Waiting times and self-medicating

[Kokoro]

I've been doing more research into treatment during transition and learnt that the clinic I will be attending carries out a 3-month assessment plan before they carry out any form of treatment. I've been kept waiting for over 4 months by a pain in the backside psychologist for a mental health assessment and I have an expected waiting time for my first clinical appointment of around 18 weeks which puts it at early May. So, hormones, speech therapy, body image therapy, SRS consultation etc. won't happen until late July at the earliest (providing I will be waiting 18 weeks - that figure is about 5 months out of date).

As I've explained in previous threads I intend to start University at the end of September next year so that leaves me with only a couple of months on hormones and probably even less time getting used to actually living as a girl. I know I could come out earlier (and my original plan was to do that just after final exams in mid-June) but one thing I've been adamant about through this whole deal is my passibility. Without several weeks or months of conditioning my body, with or without hormones, I will not look remotely female. And that bothers me immensely. I have no problem being clocked or presenting as Transsexual, heck even as a crossdresser, but to so obviously be a 'man in a dress' I wouldn't even dare attempt it. Not for fear of violence or such against me, but it would be an even greater atrocity against myself than presenting as a man.

That is why I'm considering self-medicating myself with hormones. I know what the immediate reaction from most people here will be: 'Don't do it!'. I'd prefer not to, believe me - I understand perfectly well all the risks involved and would do my absolute best to minimize them, but I'm willing and able to take them if my waiting time and assessment takes so long I won't start receiving treatment until I begin university. I am going to wait until I get my initial appointment letter through which should be no longer than a couple of weeks after the new year and see when it is for. If it's any later than March though I will seriously look into medicating myself but I certainly won't do it blind. I'll ask my GP first if she can assist me at all, which I would prefer, both in obtaining the drugs and blood tests to make sure I'm healthy. I'll explain to her if she refuses I'll still go ahead with it by myself anyway if I have to.

I've also read that treatment lasts from around 18-24 months. I'll be heading out to Japan for a year after around 12-15 months of starting treatment and I'm fearful this will cause problems. I'll be sure to get in touch with them to ask as if it does turn out that it will cause issues, I may end up having to go to another university just to do the course I want AND transition.

So yea, feeling pretty bummed at the moment. :straightface:

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kokoro,

I really hear your pain and the anxiety of your post. Being at University allows you the oppertunity to wear pretty much what you like from clother to mascare. I know a lot of kids who go and present as both. When you wrote about self medicating" .....I understand perfectly well all the risks involved ..... ", you really don't . The damage you can do to your body far outweighs the risk you will take. Go to your college health services and at least talk to them or your family doctor, and tell them what you are palnning on doing, at the very least they will give you in confidence a more through risk analysis or even possible options that may help you.

Kelly

I'm amending my thread, after rereading your post, I see you have only to wait a few months, then you will be able to safely start your transition, with all of the professional help anyone could want, but because it doesen't fit your time schedule, you will risk the possibility of self injury by self medicating. A better suggestion for you would be to hold off on University for 1 year, get your transition well underway, and then attend as female. The added benefit will be you will have time to adjust to the hormones and then the riggors of first year at university. Patience is a virtue because few people truly understand the benefits of having some.

I wish you well and please keep us posted.

Kelly

[Juliemckay]

Kokoro,

I really hear your pain and the anxiety of your post. Being at University allows you the oppertunity to wear pretty much what you like from clother to mascare. I know a lot of kids who go and present as both. When you wrote about self medicating" .....I understand perfectly well all the risks involved ..... ", you really don't . The damage you can do to your body far outweighs the risk you will take. Go to your college health services and at least talk to them or your family doctor, and tell them what you are palnning on doing, at the very least they will give you in confidence a more through risk analysis or even possible options that may help you.

Kelly

WHat Kelly said

[tanyalynn51]

Please, listen to the others. Being patient is definitely better than hurting yourself.

[StaceyJane]

Hormones aren't some magic pill that works overnight.
The fact is you might not look dramatically different after taking hormones.
If you want to pass as a woman really the best thing to do is go out regularly and practice you presentation.
That will have a much more immediate effect than hormones.

[danielleb]

...If it's any later than March though I will seriously look into medicating myself but I certainly won't do it blind. I'll ask my GP first if she can assist me at all, which I would prefer, both in obtaining the drugs and blood tests to make sure I'm healthy. I'll explain to her if she refuses I'll still go ahead with it by myself anyway if I have to....

I'm with you up until that last line. I think it's important to establish a baseline in your blood tests, and make sure that you are heading off on a good path when starting out. Seeking out an alternative route to HRT is fine, but please consider the necessity of healthcare in the situation. It may seem like transitioning at school may be the worst thing to happen in your life right now, but worse can occur! This is just a finite moment in your life. Calm down, have some patience, and hold onto the strength within that you are on the right path to where you need to be.:)

[Kokoro]

I understand the concern, I'm wary myself, but I won't be doing things by halfs. The drugs are available without prescription in the UK so I won't be ordering off dodgy internet sites or obtaining them from the black market (and that's if I do do it at all!) All doctors in the UK are bound to follow the NHS Constitution which means if I ask for treatment then they are obliged to provide it. So it is unlikely it will get to the point of taking hormones without the assistance of a health practitioner in some form. At the very least she should ensure I am in good health and advise me on any changes I may need to my medication, even if she won't outright prescribe me the drugs.

I cannot defer my place at university partly because I've already applied for next year and it's now impossible to change that. I can drop my offers but I'd have no chance of getting in the year after that since universities don't look favourably on people that drop their initial offers. Besides, I'd much rather transition at university than at home as I'm with like-minded people and I won't put as much strain on my family since I still live with my parents.

[Stephenie S]

Well I'm gonna go out on a limb here and tell you to go ahead. If you can obtain hormones (estrogen and a testosterone blocker such as Androcur), I would start a low dose self medication program. I will not discuss doses here. It is against forum regulations and for good reason. Tell your doctor what you are doing. And do some research to find out what I mean by a "low dose program".

S

[Kia_Williams]

HRT:
Research, LOTS of research, do not skip on a testosterone blocker because I have read studies have revealed a smaller likelihood of HRT related illness with them, have NO expectations on your HRT experience, not physically or mentally/emotionally, there will be changes, what differs from individual to individual, looking at the various youtube 'my transition videos' about six months (not in even 100% of actual cases i suspect) the physiological differences are visible, so be prepared for quite a wait. Research, do not set yourself up for psych problems by expecting 'such and such' from HRT, and definitely keep your GP up-to-date with your plans.

'Passing':
don't.. (sounds weird doesn't it?), Do not 'try to pass', simply BE.
Pay attention to the clothes and make up people of your age and body type wear, and stick to it, do not try for glamour model, that takes professional make-up artists etc, BE your (none birth assigned) gender, voice work can be done by yourself (listen to a recording of yourself, not just yourself), there IS gender bias in language, get used to cutting out words shown to not be in use by 'your gender', do not obsess about facial features (another weird one hmm?), doing so will blind you to how to do your make-up properly for your face shape, nose shape and eye shape, take a look at a ton of pictures of your target gender, you'll find separately there's a lot in common across genders feature wise. The 'gives'/indicators are Eyebrows, Skin appearance/texture, throat and hair, the features work together, even though separately they can appear on either gender for the most part.

If you 'try to pass' some observant people will notice your 'trying' ..'something' and look harder, If you can simply 'be' your internal gender and learn the stuff like talking, walking, make-up, clothing that you would have learned had you been a cis-[whatever] well, you'll be who you are :)
Having an ideal/notion beyond being simply 'a woman' will probably only lead you to mistakes or misery, just BE, the female 'you', that'll take learning as though you did naturally, the things you would have learned as a cis- and it will save you the stress of trying to hold yourself to an ideal that isn't manageable, its likely had you been born in your identifying gender, you would still be 'recognisable'.
http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/what%20you%20get%20images/Kate-Frontal-animation.gif
source: http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/ (http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/What_You_Get.html)
(Technically much of the facial changes in this image would be somewhat possible via 'contouring' make-up techniques)

Research :) good luck and be safe.

[Hope]

I have had a similar issue with presenting as a man in a dress... though I don't have the benefit of transitioning at 18... And I feel similarly to how you do about being comfortable being seen as trans / gay / whatever. But not a guy in a dress. It seems like an odd thing, I don't mind being seen as trans, but not a guy in a dress.

I have spent a lot of time trying to get to the root of this issue. I think there is a certain part of me that simply is not willing to be seen as a freak. Transexual yes, but a circus side-show, no. (to all of you bearded ladies out there - I love all of you - your choices are simply not right for me) So for me what this comes down to is being able to do femme WELL. I WANT / NEED to pass well, but if I get clocked occasionally and people know I am trans - that is OK too, but I don't want to be seen as a pretender, or as some sort of clumsy un-femme clod not doing her part and trying to get away with something.

So what this boils down to - FOR ME - is that I need to do femme well. I NEED to be good at this. I need to be able to walk the walk and talk the talk, to look like I have been putting on my make up for 20 years, to wear clothes that ft me well, to speak with a voice that fits my gender and station. And that means one thing: Practice.

Practice practice practice.

It does not mean hormones. At least, not as the silver bullet you seem to be thinking they are gong to be. Hormones will be important, and I plan on starting them soon, under the care of a physician. But hormones will not help me with most of what I have to do to transition. A guy in a dress with boobs and hips and mood swings, is still a guy in a dress.

My advice to you is to practice all of the other things you need to do, then when you get to college and have access to university medical services, get on hormones THERE. Not before you leave. Not without a doctors supervision. The truth is that you don't need hormones to pass - look at all of the amazing things the girls in the CD section do - and most of them have never even smelt a hormone other than the dreaded testosterone.

If you want to get started on something - start with laser and or electro on your beard. Start practicing your voice. Start figuring out which side of your body your clothes should button/zip on (I seem to be constantly reaching the wrong way anymore). Start figuring out your make-up. there is lots to do, and there is no reason to jump to hormones, particularly because if you DO start self-medicating, and something goes horribly wrong, everything else will be SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT when you add, say cancer, or a stroke to the mix.

[Stephenie S]

After reading Kia's post and then Hope's post, I have to say there is a whole lot of wisdom there. They are both saying the same thing really. Kia tells you to just BE. And that is, after all just what you are trying to do. Just BE. Just BE the person you are. Transition is an ACTION. It's something you have to DO. Expecting that hormone therapy will change you into a woman is an exercise in futility. It ain't gonna happen. There is no magic pill that will change you into a woman. If you actually do feel inside that you ARE a women then you have to just let that women OUT. You have to just BE!

Don't try to pass. WONDERFUL! That's spot on advice. Just BE. BE yourself. If you just present yourself to the world as who you really are, then there will be NO opportunity for anyone to say, "Hey, you don't pass". Because you aren't trying to pass. Look carfully at the picture Kia sent along with her post. It's essentially the same person. What's different? Eyebrows, lip contouring, EXPRESSION, smooth face, no frown.

Which brings us to Hope's post. And she is right, dear. There are MANY, many things you can do WITHOUT starting hormone therapy to move yourself along. Some of these things will be essential to your transition anyway.

Beard removal. Start this YESTERDAY. It's NEVER too soon to get rid of your beard.

Hair. No matter how short your hair, have it styled in a feminine cut. Now.

Comportment. Start ACTING like the girl you know you are. You are going to have to do this at some point, you know. The sooner, the better.

Voice. Start TALKING like a girl. Can't do it? Silly you. When were you gonna start? Hormone therapy won't do that for you. You have to learn how. How do you do that? Listen to other women. Talk like they do. Pitch has NOTHING to do with it. Cher has a VERY low voice. Do you confuse her with a man when you hear her talk? Talk like a girl. That's how they learned it. You have to learn it too. Just the same way. Listen and mimic. Women aren't BORN talking like that. They learn it.

Clothes. Look at other girls and women around you who are your age, and see what they are wearing. Wear the same thing.

So there you have it. Nothing about hormone therapy at all. See?

Now, I did tell you earlier to go ahead. Start hormone therapy on your own. In this community, that's heresy. Why? Everyone has already said it. It's dangerous. Hormones and testosterone blockers can kill you. Is this likely? No. No, it is not. Not likely. If you start a program of low dose hormone therapy on your own, it's very unlikely that you will die. BUT, the possibility is there. The best advice is DON'T DO IT. That's why we go to endocrinologists for guidance. Do we have to? No. But it's a good idea. And based on the lack of understanding that you have, I would advise against it. Learn a LOT more. Then make an INFORMED decision. But asking questions here is NOT the best way to learn.

Whew. Too long.

Listen to Hope and Kia. Both have given you VERY good advice.

Stephie

[CharleneT]

These discussions happen kinda regularly here .... I will say that the posts here are some of the best written I have seen. As others (just above me) have said, read Kia's and Hope's posts carefully - thar's gold in them thar hills !!

I will add one little bit, a re-statement about "passing": you can't, until you can without trying. The point is that you cannot expect to be "good at female" until you try and try and try again. Do so in private at first, then around folks who care about you - or - don't care at all ( Gay clubs can be a great place to practice). After a while all the movement, voice, attitude etc will be come habit. Suddenly, one day, you'll realize no one is paying you any attention in a very public place. BINGO! It is working :)

Voice in particular can be quite tricky. I recommend looking for a voice therapist in your area, or at the Uni when you get there.