My wife withdrew her divorce request this morning

[DeeDee1974]

After some time apart and some experiences with men for bothof us, we decided we are happiest together.

Basically, the guy I was with was using me for sex, but had no intention of a long term relationship. When i found out, I was heart broken. My wife was really there for me. After a week of staying with her she confessed to missing what we had and so did I.

We are going to start marriage therapy this week because we have always had a low sex relationship. I always assumed it was because my wife is 55 that she just wasn't interested. Turns out it is because we are both submissive women. So that will be our main stumbling block as we go forward. Emotionally we are on the same page.

[Holly]

DeeDee, happy to hear that you and your wife are renewing your commitments to one another. Do you think at least some of the difficulties the two of you experienced was was due, in part, to insufficent communications between the two of you? What will you do differently now?

[DeeDee1974]

DeeDee, happy to hear that you and your wife are renewing your commitments to one another. Do you think at least some of the difficulties the two of you experienced was was due, in part, to insufficent communications between the two of you? What will you do differently now?

Communication or lack there of was a huge problem. Therapy is a step in the right direction. Understanding sex is less important than our emotional connection, but still important. My wife is extremely succesful and works almost everyday. So we'll need to set some weekly private time up where the only thing that matters is us. We get to wipe the slate clean with communication and honesty. Most couples don't get this chance.

[Melody Moore]

Turns out it is because we are both submissive women. So that will be our main stumbling block as we go forward. Emotionally we are on the same page.
You have just described what took me years and a number of failed relationships to understand. I use to think it was a good thing that I was always on the exact same page with my partners, but now understand that it's not such a good thing if both are submissive. I could be dominate in starting a relationship, but then I always regressed into this submissive female role in my relationships where I expected my partner to always more dominate.

Traditionally females are usually submissive creatures, so being dominate all the time is something that they are not use to if their partner happens to be a submissive transsexual female. So some females if allowed to be very dominate let it go to their head and then they crush the soul of their submissive partners because they tend to go overboard in the power trip. This was the case with my ex-wife. I was heart broken because I believed that we had a lot emotionally in common and our love would always last, but then she changed into someone or something else when she discovered that she really wore the pants in our relationship.

The dream I had of being in a relationship with someone I felt emotionally in-tune or on the same page with has gone completely out the door with my last relationship. I couldn't be anymore submissive & giving of myself in the relationship & I still got walked all over. I took a genuine interest in things that interested her because they also interested me, including floral art, sewing & shopping. I had stopped repressing my interest in feminine things & even told her many clues that should have told her everything about my true gender identity, but she didn't want to see it, let alone accept it at that stage. So now it has been replaced by a need for a relationship that has the emotional compatibility, respect & understanding for each of the roles you want in the relationship and i am not sure now I will find that in another woman.

You are right, communication is important, I tried to tell my girlfriend, but I don't think she wanted to listen.
We broke up & I started my transitioning, so now it comes as a shock, but though time we are working
through things. However I don't think we can ever be so close again and will only ever be good friends.

It's sad to hear that you got used & abused for sex and wasn't going to ever develop into a long term relationship, but I don't believe that all men are the same even though my experience has taught me to think most men only have sex on the brain. LOL I know one day the right guy will come along who is willing to give me everything I want and they will prove that to me through patience, understanding & respect.

I see other girls that have it, so why can't you & I? :hugs:

[CharleneT]

. . . We get to wipe the slate clean with communication and honesty. Most couples don't get this chance.

I think you are very lucky indeed ! I wish you all the luck in working out the issues with your wife. It is very wonderful to hear about a situation where the end of the story can turn out good (wrst to marriage, most of our stories are sad).

I think communication problems are at the root of many troubled marriages, regardless of the other possible issues. Most of us started out loving/adoring and talking and all that... then things break down and after a while it seems to difficult to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again. KUDOS to you for trying !!

[Gypsy Sam]

DeeDEE,

See that you are online this 12-20-10 @ 1.20 pm, so I hope to hear back from you. Submissive has been my composite all my life in regard to relationships that is. Being raised by a over the top Mother and a passive father, developed my personality to be trying to please the dominant personality for approval. Having recognized the behavior response, I still fall victim to it in work and play. My wifes mellowing after the change in life has reduced the behavorial need, as well as my cognition of the interaction. I do recommend a long term relationship with a understanding female who accepts all your flaws, and loves you anyway . Companionship with mutual respect, and regard for each othe ,while moving forward in our lives is most prefferable.

Gypsy Sam

[DeeDee1974]

Gypsy,

I had a very dominant father & passive mother. My mother and I were always close plus physically I look just like her. All the women and men I have dated are outwardly dominate and very successful in their careers.

[Melody Moore]

All the women and men I have dated are outwardly dominate and very successful in their careers.
But this does not make them good people to be with in relationships, because those who usually are dominate in their careers
& businesses are usually bullies in most other aspects of their lives. A healthy relationship needs to balance the passiveness &
dominance between both partners to a point that both partners are content - this is why communication is key in the relationship.

[Kaz]

DeeDee,

You two are in a good place right now... I so hope it works for you! I guess you may need to get into "roleplay" a little! And that can be fun!

[DeeDee1974]

DeeDee,

You two are in a good place right now... I so hope it works for you! I guess you may need to get into "roleplay" a little! And that can be fun!

Yes we will. Our therapist specializes in sex therapy so I'm sure she we tell us where to start. We need a lot of help on this department.

[Inna]

What a wonderful thing this life is and the love which fills its valleys and plains fulfills and inspires. Happy Holidays hon!

[Xandria]

i'm very glad to hear that the both of you are working TOGETHER to make this work. its a sad deal that you had to split up but hey.. at least you're making mends and starting down the road to a much happier place!!

[Melody Moore]

DeeDee,

You two are in a good place right now... I so hope it works for you! I guess you may need to get into "roleplay" a little! And that can be fun!

Yes we will. Our therapist specializes in sex therapy so I'm sure she we tell us where to start. We need a lot of help on this department.

I don't think role playing in relationships comes easily, because its really 'acting' and we are doing something that isn't true about ourselves.

As far back as I can remember I 'role-played' as a male in every aspect of my life, including in the bedroom. I had to keep having a fantasy
image or video running through my head that it was me who was laying there on the receiving end during lovemaking - I always had to see
myself always in a lesbian type role in order to be interested & to 'get off'. If I got distracted from my fantasy role I would lose interest in sex
almost immediately. This created insecurities for my partners where they felt something was wrong with them & they were not good enough.

I think most will find role-playing in love making very challenging more so than being fun which seems to always come
from something more natural & spontaneous that comes from just being yourself & we tend to naturally regress towards.

I am a little worried but not too worried because you are under a therapist who will help you work through these issues. But I
have to be honest in saying that my main concern with you both right now is that you might be fulfilling an emotional void with
each other, especially after you come out of something where you felt 'used' because that relationship lacked emotion you demand.

Your wife also admits to also missing you, so she is also experiencing an emotional void in her life right now, but will she be able
to deal with the social transition she has to go through with your transitioning? How will she feel about being in a lesbian relationship?
How will her family & friends treat her? How well do you think she might cope with criticism & abuse? And how will this impact
on your relationship over the longer term and these are some of the issues I think you will be confronted by and here is why...

I split from my girlfriend to start my transitioning on my own without someone else complicating matters for me & because I didn't
want to complicate theirs anymore than it already was. I gave my girlfriend a couple of months on her own before I contacted her
to tell her about my transitioning. When I did tell her and she seen me for the first time as a female, I still continued to give her lots
of time & space & without any pressure whatsoever of ever reforming our relationship to come to terms with it & deal with her issues.

At first when my girlfriend seen me it came as a shock, then she had to come to terms with who I really am so I gave her lots of time & space to do that. Like your wife my girlfriend also missed what we had so we got back together just like you are doing now, but that is when the reality really set in with her that I was a female and there was no going back. So any relationship with me was going to be a lesbian relationship so she had to come to terms with her own sexuality.

However my girlfriend's family's acceptance of her being in a lesbian relationship was our major stumbling block and one that she cannot get over. At first she agreed to go and see my therapist who could help us work through these issues, but later she changed her mind. The reason being that my girlfriend's parents, children & former partner who has custody of her kids have issues with her being in a lesbian relationship with me.

So the intimacy in our relationship still happens every now & again but only in a much more discreet manner. I know I can't change the way she feels about the social stigma from her family and I cannot force her to change. So I know that despite the fact we are the best of friends we will never be in a proper relationship ever again. It still hurts me a fair bit to know she wants me to find someone else, but I also know it's for the best because I know she cannot give me what I want now.

I am also a little worried because you mentioned the need to wipe the slate clean with honesty & communication. My experience has shown me that once trust is damaged it is usually impossible to get back. It only takes one tiny thing to set things off and you are right back to square one if mistrust ever existed in the relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that your wife has withdrawn her request for a divorce and is reconsidering your marriage, but I think there is a long way to go and there will be many hurdles to overcome and in lots of cases some of these hurdles might never be effectively dealt with. I am not wanting to sound negative here, I just hope you are prepared for the worst because sometimes things don't work out like you would hope.

But no matter what you will always find people here that are always there for you as well.

Goodluck and I really hope you can work this all out. :hugs:

[JenniferB]

Basically, the guy I was with was using me for sex, but had no intention of a long term relationship. When i found out, I was heart broken. My wife was really there for me.
wow...this is an interesting scenario...

[7sisters]

Turns out it is because we are both submissive women.

From what I have read, it seems to be common. A lot of ggs married to CDs have this speedbreaker in the relationship. Both submissive.
On the other hand, it's good to know you feel emotionally safe and connected with each other. Good luck to you both.

[donnalee]

I don't think either of us is particularly submissive; in fact, so much the opposite, and stubborn to boot, that no one else would have us, at least not for long! :o We've been battling the world and each other for better than 40 years (one has to make one's own space) and expect to keep it up until at least one of us is gone (we seem to be the one-hoss shay; she's older but physically in better shape).:heehee:
Good luck & best wishes; I hope everthing works out for you.
Donna

[Gerrijerry]

Hope it works out for both of you.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Yes we will. Our therapist specializes in sex therapy so I'm sure she we tell us where to start. We need a lot of help on this department.

DeeDee

It sounds like you and youir wife may be on a road to healing. I'm glad the two of you are seeing a therapist. Just remember that couseling is about give and take, both of you have to be comfortable with anything that is suggested. Take small steps and encourage one another to grow. What works for you may not work for others. Open communication, is the best thing to restore a relationship. There are a lot of posts in this forum where couples reconnect and rekindle their marriages.

[DeeDee1974]

DeeDee

It sounds like you and youir wife may be on a road to healing. I'm glad the two of you are seeing a therapist. Just remember that couseling is about give and take, both of you have to be comfortable with anything that is suggested. Take small steps and encourage one another to grow. What works for you may not work for others. Open communication, is the best thing to restore a relationship. There are a lot of posts in this forum where couples reconnect and rekindle their marriages.

we met with our therapist for the first time this morning. Let's just say our therapist doesn't mess around. I really got some insight into my wife's thought process. It was the most open she's ever been about sex and sexuality. She said she has a lot of worry about how her friends and collegues perceive her being with me. She knows she shouldn't let others dictate her feelings, but it still happens.

Most shocking was the level of kink she is actually into. She said she likes to read erotic stories with gay and lesbian themes. She has gone to lesbian bars several times in her life, but just observed. She fantasizes about being more dominant and hopes to explore this with me. As the session ended she said she would like me to dress sexier around the house.

I had a feeling her alpha side might be revealed.

[Nicki S]

That sounds like your session went very well. Congrats on rebuilding your marriage. Having an Alpha female is a lot of fun. Hopefully the two of you get to fully explore your desires.

[Melody Moore]

She said she has a lot of worry about how her friends and collegues perceive her being with me. She knows she shouldn't let others dictate her feelings, but it still happens.

What did I say in my last post would be your biggest stumbling block?

Anyway I would like to say congratulations for the successes you had in in your first meeting with your therapist
and also with your wife, because getting your partner there can sometimes be a huge hurdle to get over in itself.

It's really great that your wife is willing to work on things and is opening about about sex & her sexuality - my girlfriend was the
same, however the social transition that she has to go through with my transitioning turned out to be the biggest stumbling block
of all. My girlfriend also knows that she shouldn't let others dictate her feelings, but just like with your wife, it will weigh heavily on
your relationship unless its addressed in the right way. One thing I found that helps things along is finding new friends to socialise
with who will support your new relationship without fear of any criticism. I took my girlfriend to some LGBTI events and I found that
this helped tremendously in the beginning to make her feel that she could have a life with friends who were totally accepting of our
relationship. So when it comes to friends my girlfriend has no issues. The only hurdle that still stood in her way was her family. You
can find new friends easily to replace those that won't accept you both in your relationship, but you can't ever find a new family. And
sadly it is the family that will impact the most on your relationship and cause the most damage - this is what I am most concerned
about in your case as well. Does your wife have much family left in her life that she is in regular contact with that might cause issues?

[Kelly DeWinter]

we met with our therapist for the first time this morning. Let's just say our therapist doesn't mess around. I really got some insight into my wife's thought process. It was the most open she's ever been about sex and sexuality. She said she has a lot of worry about how her friends and collegues perceive her being with me. She knows she shouldn't let others dictate her feelings, but it still happens.

Most shocking was the level of kink she is actually into. She said she likes to read erotic stories with gay and lesbian themes. She has gone to lesbian bars several times in her life, but just observed. She fantasizes about being more dominant and hopes to explore this with me. As the session ended she said she would like me to dress sexier around the house.

I had a feeling her alpha side might be revealed.

LOL, I'm really not surprised, that she likes to read erotic stories, Generaly Men, for the most part are visualy stimulated (look at the number of porn sites men visit and the number of Victoria Secrects stores), women, generaly on the other hand for the most part are mentaly stimulated (look at the number of romance novels written, and yes every one of them has light porn written into them) I have never visited a library in a major city in the United States, that does NOT have a large section of romance novels. I've found that most men have never read a romance novel, and if they would, they might me generaly surprised at what is written.

Why not have your spouse pick out a novel or two, and you read it to her or togeather ?

[Pink Person]

It might be helpful to remind yourselves that not all women are submissive, and not all men are dominant. Some women are dominant. Some men are submissive. In addition, we all have major and minor power preferences in different situations. People who are dominant in some situations might be submissive in others, and vice versa.

Since both you and your wife self-identify as women, the only question to be settled is how each of you will express your feminine power. Every woman has a white swan and a black swan inside of her (go see the new movie Black Swan for illustration). Being a dominant woman doesn’t make you a man. Don’t fall for the stereotypes about masculinity and femininity. You can be a dominant woman and still be completely feminine.

My advice to you and your wife is that both of you should play with your power. It won’t make either of you less feminine. Perhaps you will discover ways to play together that will make each of you happier.

[Sejd]

Sounds like an excellent beginning for a new year for your both. Good luck.

[Katie Moore]

What a wonderful thing this life is and the love which fills its valleys and plains fulfills and inspires.


That's a very wonderful thing to say. I could not have said it better...

[Katesback]

Rule #1. Any man that dates a girl with a penis is 99% of the time only wanting sex so as to satisfy whatever fantasy he has at that moment in time. I would suggest to you to get an HIV test while your at it just to be sure since the odds are that that guy probably is having sex with all sorts of interesting people.

Katie

[DeeDee1974]

@Katie,

i have always used protection with men and when single and dating both men and women made sure to get myself tested. While it hurt that he was mostly into the physical , I don't fault him for having a sexual fantasy. He was a fantasy to me as well. He was handsome with a nice build and something big that i really enjoyed during our time together.