All I want for Christmas...

[sandra-leigh]

Some days my heart just aches. I look at pictures of women with beautiful breasts, implants; and even more than wanting to be with them, I start to feel sadness and longing and I-don't-know-what, that I don't have anything even remotely similar and that I'm not brave enough to go and get nice-sized implants myself.

My thinking mind tells me things like, "You know that breasts like that would be hard on your back, and your back isn't the greatest as it is!", and "You know you're afraid of surgery!", and "You know that anything bigger than D will erode your chest walls", and "Don't be ridiculous! You, getting big boobs, when your face doesn't even pass? You might be able to get away with very modest boobs at work, but how can you possibly explain getting something larger than most of the women at work, unless you want to stretch the truth and say that you are a transsexual?! You'll get laughed at, and gossiped about, and people will think you're a sexual pervert, and some of the women will probably be upset thinking that you are 'competing' with women!", and "Your mother would really have trouble with that!"

Sadly, that thinking mind isn't helping much. No matter if it is a completely unrealistic fantasy, the fact is that my heart is aching and that I feel like going back to bed and crying, and I don't even know really what it is I'm wanting to cry about.

But right now, at this moment, it feels like all I want for Christmas is boobs, like about 38F. It's not that I can't think of better things to wish for, but this is what's going through me right now.

[suzy1]

Sandra, there are things we all want in life that we can not have. That’s just how it is.
Unless you can come to terms with that you will not be happy.
It’s a hard lessen to learn but we all have to learn it.
Sorry but I think it has to be said.

All the best and a happy Christmas, SUZY

[janelle]

After the way things went today is it to late to want something for X-mas???? I want death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sandra-leigh]

Sandra, there are things we all want in life that we can not have. That’s just how it is.


True, but implants / augmentation are things that I could have, if I were willing to pay the cascade of prices. I can picture Stephenie posting saying "If that's what you want, all you have to do is DO it!"

And maybe today I'm the spoiled kid who didn't get everything under the Christmas tree and will be okay in a couple of days. On the other hand, I think a lot of us go through the stage of wanting breasts bigger than might be realitically feasible.

What I can say is that I am surprised at how much sorrowful emotion flowed through me yesterday and today as I looked through some online (amateur) pictures. I had to stop looking.

[suzy1]

But Sandra, You said “it is a completely unrealistic fantasy” because of all the things you listed?

[sandra-leigh]

Not quite, I said, "No matter if it is a completely unrealistic fantasy", which leaves open the boundary line between fantasy and "it could happen" and "the cold hard reality of the situation". The "if" leaves the judgement of the realizable-ness to each reader.

Some of the torment of the situation is in knowing that I could do it if I want it badly enough. Another part of the torment is in knowing that I can't tell myself, "Self, Get ahold of yourself! It's totally out of the question!" -- I can't tell myself that because there is the possibility that I may some day start to consider myself transsexual, or that I may decide that I really want to present as female full-time for the rest of my life (a possibility even while considering myself transgendered). If those possibilities were to become reality, then the changes I would make in my life would be significant enough that augmentation would start to "fit".

It is easier to give up things that are really unreachable than things that might happen. I am not unaware that relatively few people are comfortable stablizing as androgynous; I don't know what the future holds for me.

[Sally24]

I know that ache too. Not just about breasts but about being in between male and female and not really either one. In my case, with the breast tissue I have naturally, and my slim build, I know that modest implants on me would probably look pretty good.....in girl mode. In boy mode they would lose me the affection of my wife, out me to anyone within 100 feet, and make work a lot more stressful. Regarless if they are impractical.....they are still a want that lies out there unfullfilled.

[Linda Z]

I know that ache too. Not just about breasts but about being in between male and female and not really either one. In my case, with the breast tissue I have naturally, and my slim build, I know that modest implants on me would probably look pretty good.....in girl mode. In boy mode they would lose me the affection of my wife, out me to anyone within 100 feet, and make work a lot more stressful. Regarless if they are impractical.....they are still a want that lies out there unfullfilled.

I know this POV totally.
Linda Z

[mistunderstood]

Sandra I know I am on other side of the fence so to speak I understand your fear and longing to look different. I to am afraid of just going out and doing what it take to achieve the look you want. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping the idea of wanting to change. Sometimes you need a little fantasy to keep going because life can be to harsh. You never know the opportunity might become a real thing.

PS. Keep your chin up. Do not let the world get you down.
Aaron

[sandra-leigh]

I think there is a question buried in here:

How do you know what you need for your gender identity, versus what things that are strong fantasies, or strong exaggerations of your needs, or which perhaps more represent "build up" from the pressure of your needs?

[ChristiesGurl]

So I wonder, is it the actual breasts you want/need or having your SO treat you like a woman and doing breast play with you when you are dressed as a woman? I find that Christie wants to be treated like a woman when she is dressed, and I enjoy doing that for her. Do you think if your SO would treat you as a woman when you are dressed it would be enough?

[Barbara Dugan]

I think there is a question buried in here:

How do you know what you need for your gender identity, versus what things that are strong fantasies, or strong exaggerations of your needs, or which perhaps more represent "build up" from the pressure of your needs?

Now that is one very important question that I been starting to ask myself a lot of times lately..I really understand your pain,sometimes we feel so close but at the same time so far

[sandra-leigh]

So I wonder, is it the actual breasts you want/need or having your SO treat you like a woman and doing breast play with you when you are dressed as a woman?

That's a good question, and the answer is "actual", at least up to 38C. There aren't many places in town that I haven't worn my forms in "everyday life" (no matter how I'm dressed.) That I have a bust-line is part of my public life, and if/when I have bigger breasts, they will be part of my work life too.

I was temporarily 38B for about a month earlier this year. As I told my gender therapist at the time, "No matter how much you think you want breasts, {as a guy} you still wonder how you would react if you really had them, whether it would feel too weird and disconcerting; and now that I have them, the answer is 'No, I don't feel weird at all; I love having them!'"

[Melody Moore]

unless you want to stretch the truth and say that you are a transsexual?! You'll get laughed at, and gossiped about, and people will think you're a sexual pervert, and some of the women will probably be upset thinking that you are 'competing' with women!", and "Your mother would really have trouble with that!"

Sadly, that thinking mind isn't helping much. No matter if it is a completely unrealistic fantasy, the fact is that my heart is aching and that I feel like going back to bed and crying, and I don't even know really what it is I'm wanting to cry about.

Sandra, I've been following your posts now for sometime and to be honest you sound like you are seriously struggling with
Gender Identity Disorder & it comes across to me like you are going through a hell of a lot of denial about the possibility of
being transsexual. You seem to be digging for excuses to talk yourself out of not being transsexual and people don't think
or say any of the stuff you said here anyway. I have never once been called or referred to as a 'sexual pervert' and noone
has laughed at me and who cares if they did? If they're not gossiping about me, then it will be some other poor person.

If I give people something to talk about, then good, I am glad I am so significantly important in their lives. As for other women
being upset about you competing with them? You really cannot be serious? All the women I meet are very lovely & respectful
and to my surprise most of my compliments about how I look & dress always come from other women. But I never have sensed
any jealousy or animosity about being a female in some type of competition with other women. The only time something like that
might happen if you were out at a nightclub and were trying to hit on some guy, then maybe you might find yourself in competition
with another woman. If you don't like this type of competition, its simple to deal with, let her have him.

From what I also understand about you, I know you are seeing a therapist have also been offered hormone therapy but then decided
against it at one point. Then I seen another post of yours where you were talking about giving it a go in 2011. Have you tried it yet?

Sometimes its the only way we will know if hormones are right for us and if indeed we are transsexual. I know only too well my GID
and this type of conflict would NOT go away, no matter what I did & how hard I tried, or what ever reasoning I could dig up to avoid it.
Eventually I did the only thing left I could do.... accept the fact that I might be a transsexual. So I got myself into therapy & started on
hormones to find out if it would make a difference to my GID - and it did because I have now peace from it. I am sure most of the other
Transsexual boys & girls here will also agree how hormones do actually make a huge difference to dealing with Gender Identity Disorder.

So my only question is, do you plan on spending your whole life going in circles?
because I believe that you will, because GID only gets worse, never any better.

My suggestion is go back and talk to your therapist but I think you should be more honest
about how you are coming up with all sorts of reasoning to avoid the issue of transsexualism.

I hope you work this out and find peace in your life soon - good luck :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

Thanks for the concern, Melody.

I have been leaving open the possibility that I might be transsexual. I find the possibility less anguishing than the prospect of stuffing myself back into being a "male".

In the first part of 2009, I went through a lot of thought about whether I was a male with unusual clothing choice or if I was truly transgendered or maybe even transsexual. Being in the sciences, I looked for "evidence", and although I found numerous oddities, because I only have myself to really compare against, it was not possible to objectively decide the matter. None the less, I came to "know" that I was transgendered, and that realization has been peaceful and even comforting.

I have not, though, come to "know" that I am transsexual. I don't feel that I already am a woman. For example, if there is no "family" or gender-unspecified washroom available, I go to the men's, even if I'm wearing a dress, without feeling offended or like I'm denying my true gender. Sure, it would be nice if enough people interpreted me as female (or weren't sure) that I could routinely use the womens', but I don't spend much time thinking about the matter.


With regards to hormones: I used to consider them too frightening and too extreme for me, but after my hormone surge earlier this year, I decided that I would at least ask seriously about them and find out the risks for me with my biochemistry. I am proceeding with that, and more and more internal and external obstacles are falling away, and although I am still not 100% certain, it is feeling more and more inevitable that I will do at least a trial. The place I am going does their own multi-month assessments rather than working from "Letters", and I have at least two more appointments to go before I would be given the prescription, so early February to start at earliest. There is a possibility that they will ask me to diet before starting, but I don't know of any other medical contraindication.

[Stephanie Anne]

Who says it's brave to get implants? It is far more brave to love your body as it is. Listen to Melody, she speaks the truth.

[Karen564]

I hope some day your Christmas wish comes true for you...breast are nice, but it won't only stop there after you live with them long enough..that I can assure you..

All I wish for now, is to have a beautiful face, but that will take an F'n miracle that I can't afford..:sad:

[Melody Moore]

I have not, though, come to "know" that I am transsexual. I don't feel that I already am a woman.

When it comes to working out if we might be transsexual there are no alarms that sound & there are no neon lights that flash
that tell you 'I am a woman'. You realise that you are transsexual when you feel most comfortable & feel the need to express
yourself as a member of the opposite sex to which you were born all the time, then you start to desire having a body to match.
So far you seem to be doing all of that & this post also tells me that you are now obviously desiring to have the body of a female.


No matter if it is a completely unrealistic fantasy, the fact is that my heart is aching and that I feel
like going back to bed and crying, and I don't even know really what it is I'm wanting to cry about.While its great that you have no issues using the men's bathroom, I honestly think you would rather be using the ladies bathroom because
it appears to me this is how you truly want to be accepted, but you fear being stigmatised about it. You fear being labelled as a transsexual
because you think that people are going to think the worse of you, whereas right now you can justify your cross-dressing as something as
insignificant as going out and just having some fun, but the reality is people will still think the same of you regardless of being a CDer or TS.

If people accept you already as a cross-dresser, then they will surely accept you as being transsexual. Because I have found that people in
society do understand this a lot better, not the other way around. People are also more confused when they are confronted with someone
who is androgynous more so than with someone who is clearly defined. I found that out recently when I was in hospital and some people
who I got to know & knew I was a transsexual also seen an androgynous aboriginal 'sister-girl' one day. A few people said something along the
lines of 'You are someone we can understand & accept, but that is something we don't understand & accept, because is it a He or She?
I think as long as you keep using the men's bathroom while dressed as a female, then people will also be questioning this with you as well.

For me being a female was a lot easier to understand & accept once I stopped fighting with it. As soon as I did, I adapted almost immediately
to my new gender role, my mannerisms are typically female and people who have known me both before & after have also made comments to
me about this, they generally say that I don't just look female, everything in the way I act is female. The way I walk, sit, use my hands & my
body language is female. Knowing I am now really a female is through how I feel about myself & what comes most naturally to me. It feels right
for me to be a female. I hated what I seen of myself in the mirror as a male, but seeing myself as a female makes me feel very happy & I can live
with it a lot easier. This is where my inner peace & happiness comes from I know I have this quality now, because even new people I meet are
very warm and accepting of me as a female and this is something that was never there before. People think what I am doing now in my life is
very honest & also very courageous, but I see it only as a need to live my life and be my true self & without the shackles of shame, guilt & fear.

Knowing I am a woman is something that has came from within, it's always there, although there is no scientific evidence
anywhere too be found to help me prove that & this is why there is no test available to help you diagnose transsexualism.

This is how I know for sure that I am all woman - I have this inner peace because I am no longer struggling with trying to work out who I am.
Being a woman is something that comes from within and if you don't have that & get a boob job, then you are just another man with breasts.
But I don't think that this is really just a matter of a pair of 38F sized pair of breasts for you, this is something that runs more deeper in you, this
is why your heart was aching & you were feeling so depressed and were feeling like crying. This is a huge struggle with gender identity disorder.

As Karen just said 'breast are nice, but it won't only stop there' because this is just part of a much bigger problem and one
that you have obviously been struggling with for quite sometime. The questions are - Who do you feel more comfortable
being? a M or F? Who do you really desire to be most of all? a M or F? And how do you want to be interpreted? a M or F?

My guess from what I know about you is that would have most likely answered 'Female' to all of those questions. And if this
is true Sandra, then do yourself a huge favour and stop being in so much denial about being transsexual and reaching for
other excuses why you can't be female and be the person that you truly are. Take it from me, you really have nothing to
lose by accepting that you are most likely a transsexual female, you have a lot that can be gained from the experience.

You will learn a lot more about yourself & who you really are & once you work this out, only then you can really start to live
your life to the fullest & get the most out of life. My only regret has been not learning about this earlier in my life, sometimes
I think about all those years I stayed frozen in fear through my own self-manifested & unfounded feelings of shame & guilt.
I also firmly believe that education is key to killing bigotry in society, so arm yourself with the knowledge about your condition
so when you do come out in the world then you are best prepared to counteract & deal with any problems you might encounter.

Sandra, there are many people here who can see what is really wrong here, but don't feel stressed about it because it's ok,
we are all here for you to support you through such a trial and the best part is we have all been in the same place as you!

Hugs Melody :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

I kinda agree with Melody on this one dear.

But you know, you do seems pretty obsessed with breasts. This has been going on for as long as I have known you (on this forum). Are you concerned about transitioning or are you concerned about having larger breasts? The two things are NOT the same at all. Transitioning does NOT give you larger breasts and having larger breasts does not make you transition. Which is it? What do you REALLY want? Are you thinking that if you transition you will then have an excuse to have larger breasts? If that's true, then it's the wrong reason. But you know that already, don't you.

Larger breasts (you already have breasts, you know) are not that big a deal. They just become part of your body. My breasts are not that big. No one questions my gender. I would have to say that the size of my breasts has NOTHING to do with my gender. Would I like larger breasts? Yup. You bet. But that's not transitioning. That's not what being a woman is all about. Not at all. F, you said? F? Are you serious? Maybe it's just the breasts that you want. Even if you DID transition, F would be ridiculous. Really. You would be asking for a breast reduction within a week.

How can you find out the difference? I dunno. But my advice would be for you to seriously explore this issue with your therapist. Is your therapist female? What does SHE say? Do you ask HER?

I think Melody is right. There's a lot of excuses flying around here. JMHO, hon. I may be all wet.

Stephie

[Karen564]

When it comes to working out if we might be transsexual there are no alarms that sound & there are no neon lights that flash
that tell you 'I am a woman'. You realise that you are transsexual when you feel most comfortable & feel the need to express
yourself as a member of the opposite sex to which you were born all the time, then you start to desire having a body to match.
So far you seem to be doing all of that & this post also tells me that you are now obviously desiring to have the body of a female.



It wasn't even remotely like that for me..because I always felt female in my head as a small child...& way before I started raiding my mom's closet or expressing myself ...but I suppose everyone is different..
Of course back then, I sure didn't have a clue or ever hear any terms like transsexual or transgendered or crossdresser in my house or anything like that until a decade later when I turned a teenager..even then though, I still didn't comprehend that I was actually a transsexual or what it really meant..I just thought I had some serious issues not being able to stop crossdressing...little did I know until later that in reality, the only crossdressing I was doing was by pretending & dressing as a male...lol

Sandra, I really don't know what's in your head or what your thinking or what you have always thought growing up....all I know is what I have always known & thought about in my own head about myself..

But sounds like your really struggling with your thoughts & what steps you want to take...which is fine though, because this is certainly nothing to take lightly, it is no doubt a huge step anyone can take in their adult life that can have huge negative consequences or huge rewards, it all depends on if it was the right step to take...so all I can say is, talk it out more with one of your therapist & come up with some sort of plan to figure all this out with more definitive answers so you can move forward in your life one way or the other.....or stay somewhere in between if that's right for you..

[Melody Moore]

It wasn't even remotely like that for me..because I always felt female in my head as a small child
Don't worry Karen, those same thoughts were also in my head, the fact I had the body of a male,
while inside I felt female had me questioning for a long time 'Am I really a boy or am I really a girl?'

My teachers from kindergarten age upwards caused me a lot of confusion for me about my gender identity, but I honestly did
believe they were doing the right thing, so I eventually felt that if I didn't conform their requests then I would be punished for it.

I can see now how I was placed groups of boys for sports or other school activities caused my main problems. I know I wanted
to hang out up in the playground with the girls during lunch breaks & if I could get away with it, I did. But there where times as
I got older that I can remember being told to go down to the oval to play Cricket or Football with the boys. I rarely ever took
part in these sports and just watched most of the time from the sidelines because that is as close as I wanted to be with other
boys as child where we want to hang out with those we best identify with. I felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

All throughout my school years I dressed secretly as a female after being caught and punished for it after my father seen I
had make up on my face. I kept my desire to be a female hidden through fears of reprisal while the dreams always continued.
By the age of 15 I really felt that I should have been a girl and was deeply embarrassed by the fact I had the body of a male
& around that same time I seen the movie about Christine Jorgenson and I seriously considered really wanting a sex change.

A year later I overheard my bosses, a farmer & his son talking about a transsexual they knew & saying some very nasty and
terribly derogatory things about this poor girl. Well, this just blew everything apart in my understanding about my true gender
identity. I became very homophobic & transphobic and become a real asshole & arrogant sort of a person in order to prove to
myself 'I am really a real man'. I started smoking pot and drinking heavily to just be accepted as being 'one of the boys'. I had
already been learning to fight and after I flattened my father one night I turned into something like the same bully & monster
my father was because he was my my only real male role model. I loved nothing better than a good fight. So I went from being
a shy & reserved little girl trapped in a male body to becoming a real 'bitch of a man' and not one to ever be messed around with.

The only thing that kept me out of jail was joining the army to learn some discipline and become a man with honour. But real
honour comes from by being honest & truthful to yourself and this is why I also no longer have any type of shame & guilt about
who I truly am. Out of everything I have faced up to during my life on this planet, accepting my true gender identity was the
hardest and was certainly the most challenging that took every ounce of mental will power to deal with. And if ever any man
puts shit on me for being who I am, then I usually ask them, what is the most bravest thing they've ever done and to think
seriously about it before answering, the response is usually & typically along the same lines 'Nothing like what you have done'.

This is why I have so much respect for those that do accept they are transsexual & have the real courage to be themselves. :hugs:

[Karen564]

Out of everything I have faced up to during my life on this planet, accepting my true gender identity was the
hardest and was certainly the most challenging that took every ounce of mental will power to deal with.

No worries Melody....

I had the same issues in kindergarten & beyond, I didn't want to play or hang around with the boy's, because I never felt I was like them in the slightest....but I did feel right at home with the girls, as if it was the only natural thing to do.......But it was peer pressure from the boy's & the teacher that more or less forced me to stay away from the girls space...but I still didn't want anything to do with the boy's, so I would just go off & do my own thing by myself....some of the girls even wanted me to be with them, but again, I was forbidden to because I was a boy..or so they kept telling me..

I also can relate to what your saying about denying your female side as you grew older, because I had also turned into the most macho male anyone ever saw...lol
Of course it was all a lie, a great performance to fool the world I was a man & because I thought that's what I needed to cure me.....Unfortunately or fortunately (depends how you look at it) nothing worked...I still had my female brain the whole time, except now was encased in a more male body, which made it even worse...It wasn't until later that I realized that I'll never be able to change my brains way of thinking or thoughts...
I had started on the road to transitioning before I told any of my family or friends....but when the day came that I had to start letting my loved ones know what was going on with me was most definitely the hardest & most terrifying thing I've ever had to do in my entire life....only because they had only known me as the grown manly man type so I had to drop every single bit of human pride I had as a male......Now I'm the total opposite & such a Girly girl..lol

But ever since I came out some time ago now, it sure has been great just being the girl I aways was inside & not hiding her anymore....words just cant describe how great I feel deep inside my soul.....and for my daughters & Friends that know my story well, they understand & admire the courage it takes to do this....but as for some other family members & friends, they see it as only a weakness & refuse to learn more about it...but that's their problem & just have to get over themselves..

So anyway, the paths we had taken prior to transition sounds very simular...
:hugs:

[Melody Moore]

I was a male apparently, well so I'm told by many others time & time again!


so I would just go off & do my own thing by myself....some of the girls even wanted me to be with them, but again, I was forbidden to because I was a boy..or so they kept telling me.
This is exactly the reason why I wound up more of a loner with just a few friends and this still continued to happen even well into my adult life but
more so. I have found numerous people that would give me crap because I wanted to hang out with females because this is who I identified with &
could talk to because they seemed to understand me emotionally so much better. But naturally other people never seen it that way because I was
a 'male' apparently or so they kept telling me. The way others would see it was like I was trying to get the female I wanted to associate with into bed.

So it got to a point where I couldn't even be friends with females who I felt the most comfortable being and had the best peer connection with.
Other males never understood me emotionally and I had a couple of relationship breakdowns where I turned to male friends for support and
someone to talk to, but was often told by my mates 'Have a beer mate & forget the bitch'. Getting over a relationship was something that was
always harder for me because of how much I invested emotionally into my relationships and this was something other guys never understood.
I tried to commit suicide once the very next day after I had turned to a male friend the night before and was told to 'have a beer & get over it'.

I couldn't understand why I wasn't like other males where I could disconnect so easily after a relationship broke down. I felt like a total failure
as a man because I couldn't do this like other men could and this pushed me to to the point that I tried very seriously to take my own life. If my
mother didn't happen to drop by the next day and found me, I would not be here to tell you about this today. In the wake of this suicide attempt
I was having some psycho-therapy, and one of the things my pyschologist said that I needed some help with was 'male bonding'. I was like
WTF? And even told my pyschologist 'Other men never understand me on an emotional level, so why in the hell would I want to bond with them?'.

So once again I am being forced to form bonds with the male peer group that I really felt that I had nothing emotionally in common with. Pity that this pyschologist didn't recognise what else might be wrong at this stage of my life & delve in & explore my gender issues, I knew I had serious issues with my gender identity but wasn't going to open up about any of it, if it wasn't brought up and I was given reassurance it was OK to talk about it. So my gender issues stayed buried and I never opened up about any of it until about 23 years later.

Some things happened throughout my life where I was made feel that I couldn't be friends with other females & more often than not it was other
females would want to be friends with me, but someone would get upset & jealous over it by the fact that I was a male apparently, well so Im told.

Some of my mates (male friends) had girlfriends who I often found I I had a much better peer connection with than my mates. But my mates would get jealous & insecure about me because their girlfriend would want to hang out with me, or would be talking about me & telling them what sort of a good friend I was. The males involved here, being the insecure creatures they are, often warned off being friends with their girlfriends by using some sort of threat that involved violence if I tried to continue any sort of a friendship with their partners. I was constantly told that hanging out with your best mate's lady was not the done thing because I was a male apparently, well so I'm told once again!

Often other males would be jealous of the fact that women sometimes naturally gravitate towards me I got into a fight once in a camp ground with two other males who had been drinking because of two beautiful looking Danish girls & my girlfriend at the time all befriended each other. These guys who started the fight with me had the ill-conceived notion that my girlfriend was my sister and that I was trying to hit on the two Danish girls who had become our friends. the fight got very serious and they had me down on the ground kicking the living crap out of me. I was injured very badly but was able to fight my way out of it after I nearly killed one of the guys with a large knife. The whole assault was witnessed by other campers & the two guys who attacked me ended up charged with 'Assault Occasioning Grievous Bodily Harm' and ended up in jail for 3 years. The arsehole I slashed & stabbed nearly died in hospital but I was never charged because I was forced to defend myself in a very vicious assault. But I mention this incident because it was something that made me feel that I just can't be friends with other females because I was a male & was competition to other males apparently.

I have been in bars watching live bands or playing music myself and women have gravitated to me naturally because I never would hit on them, and as a result I got lots of evil stares from other males who felt I was a threat or some type of competition to them. Although I was lucky & never had too many issues because I often knew the management & security who got rid of these types of troublemakers, this has been a problem all of my life in some way or another. Other women are my best friends because this is who I really connect with, but it took me years to finally understand that the reason why women did gravitate towards me. And I believe now that it was a subconscious thing for the other women to be drawn to me because I had the brain & the psychological mind & typical emotions of any other female.

I also had some similar issues after I joined a Pentecostal church years ago. One day I needed to talk to someone for some fellowship so I went to visit the wife of a couple who were some new friends I had made through the church. I seen no harm in my visit to this woman because I knew my intentions were completely innocent & honourable. The next time I went to church I was pulled aside after the meeting by the pastor and warned about visiting the wife of married couple in a church. I was also told that I was not allowed to enter the dwelling of any other female, married, single or otherwise because that situation had the appearance of evil & because I could be committing adultery and if it happened again I would be kicked out of the church. Well they didn't have to threaten me because I quit this church over that stupid rule that applied to me because I was a male apparently, well so I'm told yet again!

It took me years to finally connect all the dots and realise that I had the wrong physiological body for the type of female brain & emotions I have.
To come to the decision to transition was not my first choice my any means, if there was a magic pill they could give me that gave me the same
level of emotions of a male then bring it on! I would have rather tried something like that than to go down the long & painful & difficult road of
transitioning. But I have tried everything possible to convince myself I was a male & to think & to have the emotions of other males. I spend so
much countless time, laying in bed, crying and feeling very depressed not wanting to go out into the world that didn't understand me & who I
really was being trapped in the wrong body. There are not many people who understand this Karen, but I believe that you are one of the few.

All I have ever wanted to for Christmas is to be loved, and respected for who I truly am. I feel now I am starting to get that,
but that was never possible while I had the body of a male because of how so many other people misunderstood & judged me.

Thanks for being there, this was something I needed to also write about & get off my chest. :hugs:

[Karen564]

There are not many people who understand this Karen, but I believe that you are one of the few.

Thanks for being there, this was something I needed to also write about & get off my chest. :hugs:

Any time Melody:hugs:
I'm glad you got it off your chest rather than hold it in, I did the same thing on this site about 2 years ago to get some bottled up emotions about my earlier life off my chest & it helped me...even though not many here could totally comprehend what I wrote in it's entirety.. it just felt good to get it out..

So yes, I do completely understand, because I've had to live through so many similar experiences & emotions prior to transitioning since the age of 4 1/2....
It's been an extremely rough road along the way, but we somehow survived by some miracle & made it...so that's all that matters now & it just keeps getting better & better from here on out..

:hugs: