The worst part..... going back to male mode!

[katrinakat]

I get so depressed when I eventually have to revert back to being male.
I try and squeeze every last moment. I probably dress up 4 times a week;
but its never enough!

How about you?

xo KatT

[Ediosa]

I agree, especially when my makeup is done perfect and I look amazing to my eye. I hate it.

[Raychel]

Very true. It seems like no matter how much I get to dress, I am always looking for more.

[NathalieX66]

Going back to male is equivalent to Mondays.

[zoe m]

Maybe it's a good thing that crossdressing is so much work, because if it weren't, I would probably feel like you do. I do feel very happy when I'm dressed, but I couldn't spend that much time putting on make up etc. if I did it every day.

[prene]

Maybe it's a good thing that crossdressing is so much work, because if it weren't, I would probably feel like you do. I do feel very happy when I'm dressed, but I couldn't spend that much time putting on make up etc. if I did it every day.

Worst thing in going back to male mode is putting male clothes on. YUCK!!!
or is
Taking of my female clothes I hate them both.
I do not agree with Zoe m. I could spend whatever time necessary on make up etc.

I would be great, maybe no time for TV but who cares.

[Rianna Humble]

I was like that, Kat. It got so bad that I felt physically sick every time I had to dress as a man.

Luckily I haven't had that problem since 1st July.

[Stephanie47]

I've become accustom to having almost daily six to seven hours of dressing time, M-F. I view it as the end of the day. I dress in a pretty dress and all the appropriate undergarments. So, it's as if I came home from my old 8-5 job and get comfortable in jeans and my holey tee shirts- god my wife hates those tee shirts. But, I will say, when I do have an annual 24/7 for 7-10 days, it is really tough putting everything away. When I do get that annual treat, I break out scores of hangers and hang my dresses and favorite slips in the closet. The male underwear draw is emptied into boxes and the hosiery, panties and girdles and bras make it into the draws.

[Jenniferpl]

Unhooking the bra and taking off the makeup.

[noeleena]

Hi .

Im seeing this detail a bit different than i did before in as much i hated male clothes for years like 50. yet i had to wear them tho as a builder i changed from that so called male to woman & still did building work as a woman ,

in the evenings i was most of the time dressed as a woman so changing clothes was shorts & a tee for work & skirts & tops in the evening allmost every day for 3 years now of cause iv no male clothes, gave them away.

...noeleena..

[LitaKelley]

I get depressed all the time when in male mode.... waking up and having to spend an entire day in drab is like a friggen drug withdrawal.. I'm not the same... even my wife feels/sees it and tells me "go get dressed.. you're miserable"

I honestly can say I'm definitely not the same person I was before.. My whole life has changed.. everything is different... I wasn't particularly a happy person before as a man, but now, I'm actually MORE depressed and the ONLY thing that gets rid of it is being fully dressed.. it's the only time I'm actually comfortable and at peace..

It's like I'm addicted and being a girl is some sort of super heroin

[Sara Jessica]

I've had issues in the past in switching back but curiously, it hasn't been so bad lately...until last weekend.

I sent these messages to a friend last Sunday in reference to my day-into-evening on Saturday. There are two messages merged here. The last paragraph was actually sent to my friend Kim, letting her know I got home safe after the long drive but also to share some feelings I had the night before. I then sent Kim's message to another friend, adding the first two paragraphs to put the whole thing into context a bit.

...It speaks to a lot of my feelings yesterday, particularly when it came time to take the girl off. I guess something that could seem kind of trivial to any other woman can be traumatic for one who identifies towards the TS side of things. You might remember in the various Christine writings where her friends would tell of her literally rolling up in a ball on the floor in tears when it came time to "switch back". I guess it's all we have to hold on to. The trappings of our outward appearance validates the femininity in our heart, soul & at the core of our very being.

Not to worry, I'm not at the point where Christine was. I have had the benefit of understanding a lot about myself from a pretty young age and then taking measured steps as I get older. Still, I think you will see the bittersweet mixture of happy and sad.

I rolled in at about 10:15 and didn't take any of the girl off before arriving home. I went into the bedroom and slipped off my flats, like any other woman would do after a long day out. Honestly, it was wonderful to not have to remove the girl on the fly, to return home as myself. I then looked into the mirror and smiled in satisfaction about the evening, I guess like any other woman might do. Dress came off and i put on my sweatpants & t-shirt, leaving my feminine shape as-is and went into the bathroom to take off the makeup. Returned to my room and finally took off my bra & hose. There was a strong feeling of sadness at that point. My breasts should be real, my jammies shouldn't be guy-sweats. Heck, to always be able to return home feeling happy, beautiful and positively feminine...

Lately, I feel myself fumbling in the dark, trying to find that middle path that I need to find contentment on.

[Misty G]

I very rarely go all male but when I do have too it can be very depressing.

[Ashlee]

After undergoing the total transformation and makeover and all the work Jamie puts into the makeup to make Ashlee possible the worst part is having to undress and wash all that stuff off to look up and see "him" in the mirror. So depressing.

[KristinSkye]

Agreed. Having to take off all the makeup, nail polish, etc when it comes time to go back to male mode is downright depressing =/

[helena.gcd]

i agree!!!!
i hate to go back to male mode!!!!! the worst part is that now i'm totally dressed and i'll have to go back to male mode in 30 minutes :(

enjoy while you can!!!!

[Shapeshiffter]

I have to agree also. If I'm not dressed when my GF gets home she will tell me to go get comfortable. I really hate getting dressed for work.

[ClaireB]

usually waking up and having to get out of my nightgown is the saddest part of my day.

[JenniferB]

I get so depressed when I eventually have to revert back to being male.
I try and squeeze every last moment. I probably dress up 4 times a week;
but its never enough!

How about you?

xo KatT
News Flash! Nobody ever has to revert back to being male. Sure, there might be a price to pay, but nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to.
There is always a *choice*.

[Yvonne York]

I agree - I don't like Mondays!!!!

[Mary Morgan]

I can't say I get depressed, but I can't say I have ever looked forward to it. By contrast, I cannot wait to dress, and I dress almost daily. Must be something in my genes.

[Karinsamatha]

The amount of time I need to spend as him. I have been stuck in male mode for a week know, and I am loosing my mind. This is due to where work put's us up. Normally I would be my self from when I get home till the next morning.

[Rachel B42]

I haven't gotten depressed but I have certainly felt like something was missing. For the last year I've been more comfortable underdressing at work so now in the mornings it is much more fulfilling to pick out a matching bra and panties then add my small forms and go off to work quite happy.

[carhill2mn]

I don't really get depressed (sad maybe) but I stretch my en femme time as long as possible before changing back to male mode.

[juligirl1984]

Worst thing in going back to male mode is putting male clothes on. YUCK!!!
or is
Taking of my female clothes I hate them both.
I do not agree with Zoe m. I could spend whatever time necessary on make up etc.

I would be great, maybe no time for TV but who cares.

no doubt! my male clothes suck! boring plain and just lame! at least some cowboy shirts are colorful...

[Tess]

I don't get depressed going totally drab, but I put it off as long as I can. It is so dull being in drab!

[Kathi Lake]

. . . trying to find that middle path that I need to find contentment on.It's there. I guess to me it's more of a "Take it when you can get it" kind of thing. Would I like to do more? Definitely! Is it something I need? Not necessarily. I guess as long as my family's taken care of, I'm just content with less. It's kind of been my guiding principle throughout life.

For me, the middle path is the only way I feel I can live my life - which I love - without sacrificing all I have done to date.

I do agree with the OP. My last smile in the mirror as Kathi is indeed very wistful. Once the makeup is off and the boobs packed securely in their little boxes, I find myself waiting for the next time Kathi can shine.

Kathi

[Jennifer Marie P.]

If all you girls are depressed in going back to male mode why not become full time

[Kaz]

If all you girls are depressed in going back to male mode why not become full time

For me, because when I am back all is okay too... I get to do all the other things I want to do!

For me it is okay to underdress, mix the two and so on, but sometimes I get to stay away and then I do the make-up and wig and "transform" into this persona that is Kaz (covered in another thread :)_)... When in make-up and dressed I look and feel different, and love it...

When the clock strikes the metaphorical midnight... it is awful! Changing back is really depressing... which is why I will put if off until morning... just to get the sight of Kaz hitting the bathroom... so I wake up two hours earlier, have a bit of "fun" and then hit the reverse transformation.

Once back... and in my male world, I am okay... until the pull starts again... and I know I have to...

[VS Fan]

If all you girls are depressed in going back to male mode why not become full time

Simple really... the price to pay for such a thing (wife and kids, most likely my job) would be more than the price I pay now: the pretty much constant semi-depression that is ever so precariously kept in check by underdressing (panties/hose/tights only) basically 24/7. (Although does anyone else think that underdressing just makes it worse?)

So add me in the definitely hate changing back column. Actually, I don't get to dress fully very often at all, so it's even worse for me since I know the next time may not come for a while.

The trigger for me is taking out the forms and off the bra... I think I could be happy "en drab" if I could keep my boobs on ;)

VS Fan

[Sara Jessica]

If all you girls are depressed in going back to male mode why not become full time

OMG, I had no idea the solution was so simple.


Simple really... the price to pay for such a thing (wife and kids, most likely my job) would be more than the price I pay now: the pretty much constant semi-depression that is ever so precariously kept in check by underdressing (panties/hose/tights only) basically 24/7. (Although does anyone else think that underdressing just makes it worse?)

Oh yeah, that's right...it's not that simple.

Sad, isn't it?

And just as there are differences among those of us in the communty, diverse are those same differences in how we react to flipping back.

For me, it's a matter of being. I project my desired existence on every aspect of my life, only to be reeled back onto that middle path. I hold on to what I can. Long hair goes far. It could also be as simple as keeping a pedicure. It can be as trivial as under-dressing here and there but honestly, 8 hours or so in nylons and I pretty much can't wait to get them off. IMHO, under-dressing doesn't make it worse. It's simply a coping mechanism I use here and there.

The only thing I edited out of my original post is the feeling of loneliness that I had when I returned home that evening. Not literal because my family was home (but well protected from any possiblity of "seeing" me). Rather, it was that there was no one to share my day with. No one to simply relax with before I am compelled to remove the outward appearance of the real me. And heck, no one to even remotely find me attractive given the space away from this side of me desired by my wife. Hence the utter disappointment in removing all visible signs of Sara. Maybe it would be easier to keep taking her off on the road.


It's there. I guess to me it's more of a "Take it when you can get it" kind of thing. Would I like to do more? Definitely! Is it something I need? Not necessarily. I guess as long as my family's taken care of, I'm just content with less. It's kind of been my guiding principle throughout life.

For me, the middle path is the only way I feel I can live my life - which I love - without sacrificing all I have done to date.

Kathi, being as grounded as you are is an inspiration to me. My friend Kim is the same way. We all have a degree of torture in our heads, I can't be so bold as to say mine is any greater than that felt by many of my dear friends. But everyone seems to be coping with it better than I of late. All I can do is continue to draw strength from my friends and do the best I can in keeping that middle path under my feet.

[DKA]

Im sorry but u gurls talk about dressing like its an addiction. I mean, I love dressing up as much as all of u but I dont 'get depressed' when I have 2change back into James from Jeni, I dont like it but I dont get depressed. I will admit I feel more comfortable wearing womens clothes than mens but I always underdress so I guess that makes me different but I will say I am happier when Im Jeni but I just attribute that 2being a gurl, Im not any less happy as James just more so as Jeni. I love being me (Jeni/James)

[Kathi Lake]

All I can do is continue to draw strength from my friends and do the best I can in keeping that middle path under my feet.You got that right, my dear friend! We are here for you always! I am so sorry that you feel tortured. I am so sorry that you feel lonely. I do understand both feelings very well - I just usually choose to forget those feelings, put on my Pollyanna hat, and look on the bright side - and, honestly, a bright side it is. I am happy. I am healthy. I have a loving family, a great job, and a life of purpose and joy. And, occasionally, I get to swim in the stream that chance denied me. I get to be the woman that I at times feel I was meant to be. Sure, sometimes I have to put away the outer trappings of that life, but I always have what is inside me; Inside me is a woman - a woman as real, as caring, as loving, and as beautiful as any other woman out there. For me, that's enough.

Kathi

[Sophie86]

We got the kids out of the house last night, so we could have a girls' night in on the day before our 23rd anniversary. After dropping them off, we came back to the house and I spent a little time getting myself dolled up. We made dinner, had drinks, she took some pics of me, we watched TV together on the sofa, made love, and just generally enjoyed each other's company. I spent the night en femme snuggled up beside her. In the morning, I got up and made breakfast en femme, delaying the moment when I would have to take it all off. We had to go pick the kids up around noon, though, so I couldn't put it off long. Before I went to get my shower, I told my wife, "Give Sophie a kiss. It may be a while before you see her again."

I was wistful, but I wasn't depressed. Depressed is what I would be if I had to wake up tomorrow morning in the house alone with no wife and no children. They are the most important thing in my life.

Sophie is like a flower, and my male life is the stem and the roots. It would be a mistake for me to confuse the flower with the plant. I can't live my life as Sophie. It would be like snipping off a flower, tossing out the plant, and expecting the flower to grow and thrive on its own.

[monika]

I am always happy to go back to malemode.
Being a "woman" is so much work, don`t envy those who has to go through all that(makeup etc) everyday!
But it is fun and exciting to dress so it is worth it the couple of times a month I do it.

It is a bit sad to read how many on here who wants to live like women and feel they can`t be themselves.
You really have my sympathy; Everyone should be allowed to be who they truly are.
Makes me almost feel a bit guilty since dressing is only a fun little hobby for me since I have never felt I should have been a woman in real life

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I do not like neanderthalizing myself but have to do it every morning. Hate it, but as I re locate the boys for airing I must say it sucks harder than my vac pump on full bore.

[Cheryl James]

When I am not dressed as Cheryl, I am thinking about it and wishing that I was. When I am dressed as Cheryl, I am, painfully, aware that it has to end. It is, truly, a rollercoaster ride.

[Sara Jessica]

You got that right, my dear friend! We are here for you always! I am so sorry that you feel tortured. I am so sorry that you feel lonely. I do understand both feelings very well - I just usually choose to forget those feelings, put on my Pollyanna hat, and look on the bright side - and, honestly, a bright side it is. I am happy. I am healthy. I have a loving family, a great job, and a life of purpose and joy. And, occasionally, I get to swim in the stream that chance denied me. I get to be the woman that I at times feel I was meant to be. Sure, sometimes I have to put away the outer trappings of that life, but I always have what is inside me; Inside me is a woman - a woman as real, as caring, as loving, and as beautiful as any other woman out there. For me, that's enough.

Kathi

It's natural Kathi that you lean towards the bright side. By your own admission you gravitate to bright & shiny things ;)

Seriously, it's not very often I let the super serious feelings stuff bleed onto these pages but empathy from a friend like you makes it worthwhile. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed with all of the wonderful things you describe, health, a loving family, a good career...oh yeah, and this gender issue thing. Most of the time that is a blessing too, it's all I know. My heart struggles though more than it should which makes me wonder what the future has in store for me. I can only imagine what it'll be like in five years or so, and beyond. This is why I really need to keep my eye on the path. My friends do more than they'd ever realize in helping me do so.


Sophie is like a flower, and my male life is the stem and the roots. It would be a mistake for me to confuse the flower with the plant. I can't live my life as Sophie. It would be like snipping off a flower, tossing out the plant, and expecting the flower to grow and thrive on its own.

What a beautiful analogy, so pretty that I had to paint it pink!!! :)


It is a bit sad to read how many on here who wants to live like women and feel they can`t be themselves.
You really have my sympathy; Everyone should be allowed to be who they truly are.
Makes me almost feel a bit guilty since dressing is only a fun little hobby for me since I have never felt I should have been a woman in real life

Your empathy is so sweet Monika. And just as important you illustrate a very matter-of-fact manner a key point. Just as there are differences in the colors of the rainbow, there are obvious differences within our vast community and we all deal with reverting back in different ways. I can almost envy your perspective on things.

[Pythos]

Really the only time I return to boy mode, is when I am made to by family obligations, or by flying. My job I can go my legginged androgynous to male look.

But as I have mentioned before a clear sign that I am depressed is when I stay in jeans when I no longer "need" to be in them. I dislike slacks and would get out of those asap, and if I had to wear them and stayed in them longer than necessary, I am REALLY depressed. LOL

[Gerrijerry]

What is male mode. Oh yea I remember. Been a while.

[Deanna B]

:love:hi i to get very miserable but i keep my nail painted toes and hands and i always wear panties
love deanna .