Sometimes I feel like a yo-yo

[Steph.TS]

I know that this is something I need to talk to a gender therapist about, but I find myself having moments where it's like I've had water splashed on my face and I'm perfectly clear minded and ashamed that I ever wanted to become a woman, but then I have moments where I know more than anything that I have to transition, to become the woman I need to become. When I have this desire to become a woman, I actually fear that if I don't act now I'll just stay a man for the rest of my life, and that bothers greatly.

I am upset that I keep bouncing back and forth. when I become ashamed of me wanting to be a woman, I'm also fearful of many things that I've mentioned b4(basically a lack of acceptance).

[sandra-leigh]

I go through times when I'm not especially "feeling" gender issues, and at those times my sense of the hugeness and weirdness of what I am doing can come up, along with my fears... fears of social acceptance, fears for my job, fears of medical complications, fears that I'm making a strange short-term decision that might not really be what I want over the long term... fears that my current relationship will end (not necessarily for reasons related to my gender issues) and that I'll later find a new one with someone young enough to reproduce and wanting to and here I would have lost the capability... and so on.

Then there are other times, especially when I'm on the border between sleeping and waking up, times when internal feelings take hold unmoderated by "reason" -- and at those times, I sometimes feel strong angst that I'm not going even farther even faster. For example, in mid-July, there was one day I was in that border state and I felt firmly that I "needed" to start Dressing at work by the beginning of September or "The day after the September holiday at latest!"

I have learned that those spells of pangs and angst inform me about what I want to do. The feelings of time-frames I feel during them might not be realistic, or might not be representative of how long I can reasonably "hold out". But when I am nearly crying with need flowing through me, it tells me a lot about myself. That bit of self-conversation seeping through is important for me because a lot of the time I am an analytical evidence-based rationalist, not really so much in touch with my feelings, or depressed enough not to have a sense of where I want to go and what I want to do.

For someone like me, who grew up feeling "male", the feelings that drive dressing and androgynous transgender and desire for hormones and the like, are inherently irrational drives: if one discounts feelings, then the costs and risks of "switching" surely outweigh the calculable benefits. For example, Dressing at work isn't going to lead me to a better-paying job, or allow me to enter relevant professional training available to women but not to men. But, of course, life isn't only about money or that which can be proven, and in deciding what I want, I find I have to rely on "gut instinct" and the kind of self-conversation I described earlier.


On staying as a man for the rest of your life: Yup. My decision to ask seriously about HRT was taken in the days just after my 49th birthday, which was a day of disappointments for me in several ways. I mentally projected ahead and said, "Oh, great, next year I'll be 50... who knows if I'll even make it to 60? What am I doing with my life? Where is the sense of progress, of change, of goals pursued and achieved? If I can't start doing something before I hit 50, will I ever get anywhere before I kick the bucket? The least I can do is research it seriously with an option to go ahead if I like what I see: that will at least be going somewhere rather than just paddling around in my puddle!"

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jen, with all the pressure you are under, it is no surprise that you get moments of doubt about who you are. Hey, I even get them with no pressure!

Unfortunately, you seem to be confusing these moments of doubt with clear-mindedness. The times where you feel ashamed of the fact that you are a woman in a man's body are not times of being clear minded, those are the moments of doubt caused by the pressure to conform that is being heaped upon you.

I am really sorry that your family is being so difficult about who you are, but I honestly think that you are going to have to begin your transition despite their opposition and hope that they come around. It won't be easy for them to admit that they are wrong, but it will be even harder for you if you go along with them.

For decades, and partly because of the sort of resoning that is being used against you, I struggled with the idea that nobody would accept me as a woman. How wrong could I have been? I am better accepted as a woman (despite my voice not being right) than I was as a man.

[Faith_G]

^ What she said ^

Everybody gets those "Who the hell do you think you're fooling?" moments. But you have to hold on to what you know to be true about yourself, even when it seems impossible.

[Melody Moore]

Unfortunately, you seem to be confusing these moments of doubt with clear-mindedness. The times where you feel ashamed of the fact that you are a woman in a man's body are not times of being clear minded, those are the moments of doubt caused by the pressure to conform that is being heaped upon you.
Such is the nature of the beast with Gender Dysphoria

Rianna nailed it right on the head here because I also use to think that I was being irrational when
I had thoughts about dressing as a female, going on hormones & transitioning, but how wrong was I?
But I know now without any doubt at all in my mind that the only time I was being irrational was when I
use to believe that I wouldn't be accepted as a female and that the whole of society would be against me.

My battle with gender identity disorder has been a lifelong issue & was that bad at one stage that it affected me to the point where
I became very homophobic/transphobic and went right out of my way to try & prove to myself and my father I was a real man. I was
even very cruel & nasty towards gay people, but was that really a healthy & rational way of thinking? I don't believe that it was now.

Nothing I did changed what I always knew was hidden away inside. My life as a male was only an act & the way I modelled my body
was only a mask for my biggest insecurity which was being found out that my true gender identity was really that of a female. For
years I stayed in denial and whenever the gender dysphoria resurfaced, I did something even more outlandish & crazy to try and
repress it convince myself I was really a man. To give you a good example: At the age of 26 I had a girlfriend who dressed me up
one night with her make up and a sexy outfit and instantly my gender dysphoria was awoken & I liked the way I looked and felt too
much that I broke up with the lady a few days later then I went right to the other extreme & become player who used women to
prove my masculinity to myself & repress my gender issues again. So was this also being rational?

After many years of anxiety & depression & quite a few failed relationships I finally did the most rational thing I ever done in my life,
I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to become Melody. Since I started my transitioning I have had the same doubt as you only
once, where I thought 'who are you kidding?' It happened on the day right before my birthday - I was feeling a bored & lonely and
that's when I started to have some doubts about what I am doing. But I called up my best friend who is also trans & told her how
I was feeling, so we got together for a few hours for a good chat & coffee & this helped me to get over it. So we can still have those
odd moments of doubt that creep in if we don't keep our minds stimulated in a positive way by keeping busy or doing something.

So since then I have got myself involved in a few more things, such as becoming a volunteer for Community & Public Education, but
now as we enter the Christmas & New Year period things slow down. So this means that this time of year is going to be harder to
get through, especially when you don't have family to be able to spend time with. So I turn to my friends for that positive support &
stimulation I sometimes need. If you are not in a local support group where you can make new friends that completely understand,
then I strongly urge you to find one. Overall I feel that my battle with my Gender Identity Disorder & the anxiety & depression I had
with it is nearly over.

Goodluck, I hope everything works out for you :hugs:

[Steph.TS]

Such is the nature of the beast with Gender Dysphoria

Rianna nailed it right on the head here because I also use to think that I was being irrational when
I had thoughts about dressing as a female, going on hormones & transitioning, but how wrong was I?
But I know now without any doubt at all in my mind that the only time I was being irrational was when I
use to believe that I wouldn't be accepted as a female and that the whole of society would be against me.

My battle with gender identity disorder has been a lifelong issue & was that bad at one stage that it affected me to the point where
I became very homophobic/transphobic and went right out of my way to try & prove to myself and my father I was a real man. I was
even very cruel & nasty towards gay people, but was that really a healthy & rational way of thinking? I don't believe that it was now.

Nothing I did changed what I always knew was hidden away inside. My life as a male was only an act & the way I modelled my body
was only a mask for my biggest insecurity which was being found out that my true gender identity was really that of a female. For
years I stayed in denial and whenever the gender dysphoria resurfaced, I did something even more outlandish & crazy to try and
repress it convince myself I was really a man. To give you a good example: At the age of 26 I had a girlfriend who dressed me up
one night with her make up and a sexy outfit and instantly my gender dysphoria was awoken & I liked the way I looked and felt too
much that I broke up with the lady a few days later then I went right to the other extreme & become player who used women to
prove my masculinity to myself & repress my gender issues again. So was this being rational?

After many years of anxiety & depression & quite a few failed relationships I finally did the most rational thing I ever done in my life,
I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to become Melody. Since I started my transitioning I have had the same doubt as you only
once, where I thought 'who are you kidding?' It happened on the day right before my birthday - I was feeling a bored & lonely and
that's when I started to have some doubts about what I am doing. But I called up my best friend who is also trans & told her how
I was feeling, so we got together for a few hours for a good chat & coffee & this helped me to get over it. So we can still have those
odd moments of doubt that creep in if we don't keep our minds stimulated in a positive way by keeping busy or doing something.

So since then I have got myself involved in a few more things, such as becoming a volunteer for Community & Public Education, but
now as we enter the Christmas & New Year period things slow down. So this means that this time of year is going to be harder to
get through, especially when you don't have family to be able to spend time with. So I turn to my friends for that positive support &
stimulation I sometimes need. If you are not in a local support group where you can make new friends that completely understand,
then I strongly urge you to find one. Overall I feel that my battle with my Gender Identity Disorder & the anxiety & depression I had
with it is nearly.

Goodluck, I hope everything works out for you :hugs:

I've never been one for dating, and once I've realized that I'm TG atleast, I think TS I am avoiding being in a relationship because I've read so many posts where people want to transition after they are married or have children, and I'm having a hard enough time just dealing with my family, without having to add more people trying to make me feel like I'm in the wrong...

anyways, there is a group in a city near me called new directions, I'd love to go but, I live with my parents, what do I tell them I'm going to or doing? I would love to meet some local TS people that have been through what I'm going through.

a few days ago I was talking to my dad, about an episode of the golden girls that surprised me that they were dealing with such topics, this episode was about a man that crossdressed but that died and was about dealing with the attitudes surrounding it and what was really important in terms of how we judge a person. I bring this up because my dad thought he was being funny when he cracked a joke about men that wore women's clothes (boy would he have have been surprised if I told him that at that moment I was wearing over the knee socks, panties, and women's jeans). I would love it if there was some way to get him to accept this part of me but I doubt he could/would do that.

Part of me wants to move out transition in private and have nothing with do with him, but I don't want to forget about family, I don't want to give up hope that I can be accepted by them, boy or girl, I don't want to have to go away to be happy or be myself.

[Hope]

Listen to Faith.

Everyone, Everyone , EVERYONE has those "What the hell do you think you are doing?" moments. And those who tell you they have never had one are either lying, or hopelessly deluded.

In those horrible moments, keep the knowledge of who you really are, and all of the reasons you have made this decision in your back pocket - and review them. It makes the feeling pass much quicker. I am literally serious about that. If you have trouble remembering all the reasons you have made this decision, write them down as they come to you and keep the list on a card in your purse - and flip it out and look it over when you are having a crisis if you have to.

Keep calm, and carry on.

[Laura_Stephens]

I know that this is something I need to talk to a gender therapist about, but I find myself having moments where it's like I've had water splashed on my face and I'm perfectly clear minded and ashamed that I ever wanted to become a woman, but then I have moments where I know more than anything that I have to transition, to become the woman I need to become. When I have this desire to become a woman, I actually fear that if I don't act now I'll just stay a man for the rest of my life, and that bothers greatly.

I am upset that I keep bouncing back and forth. when I become ashamed of me wanting to be a woman, I'm also fearful of many things that I've mentioned b4(basically a lack of acceptance).

Jen, I am in a very simialr place right now. It is a difficult time.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Laura, I think everyone in this part of the forum has been through the self-doubt and the fear of "what if...". I agree it is a difficult and unpleasant time but you are not alone.

A few weeks ago, I had the horrible feeling about 3 o'clock in the morning. Following on from that I posted my thread "Who am I kidding?" - thanks to the support and encouragement of people here and an amazing BFFFFL who picked up that something was wrong for me from a couple of hundred miles away, I managed to get through it and get more or less back on track. We want to be here for you too

[Melinda G]

Well, it's certainly nothing to be taken lightly. And it's irreversable. If in doubt, DON'T!

[TerryTerri]

Something I learned a long time ago that helps me accept and comprehend my reality is to disconnect how I feel about it. Facts are sort of concrete, black and white things. In example, how do you feel about hemmeroids? Naturally, most folks don't much care for them. They're a pain in the butt, literally. But, regardless of how you feel about them, you either have them or you do not.

As for being transgendered, I have been able to look at the facts of my life, to include toddler behaviors of mine (my mother helped me, since I don't really remember my toddler days), give me all the evidence I need to factually accept I am transgendered. My gender therapist also helped me tremendously in this respect. I could not have done it without her. She helped me to know what questions I needed to ask myself and she gave me affirmation and permission to accept whatever answers I found. This helps me stay out of denial. Whether I like it or not, I am transgendered. That is a fact of my existance.

Now then, emotionally accepting it all and deciding what to do about it are completely different issues. I am transgendered, whether or not I will transition has still not been decided. Sometimes it seems a forgone conclusion. Other times, I'm really unsure. But, the basic struggle about whether I am or not is over. Even the times I really don't want to be this way, I can no longer deny who I am and what I am in this respect. That factual acceptance really does help me. How I feel about it all and what to do about it are different issues I am still muddling through.

Something else that is helping me in this regard. I frame myself in this manner, I was born with a birth defect. I was born into the wrong gendered body. I AM NOT WRONG! The crux of my dilemma is simply that I have the wrong body for my gender. And, being raised in the society I was, I was taught to behave and believe my internal gender was the same as my external gender. Over 40 years of basic brain washing does not get undone overnight. It is taking me time to sort through all this stuff. But, I am not wrong that I was born this way. I did nothing to have this. It is simply a card in life I got dealt. Much like our eye color, height, etc. I had not control over this. My control and responsibility is what I'm gonna do about it all.

Hope this might help you, it is what has been helping me to look at this and actually make forward progress instead of spinning wheels going nowhere.

[Steph.TS]

Well, it's certainly nothing to be taken lightly. And it's irreversable. If in doubt, DON'T!
what you say is true, but I quite seriously don't want to stay a man. I'm hoping that once I find a gender therapist and discuss this and other issues that I'll be comfortable and be able to move forward. I'm just glad to hear that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I was afraid that I was a confused crossdresser or something.

as for taking this seriously, everyday I find myself trying to ensure that transitioning is ok by my religion, to the point that if/when I come out to my whole family and they bring up the topic of how this fits in with spirituality I can defend this decision. I give alot of thought as to how my life might be if I was a woman, I know I don't have a complete idea of what that's like but I do try to make sure I'm realistic, and am prepared for the transition.

[Faith_G]

As a woman who struggled with all these things, and delayed taking action for years for fear of losing my family, there are a few things I wish someone had told me at your stage in life. It's a little long so settle in and pay attention.

Jen, please don't defend your decision to transition to your family. That's the wrong way to go about it. If you start out defensive and needy, things will go downhill from there. You are an adult, you will tell them what you are going to do and then you are going to go do it whether they support you or not. If you are indecisive, unsure, and fearful when you tell your family, then things WILL go badly. You need to be confident and optimistic, you are telling them about a positive change and they are more likely to believe that if you sound positive about it. A position of strength is much more attractive than a position of weakness.

Now, are they going to respond instantly with a hug and "That's great, honey, I'm so happy for you!"? Of course not, relations will probably be strained, they will attempt to manipulate you through fear and guilt and shame. They might even reject you altogether - this is an attempt to control you, do not mistake it for anything else. Will they ever accept you? That depends on whether or not they are willing to be educated and make their decision based on facts. They will have to adjust their religious convictions to fit the facts, and some people can't/won't do that. My brother continues to be ineducable and inflexible, but the rest of my family has adjusted to reality. I can't say what will happen with your family, but you need to be ready to lose them.

Reconciling transition with your family's religion might be impossible. It's impossible for a fundamentalist of any stripe. Anyone who looks at the Bible as a book of rules to govern our lives is not going to be able to fit transitioning into his or her religion. But there is hope, and it is of course found in Jesus. People who truly follow Jesus, who look to the teachings and example of Jesus as their guide to life, they can fit transitioning into their faith. Jesus always reaches out to the different, the outcast, the hurting one and never condemns them. Jesus reserved condemnation for those who would use religion for personal gain, or to oppress and control others. So be assured that God loves you, accept that God's grace frees you to live your life to its full potential, embrace all of who you are and live your truth.

[Jorja]

As a woman who struggled with all these things, and delayed taking action for years for fear of losing my family, there are a few things I wish someone had told me at your stage in life. It's a little long so settle in and pay attention.

Jen, please don't defend your decision to transition to your family. That's the wrong way to go about it. If you start out defensive and needy, things will go downhill from there. You are an adult, you will tell them what you are going to do and then you are going to go do it whether they support you or not. If you are indecisive, unsure, and fearful when you tell your family, then things WILL go badly. You need to be confident and optimistic, you are telling them about a positive change and they are more likely to believe that if you sound positive about it. A position of strength is much more attractive than a position of weakness.

Now, are they going to respond instantly with a hug and "That's great, honey, I'm so happy for you!"? Of course not, relations will probably be strained, they will attempt to manipulate you through fear and guilt and shame. They might even reject you altogether - this is an attempt to control you, do not mistake it for anything else. Will they ever accept you? That depends on whether or not they are willing to be educated and make their decision based on facts. They will have to adjust their religious convictions to fit the facts, and some people can't/won't do that. My brother continues to be ineducable and inflexible, but the rest of my family has adjusted to reality. I can't say what will happen with your family, but you need to be ready to lose them.

Reconciling transition with your family's religion might be impossible. It's impossible for a fundamentalist of any stripe. Anyone who looks at the Bible as a book of rules to govern our lives is not going to be able to fit transitioning into his or her religion. But there is hope, and it is of course found in Jesus. People who truly follow Jesus, who look to the teachings and example of Jesus as their guide to life, they can fit transitioning into their faith. Jesus always reaches out to the different, the outcast, the hurting one and never condemns them. Jesus reserved condemnation for those who would use religion for personal gain, or to oppress and control others. So be assured that God loves you, accept that God's grace frees you to live your life to its full potential, embrace all of who you are and live your truth.

I stand up and applaud loudly for you Faith. This is probably the most honest and truthful answer I have heard here. Bravo!

[Chickhe]

Your post sure resonates with me. The shame part, I dealt with, what happens now is more like a reality check and it is hard to describe, but like you say it is a clearness and dressing and feeling feminine seems like the farthest thought...like, I describe it like someone who doesn't CD would feel... they just don't get it. Then it swings 180degrees the other way. I have dealt with the compulsions too, but I still have days when I feel feminine. I struggle with it because it is like a vacation from reality when I dress...a chance to forget my worries... the thing that bothers me, I could go all the way, but then I would probably still yo-yo the other way... I haven't worked it out, may never, but if only I could do both and just be me. One other thought, I did all the bucket list things and that resolved a lot of conflicts, I am more complete for doings the things I could not do before and now I know more about myself than ever before.

[Melody Moore]

I bring this up because my dad thought he was being funny when he cracked a joke about men that wore women's clothes (boy would he have have been surprised if I told him that at that moment I was wearing over the knee socks, panties, and women's jeans). I would love it if there was some way to get him to accept this part of me but I doubt he could/would do that.

First of all, let me say that I understand exactly what you are saying Jen, its a difficult place to be caught up
in. But what Faith just said is right, its time you started living your life for yourself and not for other people.

How old are you Jen? Is it right that your parents are still dictating to you how you should live your life?

Personally I haven't allowed my parents to do this since I was 16 years old - but I was held back for quite
a few years by what society would say or think if I transitioned. But what I feared turned out to be nothing
and that could also the the same for you, but you will never know that type of freedom until you break the
chains that have kept you imprisoned for this long. If other people can't respect your right to be the person
you truly are & be happy, then these people don't really love you & they appreciate for the good good, true
& honest person you really are. These people will only hold you back in life and stop you from really growing.

It really sounds to me like you have to come to a decision about it soon because it's already starting
to eating away like a cancer with you and if you don't do something about it, it can really mess your
head up & could even destroy you. The reason I know is because it nearly done the same thing to me.

Ok, lets talk about coming out to your Dad and what you might be able to do to help gain his acceptance...

Planning - First of all I suggest that you sit down and plan out your approach, I would suggest that
you write a letter to explain everything to your father or anyone else you might be planning to come out to.

Here is a link with valuable resources to help you: http://www.tsroadmap.com/family/

So I suggest that you prepare a letter which you can either give to them or read from, but I suggest that you get
your family together, sit them down & give each family member a copy of the letter each to read later at their own
leisure, but read your statement openly & confidently to your family, and this will show them how convicted you are
in your decision. If anyone tries to interrupt, ask them politely to let you finish your speech & let them also know that
they can have their say or ask any questions afterwards. But whatever you do DON'T let anyone interrupt you until
after you deliver your very important statement. Be positive, be confident, be happy & be proud - you deserve this.

I would start my statement off by reminding my family how much I love them, but then tell them that there is some
thing very important that they need to know about, so I can be finally be free of a lot guilt & shame & be happier.
Then explain how long you have been carrying this biological birth defect around that they are not even aware of.
You can tell them that you suffer from a condition known as Gender Identity Disorder or Harry Benjamin Syndrome.

If you have already been seeing a pyschologist & doctor, then you can also then tell them about that & about what point
you are at. If you are not seeing a therapist already, then I suggest that you start doing so, because then not only can you
be getting support there, this will support what you are saying & help give some reassurance to your family that you are not
being crazy and have also made a well informed decision.

At this point you should have some information about this condition which you also explain to them is more commonly
known as 'transsexualism' and it's caused by having a the brain sex & gender identity of the opposite sex of the body
in which you were born & it's easy to explain to people now how this happens & they seem to understand & accept it:
Here is a brochure with the basics: http://www.atsaq.com/files/Supporting%20Transgender%20and%20Sistergirl%20Web% 20verision.pdf

We are all primed to be female when we are first conceived, but it's not until our mother starts delivering testosterone
does our foetal bodies start to develop in the male direction. Genitalia is developed at about 8 to 9 weeks into pregnancy,
but our brain cells do not develop until about half way into pregnancy. This means that if there is a disruption in the supply
of testosterone during these developmental stages that can leave someone who is physiological sex of a male with the
brain of a female. All the information brochures I have been reading lately suggest that transsexuality is an intersex condition.
See: http://shb-info.org/sexbrain.html. (You should also print out a copy of that report as well to deliver with your statement.)

You can explain that causes of these hormonal system happen when the endocrine system of your mother becomes
affected by other disruptors. The endocrine system of your mother might have been affected by a number of things,
this can include stress, illness, taking medications, or by being affected by EDCs (Endocrine Disrupting Chemicals).
There is a lot of information that can be found here to support that (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?143339-Surge-in-Intersex-TG-amp-TS-Numbers-Something-in-the-food-amp-water-perhaps&p=2347377&viewfull=1#post2347377). Also see this website for more information (http://www.sensible-alternative.com.au/female-hormones/rise-of-infertility).

There are a number of videos online which you can download & convert if you know how to, then burn them onto a DVD which
can also be given to anyone who would like to know more and help them to understand the type of condition you have. There
are movies that can explain how transsexualism has long been a part of society & is more common place than they actually realise.

There is a complete series of videos about this as well as many others that explain things very well about some of the things that
I have mentioned here and will help your parents to understand that you can find on My playlists on my Youtube Channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/ATropicalMelody). You can
use http://www.youtube.com/user/ATropicalMelody to link to my playlists for range of Transgender topics & feel free to send it to
anyone you like via email or whatever if they have access to a computer & the internet.

The thing is Jen, be firm in your convictions, but let them know this will not change how you love & respect them and ask them
to give you the chance to be the person you truly are to be really happy. In the end its not about them anyway, its about you!

Just know there are people out there for you, people who accept without the bigotry because they do take the time to understand.

Hopefully you family will, good luck and I hope this information really helps.

Merry Xmas :hugs: