This war inside my head

[LitaKelley]

I can't win against a war waged between my self split in two as each half fights the other with me stuck in the middle getting hurt.

He loves her so very much, yet she hates him with a passion.. so much so that she wishes to kill him.... even though he loves her so... so much that he wants to be with her all the time and is always thinking about her when she's not near.

This war inside my head brought with it much pain, because I'm in the middle of these two, for I am one and the same.

When I'm en homme, all I think about is being a girl... but when en femme, I never think about being a guy and wish I really wasn't.... this war in my head, two sides of a conflict within.

I once thought I knew my self, but clearly not, as I've recently discovered who I really am, lest the devil attempts in deceiving me with these illusions, cause surely though I look like a woman, and feel like a woman... is it real, or delusion...

This battle wages within me and it's painful... When I picked up that torch back in August and began down the road that brought me to where I am today, I had no idea the immense change that would occur nor within me, nor the overwhelming revelation and discovery of my self.

How could I have lived with my self all those years and not know who I am... HOW.

Every time I'm in male mode I'm depressed.. even agitated, angry and a slew of other unpleasant emotions.... All because I'm not happy.. not happy because I'm not her.....

On the other hand, when I'm en femme... I feel so much different and am the happiest I've ever been in a very long long time, all because of this bottle behind the walls, its cork removed and released from within, something from inside.....and I'M ALIVE...... and I feel so bad for hating him... because he's been with me for my whole life... yet, as happy as I am being in female form, it pains me a great deal that I'm destroying him, and that someday, he'll be gone forever..............

I often looked in the mirror in the past, not knowing whom I see before me, yet when en femme for the first time, she was not unfamiliar, although I never seen her face to face in the flesh.. I knew her for some reason, but never in a million years did I think there would be a war inside my head.....

and it is she that's winning.







------------ sorry if this is all confusing---- It confuses me too.

[Joanne f]

This battle can go on for a very long time until you find some sort of balance/acceptance or acknowledgement within yourself , but i think that there is quite often one thing that is over looked in this battle which quite often off balance`s this battle, you have a male body so the longing or desire for one will not come into , you can only long for what you do not have and i think sometimes this can play a trick on our minds and off balance our feelings to a small degree .

[boardpuppy]

Yes, I though of a butterfly.You have to go through the bad to develope into something beautiful. There are no short cuts, if taken then you do not emerge as the bueatiful thing that you were intended to be.

[Rogina B]

Your emotional turmoil is very common for many of us.However,I'll kick some reality in you....Do you realize that it is extremely difficult for a transgender woman to succeed in this world? Very few can bring in the money needed that would match what they earn in boy mode.Some few do and they work harder at doing so. If you have a family to support,then SHE has to share your life rather than be your life. Sad reality,but true for so many of us.

[Gerrijerry]

lets not forget those of us with families. How it not only effects us but also our loved ones. The strain can be very hard on us and others. I know so many would just like to run away and be the person inside but can't because of the world around them. We pay a heavy price to be ourselves. I have cried many times over that and I guess we all have.

[julie w]

I have been fighting this same battle since a child ,my children and job keep me on track I will have to wait till I retire
in a few years and don.t have to worry about a pay check or getting found out. then I hope to spend much more time as my true self
as rogina said its very hard for a transgendered women to succeed in the work force unless they pass very well and have
the right type job

[Jay Cee]

I hear you, Lita. It is a very tough thing to go through. I believe time and experience will help you find your balance.

[Frédérique]

I can't win against a war waged between my self split in two as each half fights the other with me stuck in the middle getting hurt.
He loves her so very much, yet she hates him with a passion.. so much so that she wishes to kill him.... even though he loves her so... so much that he wants to be with her all the time and is always thinking about her when she's not near.
This war inside my head brought with it much pain, because I'm in the middle of these two, for I am one and the same.

In my opinion, you should make peace, and do it NOW! Get thee hence to the negotiations table and learn the art of compromise. If “she’ wishes to kill “him,” then the potential lovers should get together and make love, not war. The union of your “two sides” (something I don’t believe in, BTW), is the cherished goal you must strive for. The male must be modified, not in constant conflict with his gentler side, and the female must be a little less “ultra” for the purposes of achieving a blissful state. If you can’t see that both sides are one and the same, then you will create a DMZ with definite boundaries, something a healthy mind cannot bear to contemplate. Come together, make peace, and do it now – both sides can claim victory, since in the end it doesn’t really matter...
:straightface:

[renee k]

As with all you. I've been fighting the same battle all my life. Just now coming to grips with it, with help from a therapist. After sixty some odd years of living with it. With a planned retirement coming in three years. I'm going to transition.

Renee

[MJ]

In the End SHE won. you need to go for gender counseling because this will tear you apart if you don't

[vikki2020]

I can understand just where your at,Lita, as I've had the same feelings. I'm sure your post speaks for many here. I'm still trying to find that "happy medium", but it can be a tricky place to locate. I haven't found it,yet, but move slowly, and it may find you. Good luck!

[Ericka2]

For what is worth, I'm in the exact same boat, don't know where you all are but I feel like it's just me against the world, not sure how long more I can do this, but I so need to make up my mind and be me....

Love to you all
Ericka

[Christie ann]

Hey Kelly, One of the greatest things about this forum is that a little bit of your story can be found in all of us. WE can all relate to the battles being fought and we can read how each of us managed through the battles.

[meri]

Lita,
You are ultimately going to win this "war". A new "you" will emerge. At some point down the road, you will integrate your feminine and masculine selves into a single, happy, balanced self. That *will* happen, you cannot avoid it. You have already started down that path and there isn't any return. Frankly, once the war has ended, you will be so delighted with your integrated, balanced self that you would not ever want to go back to your old masculine self or your purely feminine self for that matter.

The path you are on, that path we are all on, is the path of stitching ourselves back together after being deliberately ripped apart for the purpose of experiencing life in a bi-gendered world.

Haven't you ever wondered why most men are attracted to women in the first place and visa-versa? Why is the pull so strong? I believe attraction to the opposite sex is an attempt by the individuals to balance themselves, the discharge their unbalanced polarity if you will. Of course, the effect is only temporary -- for some, they need to discharge several times a day (I remember being 25 and newly married -- it was really fun!).

The path you are on is leading to a more permanent solution than a quick toss in the hay. You have uncovered and acknowledged your long repressed feminine side. You have discovered "attraction" within yourself (your boy likes your girl). This is no surprise and is to be expected. At some point down the road, you will also fully accept "her" as you. Once you accept her as you, your war will immediately enter a period of truce. All will be quiet within. Eventually, your mind (ego) will start the denial process and will push back, it will resist the wonderful, peaceful acceptance you achieved. The war will reignite and you will eventually be dragged back only to accept yourself once again. This cycle will repeat until you can hold on to your acceptance and are stable.

From that place, you will begin to recognize the value of your masculine self and masculine characteristics that have served you so well all your life. You will realize that it's not all bad, just some of it makes you uneasy. Thus, you will rebuild yourself choosing from the feminine and the masculine as you please. You will become an new individual, much better, more balanced, more self-actualizing than ever before...

It's a wonderful journey, all humans are on this journey, most simply don't realize it yet. Someday, they all will, it's just matter of time...

Enjoy it, don't fight back so hard, the end result will be better than you can possibly believe right now.

[TGMarla]

There are days when the battle rages, and other days when it's relatively quiet inside my head. But the conflict never quite goes away. Over the years, though, I've drawn a bit of a cease-fire within myself. Much of this was able to happen when I finally came to grips with the fact that I will not opt for transition and gender reassignment. Once I laid that conflict to rest, I was more able to come to grips with this whole thing. I'd like to be a woman, but I'm going to settle for part time instead, and not allow it to consume me. Yet, there are still days when the whole gender thing really rails on me, and the urge to dress is almost overwhelming.

Semper fi!

[Daenna Paz]

I can't win against a war waged between my self split in two as each half fights the other with me stuck in the middle getting hurt.

This war inside my head brought with it much pain, because I'm in the middle of these two, for I am one and the same.



Maybe instead of the 'war' metaphor, you could look at it as 'tidal shifts' ...

The tides come in and then recede ... much like your needs.
They don't compete, nor do they "hate" each other ... each phase is just a different manifistation of nature ... each has a place in the cycle.

In my life I have different responsibilities in each mode (boy / girl). In order to fulfill these, I had to come to a peaceful solution ... I hope you can find your balance point too.

[cordgrass]

I'm very interested. Would it really need a "killing" of the male self to achieve harmony? What if you could dress and be feminine 24x7? Would you then need to kill off the male part of you by going on hormones and getting surgery? Or is there a point of balance to be found with a male body and female expression?

I feel like I've gone through the Jungian process of finding my animus, but I still enjoy being a girl, even though I have a male self inside me. But it sounds like my inner balance is not an option for many crossdressers?

[Karren H]

Evict both of them from your body.. What ever is left over is truly you..

[MsGreen]

You can figure this out! Among your internal voices, don't forget to exhume the voices of outsiders: society, parents, etc... and consider them carefully before reintegrating.

[Jenna Lynne]

You really do need to talk to a good therapist in order to sort out these feelings.

From your comment about the devil tempting you, I'm thinking you may be a member of one of the conservative religious denominations. If that's the case, I hope you'll seek out a counselor who is not of your faith. Some counselors have agendas. Not all of them are religious agendas -- and there are religion-friendly counselors who are very accepting of many varieties of personal expression. But it's something to be cautious about.

One other note: If you go all the way, becoming outwardly and socially female, you won't be "destroying him." You'll still have all of "his" memories, affections, and so on. Maybe a better way to look at it is that you're now nurturing and developing new parts of yourself. The older parts don't have to be extracted like a tooth -- you just won't need to use them so often. On the other hand, if your car breaks down on a lonely road in the middle of the night, you may be glad "he" is still on tap when needed.

[Sarah Doepner]

Beware of collateral damage in this war. When the internal conflict begins to have an impact on your family, friends and ability to work, you need to take aggressive action to calm things down. If you can't do it on your own, look for help from a professional counselor with experience in this area. That person should be able help you find your inner peace and help you find the best way to avoid damaging the relationships with those who love you.

[Debra Russell]

For me I have come to realize That my male self is who I am but I wish I were her most of the time. I know now that I need him to be the stablizing factor in my life but she is a comfort to me always. I ambrace the time when she has time to visit and look forward to the balence she gives me.

[Christy_M]

I am just a babbling mess reading all these posts and crying and seeing so many similar experiences...I am so glad I am not alone like I thought I was for so many years.

[LitaKelley]

Well, I'm fortunate that I do not need to rely on an outside entity for income, as I'm self employed, so that's not a problem,

I'm also fortunate in that all my closest friends know as I shared this part of me with them, and they accept it, some even being supportive, etc

My wife is also accepting and supportive, and has even grown so far as being supportive of transitioning.

Family however is another matter. My two sisters know, both are accepting of me.. My brother however, being homophobic, he may not understand nor be accepting... he's a macho dude... My gay cousin knows.. he's ok with me being me, but he's inquisitive and fails to understand my need to be like this... The rest of my family does not know, and at the moment, they can not know for reasons I can't get into here... What it all boils down to family wise, my number ONE concern is my children, and ONLY them... Nobody else matters... I would even risk loss of my marriage if it goes that far and she knows, I am me, let me be, or leave.

As for religion, since it was mentioned, I'm not particularly religious.. I have belief's, yes, but I'm not devote or practicing, etc, etc... God, as I understand him, accepts me, and is a forgiving one.. I'm not too concerned about it really.

As for society at large, etc, I don't care.... it no longer bothers me and I've overcome all fears associated with being out in public en femme.

[Xandria]

not to make light of your current situation, but your thread title reminded me of a song by megadeth

Hello me... Meet the real me
And my misfits way of life
A dark black past is my
Most valued possession
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But looking back it's still a bit fuzzy
Speak of mutually assured destruction?
Nice story... Tell it to Reader's Digest!

Chorus
Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxiety's attacking me, and
My air is getting thin
I'm in trouble for the things
I haven't got to yet
I'm chomping at the bit, and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets.



Hello me... It's me again
You can subdue, but never tame me
It gives me a migraine headache
Thinking down to your level
yea, just keep on thinking it's my fault
And stay an inch or two outta kicking distance
Mankind has got to know
His limitations


Chorus
Feeling claustrophobic
Like the walls are closing in
Blood stains on my hands and
I don't know where I've been
I'm in trouble for the things
I haven't got to yet
I'm sharpening the axe and my
Palms are getting wet, sweating bullets

solo-dave

Well, me... it's nice talking to myself
A credit to dementia
Some day you too will know my pain
And smile its blacktooth grin
If the war inside my head
Won't take a day off I'll be dead
My icy fingers claw your back
Here I come again

Chorus
Feeling paranoid
True enemy or false friend?
Anxiety's attacking me
And my air is getting thin
Feeling claustrophobic
Like the walls are closing in
Blood stains on my hands and
I don't know where I've been
Once you committed me
Now you've acquitted me
Claiming validity
For your stupidity
I'm chomping at the bit
I'm sharpening the axe
Here I come again, whoa!
Sweating bullets

its about schizophrenia, not saying that you have it as i highly doubt that is the situation here.. i myself have listened to this song many a time during my struggles with tim vs xandria.. please take good care of yourself, whatever you do from here on out will be the best thing for you.. as everything happens for a reason ... cliche i know but its the god honest truth

[Debglam]

I am just a babbling mess reading all these posts and crying and seeing so many similar experiences...I am so glad I am not alone like I thought I was for so many years.

WE ARE NOT ALONE!!! Everytime I come to this forum I see that!

Lita, I am currently fighting a version of your fight and it looks like almost everyone here has or had. I hope that we can all find the peace and "win the war" as Meri's post so nicely states.

Love to you all!
Debby

[SusanMarie]

Call a truce...
Be yourself...
enjoy your life...

[Raychel]

Boy, Umm Girl, Do I know what you are saying. These are my feeling exactly. Every minute of every day that I am dressed in drab, I am wishing I was all dolled up.


I know so many would just like to run away and be the person inside but can't because of the world around them.
Add me to this list too.

[Misty G]

I think this poem I found a few years back says it all


Shadow Dancer
I was there.
I was always there.
He didn't know me then,
and didn't realize who I was.
Just a shadow in his little boy dreams.
A spectral being in black lace,
come to caress his young, soft face.
He smiled in his sleep,unaware of the schemes,
that would end the joy that we had come to know.
Young and innocent,
he could not imagine how some
could hate me and my kind so.
I waited and abided my time,
for soon the awakening would be here.
He would gaze upon my face,
and would not be afraid to hold me in a friend's embrace.
We would stroll hand in hand,
kind and gentle,
through life's journeys together.
A friendship without end.
I would be free, and out of the shadows.
Alive and one, Finally able to play in the sun.
But in those dark days in the coming of age,
full of confusion, false starts and rage.
Alone and apart, we existed.
He loved and hated me at the same time,
what should have been ours,
he fought and resisted.
Heavy on him my urges did weigh.
Be gone, don't ever come back!
Those painful words I often did hear.
I would cry out to him, in anger and pain,
I can't, I can't, Don't you see?
We're brother and sister in the same place.
Look in the mirror, We have the same face.
No! No! He would shout and He would scream,
You're not real, You're nothing but a bad dream.
I am not a man, not just yet,
he said to me out loud with tears,
Streaming from our young eyes.
I'll tell you plain, and I'll tell you proud,
I'm going to be a man and lace just isn't allowed.
For years it went on like this,
him forever denying, and me always crying.
He was unable to lose me,
I was always there,
always at his side.
Insisting and pleading with him
forever offering my hand.
Begging him to accept me,
with all of my heart.
Learn about me from those of your kind.
We can exist together,
the way we were designed,
from here ever after,
this you cannot deny.
I am lonely and I am tired.
No longer defy me,
for it does us no good.
Here to stay,
I've always said.
Love me now,
pay no attention to what others may think.
Give me your heart,
and I'll give you mine.
Together the way it was meant.
We'll laugh and love,
and there'll be nothing left for you to resent.
And he finally, in this last year,
give up his fight and put a side the hate.
Willing to embrace My beautiful satin and black lace.
The healing has begun,
we are now whole.
Able to love myself,
as is my right.
One heart that beats strong,
no longer divided,
righting the wrong.
Finally able to face
what I should've always known.
I am Leah I am Leah. . . no longer alone. __________________________________________________ ____________________________ A poem written by Leah MacLean. I ran across this on the internet. It completely describes the feelings and what I have gone through for many years. But know I have faced it and will live as one together in happiness no matter what others may think. I am MistyG. . . no longer alone.

[Debutante]

Lita,
I too have had the "conflict in my head" and the resulting emotional upset and health issues (there is always a mind-body connection -- look to that as well) ... and it's taken years to get over it.
I am still coming to a deep inner acceptance, peace, and love with my self.
I am accepting and celebrating deborah first -- and the male side will follow.
I have a great gender therapist who is deeply aware of these issues, and follow it all: gender expression, sexuality, relationship with wife.
It takes years often times -- you must be persistent, seek out the right support, and gender therapy!
Keep at it, Lita!

[Debb]

I have nothing more to offer than has already been said, but the title of your post makes me curious: are you a Dream Theater (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA1LAZyHVnE) fan?

[sallyfields]

there is no rule or all encompassing Law that says Your family must love you, must support you must help you, But the biggest thing one must do to find happening and peace is first to love yourself.Who and what you are and want to be, As long as you do not give anyone good reason to hate you there is not reason why you should ever have to deny or hide who and what you are.

[danielleb]

not to make light of your current situation, but your thread title reminded me of a song by megadeth

Hello me... Meet the real me.....

Wow, thanks for the trip back to middle/high school!:heehee:

I feel so dysfunctional as a male, and that the female was screaming so much to get out, I really have no concerns about killing off the male. Though I accept that I will never "kill" him off, just merge the portion of him into the larger part of me. There's no need for me to look back at the role I portray for others, only to look forward to the role I need to portray to align myself.
I had my first dream the other night of myself. It's very rare, if ever, I envision any form of myslef in a dream. I hope that this is a sign of my brain beginning to reconcile just who I am.:daydreaming:

[docrobbysherry]

Lita, I don't know personally about the struggles u and others have described here. But, I CAN tell u from personal experience these sorts of inner conflicts/feelings r difficult to resolve by yourself! And not dealt with, over time they can lead to mental/emotional break downs and/or clinical depression!
Both of those can be QUITE DANGEROUS AND DESTRUCTIVE!

If u have these inner conflicts often, they're nothing to fool around with! GET PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW!

[urmilaaa2008]

Dear, everyone of us pass thro' this phase I was really depressed and and angry against myself when i was dressing in stealth. Once i made my wife aware of my desires(not a confession.since i didnt tell her my secret) and she grudgingly agreed in the begining and later whole heartedly everything fell into place . Now I am at peace with myself and both of us r happy and living a contented life.

[bgirl]

I have been waging a similar battle for years. I think I have started to condense into a single being. I pixelate from time to time. But in the end, I think I am what has been called a gender pirate. Or non-conforming gender behavior. Still gender-flux, but I can see myself clearer as a bit of both, rather than one or the other. I guess all those years I spent as a homophobe were a waste of time. I was only afraid of myself.

[prene]

Or I have the same battle with myself.

the fem side is winning right now.

Life is a constant struggle . . .at least for me.

But I still love it.

[charlie]

Hello Lita!
Thanks for sharing and putting down so succinctly what many of us feel. I now dress one week continuously each month. My wife (who knows) hates and does not approve of my dressing. But I am happiest when dressed. When I return from business (my week) I miss it. I am sad that I must return to being male. I long to stay another day, week or month. Sometimes I dream of just being my feminine self all the time and transitioning. It is a "war inside my head" as well!

[Annaliese2010]

Me & my inner 'guy' get along quite well. He's hot for me and gladly takes a back seat (way back) i.e. is quiet & behaves - knows his place when its 'my turn', so to speak. In fact 'he' is usually glad to hit pause & go dark when the situation allows me pre-eminence. Maybe someday you and your 'man' will acknowledge each other similarly & get along - even play together when you're in a pinch, if ya know what I mean.
:battingeyelashes:

[Fab Karen]

Maybe "the devil" is trying to trick you into being a boy. Or maybe it's propaganda- they made him look identical to Pan.
If you want some good advice, talk to a therapist about it.

"WE ARE NOT ALONE!!! "
The truth is out there - Fox Mulder