Letting go

[Kokoro]

I've come to terms with who and what I am, but things still linger around me like some sort of guilt, urging me 'not to do it'. Allow me to explain.

As I slowly crawled out of depression I began building my life back up again. I made dreams and goals for myself and for the last 2 years they've been my driving force. Now as I face the prospect of transition I realise I have nothing. Almost everything about my life up until this point has been based around a male identity. Ironically I have constructed an image of my life for the next 3 or 4 years when my transition should take place. However, everything past that is based on a male identity.

It is these thoughts that create my fears about transitioning. I have pictured myself as a husband, a father, a successful individual living in another country with a good job. What I cannot seem to do is translate that into a wife, a mother, and even being successful with a good job as a female. I'm blinded by what I think I have now that I cannot see what I could have.

How do I let go of all these fears and embrace a future that isn't bound to being male?

[Melody Moore]

How do I let go of all these fears and embrace a future that isn't bound to being male?Start by accepting who you are and live your life in the present, start living your life as your true self in the here & the now.

[gretchen2]

Fear is a good thing not a bad thing, it can keep you safe. Just go slow and let it happen naturally.

[Jenna Lynne]

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an alternate biography of myself. My situation is a little different from yours, but that might be an exercise to try. Let your imagination roam free, creating another past history for yourself, and all the experiences that go with it.

[Lexine]

If we really knew the answers about our future, we'd all be stock brokers and be millionaires in the process :D

The fear of the uncertain is always lingering in our minds, but those types of things should be seen as challenges to overcome and not walls that we stop and stare right infront of. What matters more is what you do with the time given to you.

Will you stop dead in your tracks and obsess about what might happen in the future?

Or will you rather do something productive in the process, progressing ever so carefully towards your goal?

[Angel.Marie76]

Transition is so uniquely individualistic, it is hard to just give a simple thought in one direction or another to make it any 'easier' for someone to move forward if it is their wish to do so.

Many of us have dreams about the things we aspire to be when transitioning, and yet, know that we can't just flip the switch and live life as the other gender without so many repercussions. In many situations with folks they have to step away from everything they knew and were and must start anew, not necessarily stealth, but just 'fresh'. Others, well, at least in my case, continue their lives and just shift their expectations and outlooks as you go. Women can be parents just like any other - what is it that makes a good parent? -- certainly not gender. Again, same for a fantastic career.. if you put your heart into a job, and pour your energy within, what makes you so decidedly male in doing so? Could a woman execute your job with similar expertise? What about with more finesse and class? There are some incredibly powerful women in the employed world that ARE NOT JUST the wives of powerful husbands.

You life is your own and you do with it as you will. If you continue your path, embracing your beliefs or ideals about what you THINK are good positive traits might help you fall easier into the realization that, whether we are male or female, we all live the sames lives. Whether you live that life with a sparkle in your eye and a gloss on your lips, or dirt on your clothes and a shovel in your hand, remember that it is our own happiness that is our guide.

[Stephanie Anne]

Once you accept that you are going to have moments of fear and self doubt and are able to make it through those moments, then you can start building the positive side of your life.

I think the hardest thing for a lot of us (myself included) is the acceptance that such fears don't just go away. It's how we learn to cope with it and stop it controlling our actions that we move forward.

[Jorja]

You have to remember that although we aspire to be women we were born male like it or not. It is part of us. While it is good to look to the future and develop a plan, it is also necessary to carry our past along with us. You need to learn to blend and balance the two. I know, easier said than done. You need to make her the sum of both if that makes sense. As for the fears of transitioning, good for you. You should be feeling that fear. It is there to slow you down and make you aware of each and every move. Don't let it stop you, work through it. When you are sure of the next step then proceed.

[Melody Moore]

Thinking more about this I believe that setting new goals is the key to help you let go of
any dreams, goals or ambitions that you set yourself in the past when you lived as a male.

There is no failure on your part for having changing your aspirations, this is something we all need
to do throughout our lives regardless of whether we are transitioning or not. Things will happen in
life that will put obstacles in our paths that will sometimes making our goals impossible to reach.

I think you were always going to run into some issues with these types of matters at some point in
your life regardless of the fact that you decided to transition. You seem to have your goals locked into
stone. But goals should be fluid because sometimes no matter how hard you work or what you do,
they will often slip through your fingers and drift away. We all would hope that out journey through
life will go smoothly as if it was running along a monorail. But the reality is our path in life is more like
a downhill obstacle course with many twists & turns and slow & fast sections to try and negotiate.
The only successful way to negotiate such an tough obstacle course is by being very agile & flexible.

One goal I had for many years was owning a charter boat business on the Great Barrier Reef and running the
business with my late younger brother who was tragically killed in 1994. Previous to this I devoted quite a few
years to working on boats to gain the necessary sea-time experience. When my brother was murdered in 1994
this dream I held onto so dearly went flying straight out the door. The path I had to negotiate after this served
up many twists and turns. I found myself living interstate and in a totally different career as a graphic artist. But
life is what you make of it. My brother was gone & nothing would ever bring him back so any dreams I had that
included him were gone as well. I got over my loss by focusing on my new career, my new friends & my new life.
Eventually I finished up back in college, studying IT so the twists & turns still carried on for many years after that
and they still continue to this day and will always be there until the day that I die.

A few weeks ago while I was in hospital I said to a friend of mine on this forum in a private message that I was
unsure about my future because I couldn't see any path ahead of me at that point of time. But I also knew in my
heart that if I just kept an open mind to things that something will soon reveal itself and it has! A new path has
since revealed itself along with a whole new set of dreams, goals & aspirations, so this is what I am now moving
towards. But I am also aware that at any point something else could pop up and change everything and my current
dreams, goals & aspirations can slip easily though my fingers being as fluid as they are. So my suggestion is don't
ever try setting anything in stone in your life - Life your life based around who you are, where you are and what is
available to you right here and now. Hanging onto dreams or anything else for that matter from the past will serve
you no purpose whatsoever - they are past & gone - so learn to let go. Don't ever worry about what you 'could &
should' have done, worry about what you can & will do and then you will find yourself living life without any regrets.

I hope this has helped you in some way to overcome some of these issues and learn to let go. :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

Me, I have been finding that one of the best ways to get over my fears is to... well, to stop fearing them so much.

In particular, I used to be afraid of HRT: "everyone knows" that it is Dangerous, "everyone knows" that it'll make you Look Like A Woman, "everyone knows" that you'll go sterile, "everyone knows" that it's only for Transsexuals and not the androgynous, "everyone knows" that I'd be turned down... and so on.

Until finally some kind of switch in me flipped, and instead of just reading about it and being afraid of it, I decided I would get myself an appointment and ask how it would affect me. Whereupon I promptly found that my gender therapist thought it was a terrific idea for me, and would write me The Letter no problem. I went in and booked the preliminary appointment, had to wait months for an opening... and the clinic went and hired more people and so got me in months before. My preliminary screening went just fine. I told my other (general life) therapist about investigating and she was cool about it and has continued to ask me how it is going. I've had the second appointment too, and the doctor said clearly that it was not necessary to be TS, and the third appointment is already booked. I got some blood test results back from my regular doctor, and everything looks fine w/r/t the items that would be considered for HRT (except my chloresterol).

I was originally quite concerned about E.D. and sterility... but after I started approaching the matter seriously, from a "Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask about it" point of view, more and more things just keep falling in to place to move forward, and my fears of the consequences keep receeding. Not that I don't still question myself, but as possibilities become less abstract and unknown and become more and more realistic and under my control, I fear less and less.

My regular therapist points out that it doesn't hurt to get all the information in place, that the timing of making a decision is under my control.

A friend points out that starting, giving a try, does not oblige me to continue if I don't want to.

I used to be afraid of getting fired for wearing clothes that were too obviously female. Until I had enough of my fear and asked what the dress code was. Answer: our dress code consists entirely of "Wear appropriate safety equipment for the job", nothing more.

Or when I was wondering not long ago, "Suppose I start asking people to call me Ms, or start marking down Ms as my title... isn't that.. isn't maybe that.. illegal? Outright, or perhaps considered a form of fraud?" So I researched and asked around, and Nope, nothing illegal about it.

Thus, the key for me to move ahead has been to stop holding on to my fears as fears, and to instead face them and ask questions to find out what my options really are, to ask whether those worst case scenarios would actually apply to me, and to research how to deal with the barriers. And as I proceed, I find that some of the barriers were only in my mind, that some of the barriers just don't apply to my situation, that other of the barriers can be monitored and mitigated... and that sometimes the "worst case" possibilities stop less important to me than going ahead is.

I still don't know "Where am I going??" -- but I am shifting from "It might be a disaster" to "Let's investigate and see what can be done."

[Schatten Lupus]

It is these thoughts that create my fears about transitioning. I have pictured myself as a husband, a father, a successful individual living in another country with a good job. What I cannot seem to do is translate that into a wife, a mother, and even being successful with a good job as a female. I'm blinded by what I think I have now that I cannot see what I could have.
My problem is, if I don't transition I can very easily picture myself where I will be. When I think of transitioning, my future is blank. I know if I don't I will make alot more money and I won't have to work nearly as hard to gain peoples respect, but I don't know what to think of, other than knowing what kind of career I'll have when I'm done at school. And when I consider the things I want to do, such as teach in Japan, things start to get very complicated.
I find it funny that I wanted to go to school originally just to make my transition easier and have a much better chance at getting a job by getting post-grad degree for a professional field. However with the things I am wanting to do I have a very hard time working a transition in, such as; if I am on HRT and travel overseas to study or teach, how would I continue therapy and acquire hormones. Thus I have found myself in the position of needing a therapist.

[Kokoro]

Thanks everyone, I've taken to heart what you've said.

I still have the fears and apprehensions but I understand now I must work through them with a positive attitude and take each day as it comes, always going forward and not dwelling on what could have been. My life won't suddenly end after I've completed transition and there is a long way to go until that time. Thankies. :)

[danielleb]

I think that if you don't break most of your goals over the course of the next ten years of your life, you're probably doing something wrong!:battingeyelashes:
It's great to have plans, but being able to adapt to life as it happens is a much bigger challenge. It's through those adaptations that you will truly define yourself.:)

[Kia_Williams]

I hope its helpful if i pull apart your expression and go piece by peice, because sometimes, that's all 'a big thing' is.


I've come to terms with who and what I am, but things still linger around me like some sort of guilt, urging me 'not to do it'.

Fear, just fear of the unknown, uncertainty, thats all, its okay and natural, a good guide that perhaps you might want to examine whatever it is that prompted the 'urging' before deciding on continuing.


Allow me to explain.
As I slowly crawled out of depression I began building my life back up again. I made dreams and goals for myself and for the last 2 years they've been my driving force. Now as I face the prospect of transition I realise I have nothing.

men dream and plan as men :) and mice dream and plan as mice, you have the capacity and capability to dream and plan and make goals for yourself, that's a lot of potential :)


Almost everything about my life up until this point has been based around a male identity. Ironically I have constructed an image of my life for the next 3 or 4 years when my transition should take place. However, everything past that is based on a male identity.

*nods* by neccessity your life image would be as a 'transitioning man', psychologically the 'male identity' is your current frame of reference, allow yourself some 'girl time', no pressure, no planning just.. let yourself have a girls veiw on the world, it'll grow up into a womans veiw on the world at some point.


It is these thoughts that create my fears about transitioning. I have pictured myself as a husband, a father, a successful individual living in another country with a good job. What I cannot seem to do is translate that into a wife, a mother, and even being successful with a good job as a female.

Because there is no translation, if there we're, men would understand women far better than they do and vice versa, they wouldnt be from mars and we wouldn't be from venus. And ultimately, the definitions of wife, mother and well-employed woman, differ from person to person anyway, ultimately 'wife' for you would have its own unique Kokoro-ness.


I'm blinded by what I think I have now that I cannot see what I could have. How do I let go of all these fears and embrace a future that isn't bound to being male?

See above and above posts :)