of shame and guilt

[prisscilla]

stage fright (me so scared!!)
but her goes (oops mean here goes)
there are so many stories in this mixed up lifetime ,
46 years young blond blue eyed ,
passable ?????proably not.
married yes bi yes. children yes .
I dont know where to start ,
that has not been discussed here
but it began at a very young age (probably 10 years of age or perhaps youger)
of all the awful feelings of shame and guilt that plauge!
sneaking and slinkin in moms closet ,only to try on some of her panties ,nylons ,shoes
which later escalated ,to her clothing ,make up etc.
raiding drop off sites for the salvation army ,late at night ,rummaging for shoes and womens clothing that may or may not fit.
breaking out storefront windows ,on cold stormy nights, running away with the womens boots (that looked so hot)from the store display ,in the cold of the night
ohh the scary places that an adolescent male frequents ,looking for the release of his feminine peculilarities, will take him.(this one anyhow)
I felt and was crazy !and still have my wonders to this day !!!
to look back upon the ol lifetime of being a phony masculine male always putting up the front to the public, that I was ,and am a masculine male
from the fights to the drunken knights ,scars, broken bones, and stitches are what my persona exemplfied
to this day I am a scared ,person running ,hiding ,from myself,trying to convey to the world that I have mastered ,and am master ,to my world
I have no idea ,not a clue .
but with age comes wisdom .
my battles now, are with myself ,no longer with the world that surrounds
to you all, my hat is off .
I hope to find some release upon your pages
pages of knowledge ,wisdom and insight
into what truly is and always will
the feminie me is her(e) to stay
am I alone ,or are there similarities in our stories
help,
am I nuts ????????
one thing is for certain Ive had to drink much alchohol ,to even post this thread
thank you
Sami

[Amelie]

No Prisscilla, you are not nuts, nuts are what we try to hide. Like you said your story is similar to other girls here, but it is also different, experiances only you lived through. It is good you can talk to us, for you are with friends.
You had a lot of pain in your life and I hope you are dealing with it better as you age. It's just a shame that you went for so long with the pain, you should have been happy from the start, but I know you couldn't. I hope you continue to write, we might not be experts here but we can listen.

All the best
Love Amelie


PS-Nuts are what squirrles throw at me.

[prisscilla]

No Prisscilla, you are not nuts, nuts are what we try to hide. Like you said your story is similar to other girls here, but it is also different, experiances only you lived through. It is good you can talk to us, for you are with friends.
You had a lot of pain in your life and I hope you are dealing with it better as you age. It's just a shame that you went for so long with the pain, you should have been happy from the start, but I know you couldn't. I hope you continue to write, we might not be experts here but we can listen.

All the best
Love Amelie


PS-Nuts are what squirrles throw at me.
Amelie
thanks
Big smile from me to you
Sami

[eleventhdr]

Oh Yeah!!!

[Amelie]

Prisscilla, I'm just glad to see you smiling.

Don't stop smiling!!


Love Amelie

[Elinor]

Prisscilla we have all been there I know I have. Being scared feeling guilt.
The wonderful thing about the internet is finding that I'm not the only male who loves wearing dresses.
In finding that accepting my femininity and not thinking it a curse.
Choosing my female name and enjoying my skirts.
Wearing my femininity with pride. Going out in a dress. And buying a tartan skirt in person from a salesgirl who knew that the skirt was for me. Is my biggest moment in growning in femininity.
And finding other "GIRLS" like minded as on this site.
So growing and accepting my feminine side and learning from others.
Oh I Love my femininity. Hetrosexual male blessed with a desire to wear skirts. :rolleyes: Elinor and proud to be female at times. :)

[joannablake]

Hello Prisscilla,

I feel your pain, I have been dressing since I was nine years old. I felt everything you wrote in your letter. Until about 2 years ago when I met a beuatuful woman that understood me for me and didnt judge me for the way I chose to dress, or so I thought. My wife and me have been fighting for the past year about the way I dress. My wife woke up one day and decided that she didnt want me to dress anymore. I tried to sit down and talk to her about it and see why she doesn't want me to dress anymore. but it is like talking to a brick wall. I have quite abit a drunk nights myself since then and probably will have a few more in the future. If you need to talk please dont be afraid to write me at joannablake_2001@yahoo.com i would love talk to you or anyone that wants to write to me and give some advice to me.

Love
Joanna

[clarissa3d]

You are among freinds and those freinds that can truly say we understand. It is a sobering thought to say that what you have lived and felt is not just you. There are so many that have felt the pain to hide your feelings from your self. Those hard core 100% male of the humans feel no pain of these sorts. To say the least you are a special person and should not feel these pains, come in from the cold and warm your self with freindship of many of the same.

Clarissa

[HillaryArtemis]

I am afraid that the word nuts has been misdefined here. I will take it upon myself to correct all you, Amelie. I am surprized at all of you. A nut is really not a person, but:

a dry, dehiscent or indehiscent one celled fruit consisting of a fleshy kernel (often ediable) enclosed in a hard or tough shell or pericarp.

As far as I can tell no one on this thread or any of the other threads I have read suits this description. If you are going to use words, make sure you use them correctly. See I consulted my dictionary for this one and you girls are dead wrong. You don't have shells, are not to my knowledge ediable, don't consist of one cell, are not fruits as far as I know. This is the type of misuse of vocabulary that cshould not be tolerated. If you are "nut" sure what a word means then look it up in a dictionary. I did.

:D JodiArtemis

Smile no one is looking :D

[prisscilla]

I would like to take this time to thank you all for your wonderful words of wisdom and wit
I enjoyed reading all of the above replies and also enjoy reading the different threads from the other posts,thank you all for being here.
Thank you for making me feel welcome on your forums*S*
I am certain that many good relationships have developed from within these pages ,and I look forward to getting to know many of you
just like to reach out and give ya all a big hug
thanks again

Priss

[Amelie]

First of all Jodi, get your head out the books for a little while and join the world. Nuts are the little round things between your legs, hence when I say we hide the nuts as CDs we tuck them away. We hide are nuts so they don't show thru our clothes. Stop trying to read to deep into things, there is more to life than books. Sometimes your dictionarys don't have all the words we use in the world, sometimes there is slang or street words that are used.


God- give me a break!!!!


Amelie

[Amelie]

I'm sorry but I have to bring this thread up again.
Jodi, where in my post do I equate nuts to people, it is you that see's this link. You also profess to want to help others yet in this thread, Prisscilla opens her heart out, and you do not even say anything to her. You're to busy in your books. Some girls here need encouragement and support they don't need lectures of political correctness.

Prisscilla- I'm sorry I'm using your thread to vent my feelings, to you I'm sorry.

Jodi- The least you could have done was answer Prisscilla.

Amelie Laveau

[HillaryArtemis]

Sorry, I am just joking around with words. That is the problem with this darn Internet ... you can't ever judge tone properly. I hope you will forgive me, girl friend. The mention of the nuts came from the original post.

JodiArtemis

[HillaryArtemis]

Prisicilla, I apologize to you too. I was merely trying to release so of the tension by making what I felt was an obvious joke. I in no way am trying to belittle your experiences. I feel greatly for you and understand some aspects of your situation. I just wanted to make you smile for a moment. I guess by playing the airhead, I really was an airhead.

Sorry again,

JodiArtemis

[Amelie]

I am sorry that I sounded a little hot-headed. It's just when you dress and go out dressed, there are many people telling you what to do. Especially when I went to drag bars with CDs. They were the worst offenders. I couldn't do anything right for them, My clothes my make-up or my voice was no good for them. They had this rule book for CDs that had to be followed or you were looked down upon. That's why I mainly went to straight clubs, well that and the music was better. So when you said Amelie in your post it brought back visions of the past. If I sounded out of order, then you know the reason why.

Love Amelie

[HillaryArtemis]

That is all right. I was out of line and am sorry. I like your style, Amelie and I would not want to tell you what to do. You are doing just fine, girl.

JodiArtemis