pondering hormones. (kinda long winded )

[kym]

good afternoon ladies and gents,

I have been reading on this forum for a while about transitioning and there is a wealth of information on here, and I am grateful for it. I am now seriously looking into a gender therapist and the possibility of going on hormones the right way. The one question that is in the back of my mind is how its going to affect my wife in regards to her family and some of her friends. A few of her friends and all of my friends know about me, and everyone that knows is extremely accepting to the point of calling us up and letting us know they would like to go out to eat or just hang out and they want Kym to be there. My family knows and some are accepting and some are not,which is what I expected, my mother is very supportive to the point of buying my female presents for the last three years, my father has very little to do with me now due to my coming out to him. My wifes family on the other hand... her sister lives with us and loves both sides of me, her father has passed on but was a closeted crossdresser, and her mother doesn't know and most likely will not be supportive, she may even try to convince the wife to leave me. I am wondering if I am able to do that to my wife, put her through the alienation that will most likely come with transition. Her take on it is simple,(and yes she has as much input into this decision as I do) she married me knowing I was a crossdresser, she loves me for who I am and not the clothes I wear on the sex I present, if her family has a problem with it the its their problem not hers. But I do know this could be painful for her if they do have negative reactions. Any advice would be most helpful and appreciated.

[Stephanie Anne]

You are going to have to know, not fear that some day your wife may leave you for transitioning. If you can't accept that then now may not be the time to transition.

There is always hope that she will accept you regardless but the is also the possibility that you will no longer be the man she married and she does not want to be married to a woman. It is quite depressing to think about it but needs to be addressed.

[CharleneT]

Going to a therapist, especially one who is experienced with gender issues is the thing it sounds like you should do first. It is great that you have some people around you who support where you are and what you are struggling with - that can be rare. From what you have said, it seems that your wife is the sort who could stay with your thru transition ( should you and your therapist decide that is the way). One thing to consider, and I do not mean to be negative, but there is a very big gulf between accepting how you may dress or present sometimes vs. actually changing genders. Opinions vary, but in my experience the transitioning person changes a lot. That can be hard on the person who is not. I believe it would be a good idea to include your wife in the therapy - or have a separate couples therapist to help the both of you with issues - if you move forward with these plans.


p.s. just a small side note, this forum is for all sorts, not just "ladies" ;)

[kym]

your right Stephanie i do need to be ready for that and I am, I believe deep in my heart that she won't leave unless her family puts too much pressure on her, but if she leaves then she leaves, not that I want her to in any way. One of the main reasons I am going to a gender therapist is to make sure hormones and transitioning is right for me from a professional's point of view. One thing that makes me think that she will stick around is the fact that she encourages me to be myself around the house and she knows that I am most comfortable dressed up, she goes out in public with me all dolled up and has no problem holding hands or hugging or anything like that.

[sandra-leigh]

Hormones do less physically than is often expected of them. Your skin might change a bit. Your face might get a bit fatter. You might put on some weight. Your waistline might shrink some. Your breasts will probably enlarge and you might get aereola larger than male, but about all you be be relatively sure of in the enlargement is A cup, possibly "approaching B": anything bigger than that becomes statistically rapidly less common (but it can happen.) After two or so years on hormones, your butt might start to get larger. Your testes will probably get smaller and your penis will probably get smaller, but how small is variable.

And that's about it.

How big is "A" cup? Well, I'm about that 38A already and I haven't taken hormones; if I am not wearing a bra then not many people would notice them, unless perhaps they happened to see me without a shirt and bent over. The average underwear manikin in the department store has more visible definition than I have.

Breast enlargement through hormones is a genetic crap-shoot as to what kind of breasts you will develop. You might develop something that is mostly tissue -- if so, then, like for me, possibly no-one will notice. If you develop a mix of fat and some tissue, then depending on the distribution, it might just be taken to be "moobs". The most obvious combination is when you get some shaping tissue and you get some fat migration to the area: in that case, you might develop obvious "hangers" or might develop obvious cleavage. Though there is a possibility of developing firm-ish conical breasts with not much volume but very obvious shape: those can be more difficult to hide.

Rounded sort of breasts up to about small B are not all that difficult to hide from people who don't see you topless. Mind you, all bets on hiding are off if the custom in your parts is to wear T-shirts and do manual work in the heat that plasters the shirt to your body -- instant wet-T-shirt contest.

That said... don't go blaming me if under the influence of hormones, you decide you want a female hair-cut or long nails or "nice little tatoo". And don't be startled if people find that you are using more feminine gestures even if you don't study them or use them deliberately. There are a bunch of movement and gesture cues that you might "fall in to".

You have some degree of control over the boobs: if they start growing in a shape or size that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can stop the hormones or get the mix changed.

Hormones are not going to change the shape of your face or make your nose any smaller and they won't do very much about your facial hair, and they won't make your eyebrows any more shapely.

Hormones are not the same as transition or SRS. You might, however, find that you wish to persue further body modifications.

If you do not get further body modifications, and you wear a bust-minimizing top (if need be), then your give-away will probably be your gestures -- that or the fact that you automatically headed to the womens washroom...

[Nigella]

Hi Kym

Well at least you are on to a good start. Your wife accepts you for who you are and embraces you, Kym, as part of her life. Family will always be a pressure on a relationship even without the added "secret" of transgenderism. I am well aware of this from a personal level, where at one point I had to choose between family and my as then fiance. I chose my fiance, and whilst the personal relationhip between me and my family was strained, we worked it out in the end. All this was without any indication of transgenderism.

As for where your wife will fit into your future, she will be the ultimate one to make that decision, all you can do is assist her in ensuring that she has all the facts in front of her. One way that you can ensure this happens is to include her in the meetings with the gender specialists. I have with Sandra, even though there was an indication that they wanted to have a meeting with me alone. It was made clear that Sandra was very much part of this and that she was to be included in all aspects of the transitional process.

You are going on the right way, just be sure it is what you want, that your wife knows and let her decide the future she wants.

Best wishes

[Jorja]

NO DON'T DO IT!!!!! :D

From reading your posts it looks like you are doing all the right things as far as wanting to transition goes. As for your wife, I think she will remain with you unless her family makes it unbearable for her. It's a crap shoot. Either way just be prepared for the outcome.

[Melody Moore]

You have had some great advice so far in this thread, and from what I am reading in your posts you have been weighing everything
up in a very rational manner, so well done! Obviously you have been giving this a lot of thought and done quite a lot of homework to
get to the point that you are at now & you don't sound like someone who wants to hide your femininity away from the world anymore.

Some nay-sayers on this site who seem to have fears about hormone therapy, or have some other anti-transsexual agenda have no idea
on the affects of hormone therapy and what transitioning actually does for a person. While I do think its good to get a different perspective,
I don't believe these people should really be weighing into these debates with an opinion about hormones because they haven't had any
real experience of what its really like to be on hormone therapy to speak about it - but that is just my personal opinion for what it's worth.

Hormones doesn't always make your face & body fatter, what it does does do is make it more feminine. I have lost weight since starting
hormones, dropping from 100kgs down to 85kgs but I have done that through changing my diet & getting more exercise - my goal is 75kg.

You skin doesn't change just a bit, it changes a lot! You just don't get bigger breasts with an areola that is larger than male, your breast
get sore from the fact they are developing milk glands & are no different from any other female breast & contain the same breast tissue.
So they are not 'moobs' or man-boobs made up of only fatty tissue. Breast development is different in everyone some have good results,
some have some get some not so favourable results. The same goes with your body hair, the changes are very dramatic. Overall this all
amounts to dramatic changes in your body & how you feel about yourself. I don't see a male in the mirror, what I see now is only female.

But there are pros & cons to everything including hormone therapy. But for me personally, I find the pros far outweigh the cons, because the most
valuable thing I gained from starting hormone therapy was an inner peace & happiness which has made me feel very positive & confident. For me
I think this is more important than my male libido for example because I was so reclusive and withdrawn in my life prior to starting on hormones.

I agree with most of the others here and think that you are off to a great start and you are very lucky to have such a supporting wife, but as
others have already said, you have to be well prepared for the worst case scenario before you even begin. I was prepared to lose all my friends
and family over my decision to transition because my life for me up to that point was in such a mess anyway, so I felt I had nothing to lose and
everything to gain and for me so far I feel I have gained a lot more than I ever lost. I feel now my life is only just beginning. It could be different
for you because we are all different, but this is how things have been so far for me.

[Rianna Humble]

Kym,

I love your wife's attitude, and your concern for her shows what a sweet woman you really are. Transition is a bit like starting out on a journey of exploration in a strange land - we don't really know everything that lies ahead bbut we know which way we are going.

I think it is wonderful that your wife wants to undertake the journey with you and I echo the advice about including her in the therapy sessions. Not just to make her feel part of it, but also to help her to cope with the changes she will no doubt see.

It will not be nice if your mother in law turns against your wife, but at least she will have the support of other members of her family and of your mutual friends.

I haven't really got any advice, because I think you are already going about this the right way - including your wife in the decisions, seeking professional help and so on.

[kym]

a huge thank you to everyone, Me and my wife had a long talk over the last two days which was very much needed. The only request she had was for my male side to make an appearance every once in a great while. She said that she will deal with her family her way for me just to concentrate on being myself and happy. She married me knowing that this would come and it was her decision almost a year ago to stick with her life long partner no matter what and she intends to stick to it. Turns out that she was bi curious and now she has the best of both worlds, however she knows that eventually she will just have Kym as her wife and not my male side as a husband and she is ready for that. After the holidays we are telling my mother our decision about hormones for me and instead of my current wardrobe being mostly female with very few things its going to evolve into all female so I can start living as Kym 100%, and that was her idea.