telling her then, I thought it best not to & also was thinking she may not be around much longer, but she slowly did recover well & then that left me no choice to finally tell her, because I couldn't put my new life on hold for another 5 or 10 years....and the fact that I reached my breaking point & really couldn't hide my very developed chest, long hair & nails & feminine grooming anymore..

The night I told her went well, it was after Easter dinner, she shocked me as to how well she took this news because I was thinking the worse, but come to find out she took it well because she was in shock herself, because for the next months after that she was having a really hard time dealing with it & making herself sick...It was breaking my heart knowing that I was the cause of her emotional pain, she's the nicest woman anyone would want to know, so I hated doing this to her & I shed many tears just thinking about it after our many talks on the phone ..

Today, she seems so much better with it makes me so proud to have her in my corner, shes such an amazing woman...Just today I got my Christmas card from her to my new po box, addressed to Ms. Karen xxx xxxx, & the same from my Aunt... But as I said, this all takes time & from the sounds of your mom, she doesn't have much time left...which BTW, I'm sorry to hear...:hugs:

So whatever you decide, I wish you & her all the best...Good Luck ..

[Jorja]

I haven't replied earlier because...... well.... I just don't know what to say. I understand your situation with your mother. I also understand your feelings of being male and an emotional dead end. You are in a really tough spot.

My mother died when I was very young so I never had to go through all this with her. My father accepted it with little problem which was a real shock to me because he was the type of man that could have been John Wayne's brother. He supported me for many years before he died. I was and am so thankful he was there for me.
Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

[Rianna Humble]

Not sure how many of your criteria for responding I actually fit - compared to you I'm younger and I'm not very unsure about what I want, but I'll offer my 2 pennyworth.

I came out to my dad when he was 88 with a lot of fear and trepidation - I was seriously worried that the shock might kill him, but didn't have the option of continuing to dissemble. He is not in generally good health, but he took it amazingly well. His first reaction was "I'm sorry I didn't see your suffering and whatever happens you will always be my child". After a few days thought, he asked me some more about it and when I needed to start the RLE, he took it in his stride (I used a GG mutual friend to check that one out in case he was just being nice to me).

I don't know your mum, but she might well surprise you. I think it would be an idea to sound her out gently at the very least.

There is another thread going on in this forum about people who committed themselves too strongly at the start of their tranasition and now feel trapped by that commitment, so I would not recommend you to rule out either hormonse or surgery at this early stage in your thinking. Neither am I saying you should rule them in. Rather be prepared to evaluate your options at each turning.

Although "who you are inside" is still fluid at the moment, it may be that a period of going 24/7 would allow you to evaluate your feelings better, whether this leads to a full-blown RLE or not.

I think you have given us enough clues that you don't feel able to go on pretending to be a man for it to be worth your while exploring being a woman full-time.

[Jenna Lynne]

I know this is a tough situation, because either way there's going to be a sense of regret...one being of her not seeing or accepting you as a woman as you would like to show her if you don't transition while shes alive, the other is transitioning while she is alive but possibly upsetting her to the point of an earlier death, which you may have to deal with that guilt for the rest of your life.
I honestly don't want her to see or know. Having her in my personal emotional space feels like a very bad idea. Her discomfort would be infuriating, her acceptance almost as infuriating, and I really, really don't want to have to try to explain this stuff to her!

I think I could deal with the guilt if she went into shock or something. I mean, she got herself on the downhill skids this summer health-wise because she was so freaked out about having rats in her garage. She was obsessed with those rats, and ended up with cardiac arhythmia. I tried to tell her to relax, that rats were no big deal, but she couldn't hear it. Well, if she can't deal with a couple of furry little rodents, she has emotional problems that I'm not responsible for.

My main concern is, I don't want to be cruel. Assuming the shock doesn't shorten her life by a single hour, if she spends her remaining days being even more miserable because of something she doesn't understand and can't come to grips with, I would feel very bad about that.

[Karen564]

I honestly don't want her to see or know. Having her in my personal emotional space feels like a very bad idea. Her discomfort would be infuriating, her acceptance almost as infuriating, and I really, really don't want to have to try to explain this stuff to her!

My main concern is, I don't want to be cruel. Assuming the shock doesn't shorten her life by a single hour, if she spends her remaining days being even more miserable because of something she doesn't understand and can't come to grips with, I would feel very bad about that.

Then it does sound like it would be best she doesn't know, for sanity sake (yours & hers).....from what your describing, she sounds extremely high stung, which stresses herself out & everyone around her, I know that's not easy to deal with..but they do have some medications that can help with that.

:hugs: