Back with a vengeance

[Gennifer]

Hi, Everyone,

I have been gone from the forum for about 16 months--all my cd'ing urges seemed to go away--and now, suddenly, and I mean very suddenly, they're back. Big time. It's a little overwhelming and I feel a bit knocked off my feet. I want to dress all the time now, but cannot of course. So, I spend time thinking about it, and decided to reconnect with the forum just to see if anyone else has gone through this kind of roller coaster. It feels exhausting, exciting, nerve wracking, and wonderful. It's all wrapped up together. And, I just ordered new breast forms!

[Salina]

I just came back from a 3 1/2 year "hiatus" and it's the same for me Gennifer. I'm having a blast getting back in the game and am probably going to take my CDing to levels I never have before. I am currently on hour 2 of 4 hours to myself before my wife gets home from work and getting the house in order for her wearing lingerie then trying on some new outfits. I am totally in the throes of the pink fog! Enjoy your new forms!

[Gennifer]

Thanks, Salina. Enjoy those hours!

[Kate Simmons]

I know the feeling Hon. Unless you are independently wealthy, however, it can get quite expensive. I rode that same "roller coaster" for years until I finally got the courage to address the feelings that drive CDing. Now I'm not ashamed or afraid to express my feelings in any mode.:)

[SFRobin]

I've just had a similar experience, nearly a year, and then Wham! the thought popped into my head, and it's game on!

[Gennifer]

Denise,
I know what you mean. I had collected quite a bit stuff, threw it all out, and have had to start all over again. This time I have to remind myself that even if the urge to dress goes away, it will be back. For me, it always has come back.

[susan2010]

Gennifer,
I just came back after nearly a year away. I went thru a lot of therapy before determining crossdressing itself was not a sex addiction, but an identity issue. Therapist agrees it's a integral part of who I am. I lost a lot of wonderful clothing, too, but thanks to Goodwill, Kohls, and vintage clothing stores I'm "restocking".

[Kitty Sue]

Hi, I too am back after a bit of a break. Glad you started this thread Gennifer-thanks

[Mollyanne]

I too went through the same "time off, guilt, can't be doin' this" also, but I have come to realize that I am wired just a little differently. I have even addressed this issue with my therapist and she didn't even bat an eye(very professional I might add). My spouse and I have discussed this and she is not really happy about my "alter ego" but is putting up it. So yes, I can identify with all of you w/regard to returning to dressing.

Mollyanne

[JamieTG]

I've had my times when the guilt made me throw things away and also when the desire was simply very low but it never lasted more than a month or so. Then it would come back with great intensity. I could never figure out why it seemed cyclic in nature.

[Karren H]

Never sems to make whimpy come backs for some reason..

[Karinsamatha]

In the early years I did the purge many times and felt ashamed of my self for the feelings I have. Until the realization hit me this is a very large part of who I am. I did at that point acknowledged who and what I am.

[Jennifer_G]

I'm on board with this thread big time.
I'm back after 5 months in which I threw away almost all the stuff I had.
The trouble is the feeling to dress has returned to point it hurts and I'm in no position to buy new clothes etc. (finances and stuff)
I know I should have stored the stuff I had (which wasn't much), but like a feckin idiot yet again I thought i'd kicked the habit.
Yes yes yes, I am stupid, I know this, but the trouble is deep down I know I will do it again which is even more pathetic.
I even tried to delete this account but now know its not possible.
I know this constant purge cycle is because I still have not accepted my CDing to myself, which yes again is pathetic.
Maybe this is my destiny, never to reach a state of self acceptance and therefore a perpetual cycle of dress and purge which I know is a bit sad.

[Lilaka Ananda]

I've been through many cycles of yes and no to crossdressing, purging my life of my clothes three times in the last 12 years. I never imagined it was out of my system, but the need to express seems to leave me at times, sometimes for years.

I'm back on board as of fairly recently, with a new, ggg partner to help me explore. We'll see what's in store of me over the next few years.

[VanessaVW]

I guess my "problem" is that the urge is always there. I don't really consider it a problem any more, just part of who I am.

[Gennifer]

I agree, it is a part of who I am. And, while there are some times when the urge to dress or live as a woman is dormant, those feelings are wide awake right. It's good to year so many of you say that it is not a problem, and I feel that way too. It's just fun, and exciting, and a good place to be right now. I know that I plan to wear a bra all day today, which will be a first for me!

Thanks, everyone.

[RobynGirl]

Hi everyone,
I know that feeling of denial, purging, etc. I too have felt guilt and shame too. When the urge comes back it comes back big time. In my case I feel more and more like a woman inside. I am in a situation where the desire to become a woman has forced me to see a therapist because I feel like I am transgendered. I hate everything about being a male and I mean everything if you get my drift, lol. I love being smooth and soft and being desired by men.Whew sorry I just had to get that out, lol

Robyngirl2@aol.com

Hugs,

Robyn

[Salina]

When I "quit" 3 1/2 years ago it was with the knowledge that I would always be a CD, it was just a matter of whether I was active or inactive. I have always been an at home, in the closet CD....(my wife has known since before we became engaged), but am ready to do things with it that I have previously been too "scared" to do. I just made a reservation for my first ever makeover and am planning on shopping on an upcoming vacation day at Dress Barn, VS, and Kohls (in drab) for myself and letting the SA's know that. I can relate to Karren saying she is "driven" to Cd...that is completely how I feel now and am at peace with who I am as well. Yes, I am back with a vengenance too!!

[Reggie Campion]

Gennifer, I just came back in April of this year after 9 years of not dressing and of course it hit me the same way. This time I'm going to do it right. Already have 5 new outfits and a few from other sources. Getting into make up and heels. Just have to get courage to buy a wig. There are several wig places were i live but not sure how friendly they are to cd'ers. Also have several sets of forms. My goal is to go out dressed. Hard to because i'm married and wife does not know of my crossing. But determined not to "purge" because i now know this is me.

lol

Reggie

[Maria in heels]

All I want to say is. Welcome Back!!!

[Gennifer]

All I want to say is. Welcome Back!!!

You know what? It is really good to be back! Thanks for everyone's comments. It means a lot to me to know that there is a community out there.

[Andrea's Lynne]

I guess my "problem" is that the urge is always there. I don't really consider it a problem any more, just part of who I am.

I'm with you, sister! It took me a long time to get there, but it feels so much better now!

[kimdl93]

I've had similar experiences. I'm settled into a pattern that gives me almost all the time I need to be dressed - but there was a time when I couldn't....and the desire really built up. Needless to say, once I had the chance to dress again, it overwhelming.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Happy for those finding their way back, but sorry you went through the PURGE part. NEVER, NEVER, ever PURGE. Store it. Put it away somewhere. Because once you have it, you always HAVE IT (the urge to dress).

[DebsUK]

I've had the urge ebb and flow so many times since I properly came out 15 or so years ago. I'm just back from a 9 month hiatus. I never purged, though lost a wardrobe one time when I moved house, but that was in the middle of a long fallow spell. At least I've not started raiding eBay to buy loads of clothes like the last couple of times I got the urge back

[Lilaka Ananda]

Happy for those finding their way back, but sorry you went through the PURGE part. NEVER, NEVER, ever PURGE. Store it. Put it away somewhere. Because once you have it, you always HAVE IT (the urge to dress).

I have to agree about the having it part. The last time I purged, I kept my corset, which forms the base for my outfits. Part of my process is to spend some time dreaming up a new outfit, so novelty plays a big part in my dressing.

[Gennifer]

I have to agree about the having it part. The last time I purged, I kept my corset, which forms the base for my outfits. Part of my process is to spend some time dreaming up a new outfit, so novelty plays a big part in my dressing.

Ditto. I wish I could get back everything I threw away. Even my wife said I was crazy for tossing the stuff. But, now that I am back, I am having fun getting new things (slowly) and thinking about pushing the envelope a bit more. Which leads me to another question about having the urge to dress again. Every time I come back, I find myself wanting to push the envelope a bit further. It's almost like the tide rises a little higher each time. Does anyone else have this experience.

And this time, I am going to follow the advice to hang onto whatever I collect.

[Mackenzie]

This is an interesting thread. I have purged 5 times total, tossing thousands of dollars of very nice lingerie, clothing, wigs, makeup, etc. away. The last time was this past summer. One of our daughters put some things away in our closet and found my wigs and other clothing. She was afraid that I turned gay (never in a million years!!!!!). She got one of the older sisters involved and had her come over to see. So the older sister calls me and is really offended at what is going on and wants answers. I told her that mom and I have ways of expressing ourselves in the privacy of our bedroom (though my cd-ing goes outside the bedroom and outside the home). Out of guilt and fear that I hurt and offended our precious daughters, I got rid of everything. I should have learned from the past and at least stored everything for a few months to see what would/might happen.

Well, about 1 month ago I so wanted to dress enfemme again and, you got it, started buying stuff. IF the urged to purge rises again, I will get some boxes and put everything away for a while to see what happens.

I think that we all deal with feelings of guilt, unable to understand sometimes what really drives our desire to express ourselves in a feminine way. I told my precious wife that I really don't understand myself and can't really get a handle on what is so alluring about dressing as a female. There is something there, but I just can't figure it out.

I really have no interest in going to a therapist. I am a true Christian, loving Jesus Christ and wanting to truly serve Him and live for Him in light of eternity. I take these matters to Him. Maybe some of you gals understand what I am saying. I might offend a person on earth, but I truly do not want to offend the Lord who purchased me with His blood.

Well, I didn't mean to overstep any bounds, but I wanted to open a window into my soul that also has a bearing on who I am and the conflict that looms from time to time.

Thanks for listening/reading!

Mackenzie